There was a moment of silence.
"...How is that going to fix anything?!" America's boss demanded at last, staring at America as if he had grown another head.
"Oh, come on boss!" America exclaimed. "Its the perfect plan! We'll reveal to the world that aliens really exist and then, they'll all be so shocked by that, they'll forget all about us!"
"NO!"
"But boss -"
"That's a horrible idea" America's boss scowled at him. "Besides, aliens don't exist! Area 51 does not house any aliens -"
"It does too!" America protested. "And aliens do exist - my best friend is an alien!"
For a long moment his boss just stared at him, as if trying to determin whether or not he was being serious. A moment later the man shook his head and muttered something under his breath.
"What was that?" America questioned.
"Your best friend is not an alien, Alfred" his boss sighed. "Anyway, let's get back to being serious - you are going to be giving a press conference and you are going to make it good. Hopefully that will tone things down a bit."
"...But can't we break into area 51?" America pouted slightly and gave his boss puppy dog eyes. "It'd be so much fun!"
"No!"
"Just imagine it!" America pleaded. "We'd make such good partners in crime - can't you just imagine the two of us, creeping through Area 51 with ski masks pulled over our faces, breaking a few aliens out of -"
"No, no, NO!"
"Oh come on!" America moaned, slouching back in his seat. "It'd be awesome!"
"There is no such thing as aliens!" his boss snapped. "No one is breaking anyone out of anywhere. You're going to be giving a press conference and that is final!"
...
"So, thanks you guys. It's cool of you to join me on my misson to break the aliens out of this place."
America grinned at Prussia and Canada; the former looked estatic, and the latter looked utterly miserable.
"I never agreed to this" Canada muttered.
"I was bored" Prussia responded, shrugging his shoulders. "Plus, it sounds kind of awesome...I mean, I might find enough aliens in there to make an army. I could take over the world! How awesome is that?!"
"First we need to reveal them to the world though" America reminded him.
"Sure thing."
Canada sighed and kicked at the ground, a scowl stretched across his face. He glanced up at America.
"So" he ground out. "How do you propose we get in?" He glanced up at there current destination; Area 51. Well; they would never even make it one step inside before getting shot down. Yet another one of America's brilliant plans at work (yes; Canada was still bitter about the press conference).
"Huh?" America blinked. "Oh, don't worry about it - I'm am America after all."
Canada groaned.
"No seriously" America began to head in the other direction. "I know a back entrance."
The trio ended up at a barbed wire fence. Canada glanced through it and grimaced when he caught sight of a guard; sure, the man was sleeping, but that didnt mean he wouldn't wake up and kick their butts as soon as he woke up and saw them.
America stuck his hand through the fence, creating a hole with little effort. He walked straight through; Prussia followed him. Canada, with some trepadition, also walked through. The trio walked straight past the guard, who didn't stir.
America snickered. "They're so used to the secrecy and the fact that no one ever comes here that you can just walk in and walk out without anyone even realising."
Canada glanced at him oddly. "You've been here before?" he asked.
"Well sure!" America replied, beaming at him. "There was this one time when Tony felt homesick and missed his old stuffed alien, which he had lost in the Roswell crash - by the way dudes, that totally happened, no matter how hard those government dudes try to deny it. Anyway...I broke in here to get it back. They had the thing under high surveillance, but I managed!"
"...So" Canada said, after a moment. "Why are we doing this again?"
"So I can reveal to the world that aliens really do exist!"
"...I thought this was supposed to help us" Canada raised one eyebrow. "How the hell does this help us?"
"Well duh!" America responded, rolling his eyes. "The world will be so shocked that aliens exist, they'll put all focus onto them! They'll forget all about us! It's foolproof!"
Canada stared at his brother for a moment; he then walked up to a nearby tree and slammed his head against it repeatedly.
Prussia turned to America. "I thought you already had an alien friend?" he asked. "You know, that Tony guy?"
"Oh yeah" America said, perking up at the mention of his friend. "Well, I thought about using him but then, this is way more fun!"
"...Awesome" Prussia replied, after a moment of consideration.
Canada hit his head again.
Once America and Prussia had managed to manhandle Canada away from the tree, they walked past a couple of other guards. They too were fast asleep; one let out a loud snore as Prussia stepped over him.
"Yeah..." America said, eyeing them. "They're really not used to people coming here."
Eventually, they walked into a large building. They ended up in a long corridor with doors positioned in various places. America cocked his head to the side, his eyes scanning the area.
"Sometimes I hear screams coming from this way" he said, pointing in a random direction. "So the aliens are probably kept - wait" his eyes widened and he whirled around to face Prussia and Canada. "We forgot to put our ski masks on!"
"For all that is sweet and maple...why did I ever let him drag me here?" Canada moaned.
Prussia on the other hand, looked entirely too eager. How he had ended up there, Canada had no idea; Prussia didn't really share any connection with his brother, other than the fact that they were both idiots. Then again, knowing America, he had probably phoned up every nation he could think of until someone agreed...
Prussia yanked down his ski mask over his face; the word 'AWESOME' was stitched in large letters at the top.
"Awesome mask!" America complimented.
"I know, right?" Prussia grinned.
...
"Su-san? Are you here?"
Finland's voice echoed throughout the house as he wondered around, searching for any sign of life. There was no response; like it had been for the past hour or so, he was met with dead silence.
"Sealand?" he called out. "Where did you go off too? Come on - spend some time with your dear old Mama!"
There was no response.
"Where is everyone?!" Finland demanded.
...
'Everyone' (meaning Sweden and Sealand) was currently locked up in Sealand's room, trying to keep as quiet as possible to avoid being discovered by the final member of their family.
"So this is the plan" Sealand whispered. "We're going to call Uncle Denmark and tell him that we all want to become his colonies...he'll come running over because he's an idiot, and also because he'll be all happy and excited. He'll be completely unaware that Mama will be waiting for him...it's perfect!"
"I d'nt th'nk s'" Sweden responded.
"But Papa!" Sealand whined. "We need to do something - Mama's going crazy!"
"Su-san? Sealand?"
Both Sweden and Sealand froze at the sound of Finland's voice, coming from the other side of the door. Once the danger had passed, Sealand turned to Sweden, his eyes wide.
"I really don't hate Uncle Denmark" he said. "But sacrifices need to be made for the greater good!"
"...M'be."
...
Switzerland stared at Liechtenstein, his eyes narrowed.
Liechtenstein gazed back at him, smiling happily.
"So" Switzerland said, at last. "In light of recent events, I think you should know what to do if a human approaches you."
"Whatever you think is best, Big Brother" Liechtenstein replied, gazing at him with adoration shining in her eyes.
"Yes" Switzerland nodded. "So first - if a human does not, by any chance, know who you are, under no circumstance are you allowed to tell him or her, understand?"
"But..." Liechtenstein frowned. "What if they look nice?"
"No!" Switzerland snapped. "They may look nice but who knows what they are like on the inside?!"
"But -"
"No buts!" Switzerland glared at her. "You are, under no circumstance, to tell anyone who you are. Understand?"
"Yes, Big Brother" Liechtenstein nodded her head. "Can I make you a sandwich?"
"No you may not!" Switzerland snapped. "You may not distract me with treats made of yeasty-goodness!"
"...I only wanted to know if you wanted a sandwich."
"I said no, alright!" turning away from her, Switzerland tapped the blackboard behind him, where an image of a crowd of stick-figures had been drawn. "Alright now - if a group of humans haven't noticed you, what are you going to do?"
Liechtenstein thought for a moment. "...Go and say hello?"
"NO!" Switzerland yelled. "You have two options! One: run in the other direction."
"Got it!" Liechtenstein responded, nodding her head. Switzerland nodded in satisfaction; he continued.
"And two: go up to them and shoot them."
Liechtenstein's eyes widened. Seeing this, Switzerland sighed.
"Or" he amended. "You can simply position your gun against one of their heads and say something along the lines of: 'Feel like a bullet for lunch?!'"
"...Can I ask them if they want a sandwich instead?" Liechtenstein sounded hopeful. "That would be much nicer."
"You aren't trying to be nice!" Switzerland barked. "These people are not your friends - they will devour your soul!"
"But..." Liechtenstein frowned. "They are my citizens..."
Switzerland considered this statement. "Alright, fine" he sighed. "You don't have to shoot them. We'll save the bullets for whenever we next have to enter Austria."
"Thank you, Big Brother!" Liechtenstein replied, beaming widely.
"Alright, so" Switzerland turned back to the blackboard and pointed at a picture of a stick-figure drawing being chased by a mass of stick-figure bodies. "Now that you know what to do with a human who doesn't know who you are, and with a group of humans...what will you do if someone DOES know who you are?"
"Uh..." Liechtenstein frowned. "Run in the other direction...?"
"Good" Switzerland nodded his head. "The original answer was 'fire any and all ammunition' but since that was ruled out..."
"I love you, Big Brother" Liechtenstein smiled.
Switzerland stared at her for a long moment.
"...Moving on" he finally coughed. "What will you do if hoards of people are chasing after you?"
"Well...that happened the other day" Liechtenstein replied. "So...I guess I'll just do what I did then."
"But what if I'm not there?" Switzerland demanded, his eyes narrowed.
Liechtenstein smiled.
"You're always there, Big Brother."
...
"This is boring..." Finland sighed. He was slumped over on the sofa, staring miserably at the wall. He was unaware how long he had been sitting there; time had seemed to blend together; everything was a big blur in his head.
"Sweden and Sealand left me..." he muttered. "They went places...they left me behind...why? Why?! Dammit, why is this house so small...how come I never noticed this house was so small?! I need something to do...why don't I have something to do..."
...
(Half an hour later...)
"The wall...is very...nice..."
...
(Another half hour passes...)
"Is it white? Or is it cream?" Finland frowned, his eyes glazed over. "Or is it somewhere inbetween?"
...
(...And yet another half hour...)
"...I can hear the clock ticking..." Finland let out a loud, hysterical laugh. "Tick...tick...tick..."
...
(An hour later)
"Tick...tick..."
...
(Another hour passes...)
"...I think it is cream..."
Finland stood up. He looked around.
"Su-san?" he called out. "Sealand? Are you here?"
There was no response.
Sighing, Finland slumped back onto the sofa, and went back to staring.
...
(An hour passes since, as you probably figured, Finland has no life...)
"...I bet they're with Denmark" Finland muttered, a dark look crossing his face. "Damn Denmark...he's going down...I'm going to get him...Denmark..."
...
(...You know this is really getting old...)
"...Denmark really isn't that far away..."
...
(...Yeah, you know the drill by now...)
Finland walked out of the house, a crazed grin spread across his face. A butcher's knife was tucked into his pocket; a set of arrows was slung across his back, with the bow carefully tucked away in the flower-printed duffel bag he carried.
Denmark was going to be receiving a surprise visit...
...
AN:
...Yup xD Finland is crazy...and so is America.
I highly doubt it would be THAT easy to sneak into a secret government facility but then, thats the joy of a humor!fic. Also, it IS hetalia xD
If anyone has any requests for characters they would like to see in this fic, or characters they would like to see more of, feel free to mention it to me. Also, if you have any ideas or suggestions, they would be very welcome :D
I've also recently posted out a oneshot named: "The Matchmaking Catastrophe." To explain the fic in a few words...well, lets just say, Prussia should NEVER start up a matchmaking business. Ever. Not if all the Hetalia pairings out there wish to survive...xD
Anyway, that fic is on my profile if you'd like to check it out :D
Tell me what you think of this chapter!