Forsaken In My Mind's Past

Chapter 8, "Your Disease" ~ Saliva

Edward's POV continued…

**A/N: As always…my betas on this, THEsnapcrakklepop, Love Of Escapism, and ChristineC23, are amazing and actually make me look good! Keep the reviews coming, it makes my world go 'round. Don't forget to check out my profile for some links to my awesome banner (anamorphos- talent doesn't even describe you. Thanks!), some pics I've chosen for the story, and manips made by the fabulous Ceci.

I hope you all are enjoying the music…it really does reflect on the chapter 'mood' so check it out and listen while you read. This song reflects precisely how Edward feels about his ex, Rosalie. Lots more about her in this chapter, so have fun with that!

Song Link, Your Disease: .com/watch?v=R7z2lJhaFds&ob=av2e

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, its characters, and ME, of course. So, the Twilight Saga is her bitch, FIMMP is mine. Okie dokie? ©2009/2010 WickedCurveBall74/RobsMyEdibleArt, All rights reserved worldwide.

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"Huh!

The one moment I'm going all the way

I make my poetry every day

And I'm frozen, coming right on time,

I froze my mind with that serious rhyme

And I'm open, coming up inside

You know my mind has a grand design

And flowing going all the way,

I make my point to be everyday

Common!

And I wanna take you down,

but your soul cannot be found

It doesn't matter what you say,

'cause your disease is killing me

And you know it's only right,

'cause it feels like paradise

And nothing is for free,

'cause your disease is killing me….."

XXXX

My father wasn't going to take this lightly. He knew full well that Bella was a married woman, and there was no possible way he would let me slip out of there without an interrogation, followed then by a lecture on the moral high ground.

I sighed to myself. I couldn't handle that tonight...not tonight. I had to do everything I could to force Carlisle to save the harangue for another fucking day. Although I knew he would be discreet, Bella would notice and I refused to put her through anything more than she'd already endured.

Jesus, I knew the looks I was going to get from Carlisle and I knew I'd never hear the end of it, but at this point, I simply didn't care.

Thank God I wasn't in the same department as he was in the hospital. About a year ago, I'd been offered the position of Head of Internal Medicine, but I turned it down. I'd been practicing as an Obstetrician/Gynecologist for about four years, and couldn't imagine doing anything but delivering babies.

Contrary to popular belief, I wasn't a total fucking prick. I did actually have a heart...just not a whole heart.

There was something about seeing a newborn baby take its first breath that had a way of putting my bullshit problems into perspective.

Of course, Rose had a little bit of a problem with my decision to pass up on that offer. I could see her pupils take the shape of dollar signs when I told her about it.

Hell hath no fury like a gold-digger scorned.

This was who I'd considered spending the rest of my life with.

Considered -past tense- being the operative word there.

My parents despised her fake, manicured ass. The only reason they condescended to speak to her was so that they could have access to our child.

Our child...Kellan.

He was the only human on this planet that could come close to filling the void in my heart, after I singlehandedly destroyed my one chance at love.

The bitch manipulated me, using him as if he was some sort of pawn in her womb.

After she fucking boned an acquaintance of mine -who just happened to be in the process of a divorce with Bella's best friend- and then shamelessly lied to me about it, I told her it was over.

I was ready to move on, ready to rid myself of all women...completely...and die a lonely old man if I couldn't have Bella. That was my choice. That or become a home-wrecker myself by trying to get Bella back.

Huh, she probably would've slammed the door in my face anyway. Really, who the fuck did I think I was? She was a year into her marital bliss with Jake, after all.

Rose came to me a few weeks later and told me she was pregnant. "Guess what?" Were her exact words. "Seems you knocked me up, Edward Cullen; you're going to be a daddy."

I remember her smirking like the manipulative tart she was as she told me these words...although I could only focus on one.

Pregnant.

My God.

I remember how I felt my legs giving out, my head colliding with my heart once again. I didn't know what the fuck to do. She swore it was mine when I questioned her and tore into her about fucking some other guy. She swore, and begged me to stay with her. I had my doubts, of course. After all, he would have been conceived suspiciously close to the time she decided to turn the back seat of her car into a hotel room with Tyler.

Goddamn it.

I struggled with myself. My head and my heart were battling it out once again. I knew in my head it was the right thing to do, to stay with her, but my heart knew the truth. My head won the battle. I stayed, much to my mental detriment.

She was an evil bitch. Throwing Tyler in my face one minute, saying maybe she wasn't that sure it was mine and sending me into a fucking rage. I broke at least ten cell phones, thanks to the succubus, because she always pulled that shit on the phone with me. She was too afraid to spew that sort of acid to my face. Of course, when she'd see me again, she'd be apologetic and contrite...begging me to forgive her.

Of course, I would forgive her every time, because I was a masochistic motherfuckerand I felt- no, knew- I deserved it. After what I'd done to Bella, I would've invited the devil himself to come and torture me. Hindsight being twenty-twenty and shit, I think maybe that very scenario had, in fact, taken place.

I've heard that the Dark Prince disguises himself well. Perhaps he disguises himself in the form of a blonde bombshell, able to manipulate emotions with a blink of her deep, topaz eyes.

I was reminded of this when I would threaten to throw her out, and she'd respond with her own taunting threat that she would own my place; after she drained my bank account from the child support I would have to pay based on my physician's salary, all the while batting her ample eyelashes at me.

Sadistic bitch.

God, I missed Bella even more during that time in my life. I missed her beautiful smile, her huge blue oceanic eyes, full of nothing but love for me. Before I ruined everything, she had always looked at me with a combination of adoration and need.

Jesus, that look always got to me. I was putty in her hands with that look.

The want, the love, her...just all of it.

She had a way of looking at me that nearly made me explode, literally, and fall to my knees. A look like that would make me want to lose control and slam her up against the wall, which I couldn't necessarily say didn't happen on more than several occasions.

I missed her supple, ivory skin. I missed her fucking beautiful chestnut waves of hair with subtle hints of red highlights that I just couldn't get enough of...always fisting in my hands with my nose buried in it.

Even the way she said my name was enough for me. All she had to do was just say it in casual conversation, and it always sent an electric shiver up and down my entire body. Not to mention the way she'd moan and call out my name in the throes of passion. As beautiful and delicate as she was, this girl could be an all out maniac in bed. She was unpredictable in the sheets and I got off on it. I never knew whether she was going to let me take her, or if she was going to dominate me; though I usually preferred the latter.

Jesus fuck!

I shook my head to erase those memories, to calm myself and my dick. It was, of course, reacting to that particular train of thought and I tried to focus my attention back to my son.

Kellan. When he finally came into this world, mine was changed forever.

It was obvious, based on Tyler's appearance in contrast with mine, that this child was definitely not his. This child was mine...at least I prayed he was mine because he was just the most beautiful little wrinkled screaming thing I'd ever seen and I knew the minute I saw him, that my life would never ever be the same again.

I was overwhelmed with emotion. I was a fucking doting motherfucker and I wasn't too proud to make it obvious in an absolutely unequivocal way.

This little man would have everything, and I mean everything he needed, wanted...you name it. Unhealthy? I was certain, but I didn't care in the slightest.

Unfortunately, his arrival didn't make me love his mother any more than I had, which was not at all. I respected her for what she went through, but again, we were talking about the manipulative Succubus. The one who thought that because she had given birth to my son, I would in turn reward her lavishly with everything her heart desired.

She was sorely mistaken.

Although, the self-proclaimed princess -princess succubus- didn't go without what most people would consider ridiculous and frivolous wants and desires. Workout to stay in shape? Oh no. Why do that when you can get a simple suck and tuck. This was the fucking shit I dealt with for the past, well, almost ten years now. I'd had just about enough of her bullshit and most of the time, just wished that she would disappear completely.

Manipulative, superficial, lying, cheating, fucking thorn in my side...

So I made another decision.

Bring on the fucking child support because I was unquestionably done with her. Try as she might to win me over, I could always see through her cunning and crafty charade. I was, of course, concerned about losing my son in the debacle that would come from what I'd decided to do. However, after thinking about it at length as well as talking it over with my parents, who were unconditionally supportive of my decision, I realized there was no other conclusion that would make as much sense as the one I was resolved to make. There was no way she could keep my son from me. Paternity had been confirmed, Carlisle and Esme had seen to that, and she had no job. She needed to cooperate with me. She needed to let go and she would be made to know this, or unfortunately for her, she would've had a very rude awakening.

I wasn't a monster. I would take care of her as much as I could from a distance. She was, after all, the mother of my beautiful son; if there was nothing else good to come out of our correlation, I could at least say that we created an amazing little person. Nothing else mattered to me at the time. If it would help her take care of him when he wasn't with me, I would help take care of her.

So I grew a brand new set of steel balls, stood my ground and two months ago, I told the bitch I wanted her to move out. Not Kellan, just her.

I knew it would be an epic battle in the beginning. She turned into what I had expected she would reveal eventually, once I told her it was over. She snarled and spat; she called me every name in the book. She dug deep and hit below the belt, telling me what a loser I was. She tried to pull the paternity card, saying he really wasn't mine, and then shut the fuck up when I pulled out the results of the paternity test. She even used Bella against me; threw her name in my face, and told me how I could never keep a woman that loved me. That hurt like a motherfucker. I almost lost my cool and broke the cardinal rule of manhood by hitting a fucking female in that instant, however, I held myself together.

The fact was I knew Rosalie didn't really love me. Deep down, I knew all along what kind of person she was, and what she was after. This was all brought to the forefront when she sang a completely different tune after I bought her a fucking beautiful brownstone close to the city, as well as paid off her sexy red fuck-Tyler-in-the-backseat-mobile. Yes, her complaining completely stopped after that, and she was as happy as a fucking clam.

Imagine that...all this time of pain and suffering, only to realize that all I had to do was throw a wad of cash in her direction. I should've known.

We now shared equal custody of Kellan, but I still paid her child support. It was about him not her. I looked at it like this: I paid my son child support. I did not pay his gold-digging mother a penny. I was not her sugar daddy any longer. I would never be again and she fully understood that. For the most part, she didn't have much to worry about. Oh, but she was forced to get a job, as she so dramatically put it. Ironically, the job she got was at BCBG, her favorite clothing store. I was always amazed when she actually had a positive amount on her paycheck considering what she normally owed the store for her shopping sprees. I wasn't accusing her of not purchasing needed items for our son, but the majority of his clothing, shoes, etc. were purchased by me.

At least, I was intelligent enough to talk her into putting three-fourths of the child support in a trust fund for Kellan, which couldn't be touched without consent from both of us.

She was a manipulative girl, yes, but also easily beguiled.

After that, I'd never been happier. I had all the time in the world to spend with my boy. He was with me most the time, and when he wasn't, it killed me to have him at his mother's. Rosalie and I got along easily enough, but for Kellan's sake and Kellan's sake only. Otherwise, I didn't want to see her. I didn't want to talk to her, unless of course it involved our son, and I certainly didn't want to fuck her, like she tried to get me to do each time she called in the middle of the night.

Needless to say, I did not answer those calls. They went straight to motherfucking voicemail. The voicemails were subsequently deleted because I literally could no longer stomach the thought of it.

Rosalie was almost inhumanly gorgeous. However, having said that, the looks did not make up for the years of her torment, ignorance, and simply put the downright poison I had endured from her. Regardless of what she wanted or begged for from me, Rosalie Hale and I would never...ever be connected in that way again.

On the flip side, I was in pure bliss with Kellan. I'd never had a younger sibling; never gotten to watch anyone just grow before my eyes.

Of course, until recently, I had to watch him grow alongside Rose, but I tuned her out most of the time. I would be playing with him along with whatever toy was his obsession at the time, and would suddenly hear Rose yelling at me from a few feet away.

"Do you ever listen to me?" She would ask with a pout on her face. I honestly tried not to be a colossal asshole, so when she realized that a guilt-trip worked; she used it to her advantage. She would describe to me what material thing I could get her to make it up to her. I did it, to try to make her happy...for a while. However, I liked to think that I was a fairly bright individual, which was why I caught on to her performance rather quickly, and that bullshit stopped immediately.

I remember a conversation we had in the distant past one evening when the baby was asleep. It was about her need for a tummy tuck, about a year after Kellan was born. I vehemently told her not to do it. She didn't need it, first of all, and secondly, I was just barely starting to practice medicine as an M.D. So it wasn't like we were rolling in mounds of cash. She basically handled it in the manner of a two-year-old who had gotten their candy taken away, and she threw a tantrum.

"I don't need your goddamned permission, Edward. I'm a grown up! If I want to get a tummy-tuck..." I'd been sitting on the couch, listening to her torrent, as she pointed her finger at me, then placed it on my forehead and shoved my head backward at that moment. "I'll fucking do it!" It pissed me off, yes, but I kept my cool...until she grabbed me by the jaw and twisted my head in the direction of Kellan's room, pointing with her other hand. "Remember that kid in there? You'll do whatever the fuck I want, or else I'll drain you. You'll be paying so much child support, you won't even be able to fucking eat!"

I snapped in that instant and lunged off the sofa at her, my hand in a tight fist and my arm cocked back. She gasped and stumbled backward, falling over the coffee table as I growled and hissed, slamming my fist into the table multiple times. My chest was heaving as I regained control of myself, and the succubus returned. I could scare the bitch, but only for seconds at a time. "Jesus, Edward." She rolled her eyes. "Get a grip, huh? I'd hate to have to have you arrested for domestic abuse tonight."

As she walked off laughing, I remember screaming at her as I rubbed my throbbing hand. "Hey, can you get a new personality along with your tummy tuck? You FUCKING EVIL BITCH!"

I swear if I had a dollar for every time I called Rosalie an evil bitch, I would own the city of Chicago.

However, things were different now without her constantly around. These last two months had been paradise. I actually felt happy. Although, I'd been feeling something strange inside me, as if I knew deep in my soul that I was missing something, I had been nothing but focused on Kellan and work.

Happiness.

That was such an interesting word to me, happiness. Was it a state of mind? Was it a feeling...and who knew if they were ever really happy? Maybe when you had found something or someone you couldn't fathom being away from for more than a couple seconds...someone who's very existence determined whether you lived life to the fullest or whether you existed in a lifeless shell.

This was the way I felt about my son, but I knew that I'd felt this way one other time in my life.

A long time ago.

A lifetime ago, it seemed.

I threw Bella a sidelong glance briefly, and then returned my eyes to the road ahead. If I was going to get through this night I had to focus. Focus on the life I had now. And if I truly thought about it, I suppose I could've said with confidence that since I told the succubus to leave, in my present life, I really had never been happier.

XXXX

Chapter End Notes:

A/N: Ok, people…get your 'review' on!

Once again, Rosalie always the peach. I can't wait for you guys to actually meet Kellan for real…that will be later on! Okay, up next one more Epov chapter for a bit, and some fun banter between the guys. *sigh* I love writing Emmett. Lots of language, I must warn you.

Ok, go review!

Reviewers get to punch Rosalie in the face, then tongue-kiss Docward in front of her. You guys think I'm kidding about that. I'm not. XD Oh, and I wanna see her face when you do it.