The Big Love

Chapter Ten: In Which There Are Financial Problems

Konan was enjoying the day very much. For once in her life, her many squabbling husbands had bein minding their Ps and Qs, and had more or less stayed out of each others hair. Happily, she sat down with her book. For the first time in what seemed like a milennium, she had time to read a book, and actually finish it. After a while, she set it down and stretched luxuriously. "I suppose I should go start dinner... it's my night, isn't it? All I know is that I refuse to eat Kisame's frozen Fish Food Casserole..." she mumbled to herself.

"However, when she was on the stairs, a bloodcurdling scream nearly made her fall down the stairs in shock. She sprinted down to find Kakuzu clutching a piece of paper and looking as though someone had kicked him in the gonads. "What's wrong?!" she demanded to know. Kakuzu said nothing, but extended the paper to Konan, who took it. As she scanned it, her eyes bugged out.

"The... utitility bill..." she whispered. "How did it get to be ten thousand dollars?"

"I don't know," Kakuzu croaked. "All I know is that it's time for some serious budget cuts."

That evening, Konan called everyone together. "I have something very inmportant to discuss with all of you."

"Are we upgrading to satellite television?" Sasori asked. Hidan rolled his eyes.

"We already have satellite television, dumbass. You thought you broke it last week," he retorted.

"Oh yeah."

"Do you want some jewelry? Because that can be arranged," Deidara stated. "What is it? Diamonds? Sapphires? Amethysts?"

"No. You morons ran up a ten-thousand dollar utility bill. Now, instead of using electricity, we'll be using candles. No television, or computer. Showers will be limited to three minutes of cold water. Cooking will be done over an open fire. No running the heater or air conditioner. If I find out that you idiots violate these guidelines, there will be consequences. Got it?" Konan barked out the list of orders one after the other, and everyone stared at each other, terrified.

"You... plan to cut us off frokm all utilities?" Dark Zetsu asked, a look of horror crossing his face.

"You're on crack!" Hidan exploded. "Three-minute cold showers? Did you lose your mind? I need at LEAST fifteen minutes!"

"Yeah! Three minutes is nowhere near enough time for me to wash my hair!" Deidara shrieked.

"Will you listen to me for a minute or two?" Konan replied. "Deidara, I know for a fact that you like to take hour-long showers."

"Yeah, so? You want to join me?" Deidara answered, trying to sound seductive. Konan rolled her eyes.

"Yeah right. So you cost us about seventy-five dollars every time you do so. Hidan, I know that you like to leave all of the lights on when you're praying," Konan continued.

"Of course! I have to illuminate the room the way I illuminate my soul!" Hidan replied.

"Of course," Konan repeated. "Well, don't do it. It's expensive."

"But-" Hidan began before he was cut off.

"No buts," Konan interrupted. "We cannot afford a ten-thousand dollar utilities bill, are you crazy? We are going to drastically cut our use of them to save money."

And just like that, the Era of Extreme Economic Cutbacks at the Akatsuki Lair began. And just like that, the fights broke out.

"Yo, fucker, hurry up. I've got to take a piss," Hidan barked through the bathroom door.

"Sorry Hidan, I can't find the shower tap in the candelight," Itachi called back. "Kakuzu bought the cheapest candles he could find, and the lighting sucks."

"How difficult is it to find a fucking tap?" Hidan wondered. There was a clunk, and some muted swearing. "Uh, Itachi?"

"I'm fine... I just tripped."

Elsewhere in the house, Sasori was bemoaning the loss of his beloved television. "Can't I just watch ten minutes of CNN?" he begged his wife. "How else am I supposed to get the news?"

"It's called a newspaper," Konan sighed. "We're trying to keep costs down. No TV."

"I can't freaking cook over this fire!" Zetsu complained, trying to spit-roast something that looked suspiciously like a foot. "Nothing ever cooks evenly! Parts of the food are charred, and others are raw! It's nasty!"

"Konan, this is ridiculous!" Deidara whined. "I haven't been able to properly wash my hair in ages! And that water is ICY-un!"

"Uh, Konan?" Kakuzu asked quietly. "I took another look at the bill again."

"And?" Konan asked.

"It's the bill for the Yukimi Hotel up the street. You know, that really expensive place that costs a year's income to stay at? Yeah. It's not our bill."

"WHAT?"

"Yeah, We panicked over nothing. Here's the real bill," Kakuzu replied, holding out another bill. Konan snatched it and scanned it, resisting the urge to bang her head on the wall.

"Only two hundred..." she muttered. "I guess we can go back to normal utility usage."

"YAY!" everyone cheered in unison.

To Be Continued

Author's Comments:

Global economic crisis. Rising prices of just about everything. I was at the grocery store and stuff that used to cost 99 cents when I was a little kid now costs nearly four dollars. It's crazy.

That's what inspired this chapter- it's kind of a depressing topic, but... it's a topic that I think everyone can relate to. At least, for them, the high prices turned out to be a mistake. Now if only the price of gas and food was a mistake...

-Kaboom