"The innocence of what you are is what I want." — Foster the People, Miss You.

Me and Finnegan have our second day of training, which goes well. We stick to the survival skills this time round, as advised, and then later we try to pick up a bit of skill on a different weapon, other than my spear and Finnegan's knives.
During the weapons training I don't feel at peace with myself, unlike during survival skills training.
Training to kill is very different from training to keep yourself alive. Oh so much.

As soon as we get back to our floor the preparation for the Games doesn't stop, with Selene pestering us to watch the reapings again, then the 65th Games.
No matter how much I protest, she still insists, and I was reduced to pleading her to not make us watch it.
But she just snaps: 'Every single one of us victors are victors for a reason, Odair!'

So I begin to argue with her, questioning over and over again, 'Why Finnick's games, why no one else's?' to which Selene answers 'Once in the Capitol tributes are forbidden to watch any Games other than their own mentors'. And besides, you can learn a bit about how the Capitol will be running these Games, learn their tactics. The Capitol will be out to kill you in the arena as well, you do realise.'

I shake my head in defeat, burying my head in my hands, wishing Finnick were here to stop her. I knew he'd never let her replay his own Games anytime to any of his tributes, let alone his own cousin.
Finnegan wraps his arm around me as we watch.

But, thank heavens, Finnick arrives back from one of his 'trips out into the city' 10 minutes into the tape. A huge argument ensues between Finnick and Selene, so here I am now.
Sat in my room, alone.
Contemplating the parts of the tape we had watched.
Selene had only showed us up to the interviews the night before the Games actually began, as she thought we'd be able to pick up useful tips, and perhaps even pick out an angle to play to the Capitol crowd for our very own interviews. I already know what I'm going to play up in order to gain sponsors. It's obvious, isn't it? Finnick Odair's charming cousin. Selene did say I am good looking enough to pull that off, so I just shrugged.

I can still hear them shouting outside the door. I feel extremely weak as I think over how I absolutely refused to watch Finnick's games. I'm already losing it, aren't I? And I'm not even in the arena yet.

I tiptoe over to the door, scared I'll be heard, even though there really is no chance of that happening.

'How could you Selene?! She's my cousin, you know that! Do you want her to see me as even more of a monster?!' Finnick yells.

It might seem a bit strange, my point blank refusal to watch Finnick's Games, me even pleading not to watch them, and Finnick's anger at Selene.
I never watched Finnick's Games. I couldn't bring myself to. I know that the Hunger Games are required viewing across the districts, I was in the room whilst it was on, of course, but I busied myself, practicing my knots in the corner of the room, and not looking up once in fear of catching a glimpse of the screen. I relied on my family to keep me up to date with how Finnick was doing after we were allowed to leave.

'What makes you think that I even knew she hadn't seen them before?' Selene shouts back, and I can almost feel Finnick's fury through the door.

'Perhaps by the way she was pleading with you not to watch it? Honestly Selene!'

'Well,' Selene says slyly. 'Not everyone can be as perfect as you, Finnick Odair.'

'You and I both know I'm far from perfect, Selene,' is Finnick's reply.

Selene huffs and I can hear her footsteps trotting up the spiral stairs to her room.

Finnick lets out an aggravated sigh and falls back into a chair. I open my door and head to Finnegan's room. I wonder if he heard all this.

'Dee,' I hear Finnick's voice say, and I turn to him.

'I'm so sorry Selene was going to make you watch my Games, that was just...' He can't seem to find the words.

'It's not your fault,' I say quickly. 'I didn't see anything, anyway.'

Finnick stands up and opens his arms. 'Come here,' he says.

We stand there hugging for a couple of minutes, until we separate. 'If Selene ever does anything like that again, I'll murder her,' says Finnick with a faint smile. 'I'm not going to have my little cousin doing anything ridiculous.'

This makes me smile, despite the deliberate antagonistic comment from Finnick. 'I'm only a year younger than you, Finnick.'

'You're still younger than me, and don't you forget it,' he says and laughs.

I feel as though I'm back at home for a few minutes. Finnick's salty sea smell tricks my brain into believing it's home. The casual banter between us reminds us of the words we used to exchange on our little boat whilst we were out at sea.

And the worst feeling ever is when I realise we're not at home, and I probably never will be.

'As if you'll let me forget it,' I laugh gently.

I completely brush off the idea of going to see Finnegan now, I can do that after dinner.
It's nice to be able to have a conversation with my cousin without any disruptions.

But there is at least one thing I want to know before I die.

'Where do you go?' I ask him.

'Go?' he asks, a confused expression upon his face.

'When you're here, in the Capitol. Like yesterday, when you were out.'

'I do business,' Finnick replies vaguely.

I pull out the nickname trick. 'Finn, do you mean mentor business?'

'In a way.'

I'm getting a bit annoyed now. 'Stop being so vague, Finn!'

'What do you want me to tell you?'

'The answer to my question.'

I have quite a few questions to ask Finnick, actually, but this one has been playing on my mind the most. Other questions which taint my mind are: 'Why doesn't Finnick want me to watch his Games so much? Is it for my sake or his own?' and 'Do Finnick and Selene hate each other?'

Finnick is silent for a minute before speaking. 'I can't tell you.'

'Why not?'

'You'll hate me. You'll be disgusted by me.'

What could be that bad? If he was worried about me knowing about him and his times with the Capitol citizens, he needn't worry, I already know.

'Finnick, for a moment, forget I'm family and think of me as just a close friend,' is what I say. Maybe it's just because we're related thay he doesn't want to admit.

'Are you sure you wish to know?'

'Positive.'

Finnick sighs, tilting his head from side to side slowly. 'I suppose it's about time you knew anyway. It'll explain a lot.'

Then he leads me up to the roof, where our voices should be covered by the wind away from any unwelcome ears, but not so much we wouldn't be able to hear each other.

And then he tells me everything. Accompanied by a glance over his shoulder every few sentences, checking for trespassers on this horrendous secret. But there are already so many, aren't there, I think to myself.

Finnick tells me exactly why he goes away from District 4 every few weeks.
Exactly what goes on during those trips.
How he's been exploited by President Snow, used to Snow's advantage for politics, or just to gain himself favours.
And to think that all this time I thought Finnick believed he owed himself to the Capitol? How wrong I was.

Of course Finnick wouldn't see it like that.
Inside he is just as angry as I am at the Capitol for their sadistic Games.

The Games which tear families apart.

The Games which cause chaos in many lives every year.

'I'm so sorry,' is all I can say. 'I'm so so sorry.'

'It's Snow,' Finnick growls. 'One day us districts will rise up, together. Rebel.'

'You can't say that,' I look around us quickly with paranoia. No matter Finnick's status in society, a death could be arranged, I'm sure.

It wasn't unheard of.
Someone would speak out against the Capitol in public, either in hopes of inciting a rebellion, or just venting their anger.
Sooner or later they'd either be dead, or a family member of theirs found dead.
A way to silence those who dared even think of rebelling.

And these deaths were all Snow's doing, no doubt.

'It could happen, Absidee. You can't ignore that fact. Everyone has enough anger inside, now we just need someone to lead us.'

'Finnick,' I say. 'It could happen, I know. But I won't be living to see it.'

'Not this again,' Finnick says. 'Will I need your district partner to talk some sense into you?'

'No,' I say bluntly. 'I want Finnegan to live, you know that.'

'I know and respect that. But you have more than a small chance of winning, Dee. Why do you want to protect Finnegan so much anyway?' Finnick asks with his head cocked to one side.

I've lost track of the answer I was so certain of myself. But in a way I don't want to live. Living means being a mentor. Being a mentor means watching at least one of your kids die every year. Living means pain.
It's a selfish reason really.
But I know there are is a positive side to life, and Finnegan deserves to see that.
Finnegan, who calmed me as I cried on my bed.
Finnegan, who held me as we began to watch Finnick's Games, which was my own personal torture, I'm sure.
Finnegan, whose full name is Finnegan Maximilian Goldsmith.
Finnegan, whose birthday is the 22nd of October.
Finnegan, who has an elder sister named Tammy.
Finnegan, who deserves to live for all these reasons.

Sure, I have many things to live for, but do I deserve them? Not as much as Finnegan, no doubt.
I'll strike a deal with him. You protect my family when you get home, and I'll protect you.

'Well,' I say to Finnick. 'If I get home, I'll live a sad life. But I know Finnegan won't. I hope he won't. I'd dwell on the Games, he wouldn't.'

Finnick opens his mouth to speak, but I quickly add: 'And anyway, who deserves life so much more than I do?'

The answer to this question goes unspoken, but everyone knows.