Rory was shaky, at best. Her relationship with Jess seemed so much better now on the surface, but deep down she was wondering how much truth was held in the changes. She wanted to believe that he loved her, she wanted to believe that more than anything. But it was so hard to trust what he told her when he was calling her so often just to 'check up'. Like she didn't know what was actually going on. Like she was stupid. She was going to Chilton afterall, she wasn't stupid.
It was nice to be loved though, or at least think she was loved. Everytime he said it she would forget all of her doubts and just let herself melt into the words for a few seconds. But then she would go to school, see her friends, and remember just how much of her life he rejected. Or he'd call and and ask when she was coming home, or say that he missed her and wanted to see her. And she'd wonder if he was just being sweet, or if the jealously was just creeping back in again.
But then again, there were times like these. She glanced up at his profile as they walked down the Stars Hollow sidewalk, and smiled. Really smiled. It was the day after Finn's party, and questioning from her boyfriend and been quick and not detailed. Now she was walking down the street, her fingers laced with his, just enjoying his company.
She knew her friends were worried, and she hated worrying them, but she couldn't help but be distracted. She was confused, caught between believing and doubting, and wanting more than anything for it to be true and she didn't know where to turn. Could they understand? How could they possibly understand? They told all those girls that they loved them. How many of those girls had been as confused as she was right now? How many of those girls had just wanted to be loved?
And it was hard for her to want love this bad, to want to be needed this bad. Everything her mother had brought her up to be turned her against being this dependent on a boyfriend. And yet, after Dean, it was what she wanted more than anything. There was no doubt in her mind that she had some of the best friends in the world, but sometimes she just needed to be loved.
"What are you thinking about?" Jess's voice asked, breaking through her thoughts.
"Nothing in particular," she lied.
"What are you doing tomorrow?"
She paused, "I have a newspaper meeting, as usual."
"I know that," he smiled slightly, "What about after?"
"I promised I'd have an early dinner with my friends."
"Can you cancel?"
She sighed, "Why?"
"Because I'd really like to see you tomorrow."
He flashed her a half smile, and she sent him one in return, "I can't cancel."
"You just saw them on Saturday."
"And I'm seeing you now," she teased, but deep down she was serious.
"What about after?"
"Depends on how much studying I have."
"Okay," he shifted his gaze away from her, "I have to get to work."
He turned his eyes back and planted a soft kiss on her lips. The feeling lingered as he turned towards Luke's.
"If you change your mind, let me know," he offered, "I love you."
She paused, then smiled, "Me too."
He seemed to want to be with her constantly now. He'd wanted her to skip Finn's party because he just had to see her, and then he wanted her to leave early because he missed her. And now he wanted her to cancel dinner because he'd 'really like to see her tomorrow'. He wold ask her to just come sit in the diner and wait until he got off. She had better things to do with her time than that, and sometimes he made it seem like a criminal offense. And he said it was because he loved her, and she guessed that was supposed to make it all okay. But it was a lot to ask. And it seemed almost like the same things as before, only this time he had three nice words to say afterwards.
With a sigh, she turned back towards her house, looking forward to good book and a rather large cup of coffee. She didn't want to think beyond that. She was tired of thinking, as far as she was concerned, it was starting to become completely overrated.
- - - - - - - -
"Rory, thank God," Stephanie greeted her the next morning, "Please tell Finn there were no red heads at his party."
Rory rolled her eyes playfully, "Sorry, Finn. I'm afraid it was all a drunken hallucination."
"Damn you all," he spat, "I could've gone the rest of my life believing they actually existed."
"Sorry to ruin your dreams," Logan said with a grin, placing a hand on his friend's shoulder, "But if you kept telling that story, you were only going to embarrass yourself."
"At least make your dreams a little more believable," Colin added.
"It was completely believable!" Finn protested.
"There was whipped cream involved, Finn," Stephanie reminded him, "And ponies."
"Ponies?" Rory asked, "I haven't had enough coffee for this."
"There isn't enough coffee in the world for this, Ace."
Rory laughed as Logan sent a smirk in her direction. If there was one thing that never failed to put a smile on her face, it was her friends. And even though she'd been keeping them at a distance lately, she still loved them dearly. But a part of her was feeling guilty about them now, and she hated that Jess could make her feel that way. These were her friends. Nothing about them was supposed to change: not for a boyfriend, not for anyone.
"You've got to stop zoning out on us, Ror," Colin said, placing a hand on her shoulder, "We're starting to think you're daydreaming like Finn."
"I do not daydream about hot red heads!" Rory objected.
"Hey," Logan raised his eyebrows, a glint in his eye, "You never know."
"Shut up, Huntzberger."
"There's the Rory we know and love," Stephanie chirped.
Rory was about to open her mouth, when she felt her cellphone vibrate in her bookbag. Who was calling her this early in the morning? On a school day? Checking the clock on the wall, she decided to answer it quickly before the bell rang.
"Hello?"
"Just checking to see if you changed your mind about later," Jess's voice said through the phone.
"What?"
"About hanging out with me after school."
"I already told you, I have plans. Shouldn't you be in school?"
"Stepping in the door as we speak. Bye Rory."
"Bye."
She closed her phone, a wave of confusion washing over her. It was quickly followed by anger. Where did he get off? And why did he keep asking her to drop plans like it was the easiest thing in the world? Sure, she wanted to spend time with him, but she wanted to be with her friends, too. She couldn't be with her boyfriend seven days a week.
The abrupt ending had left her kind of shaken. There had been no I love you at the end of that conversation, there hadn't even been so much as a nice goodbye. How could he be mad about something so trivial? It was just an after school dinner with her friends.
"Everything okay?" Stephanie asked, breaking into her thoughts.
"Yeah, everything's fine."
"You sure?"
Rory turned towards Logan, "I'm sure."
Rory paused briefly, before opening her mouth again, "Wait -- ponies?"
- - - - - - - -
The day crawled by for Rory, and she had too much on her mind to actually concentrate on anything. The conversation with Jess wouldn't stop replaying herself in her mind, along with all the other ones they'd had over the past few days. He could be so sweet, and then he could be so suddenly hurtful. Maybe nothing had changed. Maybe it was all the same. He was the same old Jess who just wanted her all to himself. And maybe he was just as jealous, and maybe he still didn't trust her. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
But then why did he say he loved her? Why would he say that if he didn't mean it? But if Colin, Finn, and Logan were any reference, guys said that all the time. Hell, Finn didn't even remember if he'd ever said it or not. So, maybe it wasn't as big of a deal as she was making it out to be. But then why did she want so badly for his words to be true? Why did it mean so much that he really loved her?
She collapsed into her chair in the newspaper room, noting that once again she was the first one there. She didn't even bother to go see her friends in the hallway after school, she wasn't in the mood, and she didn't feel like answering questions. And even if she did, there was no way to describe what was going on in her head.
"Working hard or hardly working?" Logan's voice greeted as she watched him slide into the chair beside her.
"Probably hardly working."
"Where'd you disappear to?"
"Here."
"But why?"
She shrugged, "Just in a newspaperery mood, I guess."
"A newspaperery mood?" He stared at her, obviously amused, "Ace, what exactly is a newspaperery mood?"
"If you've never experienced it, I can hardly describe it."
"Fair enough."
She smiled, happy that the air was clear between them. She hated herself for snapping at him last week. He didn't deserve that, none of her friends did. He knew that they were all only concerned about her, and she also knew that Logan felt the connection with her that she felt with him. He only wanted her to be okay. But she didn't know what she needed right now, she didn't know how to talk about it, and so she just pushed everyone away. It was easier that way.
"Okay!" Paris's voice boomed, "The last issue was horrible. Sorry people, but it was. Actually, you know what? I'm not sorry. It sucked and your fault it sucked. You should be the sorry ones."
"I am so glad these meetings aren't in the morning," Logan muttered, dropping his head into his hands.
"Amen," Rory whispered back.
The meeting basically consisted of Paris telling them all how horrible they were and Logan dropping a comment in every now and then to break the tension, nothing out of the ordinary. When it came to a close, Rory quickly tucked her things away in her bag and headed towards the door, Logan on her heals.
"I feel like I need a therapist or something. Paris is doing some heavy duty damage to young psyches here," he cracked.
"Paris is heavy duty damage to young psyches."
"I wonder if we could sue for damages to mental health."
Rory shrugged, "Paris would counter sue on the fact that you're so stupid you made her do it."
"I don't think that's legal," he said with a grin.
"Obviously you don't know Paris very well."
"And I don't plan to," he finished, "Are we meeting everyone at the diner?"
"That's what I hear."
Logan stopped infront of his locker and waved her on, "I'll meet you at your's in a minute."
She nodded, thankful that she would have a few minutes alone to maybe put in a a call to Jess. Once she reached her locker, she tossed a few things inside and then pulled out her cellphone to dial her boyfriend's number.
"Hey."
"Hey yourself," Rory greeted.
"What are you doing?"
He sounded cheerful enough.
"Grabbing my things and then going to eat."
"Oh," his voice dropped, "I thought maybe you changed your mind."
"We went through this already."
"I know."
"I just wanted to call to make sure everything was okay. You ended the conversation kind of fast this morning."
"I had to get to school."
"Oh, yeah."
"Yes, everything's okay," he assured her, "How much homework do you have?"
"Enough to keep me busy."
"I guess that means I'm not seeing you tonight."
"Maybe at Luke's later," she offered.
"Alright. Bye, Rory."
She sighed, "Bye."
She closed her phone and stuffed it in her bag, trying to ignore the nagging feelings of annoyance and sadness that were pulling at her. She felt like a yo-yo or something, and Jess was the one controlling all her emotions. What did he want from her?
"Ready, Ace?" Logan asked, walking up behind her.
She turned and offered him a fake smile, determined not to make her friends worry about her today, "Ready."
They were walking out the doors of Chilton when Rory's cellphone rang again. With a groan, she dug it out of her bookbag and answered it quickly without checking the id.
"Hello?"
"Do you remember that restaurant we went to like a month ago?"
"Hi mom."
"Do you?"
Rory rolled her eyes, "The fancy one or the one with the buffalo by the table?"
"Fancy."
"Yes, I do. Why?"
"Because your father is taking me there tonight and I need to know if the blue dress is too slutty."
"You have like five thousand blue dresses. Which one needs it's slut factor rated?"
Logan sent her a sideways glance, and smirked.
"The one with the tie thingy in the middle and the sparkly stuff on top."
"Oh, well, with descriptions like that you could own a fashion magazine," Rory teased.
"Just answer the question!"
"Just slutty enough," Rory decided, "When will you be back?"
"Late."
"Again with the descriptions. Why don't you just write a book?"
"Eleven-ish," Lorelai relented, "But don't hold me to that."
"Wouldn't dream of it. Have fun. Don't do anything I wouldn't do."
"Ew. Dirty."
"Mom!" Rory whined, "I said don't do anything I wouldn't do. And thanks for the bad mental image, by the way."
"You're welcome. Bye, sweets."
"Bye."
As soon as she snapped her phone shut, she turned to face Logan, who was still smirking and attempting to hold back a laugh.
"The fact that that was your mother terrifies me," he informed her, pulling to a halt infront of his car.
"She's one of a kind," Rory agreed.
"That makes two of you."
Rory stared at him for a second, before laughing shaking her head slightly, forcing herself to look away from his sparkling brown eyes. There had been few times in the past days when she'd laughed or smiled, and really meant it. And she wondered briefly if it was a coincidence that Logan was involved almost every time.
- - - - - - - -
"No, no, no, no, no," Rory groaned, tempted to start banging her head off the steering wheel, "I hate this car!"
It had taken her two tries to get it start in the Chilton parking lot, and now it seemed to be intent on leaving her stranded in the parking lot of the diner. She took the key out of the ignition and then rammed it in again, hoping that maybe the fifth time would be the charm. No such luck. A tapping on the window stopped her from launching into a second rampage, and she turned to see Logan smiling at her through the class. What was he still doing here? With a sigh, she pushed the door open and stepped out.
"If it was possible to kill a car, I would do just that at this very instant," she complained.
"Well, if I was a car and you talked about me like that I wouldn't start either."
"Funny. Ha Ha," Rory deadpanned, "I need to call a tow truck."
"Taken care of. It should be here in a few minutes."
As if on cue, the truck pulled into the parking lot and the worker began hooking up Rory's car.
"Come on. I'll take you home and you can pick it up in the morning," Logan offered.
"I can just ride back with him and--crap."
"What?"
"My parents are out."
Logan nodded, "Exactly, so just let me drive you back."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive, Ace. It's not that big of a deal."
She quickly gathered some information from the driver, before walking back over and sliding into Logan's car.
"My car is mean," Rory complained.
Logan only smiled and pulled out onto the road.
Rory leaned back against the leather seat, enjoying the relaxing ride and the gentle hum of the car as it rolled along the highway. And for just a moment, she let herself forget: forget about love, and the way Jess was acting, and what was real and what wasn't. For the first time in what felt like a long time, she just put her brain to rest.
It seemed like only a few minutes before Logan turned onto the Stars Hollow exit. They hadn't spoken the whole way home, and Rory didn't mind at all. The silence had been pleasurable, comforting.
"Thank you so much for the ride," Rory said as the car halted in her driveway.
"Not a problem."
Rory smiled and opened the car door, but when she glanced towards her porch, her heart plummeted the whole way down to her feet. Jess was sitting on the steps leading up to her door, and when she made eye contact with him, he slowly stood up. She heard Logan's car pull away, but it sounded like it was miles in the distance as she walked onto the porch to meet Jess, his stare nothing but ice.
"Where's your car?" he demanded.
"It wouldn't start," she explained, "Logan drove me home."
"Why?"
"Because my car wouldn't start," she repeated.
"I could've come to get you."
"Logan was there. It was just easier this way."
He rolled his eyes slightly, "I see. Why him?"
"Because he was the only one left."
"Sure," Jess muttered sarcastically.
"Why would I lie to you?"
"I don't know, Rory," he exploded, "Why were you in a car with him when I could've come and got you? Why do you always seem like you'd rather be with your friends than me? Why can't you ever, ever cancel plans with them? Huh?"
"I wouldn't rather be with them than you, but they're my friends, Jess. I need to spend time with them!"
"You could at least try to make it even. Like that guy's party, you could've left a little earlier."
Rory was fuming, "He's my best friend and it was his birthday. And, if I remember correctly, I invited you to come."
"Oh yeah, and I would've fit in so well."
Rory crossed her arms over her chest and stared at him, her mouth hanging open slightly, as he continued yelling at her.
"You know what, Rory? I just realized something. This isn't going to work. It's never going to work. You know why? Because they are always going to mean more to you. No matter what, no matter who your boyfriend is, they will mean more. They're more important."
"Jess, that's not true--"
"Yes, it is," he interrupted, "It's very true. I thought if I told you I loved you things would change, but I was wrong. I can't do this anymore."
She felt like she'd just been punched in the stomach, and even as she tried to draw in a breath, it seemed like no air was reaching her body. All her doubts were right, everything she had been worried about was correct. He didn't love her. He just used the words to try and get what he wanted. And when it didn't work, when she didn't give up everything for him, he left. The words echoed in her head: I thought if I told you I loved you things would change.
"So, that's the only reason you told me you loved me? To get what you wanted?"
"Does it matter?"
"Yes, Jess. It does!" she argued, tears pouring down her cheeks.
"No, it doesn't," he replied cooly, "Not anymore. Have fun with them."
He stepped past her and stalked off down her driveway. She stared after him until he completely disappeared, sobs racking her body.
She felt like she was watching herself, just one boyfriend before, go through the same pain all over again. And yet this time, it was magnified. Love. He said he loved her. That was something she took seriously. All she wanted was to believe him, for it to be true. She said it back! Maybe she meant it. Did she? Did it matter anymore?
The tears were streaming down her face, although she was barely registering that they were there. Her legs felt weak, and she suddenly found herself sliding down to the porch steps. And then the sobbing came. As much as she wanted to stop, she couldn't. She wanted to be angry: angry at him for breaking up with her like that, for saying her loved her when he didn't mean it, for making her out to be the bad guy. But the only thing she could feel was devastation.
And loneliness. She felt so...alone. Her mother was gone, her friends were miles away. There was nobody there. Nobody. She tucked her knees up to her chest and continued to sob. Why did she ever believe a word he said? Why?
Suddenly, she heard somebody come up and sit down beside her. She lifted her head slowly.
"Mom?" she whispered hopefully.
But when she glanced up, she only saw the concerned, chocolate brown eyes of Logan Huntzberger. Gently, he reached out and wrapped his arms tightly around her shaking form, drawing her into his chest.
"Sorry, Ace. I'm not as pretty but I'll have to do," he murmured, his hand stroking her hair, "What happened?"