There Will Be No Divorce Chapter 10
"From the entrance to the exit
Is longer than it looks from where we stand
I want to say I'm sorry for things I haven't done yet
Things will shortly get completely out of hand."
"Old College Try", The Mountain Goats
Cuddy was dimly aware that she was still sitting in the passenger seat of Wilson's car. The building in front of her was definitely the hospital. Wilson was pacing back and forth across her line of vision, his agitation evident as he muttered into his phone.
She was able to breathe in and out, but each act took much more effort than usual. She felt cold, clammy and oddly stiff; she wasn't sure she could move even if she ordered her limbs to. Years of medical training were scrambling around for a problem to fix, neurons firing off as fast as they ever had, spurred on by the excess of adrenalin in her system.
So much pent-up energy, so much knowledge and capability - all of it completely useless.
She didn't know how long she'd been zoned out when the car door opened, but the chilly breeze brought her back to reality in a painful instant. Reaching instinctively to release the seatbelt, she was stopped by cold fingers on hers.
"Dr. Cuddy, are you okay? Wilson called me down here, he was worried you might be hysterical."
She'd been expecting House; hell, she had been practically begging for House, and instead she was faced with Cameron. Though relations between them had been a little less frosty since Cameron had moved to the ER, it was by no means a friendly relationship. But in her panic, in her sudden need for someone else to take over for a while, Cuddy simply nodded and accepted the comforting hand on hers.
"I'll be fine Dr. Cameron. I just had a bad morning."
Cuddy attempted to smile at her colleague, but the muscles of her face refused to cooperate. Cameron was crouching in by the open door, her pink scrubs immaculate despite the fact that Cuddy knew she was covering early morning shifts that week. Even her messy ponytail looked somehow smart and intentional, leaving Cuddy feeling awkward and frumpy on top of everything else.
"Is it… and I really don't want to pry… but does it have something to do with the baby?
It was the last thing she felt like discussing right now, and this person was the least likely one she'd want to talk to about it. It took every remaining scrap of control for Cuddy to keep her voice even.
"I don't know what House has told you in your secret little Vicodin- exchange, but that's none of your business."
Cameron stiffened at Cuddy's vicious tone.
"He didn't tell me anything. In fact, he tried to keep it secret, even though it's becoming quite obvious," she said as matter-of-factly as possible.
Too tired to fight, Cuddy sighed in resignation. House wasn't her problem right now. She had much bigger problems, and had to somehow make it to her office without breaking down again. Even as she contemplated it, another sob rose up in her throat.
Surrendering to the sadness and panic that engulfed her, Cuddy was oddly comforted to feel Cameron's hand rubbing soothing circles on the top of her back. Then her seatbelt was clicked open and the younger woman leaned awkwardly into the passenger seat to offer a hug. Feeling that the day couldn't really get much more surreal, Cuddy gratefully accepted it, the gentle pressure on her upper body calming her a little.
When the latest wave of helplessness subsided, Cuddy wriggled slightly to tell Cameron it was time to set her free. On shaking legs, she made her ungainly exit from the car, no longer too proud to accept the steadying arm that was offered. Wilson approached, phone still glued to his ear, but Cameron waved him away as the two women made slow but steady progress towards the staff entrance.
Ignoring the curious glances, Cameron warded off all potential interference with the death glare that resembled something to Cuddy's own. Safe in the Dean's office at last, Cameron helped her boss to the nearest sofa before pulling the blinds closed. As the last cord dropped back into place, an agitated House came bursting through the door, his limp almost unnoticeable in his haste.
"Where the hell were you? I've been trying to call you for 20 minutes and your car isn't here."
He paced, every movement rippling with agitation, eyes never leaving Cuddy's semi-prone form.
"House, back off. She's not having a good day, and you ranting like an overprotective ass isn't going to help anything."
Cameron stepped up to him, unafraid to get in his face these days.
"Thanks, Blondie, but you can get back to stitching up battered wives now. Time for the grown-ups to have a little chat."
Cuddy regarded him balefully from the sofa, no fight forthcoming from her, temporary loyalty to Cameron dispersed in the face of wanting to get this conversation with House over and done with.
Conceding gracefully, Cameron left with a parting glance of sympathy for Cuddy, who had no doubt that Cameron's first step would be to seek out Wilson and attempt to eke out more information. When the click of the door closing signalled that they were alone, Cuddy leaned forward and opened her palms to House in a gesture of peace. She didn't have the strength to start on the offensive.
Seeing her so meek seemed to take the wind from his sails, and he slumped into the seat next to her and waited for her to speak. Caught off guard by his sudden patience, she stumbled a little.
"There's something I need to…Well, we need to talk about something. I just can't find the words."
"How about rhabdomyoma? Seems like a good place to start."
Her hands had clenched into fists in anticipation. She raised her left hand to her mouth, teeth making contact with fingers in a shaky but ultimately successful bid to stem the fresh tide of tears.
"How could you possibly know already?"
He shrugged, twirling his cane around outstretched fingers like some gangly teenager proud of mastering the skill. The swishing noise it made in the claustrophobic air sounded like a knife slashing ineffectually at the tension between them. Watching the rhythmic process, Cuddy allowed her logic processes to kick in for the first time in a couple of hours.
"Either you bribed the technician, or you've done something highly illegal with your computer. Again."
"Whether I found out or you told me, the facts are pretty much the same. When's the fetal echo?"
Cuddy almost felt like smirking at regaining the upper hand, albeit temporarily.
"I had it right after the ultrasound. Seems your information is a little out of date."
Deflated at the memory of its revelations, Cuddy reached for the crumpled pages she'd recovered from the car and thrust them across the limited space between them, leaving House to fumble as he gathered them up. When the pages were collected, she watched him read, his usual appearance of devouring every word strangely absent. He held the pages at arm's length, wincing as he regarded the images and the doctor's typical lousy handwriting.
The information finally digested, he turned the ferocity of his stare back on her.
"You took Cameron with you for this?"
Confused, Cuddy shook her head.
"Wilson."
The familiar expression of House worrying at the bone of a missing detail appeared.
"He let you find this out and just dumped you on Cameron?"
Cuddy sighed at the diversion, Wilson's actions furthest from her mind. House was clearly stalling for time as his brain filtered the test results.
"I didn't tell him. He guessed something was up when I started gushing like a geyser. Though, to be fair, he thought that was a reaction to his proposal at first."
On a better day, she'd have enjoyed the violent double-take that her revelation had just provoked from House. At least the verbal cut and thrust of discussion with him was giving her something to focus on, something to keep her sane.
"Before you get your teeth into that, how about you share your thoughts on our little bombshell?"
It had come out much calmer than she thought herself capable of just then, but Cuddy forced herself to keep breathing evenly. This wouldn't be real until House had looked at it, until he'd told her whether he agreed or the staff at the clinic were incompetent morons unworthy of delivering his prodigious spawn. It made her feel ill at realizing how she desperately clinging to something that might prove everything wrong.
He leaned forward in the overstuffed chair that had been intended to make her office seem homely and welcoming. With House in it, the chair seemed superficial, almost ridiculous. Making a steeple with his elegant fingers, he addressed her softly, more hesitant than she could ever remember him being.
"It's the ventricular wall that's screwing Junior."
If she'd been standing, Cuddy's knees would have just given out.
"Fetal cardiac tumors aren't always the end of the world, even an administrator could probably work that out. But this looks like it's part of the ventricular muscle itself. The aorta is millimeters away from being completely compromised. It's kind of a miracle that any blood is getting through at all right now."
It wasn't news;, it was simply the bluntest version of what she'd already been told and surmised. The tumor would only grow as the fetus did, and although it was almost certainly benign, the risk was that blood supply to the heart would be fatally compromised before she could carry it to term. The child she had wanted so desperately would almost certainly not survive, and now she had to decide
In a sudden surge of panic, she propelled herself from the soft cushions, pacing aimlessly around the table. She'd paced this office a thousand times worrying about House, or waiting desperately for an update on a patient. It calmed her, even as she felt unsteady on her feet.
Eventually her disjointed circuit of the room took her past House and his hand shot out to encircle her wrist with surprising tenderness. The contact of warm skin against her own made her cry out softly, and at his unspoken invitation, she lowered herself into his lap.
He held her awkwardly at first, the fluency of their sexual compatibility so often failed to translate into the easier intimacies. House was definitely not a hugger, but bless him, he was trying. It felt unspeakably better to be in his arms again, as though the preceding two weeks of lonely bitching had been a lifetime. She wasn't forgiving him, but damn it, right now she needed him.
House stroked her back gently as they both waited for the tears to come. Cuddy had already cried more today than she had in the past year, and it showed no signs of stopping. Absent-mindedly, his other hand cupped her cheek, thumb stroking the tears away as they fell.
He buried his face in her hair, warm breath beautifully ticklish on her neck. When she eventually turned to kiss him, against her better judgement, she was stunned to see the tracks of moisture trailing from his eyes to the edges of his stubble.
"Why are you sad? I thought you didn't want this. I thought you'd be relieved."
The questions came out as more of an interrogation than she had intended, and House's expression hardened as he digested the words.
"I'd gotten used to the idea. And as much as I hate you sometimes, I don't actually enjoy seeing you devastated."
She accepted that, taking his rugged face in her hands, fingers splayed across the noble planes.
"I'm going to have to make an appointment, once the cardiologist confirms."
House nodded, having already skipped a few steps ahead as usual.
"D&E isn't pleasant. Need someone to hold your hand?"
It should have been taken as an uncharacteristically kind offer, and Cuddy knew it. But her damn independent streak reared up at the prospect of needing anyone, most likely a reaction to a day of feeling broken and needy. She still wasn't ready to even contemplate the reality of a termination, much less accept help to get through it.
"No. You don't have to feel obligated. I'll deal with it."
House opened his mouth to press the point, but apparently thought better of it. The moment of reconciliation faded as her hands fell away from his face. Aware of the renewed distance between them, Cuddy shoved herself from his lap back on to the safety of the sofa.
The clouds had rolled back in, House looking as dark and distant as ever. She searched frantically for something to say, anything to heal the rift between them. As she fumbled over her thoughts, he exhaled loudly and stood to leave.
"House?"
He hesitated by the door, not turning back to her.
"Yeah?"
"I'll, uh, I'll let you know when everything is done."
"Yeah."
With two brisk steps, he was out the door and gone.
Cuddy stayed frozen where she sat, not a single tear left for the moment that hurt the most.