Perched over his partner, Yama looked down at the face he could sketch in his sleep. He knew every little detail of Harlock's features, from the large scar across is his face, to the ruined eye, to the warmth in the good eye when they were just amongst themselves, or the cold distance when the other pilot was trying to keep the world away.
That happened far too often for his liking, but it was the man who Harlock had become after the Anteverse mission. It was a man driven by demons he barely understood himself, the shapeless nightmare of that mission hovering over him; without any resolution in sight.
His thumb traced over the prominent scar almost bisecting the narrow face, smiling softly as Harlock let him just explore.
In the beginning it had been close to painful to have the other man flinch at the slightest of caresses, have him turn away, refuse to let Yama see the damage. He had lived with it, the outward sign of a failed mission, and he had suffered the pitying looks or the curious stares.
Yama had been curious, sure.
He had never pitied him, though.
Harlock wasn't self-conscious. He was anything but that. He openly showed his battle injuries and he dared people to remark on them in any way with a harsh look or cold indifference painted on his features. Yama knew that he had been offered corrective and cosmetic surgery for the scar, to reconstruct the eye and maybe get a prosthetic for it. Medical science had come far and there were perfectly good replacements available to hide the fact that the man was blind in one eye.
He had turned down every offer.
This was his reminder.
This was what he had become and showed openly.
So he had the scar, the eyepatch, and he looked like a pirate.
Yama had teased him over that relentlessly, getting a smile after a while, maybe even a little joke.
Yama Logan knew how to get into those small cracks in Harlock's seemingly impenetrable armor and have the man become human around him. Lately he had also managed to have him act human around anyone but the crew, too.
Small victories.
He took them.
In the beginning it had taken quite some time for Harlock to undo the eyepatch when they were in private and let Yama see what was left of the right eye. Milky white, completely blind, the scar running over his left face ending where the right eye was.
It wasn't a hideous crate, nor was it torn and held together by shoddy, crude work from a doctor.
But it was a scar.
The first time they had Drifted, Harlock had thrown the whole experience at him, trying to drive Yama away. For days after the younger pilot had felt the searing pain, had thought he was blind in one eye, had a healing wound in his face that would scar and disfigure him.
Leaning down, kissing the scar, the lips, trailing the kiss over the blind eye, Yama felt another shiver.
"Wasn't so bad," he murmured into the messy brown hair.
Harlock's arms curled around his waist and hips, pulling him in closer. They were both fully clothed, wearing sweats and t-shirts. Neither felt the need to take this any further. It was simply the desire for physical closeness.
"He is relentless," Harlock murmured, long fingers tracing along Yama's sides and back. "No people skills. Nosey."
"He's a scientist." Yama grinned as he traced a sharp cheekbone, drawing a smile from the other. "He wants to know. And in a way, so do you." He tilted his head. "Don't deny it, Harlock. I've been in that skull of yours too many times."
He couldn't deny it. He did want to know, but there was also the fear of finding answers to the decade old questions.
"You might want to talk to Becket. I mean, he's been there rather recently."
Harlock didn't answer, the good eye boring into Yama. Yeah, he didn't like that. Talking meant opening himself up; not something Captain Harlock was prone to do.
"Think about it," Yama told him, smiling down at the severe expression, the scowl on the otherwise handsome features.
He mapped the forehead, smoothing out that scowl that put more years on Harlock than it ought to, tracing along the hairline.
"Might do all of us some good. You never know…"
"I don't want to know," Harlock said, voice whisper-soft.
Yama leaned closer, capturing the eye, holding the stubborn gaze. "You do," he replied, just as softly. "I do. This isn't just about you, Harlock. It's about both of us. I'm involved. Rather invested, too. No one ever tried to get to the bottom of what happened to you over there, what it did to you."
Harlock's eye closed and he tensed almost imperceptibly. Yama ran a feather-light caress over the right side of his co-pilot's face.
"We can see what it did here," he murmured. "I can see what it did. But there is more. When the drive powers up, you can feel it. I can feel it through you. It thrums through your bones, it goes to your very core, makes itself part of you, Harlock. You are Arcadia in that moment. You're both alive and ready."
Harlock caught Yama's hand and stopped the explorative caresses. They looked at each other for a moment, then Yama leaned down and kissed him. What he felt for Harlock was overwhelming sometimes, was something he couldn't explain and that wasn't connected to the Drifts. He loved this man.
"Think about it," he murmured against the warm lips.
He got no reply.
He didn't need one.
As he curled around his partner, Yama was sure that Harlock would agree to digging for some answers. He had been pushing this away for ten years.
Maybe now was the time.
YHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYH
Harlock hadn't planned on talking to Raleigh Becket, but here he was, sitting next to Arcadia, her massive foot bigger than he was tall, sharing a rather good beer. It was the middle of the night and there was hardly anyone there but them.
It had surprised him to find another night owl, but then again, maybe he shouldn't have been surprised. Becket had seen more than anyone should have, had suffered the conscious loss of his co-pilot and brother, and if the rumors were true, he had at least a small fragment of Yancy Becket in his head.
Brain damage.
He had driven a Jaeger on his own, had walked her back to shore and then collapsed.
He had gone back into that Jaeger after a five year absence and he had dropped into the Breach, blowing up the Anteverse. Or at least a part of it.
Harlock had often wondered if he had been left with brain damage, too. He had lost Toshiro while they were inside the Pons, but he couldn't remember. He hadn't felt his co-pilot getting torn out of the connection, half of him suddenly dying and leaving a searing pain scittering across his mind plane.
"Better not to," Raleigh remarked when Harlock mentioned it, thumb playing over the condensation of his bottle. "Believe me."
Harlock's good eye rested on the black, scuffed armor of Arcadia's foot. "Something happened on the other side. I lost Toshiro, but I have no idea how. I was there longer than anyone thinks. I came back half dead, suffering from feedback of the Drivesuit, bleeding and burned in places where the overload went from the suit into the skin, but I have no idea how I did it and what I saw."
"Well, I came back and what I saw… it was nothing like anything I've ever seen before." Raleigh took a deep swallow. "Gave me nightmares for months."
Harlock was silent.
"Sometimes the dreams were extremely vivid," Becket continued. "They came out of nowhere. I was back there. Losing Yancy, then dropping into the Breach, then nearly losing Chuck. It all mixes together. Not remembering that would be a blessing. You might have a hole in your head, too, but at least it doesn't push memories at you."
Harlock grunted softly and opened another beer. "Describe it," he then requested.
Raleigh exhaled sharply. For a moment it looked like he wouldn't, but then he started to talk. Slowly, haltingly, he painted a picture of a place where Harlock had been, that he should remember himself, but even the detailed rendering of this Anteverse sparked… nothing. Not a single blip. Not even an emotion.
In comparison, the radiation of the Breach had triggered more than Raleigh's words. Sure, there was no memory and he had no idea what he had seen, but there was this shapeless thing, an emotion that was fear and horror, and still it wasn't..
Harlock silently contemplated his own damaged brain, his damaged soul, and he wondered who was better off. Raleigh could mourn a loss he had felt. He could feel fear of the unknown, of a dimension he had seen and a world he had either destroyed or seriously damaged.
Harlock had gone into the Breach with a man he had felt as close to as a brother, and when he had woken again, he had been alone and his memories void.
He had lost people before Toshiro. IN this long war, almost everyone had suffered the loss of friends, family and relatives. Civilians or military, it didn't matter. In the beginning it had been the Kaijus. Then the nuclear bombs had wiped out whole cities, just to kill the attackers. And later, even a Jaeger had been the reason for casualities.
Harlock had seen good friends and fellow pilots die. He had known the Nibelung teams and they had been a tight-knit group.
The silence stayed, but it wasn't uncomfortable.
"Thank you," Harlock finally said, voice low. "For telling me."
"Even if it didn't help?" Raleigh added, a lighter note to the question than Harlock would have suspected. Then again, he had had a lot of time to deal with it all.
"Even if."
"I'm no doctor or psychologist and I think you saw your share of them…"
Harlock nodded.
"But," Raleigh went on, "I think it's better this way. Your brain protects itself. Maybe it's neural damage, too. You came out alive, sane… almost complete. I can think of worse fates, Harlock."
He chuckled softly. "So can I."
People were moving around, the early shift starting already. It was six in the morning.
"Breakfast?" Becket offered, glancing at the personnel giving them brief, curious looks. Harlock was still news around the Shatterdome.
"Sounds good."
YHYHYHYHYH
It was where Chuck found them, sharing the silence over a tray of scrambled eggs, toast and bacon. It was a strange sight, the two men complete opposites in appearance, but both were probably master brooders. He knew Raleigh for close to eighteen months now and even today the man was still prone to deep thought moments. It was up to Chuck Hansen to pull him out of it and push him to enjoy the life in the here and now.
Chuck grinned to himself and stacked a bagel and a muffin onto his tray, next to eggs, sausages, bacon and beans. He felt ravenously hungry.
When he joined the two men, Harlock only gave him a brief nod.
"Up all night again?" Chuck asked, stabbing into his eggs. "'Cause I woke up to an empty bed and I seem to remember I went to bed alone, too."
Raleigh gave him a scowl and Chuck caught the smirk flitting over Harlock's lips.
"You snored," Becket just shot back.
"As if. You are the one who keeps the whole level up at night."
"Shut up and eat your beans."
Chuck grinned and chewed noisily on the beans, making a show of it. Raleigh gave him a mock disgusted look.
"Kids," he muttered.
Harlock chuckled. "Tell me about it."
"Hey, five years!" Chuck argued. "Gramps!"
Harlock emptied his coffee mug and rose gracefully. "See you later. Get some sleep, Raleigh. We have a Drop later."
"Yessir," Raleigh drawled, flipping a lazy salute.
Chuck watched the captain go, shaking his head. "He's something."
"Probably."
"You and him talked, so don't give me the cryptic crap. I hung around the crew, gave them a few tips where to get the parts and how we handle things here. They talked some about Arcadia, her crew, the stuff that happened to Harlock. Lots of rumors and guess-work. But they respect him, have stuck around all that time. Extremely loyal. You'd have a united front if you ever threatened their pilots."
Raleigh nodded. "He's… inspiring."
"And a stubborn son of a bitch."
"Remind you of someone?"
"You're not that bad, Rah-leigh." Chuck grinned widely.
Raleigh kicked him in the leg.
YHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYH
The second time they Dropped and went down to the Breach, Harlock was more tense than Yama had ever seen him. There was an undercurrent of anxiety that was hard to miss.
The technicians were swarming around them, the spinal clamps fitting smoothly into place with soft clicks. Yama rolled his shoulders, feeling the first tingles of the connection. He put on his helmet, the Relay Gel sinking into the suit, ready to transmit the impulses between both pilots.
The digital HUD went online, the virtual environment bathing everything in a soft blue. The physical controls locked into place.
"Pilot-to-pilot connection engaged," the female voice told them evenly.
Yama felt the pull of the Drift and he let it happen. He felt the rush of another mind melding into his, saw flashes of memories, of emotions, felt the presence glide and whirl around him.
It was sensual.
Almost sexual.
It was a kind of intimacy that couldn't be achieved outside the neural bridge.
And he let it happen.
He was in perfect sync with his partner, the neural handshake was strong, but he could read the other's tension quite plainly.
"Harlock?" he asked, the voice only in the Headspace.
He got no reply. At least not in any way that could be seen as an answer. His partner was close, was part of him, and Yama felt him come closer, then push away, then drift back.
It wasn't the first time. Yama was used to the fluctuating distance, like Harlock wasn't sure whether he wanted closeness or not.
Yeah, it wasn't the first time and it wouldn't be the last.
This was Harlock. The man who was an enigma to many and an open book to Yama Logan.
YHYHYHYHYH
The moment they touched down on the ocean floor, Harlock's presence sharpened, a spike racing along the connection. Yama felt the apprehension flare, how Harlock drew in on himself, how he held on tightly to control.
Harlock's mind, the steel ball.
"Relax," he murmured, drifting closer and keeping his partner steady.
"I am." Harlock's voice was dark and cold. Dismissive.
"Uh-huh."
Not fooling me, he mused silently, making sure to let it leak over the connection between them.
The Dark Matter drive hummed underneath them and Yama sometimes imagined the particles as thin tendrils of purplish-black light, wafting around them, embracing them, enveloping Harlock and connecting him to Arcadia.
It was just his imagination, but it reflected something deeper.
Or was it?
Harlock had never mentioned those thoughts or images, but he must have picked them up.
The unease rose, but his partner fought it down, pushing away the notion that he was human and allowed to be afraid.
"You are," Yama said softly, under his breath. "Let yourself need something for once, Harlock. That's what I'm here for, y'know."
He caught a shiver, then a hug within the neural bridge, and Yama lifted a corner of his mouth.
Next to them, Epic North walked effortlessly across the ocean floor, heading toward the scar in the ground that had once been the Breach. There were numerous sensors everywhere, ceaselessly recording and transmitting data. They would check the sensors, bring back more samples, and have a look around for possible Kaiju remains.
Harlock shivered as they stopped next to the rubble on the ground. Yama sensed the rising discomfort, but it wasn't fear or even terror. It was the shapeless thing that reminded Harlock of what could have been, what he might never remember.
"Harlock?" he asked softly.
"Nothing."
It wasn't nothing. It was something.
At least it didn't get any stronger. There was no spike of pain this time. If Yama had to put it into words, it felt like sandpaper grating across his mind. Rough and unpleasant, but not drawing blood.
Their neural handshake remained steady and Arcadia moved purposefully toward the first sensor they had to check. Epic was already drilling for samples.
Yama decided not to push.
There was time for that later.
YHYHYHYHYH
Everything went smoothly this time. Harlock was his professional self, talking little, but the exchange between the two pilots happened nevertheless. The Drift made sure that thoughts flowed like within one mind, enabling them to understand each other without having to voice their thoughts.
The Drift held for five hours.
Yama was tired but happy afterwards, grinning happily when they were released from the Conn-Pod.
Harlock just nodded at the techs, then strode off into the changing room to remove the Drivesuit and take a shower.
Yama followed.
tbc...