Disclaimer: I do not own NGE or any of the works of Rainier Maria Rilke.
Chapter 10
Blind Men and Buffalo Wings
A cool breeze passed through the Sakura trees. The one thing that all of Japan rejoiced in was that the cherry blossoms remained unfettered by the ecological disaster that met their world. Rei Ayanami pensively sat under these blessed petals in a typical kneeling position. None of the petals touched her as if they were keeping their distance from the ethereal beauty. She sat calmly, feet tucked beneath thighs as if in prostration.
Shinji had proven to be unpredictable again. No statistic or algorithm could begin to describe how or why he reacted to everything. It was maddening and disappointing. Rei wanted to be closer to him now. To try and possess that unquantifiable element of chaos in him. The scenario would continue as long as that insanity was contained.
She didn't know why the sight of all the blossoms coming loose to meet and leave again irritated her. The sheer transience of it just ate at Rei. This was exacerbated by the roiling heat in Rei's chest ever since she killed Ran. Dissonance rampaged through Rei's mind, body, and…soul? Was that what she had now? Or did she have it all along, but simply neglected it to becoming the withered flower it was now? Cherry blossoms withered all the time and they were still worshipped. For what reason?
Why should they?
They were only flimsy pieces of cellulose.
Asuka was planted in front of the TV, her head in her hands. She watched in utter rapture. It was just a run of the mill drama, but to Asuka, it represented everything that could be right with life. It was predictable. And it always had a happy or life affirming ending. Nothing at all like reality.
A hung doll.
Asuka shook her head to rid herself of these painful memories. She swore to herself that she'd never tell anybody about that. Hatred, adoration, anger, and lust were things that Asuka could handle, but pity…that would be unbearable. What would be worse was if Shinji pitied her. Thought less of her. Why she cared about the opinion of a boy that she insulted and mocked at every turn she didn't know. All she knew was that she did. And that because of this it was killing her a little more every day that she ignored him.
Asuka glanced at the clock. This was around the time that Shinji left for work. Lately it had been growing harder and harder for Asuka not to talk to Shinji. He had long since abandoned any attempts at communication with either her or Misato. Not out of despair it seemed, but like he was too distracted by more important things. Since when was anything more important than the greatest EVA pilot? A girl as hot as Asuka Langley Soryu?
Shinji strode out of his room and to the door. Asuka thought to hell with orders, she opened her mouth to say good bye. To try and let Shinji know that at least one girl in his life still gave a damn about him. But it was too late. He left.
"Damn it. That verdammt boy!" That verdammt girl. Which girl Asuka was referring to, even she didn't know. "Ah well. Ooh, TV!"
Two hours passed and it was 8 pm. Asuka was still watching TV. Her homework had been laughably easy (considering her time in college), so she had nothing else to do that night until the phone rang. Asuka was surprised. She wasn't expecting any phone calls.
"Hello?" She asked into the receiver.
"Asuka? It's Shinji."
"All right. Time to call it a day. We're going to the bar," declared Kawahara, wiping his hands of the motor grease. "Who's going to be watching the kid this time?"
All the men in the shop turned to look at Shinji who was still patiently working on a car. They raised a collective eyebrow and most of them could only imagine Shinji in a real jailbait scenario.
"I'm paying."
The last two words sent all of them scrambling for the locker rooms. When a man offered to pay for a group's drink, the only honorable thing to do would be to milk it for all it was worth. It's just bad manners if you don't.
"Um…Mr. Kawahara, I'm not so sure about this…every time I go, there's always somebody creepy."
"Well, you've had some more success. Only three women and a creepy old man went for you last time. I'd call that a win in my book."
"Yeah, but those women were like twice my age…and that old man said some weird stuff."
"Gee. What a pain it is having hot older women throw themselves at you. Such a curse you must bear," Kawahara deadpanned. "As for the old man, I'm sure you could've taken him."
Shinji just grumbled under his breath and mourned the loss of his ear's virginity. Just as he was about to tell Kawahara exactly what he thought of his assessment, a memory floated to the surface of his mind. It was about Asuka of all people. She once demanded that when he went to a bar again that she come along. Initially Shinji thought it was about preventing girls from being "corrupted" by him but now…he wasn't quite so sure about that anymore.
"Mr. Kawahara…" Shinji started.
"Hm?"
"Can I bring Asuka along for this one?"
"You mean that redheaded one with an attitude?"
Shinji nodded.
"…sure. She might keep those 'creepy' people away."
Shinji didn't bother pointing out his real reasons. He'd tell that for later. He pulled out his cell phone. Each ring as he waited was like it was punctuating his heartbeat as it rapidly sped up.
"Hello?"
"Asuka? It's Shinji."
"Shinji! What are you doing calling?"
"Um…remember when you asked to go with me to a bar the next time I go out?"
"Yeah…"
"So…uh, I am going to a bar tonight…and I thought…"
"That you could get me drunk and take advantage of me?"
"No!" Shinji yelled indignantly.
"Just joking." Asuka actually sounded cordial. "I'll drop by your work in twenty."
"O-okay…Asuka, I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For being so selfish that time…"
"That time? Just one? Well, you should especially since it took so long for you to say it, but…I forgive you."
"And thank you…for being there on that day."
"Is this really appropriate pre-drinking talk?"
"I-I don't think we're going to be allowed to-"
Asuka hung up.
"Drink," Shinji finished. He sighed and reluctantly slid his phone into his pocket.
Back in Misato's apartment, Asuka smiled and whispered, "Baka."
She was about to apologize to him and he went around and took her burden. He may be oblivious to a lot of things, but this was something that she was thankful that he was ignorant of…at least for now. Now, what to wear?
Mist fills Gendo's field of vision. His breathing never changes. This is the hell he now lives in. Never seeing, never hearing. Only existing…alone. Nothing but him exists in this realm. A brightly lit hawk always beckons to him in the distance. It is sacrilege. It is salvation. It is all he has. The mist is thick and binding and only becomes more restrictive as he inches closer and closer. The mist is so tight that he can barely breathe. A sharp pain in his hand.
He glances at his right hand.
It is falling to pieces.
Irrelevant. The hawk is getting farther and farther ahead.
So close now. He can feel the heat from the light. It is scalding, but so close!
A scream! That can't be. Nothing exists here. Only himself and the hawk.
He must not turn away! The hawk must be captured!
The scream intensifies. Gendo clenches his teeth. What was it? Why did this tug at his heart? NO! He had to focus. He had gone too far to give up now.
But the scream! There was no ignoring it. Against his best wishes, Gendo turned to the source of the sound and recoiled.
An infant albatross is born.
"Bzzzz!"
Harsh light shone directly on the Commander of NERV. He woke up with a jerk as he took stock of his surroundings. A room empty of all personal impression was all he saw. No pictures or possession to hint at the possibility that a real human being lived there. He began every day the same way he did for the last decade and wept with all fury and sadness mustered. It was the only way he could exhaust his emotional core to do what was necessary. On a deeper level, Gendo knew it was the only way to convince him that he deserved to be redeemed for all his sins.
The phone rang.
"Sir. We need you in the Geofront immediately. An angel is approaching."
Gendo took a moment to regain composure before he answered. "I'll be there in 20 minutes."
The phone clicked to signal that contact ended. Gendo sighed in relief. Work would take his mind off things. With each angel, he was growing closer and closer to completing his scenario.
A scream.
Gendo's neck snapped to look. Nothing. Dismissing the scream as a figment of his imagination, Gendo got dressed, but more cautiously than he did before.
Ritsuko Akagi drummed her fingers on the desk, eyes trained intently on the computer screen. She huffed and glanced at her watch. 2:30 am. It was too damn late for this kind of work. Especially for that doll. Ritsuko then glanced at the unearthly girl in liquid suspension and growled in frustration, knowing that she couldn't hear in the tube. Why did she have to wait hand and foot for this copy?
"You bitch. What makes you so special? You're disposable. I'm not. He can't replace me. So why does he care more about you? You're a copy. A fake!"
Ritsuko's hand hovered over the controls of the tank. She could raise the LCL pressure to lethal levels. It could be chalked up to machine error and what did it matter? Rei was expendable. There were a dozen bodies waiting to replace her.
But no. Ritsuko sighed in disappointment. Unfortunately the man she loved was a genius on human psychology. He would know in an instant that she killed his precious photograph. However, Ritsuko took solace in the fact that Rei was only a photograph of the woman he loved, while she was real and present. That was all that mattered. Reality was something bitter and inescapable, but it worked in Ritsuko's favor due to those very traits. Gendo couldn't escape her.
"It's been 45 minutes, kid. All the guys have already gone ahead and knowing them, I'll probably have to mortgage this shop to cover their tab. Hope that girlfriend comes soon."
"She's not-screw it. You're never going to listen."
"I listen. I only listen for the truth. Whatever you say about the girl, I can only hear about a tenth of what you actually say."
"Couldn't it be that you have selective hearing?"
"What? I didn't hear you."
Shinji rolled his eyes and turned his back on him to look out the window for any sign of Asuka. Kawahara smiled. The kid had come a long way from the depressed, nervous wreck he was when he first met him. But the rare smile didn't last long. The constant reminder of Shinji's role in the world was an albatross slung across Kawahara's neck and if he was guessing right, Shinji would have a few of his own albatrosses to bear soon enough…if he didn't already.
"Who are you looking for?"
Shinji jumped in surprise, but Kawahara heard her footsteps a minute ago and decided to play it cool to get a laugh from the wide eyed look on Shinji's face.
"A-Asuka! Please don't sneak up on me like that!"
Asuka laughed. It was a rich throaty laugh that hinted at the woman that Asuka would soon become.
"We going to drink or not?"
"First, eat this." Kawahara proffered a basket of biscuits out of nowhere.
Where did he pull that from?
"I'm…not hungry though. And why should we eat this, right Shinji?"
She turned to Shinji for support only to catch him in mid-bite of his second biscuit.
"Umm…" Shinji mumbled through a mouthful of bread.
"…Never mind," Asuka muttered.
"I have no doubts that you'll be able to sneak some alcohol despite any attempts to forbid you. You're a hormone riddled teenager after all. The bread will absorb the alcohol. This way I can keep an eye on you and avoid having to drag your stumbling, dribbling drunk ass home." Kawahara leveled a gaze that demanded obedience.
As strong willed as Asuka was, she was helpless against that relentless gaze. It was the first time she actually experienced anything remotely close to effective parental discipline in years.
"Rrrg!" Asuka quickly grabbed a biscuit and viciously bit into it.
"You worried about your figure or something?"
Asuka just glared and kept gnawing at her bread. It was then that Shinji noticed what Asuka was wearing. She was in a conservative red dress that matched her hair and brought out her eyes with just a little cleavage to tantalize, but not enough to be bold. She looked ready for a date.
Not a girlfriend, right... Kawahara thought, observing Shinji's none too discreet eying of Asuka.
Rei flicked to the next page. Her posture was rigid and firm as she sat in her hard metal chair. She was used to being alone, but recently a sense of loneliness seeped in her regular mood. Shinji stopped attending the Friday meetings. He told her very politely and apologized profusely. His explanation was that he loved spending time with her, but his training with his boss left no time for any frivolity on a Friday. Rei could tell he was honest to the core about his apologies. She spent a lot of time watching people and quickly learned all the clinical signs of emotions and behavior. Rei experienced the world out of step with everyone else and had to understand the symptoms of emotion to function because she herself didn't express them as normally as everybody else. The concept of a facial expression was easy to connect to a specific emotion, but acting it out was hard for Rei. The only thing she learned to express was to smile and that was from Shinji. A feeling welled up from the depths of her heart. It was excruciating, having it in her. She didn't think what she was feeling was appropriate for a smile though.
But…the emotion she was feeling was howling for releasing. She clenched her book tightly. The demand for relief was unbearable now. Rei was prepared to take any attempt at letting this emotion out, so she smiled with all her might for any release. She smiled so hard that her cheeks ached, but she still kept it up because throughout it there was a little relief. Rei basked in this tiny measure of relief, but…it wasn't enough. Physically emoting was now proven to help, but…she only knew one way to do so and it just wasn't enough for what she was feeling now. If Shinji were here…but he wasn't.
Rei held her arms and did what she could with the little warmth that the slender limbs offered. Now more than ever, she wanted to reconnect with Shinji and forget her guilt. However, the smile was still firmly in place despite its strained image. Rei didn't want to relinquish the relief she felt, but also she didn't want to give up the one important gift that Shinji gave her those months ago.
"Shinji…" she breathed and closed her eyes. As she fell asleep, her smile never slipped, but it became softer and more natural.
"Hey Mr. Kawahara! Who's the cutie? A little young for you, don't you think?" called a fellow garage dweller.
"Don't you have some tranny to feel up?" Kawahara shot back flatly.
"One time! That was only one time! And in my defense, she was primped and beautiful a-and"
"And still had an Adam's apple," Shinji finished drolly before Kawahara did. "We were there remember? But I suppose we were surprised too…well maybe not quite as surprised as you were…"
Shinji broke off; barely able to hold back from snickering, but the rest of the garage dwellers didn't bother. They laughed their asses off. The employee blushed and sputtered for a good response, but gave into the moment, seeing no other option other than just admitting that it really was funny. Asuka was too surprised to laugh. Since when did Shinji make jokes? Before he just brooded all the time and could hardly stutter a comeback, let alone a good one, but now…
"Shinji? Have you gone with these guys to this bar often?"
"Yeah. Every week or so, we go out here and grab some dinner and hang out. Kensuke and Toji have come occasionally too. Kawahara only lets them get away with only one drink though."
"Why? I mean why does he let kids drink?"
"Well, he never lets them get drunk if that's what you're asking. He always forces Kensuke and Toji to do the bread thing like what we did, but…I think it's because he understands."
"Understands what?" If it wasn't for the cracked voice, Asuka could have sworn that Shinji sounded wise right there.
"That…we're not kids anymore. We haven't been since second impact. Our childhood can't exist for the sake of the world. Why do you think that we didn't have to pay for our school trip?"
Asuka looked at Shinji, a little puzzled. She never really thought about how nobody had to pay for the trip to Okinawa. It was a little embarrassing to Asuka for a college graduate and child genius like her to have never analyzed the situation. But the oddest thing about it was that she didn't mind missing it. By now she realized that Shinji wasn't the type to judge and if she had to be frank, his was one of the few opinions that she respected, so it felt all right to be wrong or miss something he caught.
"The government is well aware of the fact that they're relying on children to fight. Not just us, but the rest of them. They're going to have to support the adult's mistakes and excesses for the rest of their lives."
"You mean to say that a group of the most powerful, affluent men in the world just decided to open their coffers for a bunch of kids out of guilt?"
"Well…no. They do it because they're well aware that we children are taking over for them and it wouldn't do any good for them to displease us. Especially since the pilots are part of that group."
The penny dropped for Asuka. Pilots were undisputedly the most valuable political bargaining chip in the world. Because of their work to protect the entire world, the power and respect that they commanded in the world was near inexhaustible. Psychologically, the pilots would typically identify with their age group and find little sympathy for the current adults in power if they mistreated them. Add into the fact that the organization they worked for, NERV, had all of the world's military power at its beck and call, and you had a bona fide powerhouse to rival any superpower on your hands.
"This isn't a time to be discussing serious matters." Kawahara had somehow slipped right behind the two without making a sound. "You may not be children anymore, but that doesn't mean that you're not entitled to have fun in your life."
"I guess."
"Get some dinner. Relax. And take the lady to a movie. She looks like she needs to decompress. You too. I'm paying tonight." Kawahara ordered before running off to do damage control on the rest of the crew.
Asuka and Shinji glanced at each other and just as quickly looked away.
"Um…this place has some pretty good buffalo wings…" Shinji said timidly, rubbing the back of his head. "I-I mean y-you don't have to. You might be watching your figure. Not that you need to! I just meant-what I wanted to-I'll shut up now."
Asuka smiled. Shinji really hadn't changed had he? Sure he was a little wiser about the world, but at the heart of it he was still the same awkward neurotic that she met on Over the Rainbow. Asuka was strangely simultaneously disappointed and relieved.
"Good idea," Asuka said before grabbing his arm and dragging him to a table. She swiftly grabbed a menu. Shinji followed suit and browsed through the selection, but wasn't really paying attention to it. To be honest, if Shinji really had to describe the entire experience of it, it felt like a date.
"S-so..." Shinji searched for a conversation topic. "Have you seen any good shows?"
Shinji really wasn't interested in the soaps that Asuka watched and she knew it. Despite herself, she appreciated his attempt.
"Yeah! I just saw this new one before coming here. By far it's the best one I've seen."
"What's it about?" Shinji said interested in what made Asuka tick.
"Well, it starts off like pretty conventionally. Guy meets girl in unexpected way. Guy falls for girl. Turns out there are obstacles before getting girl and then the girl falls for the guy now. But guy has someone else going for him and jealousy ensues. Standard stuff right?" Shinji nodded his agreement. He spent enough time with Asuka's dramas to notice that typical pattern.
"The twist here is that she is a mafia princess and he is an ordinary salaryman. And the girl the mafia princess has to compete against is the man's adopted sister. However, the man doesn't know that she isn't really his sister, so he becomes incredibly creeped out and self loathing when he thinks about his 'sister' like that. The mafia princess is too ethical to try and play on that however. The show progresses on how she struggles to not spill the beans out of consideration for his feelings despite the fact that if she did, he would be easy pickings for her to take. There is also the fact that she is the daughter of a mob boss and the guy is really straight laced, so there are some serious problems there."
"Wow. Sounds like a complex plot."
"That's just the general outline, but the show is great," Asuka gushed.
Shinji smiled cheerfully and took a sip of his drink (coke, not alcohol). Asuka reciprocated, but realized that she was the only one actively talking.
"Shinji, what do you like to watch?"
Shinji almost choked mid-sip. Often, he never watched television. Asuka usually commandeered the TV before he did. "Uh, I don't watch TV that much."
"What do you watch when you do then?"
"Um, I guess detective shows." Asuka wrinkled her nose. "Sounds boring."
"I like them," Shinji said quietly.
A pang of guilt struck Asuka. "S-so, why do you like them then?"
"They're realistic."
"You call murder and crime an accurate representation of reality?"
Shinji looked at her critically over his mug. "Not really, but I think it's a main and important part of growing up."
"Killing somebody?"
"No. Pain," said Shinji with bitter finality.
Of all the answers that Asuka expected, this one was completely unprecedented.
"Why? I mean it's something we spend our entire lives avoiding.""Exactly. We end up defining our lives by it…which…I think at least, isn't really a bad thing."
"What do you mean?"
"It's natural, I guess. Like death…" Shinji hesitated, but took a chance on the possibility that Asuka knew how he felt. "When mother died…I can only remember scraps of what happened and mostly after her death. I learned from it."
Asuka was fascinated. He never talked about his family aside from his obvious father issues. "What did you learn?"
"The person you end up having to rely on most is yourself…because there usually isn't anybody else." His father's lone figure walking away was the image burned in Shinji's mind.
"That's stupid. Don't get all depressed and mopey on me!" Asuka said in a tone that left no quarter for self deprecation. "When my mom died, I-"
She stopped short. Revealing her family's past was something she avoided at all costs, so why did she feel open enough and even wanted to tell Shinji?
Shinji understood. Talking about family was always painful for him, so it made sense that Asuka would share in that too. They were only human after all. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."
"No. No, it's all right. Doesn't matter if you know. I've moved on." She said, trying to convince herself that she was every inch the adult that she told Kaji she was.
"Okay." There was little else that Shinji could say. This was a major first for him.
Asuka had a tight grip on her glass. "Mom worked on the EVA just like yours…and I lost her to it too. I always wanted to do her proud, you know? She'd always hug me and hand me a lollipop or something when I got a good grade or did something smart or athletic. I may have been a kid and too young to understand back then that she just wanted to get that perfect daughter…it was just the German way, you know. Perfection must be striven for and for mom I had to be that perfection and I never wanted to disappoint her. I was so happy though. When I was a kid and she was still married to my dad, we used to go out for steak every Friday. It was the only time when we could all get together as a family. The restaurant we went to was some fancy and formal, but with mom and dad there, it didn't feel that way. Dad always mocked the uptight people around us and Mom just shook her head in exasperation, but I knew she loved it deep down. I always laughed and helped him with his impressions…The last time we went, she had to go to a mental hospital. Dad and me wanted one last reminder of normality before she had to go…but mom…mom tried to stab Dad with the cutlery. It was then that we both realized that she died in all the ways that mattered."
Asuka's voice cracked on the last word. Shinji didn't know what to do. He'd never had to console someone on the verge of tears, so he did as he saw people do on TV. He stayed silent and held her hand, not knowing that it was an act of intimacy that exceeded their current relationship. Asuka was aware of this though and moved her hand away.
"I…watched her wither away. She…she had a doll and thought it was me. And you know what was pathetic, I even felt jealous of the doll. A stupid, cheap, shoddily made doll had the affection that I should have been getting. A-and, my ever faithful father wasn't even there throughout it all. He was too busy banging mom's doctor. Bastard," Asuka muttered bitterly. "I don't blame him though. He was lonely and it took a stronger man than him to watch someone he loved suffer like that. Instead I blame that bitch. She shouldn't have taken advantage of a patient or for that matter a grieving man.
"I'm sorry, Asuka," Shinji said honestly. There were a lot of unresolved issues in his past, but compared to Asuka's, he might as well have led a cheerful childhood on Sesame Street.
Asuka smiled. It was a small one that barely strained her facial muscles, but Shinji was irresistibly reminded of Rei's smile after the defeat of the third Angel. It told Shinji that it was a smile that came from the deepest well of Asuka's heart. What that told Shinji about Asuka, he didn't know. All he knew at that moment was that Asuka had finally been honest with him and that was all that mattered right then and there. "Thanks…but we should stop bitching about family life now. This is a night of fun, right?"
"Y-yeah. So did you want the buffalo wings?" Shinji asked innocently, attempting to comply with the mandate of changing the subject.
"I thought I was trying to watch my figure?" Asuka shot back teasingly. Shinji smiled shyly back at her.
The moment of innocence was ruined by the sounds of alarms. Angel alarms.
Misato had a grim expression as the pilots stared at the screen expectantly.
"The Angel is in low earth orbit, so we cannot attack it with our usual weapons. Before all satellite imagery went haywire from the Angel's presence, we caught this image."
A blurry photograph came on the screen. It appeared to have wings and was made of pure white light, but even from an image, the Angel emanated menace and power.
"At this moment, we will be launching Units 01 and 02 with A type equipment. Rei will be on standby. While we may have not anticipated it this soon, we have prepared you for combat in low earth orbit. We will be arming you with conventional weapons to attack the core, but we will also arm you two with an N^2 mine. Or more correctly, several mines in a RPG."
"So is there any real strategy to fighting this thing?" Asuka asked skeptically.
"I'm afraid not. There simply is not enough intel to launch a fully informed offense and not enough time to gather it. The Magi estimate the Angel's arrival to be in 8 hours. Good luck Shinji. Asuka. We'll be ready to pull you at a moment's notice. The A type equipment has a remote control where our personnel in the Geofront can direct you back if you fall unconscious."
Shinji didn't feel much dread at the concept. He was too used to being on his own on the field. The only thing he did fear at the moment was dying. Too many times Shinji felt his own mortality and against beings with insurmountable power to top it off.
Shigeru studied at the readout from the preliminary scans of the Angel. There was absolutely nothing of value. He glanced at Maya and Makoto to find his own desperate expression reflected on their faces. They all sighed in unison.
"Dammit! This is completely unprecedented. We usually have something tangible and solid to fight, but this, this is nothing. What makes it worse is that it's in LEO and we've never had to conduct combat there."
Maya just shook her head. "It's no different from the other times. It's just a new terrain. These kids were trained from childhood with the exception of Shinji. Even then considering his track record, he probably didn't need it much."
"Maybe, but the terrain does matter. It's a fundamental factor in a war. This is something people have learned time and again in Russia or Italy or Vietnam. And that was when we were fighting against ourselves. This is a whole new enemy who thinks in entirely different ways than us with powers beyond our comprehension. If anything, terrain is one of the biggest advantages we're supposed to have since we've had years of conflict to prep for each frontier," Makoto pointed out. "Yet here we are, at a complete loss"
"Still doesn't make us feel much better though," Shigeru said despondently.
"It's not supposed to." A new voice entered the forum. The bridge bunnies turned around and saw the Commander.
"Sir!" The trio said in unison and saluted.
"War is hell. General William Sherman said that a century and a half ago. First Lieutenant Hyuga is correct in his assessment of our situation. We are closer to the brink of annihilation than we have ever been before. However, we can only take solace in the fact that we have done all we could to prepare for this, barring any prescience over how every Angel will attack. It will be enough because it has to. In the end, battle is all about our flexibility and ability to adapt. You have been recruited because you were not only at the top of your respective fields, but also for the ability to react to any change."
The three nodded to acknowledge the praise, but still felt tense.
"Be ready, dummkopf." Asuka gripped her controls. She was just about to launch.
Shinji didn't reply. There was an ominous feel to the approach. It was worse than any other attack he's had to deal with. The ascent to low earth orbit was fast and very shaky. He went first to launch because Asuka's equipment malfunctioned due to a bad subroutine.
"Visual contact established. You are 30,000 kilometers and closing."
The distance did nothing to allay Shinji's worries. If anything, it worsened them because the Angel was simply massive even at that distance. He was in forward position and was the first to feel its approaching attack, a vast blinding light.
Memories mercilessly flashed to forefront of Shinji's mind and he felt an unbearable pressure inside his skull. His thoughts were jumbled and fractured, but he had no control or way to relieve this. If he had to describe it, Shinji imagined that this would be how it felt if he went insane. A scream was in his ears. It took him a second to realize it was his own voice.
"Shinji!" Asuka barked. "What's going on?"
"Stay away, Asuka! Do not launch!" Shinji shouted with all coherent thought mustered.
"The hell with that!" Asuka fingered her controls for the equipment.
"Misato! Increase the plug pressure and knock Asuka out! Don't let her go up!"
Despite her reservations and concern for Shinji, Misato complied. Asuka didn't have a chance to swear before she was rendered unconscious.
"All right, Shinji. What is going on?"
Shinji was in agony. The Angel was relentless. Its light didn't just penetrate Shinji's armored protector. It went into his very soul. Memories forcefully bubbled to the surface of Shinji's mind.
Oh my. Such sad recollections. Are all humans so pathetic?
What was that? Shinji searched around in his cockpit for another person, praying that it wasn't whom he thought it was.
All prayers are answered by the one true God, my father Adam. I am an Angel, dear boy. And I assure you that you are very dear to Us.
"…What?" Shinji grunted. The memories still fled through Shinji's mind, presenting every pain he had in his life, both physical and emotional.
"Shinji. What's happening? Give me a sitrep." Misato demanded.
You are the very embodiment of our destiny. Our great enemy sheathed in perverted flesh.
"I-I don't understand."
"What don't you understand? Shinji, answer me!" Misato barked. Something was wrong. He was talking to himself.
"I think…the angel is talking to me," Shinji answered unsteadily.
"Shinji, if that's true, do not let contact get any further!" Misato ordered. She motioned for Ritsuko to send Shinji back. He was clearly in no condition to fight against this.
"No go! The controls aren't responding! The Angel's light appears create RF interference!"
"Fuck!" Misato swore. Shinji's vitals were approaching dangerously high levels.
My, lilim are very slow aren't they?
"Shut up!" Shinji keened. "Get out of my head!"
"Shinji! Calm down! Head for the lift!"
Unfortunately Shinji couldn't hear her. He was trapped in a fugue state with only a dim awareness of what was happening. He continued screaming. "Stop it! I'll kill you!"
And what they lack in wit, they make up for in meaningless wrath. Calm down, oh Great Enemy. Allow me to clarify. We Angels have a purpose. Which is to liberate our glorious Father who was so mistakenly cast upon this purgatory of meaningless aberrations you so-called children of Lilith. And you vindicate our attempts to retrieve him. By acting as our enemy, you make our inevitable victory all that much worthwhile. The pain only contrasts to make our unification shine brighter. A flower is the most beautiful when in the midst of death.
What do you mean by unification? Shinji breathed heavily. Memories were unwillingly flung to the surface of his mind. Each one was another sharp pinprick into his heart.
You'll find out soon enough, but let us focus on another topic. I'm ashamed to say it, but I have become enamored with humanity. I have stayed above and observed your race for a considerable length of time and learned a great deal. However, I understand very little of it. For instance I don't understand why you cling to a traumatic and disgusting past. Second Impact as you call it is merely testament to humanity's vanity and yet you teach it to every school child with absolute impunity when forgetting all your losses would be much more satisfactory. It only brings pain. There is no sense in holding onto your pain, assuming of course you lilim are not masochistic.
…We don't cling to the past. We try to forget…Shinji vehemently denied in his agony.
Are you referring to your father?
Shinji was taken aback. How did this thing know that?
I'm inside you. It won't be long until you are a part of me. Your father is much like mine, I suppose. I also know nothing of His plans. You and I are brothers in a sense. We are both lonely and only given purpose. Never finding on our own.
We are nothing alike!
Shinji looked despondent as he craned his neck to see out the car window. Mother was gone and now Father was so quiet and sad looking.
"Father, where are we going?"
It was only when they did arrive that he replied. "Your uncle and aunt's. You're going to stay there for a while."
"Wh-what? Why?" Shinji looked stricken.
Father gritted his teeth and avoided eye contact. "I – the world- your mother wanted-but"
Shinji's face was upturned and silently begging for an answer. The thing was that Gendo had none.
Words failed him. It was when they arrived at the porch and rang the doorbell that he spoke again. "I have no use for you."
Shinji started sobbing and begged for Father to come back, but only saw his back. In his pain, Shinji didn't notice a glint of water reflecting off the side of Father's cheek.
Aren't we? My only purpose is to serve my father Adam and yours as you have defined is EVA, which is merely an extension of your father…and your mother.
That's…not true.
In the dark room, Mother looked grim as her face was illuminated by the pale light of the computer screen. Shinji looked lonely as she ignored him to focus on her work. Turning to play by himself, he felt a weight on his shoulder. It was Father.
'Your mother has a lot of work to do, son. Humanity is depending on her. How about I play with you?'
Shinji felt elated at first, but one part of his Father's speech caught his attention. Humanity? What about him?
"NO! I want mom! I don't want her to go to anybody else!"
Father looked shocked and angry at first. However, it gave way to another emotion. He kept holding Shinji's shoulder and a sad, sympathetic smile crossed his face.
"So do I, son. So do I."
You deny that your father is leader of the 'Evangelions' and that your mother created them for the sole purpose of combating us Angels? No, even humans are not that self delusional. So why are you denying your purpose?
I-I Shinji rubbed his sleepy eyes. The engine just needed to have its oil change and he would be off work. Soon training would start after though. It was only a few days ago when he started learning how to fight against opponents with weapons. Kawahara used a sheathed knife, while Shinji used nothing but his hands. Despite the blade being covered, it still hurt as though he were really cutting him.
"You ever think about the future?" The worker on the next car was talking to his fellow employee on the car.
"Not really. What's up?"
"I…was thinking about proposing." The man coughed and focused intensely on his screwdriver.
"That's great, man! When are you doing it? We need to plan the bachelor party!"
"Calm down! I haven't done it yet and…I'm not sure I ever will."
Despite Shinji's aversion to gossip, he was intrigued and leaned ever so slightly to hear.
"What? Why not?"
"I just feel…obligated to do it."
"That's a reason against proposing? I'm sorry man, but that is bullshit."
"No it's not! If it's something forced, then what meaning does it have?"
"Fuck meaning! You love her right?"
"Yeah, but-"
"And she feels the same right?"
"I think so, but what I'm saying is-" He was cut off again.
"What's the big problem then?"
"The problem is that I don't want to enter a commitment because I was forced to!"
Shinji silently concurred with the sentiment.
"Forced by what? The only one who has any say in what you do is you." A new voice. It was Kawahara's. "Don't feel pressured into asking the girl. If you don't want to, don't."
"Preach it brother!"
Kawahara glared warningly.
"I'll shut up now."
"Yeah, but if I do, I'll always know. And a small part of me will always twinge at it and maybe grow bitter. I don't want her or any kids of mine to suffer."
Kawahara gave an exasperated sigh. "And if you don't, you'll likely regret it for the rest of your life. That's your choice right?"
The man nodded.
"No it's not. Because the choice doesn't exist for you. You're a good enough man to know that it would be wrong of you to just break up with her because of this. You're going to marry her. But not because you were obligated to. No outside pressure can force you to spend the rest of your life with only one person. No. That's absolute bullshit. You just want to set it up so that whatever troubles happen in the proposal, you can blame it on society or fate or whatever shit other than yourself. Can't do that. Have to be a grown up and take whatever responsibility there is. Because then…you get the right to pursue what you want in return."
The man worked silently, churning over what Kawahara was saying. Kawahara, for his part, went back to looking over the finances for the month.
"Okay. I'll propose."
A rare grin broke out on Kawahara's lined face. "Don't tell me. Tell the poor girl who's going to marry you!"
Are you going to answer me or are you going to continue wallowing in your memories?
Shut up! Shinji forced the Angel as far as he could from his thoughts. It was still there, but he could only faintly hear it like a badly tuned radio. The mental effort caused Shinji to shake uncontrollably and sweat poured from every pore of his body. I hate this. I never wanted to look back…but…I have to take responsibility. This Angel is now my responsibility and I have to stop it. I decided to become NERV's weapon. I chose to fight. I'll suffer and I'll scream. But at least this Angel will die and scream with me…If I live, then I get to choose what I want then. I earn the right to get what I want. The thing is…what do I want?
"Shinji…what do you want?" Asuka asked moodily.
"Huh?" Shinji blinked as his eyes readjusted to focus on Asuka. The book in his hands was a manual for motorcycle repair.
"Out of life, I mean. We're not going to be pilots forever. Someday the Angels will be all beat…or we'll all be dead, but that won't happen as long as you've got the best EVA pilot there ever was next to you!"
Shinji didn't know how to reply. "I never gave it much thought. I'm only fourteen."
"That's no excuse."
"I…don't look at the future because…every time we go out there, we might not have a future then. And I don't want to be disappointed anymore. There's no point in having expectations if they're never going to be met."
"Gee Shinji, you sure know how to cheer a girl up." Asuka rolled her eyes and poked Shinji's chest. "All right, suppose we do survive, which we will, what then? What do you think you'll do?"
Shinji shrugged and considered the question. "I guess…I don't want anything. My aunt and uncle were Buddhists, so I was never really taught to want anything. I never had a reason to. Desire leads to pain in a never ending cycle until we stop wanting."
"That's crap. What we want and don't want are the things that define us. They make us human. Without them, what are we then?"
"Better people," Shinji answered shortly.
"What is wrong with you, dummkopf! You honestly don't want anything in your life? You can't just reject the world like that!"
"I'm not rejecting the world!"
"Then why don't you want anything? Aren't you a person?"
Shinji stayed silent. He didn't have an answer to the question. Often he felt like he wasn't a person. A person would be able to want something. A person would cry at a funeral. At this point he wasn't even sure if he deserved to cry.
"Shinji! Are you listening to me?"
"Huh?"
"You went catatonic there for awhile. You all right?"
"Yeah," Shinji replied halfheartedly, faking a smile.
Asuka wasn't convinced, but decided not to voice her disbelief.
"Do you know what you want?" Shinji asked.
"That's easy. I want to be world famous."
"You already are," Shinji pointed out.
"As a pilot. I've realized something…EVA is all that I've defined myself by. And…that's not enough anymore. I got to thinking about after it all. I mean the EVAs are too powerful to be left to any single nation and producing them in mass quantity is financially infeasible. In all likelihood, the EVAs we pilot right now are going to be mothballed and dismantled. I want a life after that. And it really wouldn't do for someone as talented and beautiful as me to fade into obscurity. So I want to start out in some TV shows. A couple guest spots on popular dramas or hosting a televised event. And then I'll get a contract to have my own show, probably as some talk show host or something. From there I'll enter movies and modeling."
Somehow Shinji wasn't in the least bit surprised at her aspirations. Asuka was never the type of person who was comfortable to just lounge. She always had to be doing something. He said with utter honesty, "I'm sure you could do it."
"Of course I could do it!" Asuka grumbled irritably, but she avoided eye contact in a very coy manner. However, Shinji didn't take much notice. "But it annoys the hell out of me that you haven't considered the future. I guess it just goes to show that you're typical Shinji as ever. No personality or will behind anything."
Do I have no will? Is this the reason why I can't force the Angel out?
Dear boy, I grow impatient. Answer me now. How are we different from one another? Self delusions aside, I doubt we differ at all in our very cores.
Shinji refused to listen. He had to find will. The alternative of staying in this purgatory of tormenting memories was unacceptable.
"What I want," Shinji breathed, pushing all other interferences in his mind.
Mother smiled.
"What I want" He repeated longingly.
Father ruffled his hair affectionately.
A tear crawled down Shinji's cheek in the LCL. "What I want"
In Central Dogma, the display above the technician's heads revealed a synch score of 45.9 percent for Pilot Shinji Ikari.
A silhouette left as a young, grief stricken Shinji looked up, tears running down his cheeks.
More tears. Shinji's lower lip quivered. A weak repetition. "What I want."
39.56 percent. Maya gasped in shock as her fellow bridge mates were watching in dumbfounded silence. The synch score was plummeting. It couldn't possibly happen without their controls unless the pilot was losing connection and the only way that would happen is if he was losing consciousness.
Rei looked up in quiet serenity and offered a soft smile at his behest. The acrid scent from melted polymer on his plug suit filled his nostrils, but he didn't mind at that moment. Rei was smiling. A rare event that was worth any amount of pain or nausea.
"What I want…" Shinji sounded wistful.
28.4 percent. Ritsuko stared in disbelief at what was happening. Were they going to lose their most valuable weapon at hand?
Misato grinned and leaned forward, expecting that he'd blush and resist looking down her cleavage. However, he only saw her scar.
"What I want" A snarl slowly formed at Shinji's lips.
16.18 percent. Misato wrung her hands nervously. Her charge couldn't die here at the hands of a monster like the one floating above them.
Asuka pouted cutely and pointed her finger at him, demanding that he apologize. Shinji stuttered as he did so, only to realize that she was joking.
"What I want is" His eyes narrowed in righteous fury.
3.31 percent. Gendo's hands trembled in repressed tension. His scenario could not fail here. Shinji was much too important.
Kawahara gave a slight nod of approval at Shinji's work.
"What I want is for you to FUCKING DIE!"
The display in Central Dogma at last read:
0 synch ratio/Pilot Shinji Ikari
Shinji roared in inconsolable rage. Unit-01 had no choice but to do the same. It was only a puppet now. The Angel roared as well, but in a higher and more pained pitch. It was bleeding. It was bleeding! Impossible!
"Maya! What is going on!" Ritsuko demanded. Shinji's synch ratio was zero! How could he move the EVA! Much as the crew hated it, they all fully expected the boy to lose control of Unit 01 and fall at the hands of the Angel.
Shinji looked up and the puppet followed suit. A massive gaping hole formed in the center of the impossible creature and it was getting larger.
"We are nothing alike!" Shinji whispered fiercely, his voice hoarse from his screaming.
The Angel only spared one last barb. You're right. I could never possess such glorious cruelty as it exists in you…I only wish I could see how it will be used. Kehehe.
He clenched his teeth so hard that a molar was near cracking. The Angel screamed one last time as it was obliterated into nonexistence, but to Shinji, that scream sounded like hysterical laughter.
"What the hell just happened, sir?"
Gendo Ikari only stared impassively at the screen. A 0 synch score and the EVA could still move? What did this mean? An Evangelion could only move with a pilot matching in tandem with the soul occupying it. So if Shinji could pilot without needing to synch, was a soul even necessary? And if that was true, then was Yui's sacrifice in vain? She knew perfectly well that she would never be able to come back out. However, if she didn't even need to leave and break Gendo's life and what was left of his tenuous grip on humanity without even telling him, then what was it all for? In a rare display of emotion, Gendo choked back a whimper and disguised it with a cough. If any of it was true, then he became a monster for nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Shinji finally got out of the shower. The LCL still felt disgusting around him. It was until he reached for his towel to dry off that he noticed that he was still shaking. Gritting his teeth, Shinji focused on his left hand and only his left hand. His fingers stopped trembling. Every other part of him was still jittering, but his hand was still as a stone.
He was too preoccupied to notice Rei as he walked out of the locker room. She tried to walk up to him and try to strike a conversation, but the boy's pace was larger than hers and she lost him around the corner. For a moment, she considered running and catching up to him, but it didn't seem viable. He was too far ahead of her in more ways than one. Why was he so ahead? More importantly, how could she catch up? It shouldn't have bothered her, but it did. Rei was plagued with feelings of guilt and remorse ever since that day. Every time she closed her eyes, the sounds of Shinji weeping and the harried attempts at revival. No matter how much Rei tried to ignore it, the shame kept flooding her. Murdering that girl was just a step in completing the scenario right? Everything she did was justified in the end because…it was for the commander, right?
Maybe. Maybe not. What the Third does in free time is irrelevant to the scenario as long as he continues to pilot. Which he has not faltered to do as of late. The little voice preached at her.
That is not true. Rei vehemently denied. An edge of desperation entered her reply.
Then explain to me then why it would make you so emotional if it was something that did not go against what few scruples that you do have?
I-I-I
Exactly. We killed that girl because of something else entirely. And it is consuming you inside. However…if you discovered precisely what that something else is, it may sustain you through your guilt.
…What is my true reason then? Rei finally admitted to herself that in hindsight, the girl did not need to die. The scenario had nothing to do with her act.
How would I know? I am you…but you are not me. What I can tell you is that there is hope in our frazzled mind. By having that something else, we are no longer expendable.
Why? Rei was puzzled. She was always expendable in the grand scheme of things. Another copy of her always existed for her soul to be transferred.
We once defined your purpose by the Commander's scenario, but now there is purpose we have defined on our own. We seek to exist beyond Third Impact now which is exemplified by our attempts to tie Shinji to ourselves. We seek a connection to him because we are lonely. Mere existence is beyond the scenario now. Without realizing it, we have claimed authority over our soul. Therefore we have deemed our purpose to supersede the authority of the Commander's scenario as the Commander once held our soul for his sole purpose. Now our purpose instills a sense of a value and self worth especially to the end or object of the purpose. We have value to ourselves…and Shinji. We must protect our existence with impunity. This is the right of all sentient life to protect itself. I reiterate: we are no longer expendable.
Rei couldn't refute the point on self preservation. It made sense. I…have worth.
Ritsuko's fingers frantically danced on the keyboard. What was going on? The synch score was not possible! There was no way that an absolute 0 synch score could exist. Usually, there was at least even one billionth of a percent for synch, but there was nothing and with their top pilot to boot. Yui Ikari's soul had to synch with her precious son's soul. It was inconceivable unless…
A smirk slowly crept onto Ritsuko's face as the revelation seeped in. She lit a cigarette and leaned back in her office chair; the nicotine tasting sweeter than ever. Gendo was getting closer and closer to her hands. For once, she was the one in a place of power and it was wonderful.
Gendo paced alone in his office. His breathing was heavy and ragged. With a roar, Gendo swept the papers off his desk and started rifling through his drawers. There had to be some clue in the scrolls or in any of the data files to tell him that all his work was for something. For there to be actual meaning and reason to it all and not the vast abyss of nothing that he saw at his feet. A book caught his eye. Poetry. Yui gave it to him on his birthday. She always said he needed more art and culture in his life. He never touched it. How did it make its way to his desk? Gendo curiously flicked to a page. It was a Rilke poem. Almost unwillingly, Gendo read it.
I am blind, you outsiders. It is a curse,
a contradiction, a tiresome farce,
and every day I despair.
I put my hand on the arm of my wife
(colorless hand on colorless sleeve)
and she walks me through empty air.
You push and shove and think that you've been
sounding different from stone against stone,
but you are mistaken: I alone
live and suffer and howl.
In me there is an endless outcry
and I can't tell what's crying, whether its my
broken heart or my bowels.
Are the tunes familiar? You don't sing them like this:
how could you understand?
Each morning the sunlight comes into your house,
and you welcome it as a friend.
And you know what it's like to see face-to-face;
and that tempts you to be kind.
A shiver jangled down his spine. The scream was quiet now.
At the ending line, a shiver traveled down Gendo's own spine much like the man in the poem. A sense of foreboding and terror permeated his soul. Everything felt out of phase for him. However, despite his feelings, the seeds of a revelation were planted deep in his mind. Gendo deeply related to the blindman's plight, but also feared the message imbedded in it. Forgetting his original intent, Gendo reached for a bottle of bourbon in another drawer. He took shot after shot until the bottle was at least only half full. He sagged on his desk, hands in hair.
"Yui…why did you leave me? Why did you let me become this? I'm so full of sin and evil. It's killing me. Godhood is in my grasp and I hate it. The things I've done to get here…and now…I find that it could all have been unnecessary. That what I've become never, never-"
At this point, Gendo wept openly until he passed out on his desk in that desolate, cold office. The very place that represented all his darkness of soul and sin now bore witness to the monster's tears and seemed emptier for it.
"Oh you're so muscular! Do you work out?" The working girl batted her eyelashes and pressed her ample cleavage against the man's standard issue Section 2 suit. The technobeat was deafening, but the sexual undertones were not lost on him.
"Well, you know. Gotta be fit to help save the world," said the agent, his cheeks blushing both from the liquor and the intimate contact. The club was full of disorienting, flashing lights and pounding music. Completing the scene of iniquity and earthly desires was the roving gangs of scantily clad women servicing intoxicated salarymen.
"My! I can tell. So you really save the world?"
"Nah. That would be the brats piloting those machines there."
The girl pouted in disappointment.
"But! I protect those kids, so in a way I am saving the world by saving them." The man tried to coax her interest again.
"Ooh!"
"Yeah. In fact, I'm the chief of the whole Geofront's security! Me! Jiro Hasegawa!" The man chuckled drunkenly before hiccupping.
"Hm. So you're the big man?"
"Heh. Yeah."
"That. Is. So. HOT!" She punctuated each word with a poke in the chest, ending the last word with her hand under his jacket. "Wait here, I'll bring someone special back with me because I'm not sure I can handle this alone."
"Oh! I like this…" Jiro slurred and leaned back against the booth in anticipation.
"Be back in a minute. And when me and my friend get back, we'll see exactly how big of a man you are…" The woman giggled and swayed her hips as she walked away.
As she turned her back, her lustful smile slid off just as easily as it was put on. No need to act aroused when the customer wasn't around. Waiting for her in the back of the club was a man. An old man to be precise. She didn't know who he was and didn't want to know. His face was hidden by a baseball cap and any other physical features were obscured by an oversized hoodie.
"Do you have the ID?" rasped the man.
"You got my money?"
"On the table."
After counting the bills in the envelope, she handed the ID.
"How's that going to do you any good?" She asked despite her reservations about the dangerous nature of the information. However, she was no stranger to theft and was curious about the disparity of how professional the man seemed and the amateur level of thought behind the heist. "It'll be reported missin' and be useless then."
The man just grunted and pulled out an old, battered, wallet sized device. The ID was illuminated with green light as it was scanned. With a flick of his wrist, he then tossed the ID back at her. "Return it."
"Hey bud. Deal was for a quick snatch. Nobody said nothing about returns." The woman raised her hands defensively as the ID bounced off her perfectly toned abdomen.
Without notice, the man was only inches from her face. She could only see darkness under the cap, but the voice that rumbled from it was terrifying. "You'll do it or else."
The woman swallowed and tried to put on the same confidence as she did on the club floor. "Or else what, pops?"
"Or else I tip off the police about how you covered up the fact that you killed your own little brother to save your own starving hide!"
She gasped and covered her mouth. How did he know that? It was years ago!
"He was so young wasn't he? Six, I believe. Your parents both died during the Relocation and you were only 15. But that hardly spared you and your little brother from the food riots and starvation. Not enough money or food to go around. Better to save your poor, little otouto from a slow, painful death right? And you were about to follow him to that end too before you lost courage. Easier to take someone else's life than your own, right?"
The woman squeaked in shame and shock. Real tears made its way to the corners of her eyes. "How, how"
"Never get in bed with someone until you know the other side can pay up. You working girls all know that rule. Be seeing you." The man slid back in the wall and seemingly melted into the shadows.
The woman shivered and held herself before regaining composure to go out on the floor again. She prayed that the man didn't mean it when he said to see her again.
As soon as Kawahara was outside the building, he started running to his office while the information off the ID was viable. It was the beginning of what he hoped to be his plan to save the world.
I won't let it happen again. I'll stop it…by any means necessary…I'm sorry, Shinji. Your training as my weapon has just begun. Forgive me. Dear Lord, please forgive me someday.
AN: I'm back and with a shitload more words than ever. Sorry for the major delay. I've been real busy with life. Don't worry. At no point will I ever contemplate giving up. Deadfic is something I hate with a passion. I know with this chapter I took a real turn, but it was what struck me at the moment of writing. Most of this was fairly on the fly, but there is an overarching plot that I've planned out. If you're wondering why I've taken the fifteenth angel so early to replace the tenth, I was doing it for the plot advancement. The 0 synch score will become important to Shinji's development and for how the story unfolds. As for Rei, she is growing and finding her morality. I think she's a character who really has no moral nature because she never really learned to apply her decisions beyond the approval of the people she viewed to have control over her expendable life. With the trippy dream stuff, it's really just a way for me to experiment with symbolism and to foreshadow. I'm trying to develop Gendo beyond the normal bastard status he's given. He's one of the most complex characters out there, so I want to take advantage of that and expand on the man he was before Yui's death and focus on creating the man he is now and what he will become. The Rilke poem is a very accurate representation of what I'm trying to portray here. Big stuff is in store for the future, especially if Kawahara gets his way. Also, Kawahara's intent is a bit bigger than NERV, so watch out. By the way, the plot for the drama that Asuka was talking about was actually a story idea I was floating for my rom-com. One of these days I might actually write it, but until then good night.