Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.
Ryuuzaki broke down the moment we made it to his room. I thought watching Matt cry had hurt, but it was nothing, nothing, compared to watching Ryuuzaki cry.
He had walked in calmly, closed the door behind him, and I had kept walking. When the chain resisted, I had stopped and turned in time to see him stumble back against the door, all his weight against it, and cover his mouth and nose with both hands.
His shoulders and head came forward, his eyes squeezed shut, and he started to shake.
My mouth dropped open. I immediately hurried over to him, nearly tripping over our bags, which were mysteriously here. Once I got to him, though, I didn't know what to do. Could I hug him? Were we on hugging terms? Would a person even want to be touched in this situation?
That was a stupid question.
I grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him off the wall and into me, wrapping my arms around him and holding him hard. His thin arms came around my midsection, clinging to me like he'd fall off the world if he didn't, his face in my neck. I tilted my head to rest on top of his. There was nothing I could say, so I didn't bother.
Ryuuzaki didn't sob. Instead, tears leaked silently from his eyes, the silence interrupted only occasionally by a shaky inhale. He leaned heavily on me- if I were to let go, he'd have fallen on his face. He must have thought I wouldn't let go.
I wouldn't.
...the blur was approaching the notebook now, slowing down...
"Ryuuzaki," I whispered, but I didn't know how to finish, so I just ran my fingers through his hair, stroking his head. It seemed to calm him, if only slightly, because after a few moments he was able to raise his eyes.
He looked as if he hadn't been crying at all, except for the streaks on his skin. His eyes weren't red, his face wasn't scrunched up.
L was even in control when he broke.
I smiled sadly at him and gestured to his bed with an incline of my chin. He nodded and I let go so he could walk.
It was a double bed, so when Ryuuzaki plopped down on top of the covers, I laid next to him, on my back. I rolled my head on 'my' pillow to look at him. He looked back at me and I immediately fell into those liquid charcoal eyes. He wanted to talk. I didn't know about what, but I was willing to take a shot.
"Is this the room you grew up in?" I asked kindly.
"Yes. They retain it for me because I often return to visit," he mumbled.
I let my eyes wander a minute, taking this place in.
It looked just like Matt and Mello's room, which looked mostly like the hallway, but it had hints of very distinctive L-ness. For example, there was a desk with office supplies and paper strewn everywhere, the pens still not grouped by color. I couldn't imagine how he could have grown up in such chaos, but it made me smile all the same. It had a no-nonsense feeling about it, although it wasn't unwelcoming. There was also a little bowl on the desk, filled with the assorted candy that came in huge bags around Halloween. I noticed there was no chocolate.
"Do you not like chocolate?"
He frowned for a second, trying to figure out where I had gotten such a question from. I watched as understanding clicked into his features. He hadn't even looked around to see what I was looking at. That was the thing about L. Well, one of the many. Understanding never 'dawned' on him, it happened with a snap. Intelligence as sharp as his cuts like a knife, it doesn't 'bloom.'
"I do, but I prefer other sweets. Mello has a fixation on chocolate that borders on addiction. He probably picked out all the chocolate for himself and left behind some hard candy or something of that nature."
"Is it really a good idea for a kid to each that much chocolate?"
Ryuuzaki almost smiled. "It's better than trying to take the chocolate away from him."
I laughed softly.
There was a moment of silence.
I couldn't keep gazing into his eyes like this. Something would happen, and that wouldn't do. He was fascinating on the average day- imagine having to deal with him when he was also feeling.
"Matt is taking this pretty hard," I observed quietly after a while. It was an obvious statement- just a means of making conversation. Luckily L knew this and didn't give me a 'that's obvious, Light-kun' look.
He nodded. "Matt... cares very much for Mello."
"A person doesn't cry like that over a person they 'care very much' for," I told him gently. My hand twitched with the desire to wipe the tear tracks from his face but I forced it to stay still. Obey! It did. I was pleased.
"Very well," Ryuuzaki conceded. "Matt loves Mello very much. They grew up together here, and they have always been close friends, but it has been clear for some time that Matt's feelings are stronger than that."
"And Mello?"
"Only he knows how he feels about Matt," L said, and a small smile appeared on his face for a brief moment before disappearing again. "Although they are so close that it probably does not matter anymore. You rarely see one without the other. That's why Matt has been reduced to the state at which you saw him. He is normally a quiet, calm, distant person. Friendly enough, and very gentle, but distant. Except with Mello. When he is with Mello, he comes alive. Mello brings him to life, and, in return, he calms the small blond tsunami that is Mello. It is easy to forget Matt's true nature, when he is always with Mello."
I thought about it for a moment. I tried to picture this 'Mello' person. The only things I knew were 'small' and 'blond,' so it probably wasn't accurate at all, but I could see a cocky, chocolate-covered grin, a loudmouth who probably always wore bright colors to stand out. That, or lots and lots of black. "That sounds like love to me," I said after a minute.
"What?" he asked, a little too quickly.
"The mutual exchange, the inability to function properly when fearing for the other person," I elaborated. "The fact that he barely mentioned the other child- Near, right?- who is probably his friend. And the fact that a person you describe as 'quiet, calm, and distant' is willing to put up with someone you describe as a 'tsunami.'" I gave a half-shrug, which didn't really work because I was lying down. "People like that, when they're completely opposite... they often just tend to... work."
I don't think I blushed. I hoped that I didn't blush.
"Yes," he said ambiguously. Stupid cryptic Ryuuzaki! "That makes sense."
We lay in silence for a while.
"Ryuuzaki, may I tell you something? If you would prefer silence, I don't want to upset you."
"Light-kun, you could not possibly make me more upset than I already am at this moment. Speaking with you will be comforting."
I don't know when it happened, but we were both lying on our sides, now, facing each other. We were close. Much too close. And I wanted to kiss him, but I wasn't going to, no way, because he was a wreck and that would be taking advantage of him and... no! Wait! It was because that would be disgusting! Right. That was why.
"I noticed something on the way here," I started, watching him closely for any kind of a reaction. His face was, for the moment, blank. I still wanted to kiss him... No I didn't. "I noticed that you held yourself together very well, when I understand that, for you, this is probably the worst thing that could happen."
"Thank you, Light-kun," he croaked. His breath caught.
Dammit, I'd tipped it over.
His face broke and finally his control did too, and a sob escaped his lips even as he pressed them together to stop it. My Must Overanalyze Everything complex shut down and I went into autopilot: I instantly grabbed him and scooted right up next to him. He didn't seem to mind, and soon I felt hot tears on my chest soaking through my shirt as he pressed as close to me as he could get. I guess even Ryuuzaki's self-control has limits.
...The blur was leaning over, a hand going out for the notebook. No, no don't. Please don't...
I held him tightly, laying my cheek on his head again, breathing in his scent that was, ever-surprisingly, one of my favorites.
Somehow I managed to hear him when he spoke. "Light, I'm scared, and I don't know what to do."
"Don't be silly," I mumbled to him, my heart pounding at the lack of honorific after my name, so unusual for him. Not even last night (had that really been only last night? Wasn't that a million years ago?) had he used just my first name. He didn't respond. "Can you hear me?"
I felt him nod.
"Okay, then listen. I'll help you. Between the two of us, this is not even an issue. I understand why you're worried, and you get to be, it's okay, but you don't have to be. This is what we do: we figure things out. We're obscenely smart and we're an incredible team. We'll get them back, and Near will be fine and Mello will be fine and Mello and Matt will be so disgustingly happy that we'll immediately want to go back to Japan just to get away from it. This is going to work out, Ryuuzaki. They'll contact us soon with demands and then we'll manipulate the situation. It's what you do best, after all."
He dug in closer to me.
"Okay?"
"Yes, Light-kun," he said quietly.
"You understand?" I reprimanded him like a child.
"Yes."
"Alright."
He didn't sleep, but he also didn't move away: he let me hold him the entire time, talking occasionally. He didn't cry again.
Once he popped his head up and kissed me quickly on the lips before burying his face back into my chest. I was red for a good ten minutes after that (I was glad we'd never turned the lights on; he wouldn't be able to see me blush), and I barely registered the image of the blur, by now so familiar, picking up the notebook.
I didn't sleep either, and I never let go of him.
I didn't even brush my teeth that night.
"Clouds will rage and storms will race in,
But you will be safe in my arms.
Rains will pour down, waves will crash around,
But you will be safe in my arms.
Story books full of fairy tales of kings and queens and the bluest skies.
My heart is torn just in knowing you'll someday see the truth from lies.
Castles they might crumble, dreams may not come true,
But you are never all alone, because I will always,
Always love you."
-In My Arms, Plumb