A/N: Sort of a short chapter, small surprise toward the end. Just a bit of SARYL aftermath and how they're reacting to losing Lotty. Their relationship is basically on the brink and it just started again, but hopefully they can manage to work things out seeing as how their allegiance will need to be strong what with the arrival of new guests. Hope you guys enjoy this hella short, tease of a chaper. XOXO.
"Hershel said she didn't feel much pain after the anesthesia set in half way through the surgery." Daryl said, voice weak and strained. Sara ignored the sound of it, she didn't want him to know that she or anyone else had actually heard him go down to the cellar and scream his brains out. Everyone had heard. "When he was sure she was gone…he…he pricked at her brain with a scalpel."
Sara was facing away from him, sat on the window seat of their bedroom, gazing out at the forest ahead of her, green embers seeming to be the most beautiful things in existence as the morning sun shone over them. She hadn't spoken to anyone since receiving the bad news. Denny had come to see his mother on many occasions during the night and the morning, Daryl's anguished screams seeming to wake the children some time early that morning. Her son had always been there to comfort her through every loss she'd been dealt but this time was different, it left her feeling hollow, it made her lose what hope she clung to. She didn't speak to the boy, only held him in her arms until he fell back asleep.
Daryl had come into the room, surprised to see their son in the bed but he ignored it and started pursuing her with the words he knew she didn't want to hear any more than he wanted to say them. He was sat beside her on the window seat, hopelessly gazing at her almost in the same way as she gazed at the forest, but even he knew the look in her eyes were empty while the look in his own were filled with worry. All he wanted, in that moment, was for her to look at him- for her to look at him and for her eyes to be filled with love. "I lost her too. Ya could 'least look at me."
Sara flinched lightly, feeling all types of discomfort in her own skin. She turned her head, eyes glancing down at what was, other than his words, mostly responsible for her flinching. His hand was touching hers. The brunette looked up at him, dark circles around her eyes due to lack of sleep and consistent crying. He sighed, eyes flooding with relief while he watched her eyes filling with not only life, but tears. Her eyes were alive again, he was thankful he had that power over her; the ability to bring her back when she'd strayed too closely to the edge. "I know you lost her too. She was your best friend." She croaked, voice cracking with heavy emotion.
Daryl opened his mouth to speak, but no sound came, there was nothing. All he wanted to do was comfort her but he didn't know how. How could he possibly know? She could read his expression and she was quick to stop his thoughts, "It's not what you think. I'm not upset because you're hurting over this, I understand perfectly. But it was the fact that we talked before she left and she said you told her about what I said in the nursery….about dealing with babies?" A look of frustration passed onto the redneck's face. How could Sara be obsessing over something at a time like that, he thought. "She told me to make this right…to make it up to you." Daryl could see the hysteria playing out on her face as it started to transform and he was quick to take her in his arms, shushing her as she cried and spoke unintelligible words. "S'alright. Yer alright.", he murmured over and over until she seemed to believe it, calming down a great deal as her body rested against his.
Sara loved Daryl more than anything, that was for certain, but at that moment the only person she wanted was "Charlotte..", she whined the woman's name in anguish as she curled up against her strong yet comforting boyfriend who was sure to be hurting just as much. He'd known Lotty since childhood, granted the woman was her cousin and she'd known her since birth, Sara never understood her cousin's friendship with Daryl Dixon. When Sara thought back hard enough she realized that, in a way, it was Lotty who forced she and the socially problematic man together in the first place.
Lotty would always drop hints about Daryl, but it was pretty much at a time when Sara was too young and dumb to understand the magnetic impulses she felt whenever he was near or the way he watched over her. Then after finding out the pair were having sex, her older cousin appeared to be angry or mistrusting, but it was now that Sara fully understood it to be an act or just her protectiveness over the two of them coming into play. Lotty knew that if things ended on a sour note, she'd be forced to choose between them and that alone would've killed her. "Do you know what she said to me the night after finding out I wasn't pregnant? The night of the fair?", Daryl's interest peaked and he made a humming sound, chest moving outward quickly before dipping back into it's normal rhythm as he breathed and held her close to him, "She told me not to mess this up. She said and I quote, Daryl's not a toy and neither are you, so you'd better figure this thing out. 'Cause that man working the ring toss? He can either be the best thing for ya or the worst. Don't fuck it up, Sars… I didn't listen to her. And it took ten years just to get you back."
He gave a sigh of relief, he was relieved upon receiving the knowledge of what went on in that girly ass brain of hers. He was for certain that he was losing her and he didn't like it. "Wha' else did Lotty say?" She cringed lightly, attempting a quick recovery soon afterward; but she would have to be damn quick to slip anything past Daryl Dixon, "Nothing." She leapt from his arms a little too quickly and used the fact that it wasn't exactly the best time to talk as an excuse, eyes averting to a stirring Denny. "He's fine. Boy could sleep through you screamin' in ecstasy, in a war zone, durin' World War II," the man had a seriousness about him but, Sara wasn't tuned into it as much as she should have been.
"I'm serious.", He urged. Sara folded her arms, head busy with thoughts- and none of them good. "I can't talk anymore, Daryl. I just want to be left alone." Her eyes didn't meet his, no matter how long he stared at her. He stood up, moving over to her slowly, eyes squinted as he looked her over with great scrutiny. "Yer the one who jus' said it took ten years an' now yer just pushin' me away. Wha' sense does it make to have me if yer jus' gonna be with me durin' the good times an' then stay the fuck 'way from me durin' the bad? I know I ain't got the best track record when it comes to stickin' around for ya, but thas' when I thought it was for yer own good. I'm here now, an' even back then, I was always there when ya needed an' wanted. Hell, even when you didn't want me."
Daryl didn't yell it, but Sara could tell he wanted to. If it had not been for Denny, he probably would have. She knew he was right, he was right about everything. He had always been there; When her dad was out of town, playing games, and she was lonely or sad; When her mother left; When she'd get into fights; When she dumped Roy; When Louis dumped her; When she thought she was pregnant; When she dumped Chris; And even though he wasn't invited and she was sure no one else noticed him but her, he was even at her wedding when she'd decided to take Chris' sorry ass back. Daryl was in every major moment in her life, he was there, in some way or another when she thought back.
"Why were you at Stephanie Banks' party that night?", She blurted. His face wore a more confusing look than the usual. "What? Are ya seriously goin' back to somethin' tha' happened more than ten years ago, s'pecting me to remember." She gave the straightest expression she could manage. She knew Daryl was bullshitting, she knew for a fact he remembered Stephanie Banks' party because that was the night they celebrated she and Louis being together officially by jumping off the town bridge in nothing but their underwear. Lotty was there, it was actually her whole idea. She gave an entirely new meaning to the phrase 'If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you do it too', hell, she was probably the reason parents started saying it. "Don't play stupid. That day, you told Lotty, Lindy, and I that you couldn't go because Lydia's dad had you working late at the garage. You also said, you 'didn't want to hang out with a bunch of townee idiots anyhow'. Your words, not mine. But then, that night... there you were."
Daryl eyed her. It wasn't unknown to most people back then that Daryl wondered just how in the fuck Sara remembered all the little shit, but nearly choked to death on panic attacks when she was having a hard time remembering the bigger moments in life. Or maybe she just remembered everything revolving around the budding relationship and bond that she'd held with him. "Word got 'round fast in our town. Louis was plannin' to violate you an' I intended to stop him 'cause half the towns population, the men, knew just how much of a creep Louis was an' I ain't see nobody else tryin' to save your ass." Sara scowled lightly, only at the fact that even then, Daryl thought he owned her. Even if he kind of did, didn't mean he could go around acting all willy nilly with the power he held over her. Especially not back then, when everyone was questioning their friendship.
"What stopped you?", She managed. "Lotty. Stopped me soon as she saw me pullin' up to the place like a bat outta hell. Told me tha' I just needed to let it happen, that it was part of you fallin' in love with me. You needed to be with absolute dicks until you was ready emotionally...an' stuff. At first, I acted like I didn't know wha' the fuck she was talkin' 'bout. But she an' I both knew that after wha' happened with Roy, I didn't want you to be hurt again." Sara remembered just what he was referring to, in that moment. It wasn't the break-up in general that had got to her, and Daryl was the only one who knew that.
"Are ya alrigh'?", He asked as he swaggered up to the porch, blue eyes looking as if he had intent to kill, but she knew his inner anger- the anger he fought so hard to keep under wraps- was far from aimed at her. She simply nodded in response to his words and he immediately decided to call her on her bullshit. "No, none of that tonight. Tell me wha' happened or i'll go beat the crap out of Bishop until he cracks."
Sara gave a sigh of defeat, gesturing for Daryl to come take a seat beside her on the porch swing. Daryl raised an eyebrow at her, hesitant to make any sudden movements as his feet remained planted on the first step. "My dad is out of town.", She said, rolling her eyes slightly as she reassured him. Daryl plomped up the stairs after shrugging, finding it sad that the man of the house, Mr. Greene, distrusted his prescence so much that he initiated a 'that boy ain't allowed past the second step' rule. Daryl chuckled inside at the older man's paranoia before sitting down next to Sara, the swing jerking away from it's current motion as he did. She looked over at him, a certain sadness in her eyes that set him on edge. If she was upset, he was upset. That was how it had always been for him.
"He said that I'm too close to you. Said that we're probably fucking behind his back because I wouldn't have sex with him. I'm just not ready for...that... yet.", She stumbled toward the end of her words, a wave of self-consciousness crashing over her. She and Daryl had never discussed anything like this. They clearly weren't as close as everyone thought, she blushed just talking about sex around him. Daryl scoffed lightly. "He's a dick with a tiny prick in his pants, ya don't need him. Or any guy who tries to force somethin' you ain't ready for." Sara smiled faintly at his efforts to cheer her up and it was obvious he cared, he was livid. "I'm serious, Sara. Plus, the bastard couldn't even trust ya, thas' a sure sign tha' he was probly cheatin' on ya." His words didn't make her feel that much better, she'd rather think he was just self-concious than think he was cheating on her.
"Daryl.. that's not helping," She groaned lightly. " I would just rather feel like men are incapable of loving me. Like something's wrong with me..." Daryl interrupted her, taking her hand in his and holding it tightly, eyes damn near piercing a hole through that thick skull of hers. "There ain't nothin' wrong with ya. Yer perfect." Even if Sara believed him, she couldn't seem to shake all the evidence from her mind.
"Then why does everyone leave me? Is it because i'm just too damn perfect and they feel like they can't live up to my expectations or something? That sure as hell can't be the reason." Sara was on the verge of crying and Daryl moved in to cup her face. "Hey. Shh. People leave ya because they're idiots." She shook her head, disagreeing with him until he forced her head still. "Look at me. There is a guy out there who will be just wha' you need, you'll find him. But he sure as hell ain't gonna be nothin' like Roy Bishop."
She leaned in close to him tears falling down her face and he caught them with his thumbs. She believed him, more than anything she did. Daryl might not have seemed like much to the people in town, but he was smarter than most. She moved in swiftly, placing a chaste kiss onto his slightly chapped lips. She hung there for a moment, tangling her lips with his and he had actually let her.
She breathed him in. He smelled of motor oil and mint, and his mouth worked magic. She groaned, arms moving around his body as they both moved in close. As her tongue moved into his mouth, she could feel she'd crossed the line and Daryl was just then realizing it as his body stiffened and he started to pull away from her.
"What the hell, Sara?" He exclaimed at her, eyes widening with knowing of what could have happened if he didn't snap out of it. Her father was out of town, her sister was at Lotty's, they could have easily made their way inside and in the shape she was in, that was the last thing she needed. That was their first kiss and Daryl hated the fact that it probably meant absolutely nothing to her compared to what it meant for him. "I'm sorry.." She said simply before standing up and going inside the house in a rush. He didn't follow her, he just went home.
A few weeks later, she was dating Louis, and they seemed pretty serious. Two months later, she lost her virginity to him. Daryl didn't regret pushing her away, not in the least. Way he saw it was, he wasn't made for taking anyone's virginity, felt like women would get attached. But then on the other side of things, he wouldn't have minded taking her virginity, cause he could use some of that clingyness right now to save their relationship that had only just started but seemed to be hanging in the balance.
"I didn't sleep with him really, you know? Louis." Daryl seemed confused at hearing her words but he didn't interrupt where this was going, he let her continue. "I just let him finger me... a lot. Gave him a blowjob, he ate me out. End of discussion. I let him tell everyone we had sex because we basically did... I just...I couldn't let him do it to me. Not when I wanted you to be the first. And I've felt so bad for so many years because you didn't know. No one knew, not even Lotty. And she knows everything...or, at least, she knew. "
Daryl froze for a moment, going over it all in his head, it actually made a lot of sense now. He wasn't mad at her for keeping it from her, it wouldn't have made a difference if he knew or not. Hell she did him a favor, helping him look past the whole virgin thing. He himself knew that he probably wouldn't have slept with her if he knew.
He moved towards her, upset about how sad she looked, how drained from the past weeks events and as soon as he was close enough, he embraced her tightly. "I ain't mad. I just need ya to talk to me. Ya know me, same old Dixon, I ain't goin' nowhere. Ya have to let me in so I don't feel like i'm losin' ya. I've been there for you yer whole life, even when you couldn't see me, I was there. I need ya to trust me."
She nodded at his words, knowing they held truth. "I'm sorry, I'm just so unhinged and I feel like I'm falling. The thing is, whenever I would fall, Lotty was always there to talk to me when I wasn't sure I could always depend on you, and even when I knew I could. I need her. I've never completely controlled any major aspects of my life, she's always had input. That's just how Lotty was." Daryl held her tighter as she began to shake, her words coming out in harsh whispers. "I love you, okay. I ain't goin' anywhere."
"You can't promise me that", She lashed at him, hands moving to push him away from her. And there it was, the reason behind all the mistrust. She felt like she couldn't get too close. This wasn't an apocalyse problem, this was just a Sarafina Greene problem. Before the end of the world, she'd always been afraid of getting too close, afraid that people would leave her. And Daryl wasn't exactly sure if he'd made that fear worse or if he'd made it better. He left her for her own good, but that made him just as bad as all the others who'd ever abandoned her because, of course, they thought they were leaving her for her own good too.
They all were idiots- they failed to realize that all she needed was them, what was best for her was for them to stay with her and let her make her own decisions about her own life. If anything, the end of the world was no help to this abandonment complex she'd managed to develop.
He yanked her back to him, eyes hard as they were now far enough apart to look at eachother, "I can't, no. But I will never willin'ly leave ya. Ever. I got off huntin' duty just so I wouldn't have to leave you an' Denny alone for fear I would never come back when Rupert damn near takes billions on billions of risks an' has a wife an' kid just as I got you an' Denny. He's yer brother-in-law, for fuck sake." Sara shook even harder as Daryl raised his voice half an octave.
He saw her reaction of fear and sighed, instantly recovering from the rise of emotion. "I can't lose you." She said it so quietly, he barely noticed. He pulled her in close and they stood like that for a while before they heard a lot of racket coming from downstairs and the front yard. They jerked away from eachother all too quickly, knowing that no one else should have been up this early, the ceremony for Lotty's burial wasn't until later that day. The only people who should have been awake were Hershel and Sebastian, who were both bitter as ever at the loss of their fallen family member. Sara was pretty sure she'd heard a lot of her housemates downstairs, shouting and panicking.
Daryl ran ahead of her, and instructed her to stay with Denny. Sara did as she was told reluctantly, and when Daryl yanked open their bedroom door, he nearly ran smack into Lori who's face was damp with early morning sweat.
"Wha' the hell is goin' on woman?" He practically shouted. Denny stirred and sat up in bed, a combination of Daryl's uncontained shouting and the racket from the first floor having woke him. "Some woman found Carlos and brought him back, causing all kinds of noise. She called Rupert from Carlos' Verizon and we let her in before any walkers could be attracted, but everyone's going insane. Especially that crazy woman. Rick's got things simmered and under control, though."
Daryl raised an eyebrow at the skinny brunette, "You call that simmered? Yer crazy as fuck, woman." Sara ushered Denny over to the door where Daryl stood planted firmly in the doorway and they watched while Lori rushed past them up and down the hall collecting items for a good seven minutes. When she'd disappeared, the noise of bickering quieted down and Sara thought it would be safe for them to go down and get a look. Daryl was still dead-set against either of them being in distance of Carlos, or a crazy woman but he obliged. "Stay behind me."
They all made their way down the grand stair case and when they finally made it to the bottom, they caught glimpse of everything. Carlos laid unconscious on the floor as Rick and Rupert watched Hershel tending to his minor scrapes and cuts, everyone else huddled around either handing Hershel supplies, or doing nothing in particular.
They could hear the voice of a woman, but she wasn't in sight yet. The bottom step creaked beneath Sara's foot, Daryl had known better to skip it, and everyone looked to them. Daryl was first to see her as a tiny path cleared to reveal her, a bit of shock on his face. Sara looked up slowly, still having not recovered from drawing attention to the three of them. Denny lunged from the stairs and past his parents like a rocket and it was the same moment that his words reached her ears that she nearly fainted at the sight her eyes took in.
"Grams!" Denny cried out, crossing the foyer and reaching the living room to jump into her open arms. The woman sobbed at the contact, eyes never leaving her daughter over her grandson's tiny shoulder. Everyone else looked faintly shocked and slack-jawwed.
Of course Hershel wouldn't have recognized the woman, having disowned his younger brother, Sara's father. And she left well before Sebastian had ever started coming over to their home. Daryl, aside from Denny, was the only one there who could identify her, and boy was she happy to see the two of them standing at the bottom of the staircase together, hand in hand
"Mom?" Sara said faintly, but loud enough for everyone to hear, her body going completely numb.