Well, what can I say?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. A hundred, thousand million times. It has been months since I last posted.
My excuse this time is this - I simply did not have any time. At all. Luckily, I have more time for writing now that my exams are finished.
So now I can write about my reaction about the Stranger Things 3 trailer.
Oh. My. GOD!
It is - I have no words to describe how perfect it is. I was just completely unprepared for it. I actually heard about the trailer coming out on the radio, which is weird for one thing, because I always hear about news like that on my phone. But they started talking about Stranger Things, and I was like oh it must be their random subject of the day. But then they were like, 'Yes the official trailer has been released' and then they played a clip of it and I just had an absolute meltdown! Everyone was like, 'Wow, calm down'.
Oh my god, the trailer is just EVERYTHING I could have hoped for! And more! Mileven! Max and Eleven friendship! New Upside Down monster! Oh my heart is so full of love for this show. Also, I am currently living for that Dustin and Steve handshake.
What else happened? Well, I saw Captain Marvel, and I just loved it. Brie Larson's so badass in it. I think I preferred Wonder Woman, but I still recommend it! Also the cat was my favourite character.
Any good book recommendations? At the moment, my current book obsession is 'Cleopatra's Daughter' by Michelle Moran. It is just SO good. I'm serious, it needs to be made into a film. Cleopatra Selene's life was so fascinating! If you don't know who she is, she's the daughter of Queen Cleopatra. So I totally recommend this book to anyone who is interested in history, or historical fiction.
Who else here is excited for GOT Season 8? Can't WAIT!
Also to everyone who offered advice about Latin characters, I would love to hear it from you. You can just put it in the comments if you like! Also, a special thank you to shoulbslee. I loved your advice, I really appreciated it!
Just one more thing. At the moment, I don't want to give my name on social media yet. I got a bit of a scare a few months ago. Some of my social media accounts got hacked. It's all sorted now, but I'm going to be more careful in the future. At some point, I'll put up my name. Just not yet.
Thank you guys for being so patient. Love you! X
"Where are my car keys?"
El snapped out of her day dream, almost dropping the plate she was putting away in the cupboard and whirled around. Diane was marching around the kitchen determinedly, her pretty, made up face set in a hideous scowl. Her heels clacked against the tile floor as she walked around aimlessly, checking and scrutinizing random corners. "Well? Aren't you going to answer me?", she snapped at El, not even turning her head in her direction as she spoke. "Where. Are. My. CAR! KEYS!"
El just stared at her in disbelief, glancing at the small black and silver object that her step-mother was yelling about, sitting on the counter at the centre of the room. Diane was in such a mood, she hadn't even looked in the most obvious place.
"You hid them, didn't you?" She fixed El with a furious stare, her cold eyes narrowing. "Where are they? What did you do with them?"
El gripped the counter as she flinched. "They're-they're on the counter."
"You lying little bitch," Diane hissed at her. "If they were on the counter, don't you think I would have seen them by now?" Her screech filled the entire house, practically splitting El's ears open.
El swallowed. "But they are, they- "
"What did I say about answering me back, young lady!"
Answering her back? What?
Suddenly, something in El snapped. Before she could stop herself, she marched from her place beside the open dishwasher towards the counter and snatched up the car keys, holding them up for her to see. "They're right here," she said impatiently.
Diane seemed to freeze, eyes darting from the counter to the keys. But in a second her shock was gone - and it was replaced with undisguised rage.
"I didn't see them!", she screamed, spit flying out of her mouth. Her eyes were wide and crazed looking as she marched towards her. "How dare you speak to me like that!"
Before El could blink, Diane suddenly grabbed a hank of her hair and yanked hard. El's head snapped sideways, and she cried out as her temple made impact with the edge of the counter.
Before she had time to register the sharp aching on her temple, she felt the edge of the marble counter make impact with her head again, more forcefully this time. El hissed as she felt a stinging sensation, as well as a horrible dizziness come over her. She stumbled onto the ground, clutching her temple, her vision blurring slightly.
"Remember who you're speaking to, you spoilt little brat. Your disrespect towards me is absolutely disgusting, and I won't tolerate it. Any of it!"
El barely registered what she was saying, as she was trying to concentrate on focusing her vision, to no avail. Black spots were dancing before her, and her temple was throbbing badly as she felt a bump slowly beginning to swell up.
"Finish your chores," she heard Diane snap. "I will be back within an hour." El heard the jangle of car keys and the sound of her heels clacking on the ground fading away a she left the room. The front door slammed, before she heard the familiar roar of Diane's car engine starting up.
El squeezed her eyes shut, trying to shut out that familiar wave of numbness that was coming over her. Her eyes burned, but she withheld from letting any tears fall. Those tears would be wasted anyway. She just felt – helpless. So utterly weak and helpless. And it angered her so much more than her step-mother's abuse.
El groaned, struggling to her feet as she slowly made her way to the basement.
After grabbing a bag of frozen peas, she sat down in her bedroom as she held it to her head. Slowly the pain subsided, and the swelling went down. She looked down at the piles of school books beside her bed and sighed. Despite everything that was happening, she still had to focus on schoolwork. School was perhaps the only distraction in her life. Of course, El also tried her hardest in school because Diane absolutely refused to have it any other way. She has to succeed - or face the consequences. But - doing well in school was perhaps the only way to get her some measure of respect in this house. It gave her father a reason to talk to her. It also didn't hurt that Sara had flunked several subjects the previous year, which caused the school to organise a meeting with Jim and Diane to discuss their daughter's lack of effort in school. That was the only time she had ever seen Sara get into serious trouble.
As for El – she couldn't remember the last time she had failed a test. All she wanted to do was succeed and excel in her subjects. On several occasions, El would hand up a project several days before the deadline, while the rest of her classmates would likely leave their own assignments until the very last minute.
By doing her absolute best in school, she would have a better chance of getting into college.
There was also the matter of the money her mother had left her.
It was all tucked away in a bank account, and it would all go to her on the day she turns eighteen. It wasn't a humongous amount, but it was enough – hopefully – for her to get to college. Away from here. If not college, then it was definitely enough for her to move to another state, get a flat, and then her own job. She didn't care if she ended up working in a McDonalds for the rest of her life. She didn't care, as long as she was far, far away from this place. From her.
Still, though… El moved off her bed to reach beneath her mattress. She pulled out a crumpled brochure that she had had for several years. An out-of-date brochure for the Juilliard School.
It had been a life-long dream of hers – to get into this prestigious school. It was so fucking far-fetched that El still couldn't understand why she still held onto it. Maybe it was because it was one of the only sources of comforts she had now.
It was never going to happen. But it was a lovely dream all the same.
"Jesus, El. You must have had one hell of a wallop," Max remarked, shaking her head at the plaster on El's temple. "Does it hurt?"
El shook her head as she pulled books out of her locker. It was the end of the school day, with their last class just finishing up a few minutes ago. "I'm fine Max. I just slipped."
She had been avoiding Max's comments on her head all day, instead distracting her with questions about their plans that night. They were meeting up with Shelby and Logan to go to a nightclub in the Westside. Apparently, Max was friendly with the bouncers there. Diane was having dinner with the mayor and his family and wouldn't be home until late. It was a huge risk, one that El wasn't usually willing to take. But she was determined to go out tonight. She couldn't wait any longer. She had to see him. If there was anywhere he could be, it was probably Westside nightclub.
Max looked uncomfortable. "Seriously though, if it does hurt we can cancel tonight- "
"No." El shut her locker and turned to face her friend. "We're not cancelling tonight. We're going out, like we planned. Shelby and Logan are going to be disappointed if we don't go."
"Well, yes, but this is concerning your health- "
"Max." El looked straight into her eyes. "I'm not going to repeat myself. I'm. Fine. Perfect. Great. I'll be able for it. It's going to be a good night. You and the others keep saying that I need to get out of my comfort zone more often. So that's what I'm doing. Spending time with you guys and just having fun."
Max stared at her for a moment, still looking slightly worried. But she nodded. "Okay, then El. I trust you to know yourself whether or not you're able for something."
Lies and more lies. The whole reason she wanted to risk going out to the Westside again, was so she could – see him.
She needed a real explanation from him. After what happened that previous night… El knew she had to talk to him. He told her to go because he had a meeting, was what he said. And that was probably all it was.
But El couldn't help but remember the look on his face when she had finished telling him his story. He looked – he looked almost as though he had seen a ghost. She wasn't sure but… Something she said seemed to have triggered something in him. Something about this just didn't feel right…
She shook her head. No, she was being stupid. He was agitated that night because he was going to a gang-related meeting and he didn't want her involved. That was all.
Max pushed open the front double doors of the school and stepped outside into the sun. "How's your dad anyways? Is he coming home yet?"
"The day after tomorrow," El answered. Which was a good thing. Wasn't it?
Max smiled at her. "Good to hear, honey."
El managed a smile back, but at the same time butterflies were fluttering violently in her stomach. After she had gone back to the house that evening, it had struck her that she hadn't even questioned Mike about - about her father's big secret. A secret so big apparently, that Mike had thought she couldn't handle it, and forbade even his closest friend from telling her.
He was wrong though. No matter how bad it was, she could handle it. Although she couldn't think for the life of her what her father was doing on the side that was so terrible. He was a cop. They enforced the law.
Cops weren't perfect, she knew that. Including her dad. And after hearing about Will's mother…
If her father was capable of playing dirty to get what he wanted, what else was he capable of?
No more secrets, she decided. From now on, he was going to be honest with her. She'd make him.
Even if that made her a total fucking hypocrite.
But he couldn't know. About her life. He just – he couldn't. Any of it. She had told him enough already. Just the fact that she had told him about her mother-
Her chest tightened. It scared her that she felt safe around him, safe enough to tell him things that she had never ever told a single soul. It terrified El that a part of her wanted to tell him everything.
He was the most attractive, devastatingly handsome guy she had ever met. That gorgeous jet-black hair. His dark piercing eyes. His sensual, wry smile. And oh god, those cheekbones. His looks rivalled that of any guy who ever made the magazine cover for the Sexiest Man Alive.
And not only that. He was kind, gentle, caring – all right, at first, she had been intimidated by him. But afterwards... He had saved her life God knows how many times. He looked out for, he helped her, he listened to her. He had shown her more consideration than her own father had shown her during her entire lifetime. But that didn't mean of course that she was-
She froze, immediately pushing that thought away from her head. No. Just no. She didn't have time for silly, idle thoughts like that.
Then again – he had shown her his more vulnerable side. He had shown her that he wasn't the monster everyone thought he was, how broken he was inside. He had saved her, more times than she could count now. And the way he looked at her…
Stop it, she told herself. You're setting yourself up for something you can't have in your life.
She knew that no matter how strong her feelings were about him, that at some point it just wasn't going to work out. They were two completely different people. Soon she was going to get out of here and leave her life in Hawkins behind. Leave him behind. It was dangerous enough that she was even risking this – this – whatever it was.
What was it then? 'Affair' was too strong a word to describe what they had, more suited for the likes of Bill Clinton and his endless string of flings with other women. But her and Mike - they were being secretive about it. So secret, in fact, that she couldn't possibly call him her boy-
Okay, okay, hold on. She was getting a bit to far ahead of herself here.
Max had started jabbering away about some incident in her chemistry class where someone almost set the teacher on fire. El nodded repeatedly, pretending to listen to her.
Tonight, she was going to find him. And she wasn't going to leave, until he told her what he knew about her father.
The evening was relatively mild, with only a slight breeze blowing in the air. The sky was one shade away from reaching a totally black colour and the stars were already visible through the wispy clouds. El tucked her navy bomber jacket to her body. The club – if you could even call it that – was in a warehouse similar to that other building where the public fighting matches took place. And where Mike first – well – when they first kissed.
El shivered at the memory. It had been pretty intense no doubt about that. But she wouldn't trade it for anything.
Through the windows, they could see multicoloured lights illuminated through it. A steady beat from the music in there vibrated through her ears. At the doors, there was a long queue of people waiting to get in, but Max walked right past them, leading them straight to the top of the barriers. The bouncers at the door were checking people's ID's as they went in. El tensed up when she saw this. Despite Max's assurances that she knew the bouncers here, El was still worried.
But those fears were evaporated when one of the men checking people's ID's caught sight of them and waved them over. Max grinned as she went up to him. "Hey Martin. How's the family doing?"
"Max, how are you?" The man was around fifty, with sandy brown hair and a kindly smile. "We're great, thank God. The usual I suppose. Here, go on in. There's a bit of a crowd tonight, so I'd be careful with your purses in there."
"You're a pal, Martin," Max grinned.
He nodded at them as he pushed the barrier aside to let them in. "Say hello to your mother for me."
"Will do. Thanks man."
The scent of alcohol and sweaty bodies filled her nostrils. Lights of every colour flashed down on the crowd of people dancing away to hip hop music, illuminating individual faces. The DJ was on a stage at the other end of the room.
El moved through the crowd, craning her neck. There had to be about 200 people here. Mike had to be here somewhere. She knew how ridiculous it was that she kept relying on luck and chance for their meetings, but… She had no other choice. She had to be as discrete as possible. Besides, it was a nightclub. If there was anywhere he'd go for a night out, it was here.
"Who's up for tequila?" Max shouted excitedly.
"Me!" Shelby yelped excitedly, and immediately started making her way to the bar, followed by Max and Logan.
El bit her lip. Maybe he wasn't here. She folded her arms, trying not to feel too disappointed.
She was about to follow them, when suddenly she felt an arm snake around her waist, the scent of a mixture of sweat and cologne hit her senses, and she heard that familiar husky voice in her ear that made her insides melt. "Hey baby."
She turned to see him looking down at her with that familiar devilish smirk, sporting his signature jacket. El automatically felt a smile creep over her face. She opened her mouth, but before she could say anything, he removed his arm from her waist and strolled past her. She watched, slightly confused as he walked a few yards through the throngs of people. Did he want her to follow him? Her thoughts were confirmed when he looked back at her, and made a slight jerk with his head, before making his way through the crowd.
El felt her insides relax internally. She looked around quickly. Anyone could be watching, she reminded herself. Plastering a bored look on her face, she made her way through the crowd, using a different path to follow Mike. She saw him disappear into a side door near the bar area.
Slowly she made her way through dancing groups of people, edging past couples making out on the dance floor.
No sooner had she opened the door and stepped outside into the darkened corridor, then she immediately felt his lips crushing hers, hot and needy. He pulled her to him by the waist and his muscled body pushed her back against the hard wall. She immediately melted into the kiss, wrapping one arm around his back and burying the other in that gorgeous dark hair.
His tongue swept in, and she groaned as the kiss became more desperate. Just as he was edging his fingers into the pockets of her jeans, she remembered with a jolt the real reason why she was here.
"Wait," she pulled away reluctantly. Judging from the look on his face, he was annoyed that she had interrupted their little moment. "Mike, I - we need to talk."
He didn't want to. Anything but this.
"What about?", he said in a matter of fact way.
She brushed a strand of hair from her face, looking slightly nervous. "We promised each other that we'd be honest with one another, right? Well I need you to be honest with me. Okay?"
"What is it you want me to say?"
She took a deep breath. "Just, listen okay? I'm going to ask you something - and you're going to answer. Truthfully. Deal?"
He sighed, running a hand through his hair. There was no escaping this. She was going to ask him about why he made her leave that other day. He was going to have to tell her. She deserved to know. Mike would have given anything to get out of this situation. The fact that they had – met – when they were kids – and in that circumstance…
He would never have guessed it, not in a million years. By some trick of fate or God or whatever supernatural force that was currently overseeing their lives, they had met again.
"Mike, I need you to tell me what exactly you know about my dad. What he's covering up."
He stared at her. No this was worse. Definitely worse.
Jesus, he had almost forgotten about that. With her father, what that bastard had been doing on the side… He shoved that awful thought from his mind. Fuck, was he actually considering telling her this? No it was too messed up it-
He looked at her, this beautiful girl who had filled his thoughts day and night. She had listened to him. She understood him. Hell, she wasn't even afraid of him. He never had a girlfriend before who was-
Girlfriend? What – is that what she was? He shook that thought out of his head. No, there was no time for that right now.
He could tell her. He made a promise that he was going to be honest with her. And he badly wanted to keep it.
But just the image of those angelic eyes filling up with tears of horror, a stricken expression on her face, was enough to haunt him. And he knew he couldn't tell her.
"No."
She stared daggers at him. "Why not."
Well, there was no point lying to her about it. "Because you won't be able to handle it."
"And what makes you think that?" She folded her arms, agitated. "Mike, I need to know. This is my dad we're talking about. Please!"
He made a low growl of frustration. "I'm not going to tell you, and that is final. Believe me, it's better for you if you don't know. I can't have you in on this as well."
"Mike, I need you to tell me what you know about my dad. Please!" She gripped his face, forcing him to look at her. "I can handle it. I swear, just tell me."
He closed his eyes for a moment. "Jesus Christ El, I'm not talking about a fucking embezzlement or a simple fraud. This is something that-." He caught sight of something out of the corner of his eye as he spoke.
Her sleeve had slipped down slightly, exposing some of her skin. And there was a long red scab on her wrist. No, two scabs, side by side. Long and precise. As if – unless he was mistaken…
His voice trailed off.
Her heard El say something to him, but he wasn't paying attention. He felt something inside him go still and cold. She followed his gaze to her wrist and stiffened.
"The fuck?", he heard himself mutter.
El took a sharp intake of breath and whipped her arm back, but his hand shot out, snatching her wrist. She made a whimpering noise as he pulled her sleeve back sharply. Nothing could have prepared him for what he saw.
Her entire arm was covered in long, clean cuts. Red, deep and grotesque. Some were clearly older, no more than scars. But most of them looked new, as if – as if -
His breathing grew heavier. "What the fuck is this, El?"
"It-it's nothing, let go-." She attempted to pull her arm out of his grasp, to no avail. He gripped her arm even tighter, as if it was the only thing that was anchoring him to the ground. It might as well have been.
Those cuts on her arm – there were fucking dozens of them. As if she kept cutting open the same ones over and over again. Jesus, how long – how long had she been doing this-
"El – did – did you do this to yourself?" His voice rose. He ran his eyes over her arm, smoothing his fingers over them. Checking that this wasn't a damn hallucination. Because it had to be, otherwise he would have noticed. He would have fucking noticed-
"Mike, let go- "
He couldn't hold it in anymore. "Answer my fucking question! Did you do this to yourself!"
"Let go of my fucking arm!", she shouted, suddenly shoving him away with astonishing strength, not enough to make him stumble, but hard enough to force him to let go. She pulled her arm away from his grasp, stumbling away in a rush.
She was – she was doing this to herself. And he had been too caught up with himself to see the fucking signs. He could tell that there was something off about her, but he could never put his finger on it. Here was the ugly truth spread out before him, harsh and unyielding.
"How could keep this from me," he said in a low voice. "We said we were going to be fucking honest with one another! What's the goddamn point me making that promise to you, when you're fucking hiding – hiding – this shit from me!"
El seemed too terrified to answer, staring at him wide-eyed. Mike suddenly had a flashback to when they had first met in the pouring rain. He had reminded her of a deer in the headlights.
He was using all of his will power to stay composed. "El," he spoke in a low voice. "Listen to me, okay." He took a step towards her, but she flinched back. "You-you can't keep doing this to yourself. You just can't."
"Shut up," her voice was shaking.
"El I can help. You need help, you need to talk to someone about this-. "
"No." She was shaking her head rapidly. "No, I don't need to, I'm fine-. "
Anger welled up in his chest and he clenched his fists. "Don't fucking lie to me, El. You're clearly not fine, and you know it!"
"This is none of your business," she spat. Her outright coldness took him aback. He had never seen her this – mad. Like she was angry at him for invading her personal space. It infuriated him.
"Oh, you think you have it bad?", he snarled at her, eyes flashing with fury and almost choking with rage. "You think you're the only one in this world who's suffering?" For the first time ever, he had no control over what came out of his mouth when he spoke to her. He walked right up to El, leaving a centimetre of space between them. She paled slightly at his look but didn't back down.
He stared right into her eyes. "Well let me tell you something sweetheart. You - haven't - a - fucking - clue. You hear me?"
His voice was guttural as he spoke. "See, there's a huge fucking difference between you and me. You live in a fucking mansion, where you get hot dinners every night, a warm bed, and a good education. I live in a shitty trailer park, I live mostly on takeaways, and I dropped out of school when I was sixteen. You have it fucking lucky next to me."
"Your dad ignores you, I get that that's shitty. My dad would come home every night and beat the shit out of me whenever he felt like it. Your mom died, but at least she loved you. My mom didn't give two flying fucks about me. She dumped me the first chance she got. And plus. Every day, for me was about surviving. Every day, I wondered if someone was just going to finish me off. But you know what? I just said, 'Fuck that'. I'll show these fuckers. I'm going to show them that I'm worthy of living. But you? You're just going to throw your whole life away? You – sweetheart - have no idea what its truly like to have a fucked up life. You have no idea what it was like for me, with my dad, with the whole fucking gang. If you were in my shoes, you wouldn't have survived two days!"
El was standing very, very still, her arm still clutched to her chest as if she was afraid it was going to fall off. She opened her mouth, but no sound came out.
Some part of Mike knew that he wasn't handling this situation right. That he had to stop right now, before he made things worse. He was already making it worse, for himself and for her.
But he didn't care. He was just too irate to give a shit about anything at that very moment. He was so angry, he couldn't think straight. Because he just couldn't understand why someone would want to hurt themselves like that. Why someone as beautiful as her would even think about-
It made him want to punch a hole in that brick wall.
Ragged breaths were coming out of Mike's mouth. "You see, princess?", he hissed at her. "Don't you see how fucking lucky you are? I got fucked up my whole life. Every day, I would wake up wondering what my old man was going to do to me and knowing that there was no escaping him. So, don't you dare stand there, and selfishly act like your life is a fucking misery compared to everyone else's. You don't know shit, El! Because you wouldn't know the true meaning of fucking abuse even if it hit you in the goddamn face!"
The moment those words were out of his mouth, he regretted them.
There was such a silence coming from her, such a dead silence.
She just stared at him, unmoving, with no emotion in her expression.
And just looking into those eyes, those beautiful eyes that were now looking at him lifelessly, as if he had broken her, betrayed her… It dawned on Mike at that very moment that he had genuinely and irrevocably fucked everything up.
She spoke quietly to him, but with enough venom to make him flinch hard. "Fuck you, Mike."
Mike was rooted to the spot as El shoved past him, slamming the door behind her. It took about ten seconds for him to jump into action. He rushed to the door, pulling it open and immediately scanned the crowd. But it had somehow gotten even more crowded during the last ten minutes, if that was even possible. Mike shoved his way through the throngs of people, desperately looking for a head of brunette curls. Fuck, fuck, fuck, what the fuck was he thinking-?
Dustin appeared before him, holding a can of beer.
"Yo, boss, what's going on?", he crowed in a drunken manner. "Man, I just got with the hottest girl- "
"Henderson, did you see a brunette girl wearing a navy jacket pass you by just now?
Dustin frowned. "Um. No, I don't think so. Don't remember. Why, are you looking for someone?"
Mike ignored him, pushing his way through the crowd, growling in frustration as he scanned the place for her. Just fucking great. He just screwed everything up.
Some girl in a mini dress sidled up to him, staring at him with lust-filled eyes, but he barely noticed, shoving past her as if she was nothing more than a stray dog.
He pushed his way through the crowd, snarling in agitation when he still couldn't spot her. No way in hell could she have gotten out this fast.
But… She was nowhere to be seen. Unless…
Mike immediately started shoving through the throngs of people more roughly, until he managed to get to the doorway. "Martin!" He got to the nearest bouncer, who was currently scrutinising someone's ID card. Immediately the man stopped what he was doing, paling slightly when he saw Mike approach him. He managed a helpful smile though. "Sir! Um, how may I help you?"
"Did you see a girl, a teenager, with curly brunette hair and a navy jacket, leave through this doorway?"
He frowned slightly, as if trying to remember.
"She may have been with a red-haired girl?" Mike persisted.
Martin's face cleared. "Oh – ah yes. Yes, she was with her friends here, I believe and one of them was probably the girl you just described. Navy jacket you say… Uh yes, she left through this doorway just now."
So, she had left. He nodded his thanks and rushed out the door. He searched among the crowds of people wandering around outside. She was of course long gone.
What the hell was he thinking? He had to make it up to her, had to make things right.
"Jesus," he whispered. He had to find her. Tomorrow he was going to find her. He couldn't lose her, not now, not like this. She was way too important to him.
El didn't know what time it was when she got back to the house. She couldn't remember getting there, but she could remember the feelings of numbness and betrayal. There was a shard in her guts, painful and merciless. Her heart was aching in a way that she hadn't felt since – since her mom had passed.
Upon leaving the club she had bumped into an extremely tipsy Shelby, and then quickly proceeded to let her know that she was leaving. She only hoped that Shelby was sober enough not to completely forget about what she was saying.
There was no sign of life in the house as she approached it quietly. Diane's car wasn't parked in the driveway, thank God.
No sooner had those words crossed her mind, when the unmistakeable roar of a car engine filled the air. Five seconds later, Diane's car appeared, approaching the driveway to the garage.
El froze. Panic and horror spread through her as she immediately ducked behind the house. Fuck, fuck, fuck. She heard the car door slam, and Diane walking briskly to the front door. Another slam.
El was trying to control her breathing. The basement window was towards the front of the house, and from where she was standing, she could see that it was still open. But running to it while the porch light was still on – Diane would see her. On the other hand, if she got to it when the porch light went out, it would just come on again.
There were only a few seconds left until the porch light went out. She had to act quickly. Gathering up her courage, she shot out from the shadows, tiptoeing as quickly as she could towards the open window.
Her heart was in her mouth a she squeezed through it, trying not to make a sound. She climbed through the basement window, and hopped onto the ground, carefully closing the window behind her. She let out a breath, and the tension in her body eased. Carefully she took off her jacket.
"Where the hell were you."
El's heart stopped and she whirled around.
Diane stood there, her hair still in its fancy perm and her face twisted into a look of hatred and disgust.
"You snuck out," she hissed. "You actually had the audacity and disrespect – to sneak out."
El took a step back, her heart rate increasing. It had finally happened. She got caught. Fear rose up in her like a flood and she swallowed.
"I knew it," she hissed. "I never believed that you would truly be stupid enough to disobey me. But Sara was right. She told me all about you meeting with a man after school and how you drove off with him. I didn't believe her at first. But now…"
El was shaking so hard she couldn't feel her legs anymore.
Diane advanced towards her. "You – little – whore."
But suddenly she felt Diane grab her hair and yanked hard. El cried out as she stumbled off the stairs and was dragged by the hair. Her entire scalp felt as though it was going to get ripped off.
"What were you doing?", she heard her scream. "Fucking him? Is that it? You, filthy slut!"
The air was knocked out of her as she felt a blow to her stomach, Diane's fist thrusting upwards and El's breath instantly left her for dead as she doubled over, her knees buckling. She was struggling to keep the contents of her stomach down, when she felt another blow to her abdomen. This time, she felt an agonising crack in her rib area. She could taste bile, and a hint of blood as she collapsed, gasping for breath.
She wanted to curl up, to protect herself from her wrath, but El could do nothing, just lie there helplessly, fighting for air.
She heard a clank against the floor, before a sudden razor-sharp pain ripped across her back. This time a sound emerged from her throat, raw and painful. She felt that object strike again, harder, more furiously this time. El could feel the tears soaking her face. Her entire back was on fire, endless and without mercy. Diane's screaming continued to ring in her ears as she felt her skin being split open torturously.
El couldn't move, even as she attempted to crawl away, to force some kind of movement in her muscles. But her entire body had gone completely numb from the burning, throbbing pain.
Her mind took her somewhere else during those moments, a place far away where she could shut out the pain. She heard Diane's screaming and the feeling of that metal impacting her skin, splitting it further and further open. But she couldn't feel the agony that resulted from it.
She didn't know how long she had been lying there on her own for, didn't know when Diane had stopped hurting her. It could have been minutes, or even hours. All she knew was that she was in such indescribable pain that she could barely move.
Slowly, El cracked her eyes open, immediately finding that they were crusted with dried tears. It was pitch black all around her as she lay there on the icy concrete floor. There was a warm, wetness soaking her top, combined with burning pain that didn't seem to be going away any time soon.
Her eyes snagged on the belt discarded on the ground several feet away. She didn't even bother hiding it. She wanted her to know what exactly she had used.
Tears streamed down her face as she pushed herself up. She swore, biting her lip hard, and squeezing her eyes shut. Reassuring herself that she could do it.
Finally she got up, and slowly limped towards the bathroom. Every step felt like a nail bomb exploding in her innards.
El didn't want to look in the mirror. But she knew from the state of her clothes, which were a bloody mess, just what sort of condition her back was in.
She stepped into the shower and turned on the freezing cold water. She didn't care that it wasn't warm. She stood there, unflinching, as the icy water sprayed her. She could only watch as all the bloody water disappeared down the drain. There was such an emptiness inside of her, growing and spreading like a disease. She just stared and stared at a crack in the tiles, watching as it zoomed in and out of her didn't realise she was clenching her fists until she felt her nails cutting into her skin.
She didn't just hate her step-mother with every fibre of her being. She wanted to kill her.
El didn't know how she got through the first couple of periods the next day at school. She avoided Max all morning, simply walking in the opposite direction whenever she caught sight of her. She didn't want her involved in this. She heard nothing in class, only concentrating on not moving her body too much. Her back was just a dull ache, twinging with pain every time she stood up, or sat down. She could feel the cuts leaking, the blood stick to her top. But she just kept her eyes on the board, or on the desk, and said nothing.
The next class was P.E. While all the girls were giggling together as they got changed, El grabbed her clothes and went into a shower cubicle to get changed.
When she got out she noticed several girls looking her way, and giggling. Probably sneering at what she was wearing. El shut them out as she entered the gym.
It was volley ball. El watched with a sinking feeling as they were slit up into groups.
Afraid of moving, of doing anything at all, El hung back from her group. Luckily, the other girls seemed to be getting on fine without her. El prayed that she would stay invisible.
The class seemed to drag on forever, and several times, she felt like collapsing, her back was aching so much, as if knives were digging into her skin.
El turned around to look towards the clock at the far wall, when suddenly she felt a ball hit her on the back. And it sent a sharp, burning pain through her senses all over again. She hissed, her knees buckling. Her back was aflame all over again, throbbing and tender. She heard exclamations, and undisguised whispers. She just kept her eyes on the ground, concentrating on breathing.
She could hear her PE teacher talking to her, as she breathed in and out. Her fists were clenched tightly.
She couldn't. She just couldn't do it. She knelt there, trying not to collapse with pain.
"You all right there… kid?" She heard her teacher say. She didn't even know her name. Not very surprising.
"I don't feel well, miss." El mumbled, grimacing at the sharp pain on her spine. It wasn't faked. She looked up, at the woman's concerned face. The teacher eyed her carefully. She gave a little nod. "Okay, kid I'll let you off. You can go to the nurse's office. I'd advise you to take it easy, all right?"
Trying not to weep with relief, El thanked her and slowly began making her way to the changing rooms. She felt the other girls stares at her back, and their low whispering seemed to follow her all the way back to the locker room. Walking stiffly and wincing, she put her hand on the handle of the door to the dressing room.
"El!"
She turned at the sound of her friend's voice. "Max? You're not in this class."
Max's face was tight and pale looking as she marched towards her. For once, her eye make-up was slightly smudged as if she had been rubbing at it. "Why are you avoiding me?"
"I'm not-"
"You are El, don't lie to me! Something happened last night, didn't it? That's why you left early? Or did something happen on the way home. Oh my God, I should never have let you walk home by yourself-". Max was clearly distressed, working herself into a frenzy. Her eyes were filling up, and she clasped her hands to her mouth. "Jesus El, just tell me, please. You're killing me."
"Nothing happened," El heard herself say, and walked into the locker room. Max followed her.
"I'm not playing around here, El, you have to tell me what's going on with you!"
"I've gotta go," she said abruptly.
"Go-go where?"
"Anywhere, but here." She pulled her bag out from under the bench.
"Okay El, listen to me." Max grabbed her by the arm, and made her look at her, her stare pinning her to the ground. She looked desperate. "I am completely at the edge of reason now. You have been avoiding me all day, and I need to know why. You have to tell me what the hell is going on!"
"There is nothing going on." El shook off her hand. She couldn't feel anything right at that moment. She just – she didn't care anymore. "Just leave it."
"El you need to tell me-"
"No, I don't!", El snapped, turning on her. Max stopped, her mouth slightly open.
"El, I'm just trying to help you. I'm worried-"
"Well stop worrying. I don't need it. I don't need your constant fucking nagging, and you worrying about every little detail you notice about me. I have enough people in my life controlling me right now and I don't need you to do it either. I'm sick and tired of your constant obsessive nagging towards me, like an irritating ass! Just fuck off!"
She knew she should apologise and take it all back. But something in her was preventing her from doing so. Max just stared at her, her expression changing from shock to hurt to anger and back to urt again. "Is that you see me then?" Her voice trembled. "Nothing more than an obsessive, irritating ass?"
No. El opened her mouth.
"I just want you to go away. I don't want you and I don't need you here. So just go, already. Go."
Max said nothing. She stared at her with an iciness that sent a shock through El. Then without another word, she turned on her heel and stormed out of the locker room, slamming the door behind her.
El instantly regretted her words. Tears pricked her eyes. She had screwed up. First Mike, and now Max. She just ruined the last good thing in her life. Max was never going to forgive her.
Maybe it was just as well. She was going to hurt her at some point anyway.
She started changing out of her tracksuit, keeping her back straight as she did so. This made it so awkward for her, that she was forced to bend over slightly. Burning pain spread across her muscles and she felt tears dripping down her face. She didn't know whether it was from the pain, or about the argument. It was probably both.
She heard a quiet click, and she froze. Was there someone in here? El listened carefully, staying very still and holding her breath. But there was no other sound. She shook her head, wincing slightly as the movement brought another ache on her shoulders.
She wasn't going to look at what had been done to her. She whipped off her hoodie, and then her t-shirt, and started at the amount of blood on it. She shoved it in her bag.
She was reaching for her clean t-shirt when a voice sounded behind her, husky and trembling. "El?"
And everything just stopped.
She froze, just froze up completely, forgetting how to breathe entirely.
This was a dream. It couldn't be real, it couldn't be real, it couldn't be real-
No, was all that was running through her head at that very second. No no no no no.
No, he couldn't be here, he just couldn't be. No, God no, please don't let it be true, please don't let it be him, anyone but him.
Her legs trembling, she raised her eyes from her bag, slowly to the mirror in front of her, to see the tall foreboding figure reflected in it. Her eyes meeting those dark orbs that had imprinted themselves in her mind from the first moment she had met him.
He was standing there at the end of the aisle behind her, wearing a hoodie instead of his usual leather attire, probably for disguise purposes. And he was standing still – so, so unnaturally still. Even his chest wasn't moving, as if he had stopped breathing. It was almost as though he was somehow frozen in time, like a statue.
And El had never seen him look so numb, so at a loss for words. His expression betrayed his warring feelings, as it changed from disbelief, to anger, to devastation. Only his eyes were still as he stared at her. At her back.
Bile rose up in her throat, sour and nauseating as she suddenly became aware of everything on her back, what had been done to her that previous night. What she had done to her. And she felt naked, so pathetically naked, not just physically but also as if her mind had been cracked open, and everything that she had ever thought, seen and said, was now being shouted out for the whole world to hear.
She wanted to cover herself up, run away, anything to stop him from staring at her back. But her legs had turned to granite. she just stood there, unable to move or think or do anything.
At last something in her sparked, and she whirled around, grabbing her hoodie and clutching it to her chest as she faced him, her aching back pressed against the icy mirror behind her. Her entire body was shaking violently as it struck her at that very moment, the full reality of this situation.
He saw the truth. For the first time he saw the truth. The awful, shameful truth that was now laid out before him like a fucking buffet.
He just stood there, unmoving, as she saw realisation dawning on him.
And it was as if a demon had taken over his body. All the light in his eyes had snuffed out like a candle and whatever emotion he was feeling that was reflected in his eyes disappeared, replaced with a coldness that seemed to promise suffering and death.
When he spoke, it was almost as if a dark presence had indeed possessed him, because the low, guttural voice so full of hate and wrath and violence wasn't the voice she had come to know. And for the first time, El could just tell by looking at him, at the undiluted wrath in his eyes, what this man could truly be capable of.
"Who - did - this?"
So, I'm sure some of you are questioning Mike's reaction. I thought about it a lot too. So here is my explanation.
Mike here is someone who had a shitty life. He spent his entire life trying to survive and trying to prove that he was worth something. That was his goal. So basically, he can't understand how someone like El would want to hurt themselves, when he spent his whole life fighting for his own life.
It's simple. Mike had people who loved him. He had something to live for. El didn't. Mike assumed that she did. He still believes that out of the two of them, she has the better life. That's why he had such a bad reaction. Not once did he suspect that her life was just as miserable as his own.
Well I can say now that that illusion is destroyed.