A/N: So here it is. What you've been asking for. Hope I don't disappoint. I've alternated quite a bit between BPOV's and EPOV's in this chapter, to give you the whole picture. xxx
Please note that this chapter was written with the following songs setting the mood:
Taylor Swift and Zayn Malik - I don't wanna live forever (For Bella's broken heart)
Band of Horses - The Funeral (For Edward)
Colbie Caillat - Realize (For both of them)
Chapter 9 - Digging deep
BPOV
"Morning Alice." Bella greeted on Monday when she walked into the reception area with a figurative skip in her step.
"Hey." She smiled. "How was Friday night?"
"Bella rested her arms on the desk and leaned closer to Alice.
"It was amazing." Bella gushed. "Way better than I expected."
"Yeah, I heard." Alice gave her a knowing smile. "Rosalie told me. Seems she had just as much fun as you." She winked.
Bella tried to suppress an inevitable blush, which proved unsuccessful. She shrugged her shoulders. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Liar." Alice accused teasingly.
"I have to go. Wouldn't want my boss to be mad at me for being late." Bella pushed away from the desk.
"I need details." Alice whined. "And I'll extract it from you sooner or later, even if by means of torture."
"Later." Bella gave Alice a saccharine smile and strode toward the kitchen. She needed coffee. And lots of it.
The weekend was a busy one. Edward had only left yesterday late afternoon, and Bella had been replaying all that happened, over and over in her mind when she'd gone to bed last night, resulting in her only falling asleep after two.
She reached on her tip toes to pull Edward's and her mug from the cupboard above the kettle and placed them side by side. She ladled a generous amount of coffee into each of the mugs and added two sugars to Edward's. She liked her coffee bitter.
With careful strides, she made her way to Edward's office, trying not to spill the contents of the two mugs in her hands. Using an elbow, she pushed down the handle of the door and entered.
"Morning, sir." She greeted but startled when she looked up. A red haired woman was sitting beside Edward, perched on his desk. Her face turned toward Bella at about the same time as Edward looked up.
"Morning, Bella." Edward greeted stiffly, not introducing the woman. What the fuck?
"Oh, aren't you sweet." The woman spoke in an painfully high pitched voice, scooting from the desk to meet Bella. She plucked the mugs from Bella's hands and passed the one that read 'Cullen', in black print, to Edward. "Thank you." She dismissed Bella with a supercilious look, that made her feel like an ugly duckling. This woman was dressed to perfection, not a hair out of place, flawless make-up covering her already ridiculously stunning face.
"My pleasure." She ground out, shooting daggers at Edward over the red haired harpy's shoulder .
Bella turned without excusing herself and ambled from the room with resolute strides. She had to gather all her self control not to slam the door shut behind her, instead opting to leave it open.
"You can close the door behind you." She heard the bitch's voice order from Edward's office.
"And you can go fuck yourself." She muttered under her breath. Who the hell did this woman think she was? Sitting on Edward's desk like she was his girlfriend. And worst of all, Edward didn't say a word. Fuck this! Fuck all of them! She didn't have time for this shit!
Bella clacked dangerously on her heels back to the kitchen to make herself some coffee. Hopefully this time she would get to drink it. The nerve of the bloody woman to steal her mug. She petulantly considered throwing it away after today.
"You do realize that you are way out of your league when it comes to Edward, right?" A voice startled Bella. The red head.
"What?" Bella bit out in annoyance as she flung herself around to face this vexatious woman.
"Oh honey. You didn't really believe that he would go for someone like you?" Her lips pulled down in a manner that made it look as if talking to Bella left a bad taste in her mouth. "You're only the rebound girl. Nothing more. Sooner or later Edward will get tired of you and move on to a decent woman."
"Someone like you?" Bella offered with sarcasm.
"Naturally." The woman shrugged unflappably, inspecting one of her perfectly manicured nails, leaning back against the kitchen cabinets.
"Please don't flatter yourself." Bella spoke with dangerous calmness, crossing her arms over her chest to hide her shaking hands. "I bet Edward can spot a gold digging tramp like you from miles away." Bella took a step closer to the woman. "And honey..." She continued with a sarcastically sweet voice, "it's so clearly tattooed on your forehead, anyway. Gold digging slut. In Big. Fat. Red. Letters." She emphasized each word of her last sentence with a smirk on her face.
Shock and outrage flashed across the woman's face as Bella's words sunk in. She was gaping like a fish, trying to find her words.
"So rung along like a good little girl and go find your own man. Or I guarantee you'll regret the day you met me." Bella warned.
With her nose in the air and a discomposed scowl tugging at her lips, she stomped out of the kitchen.
BPOV
"Are you upset with me?" Edward asked later as he stepped into her office, closing the door behind him.
Bella looked up from her computer screen with cold indifference. "Why would I be upset with you, sir?"
"Because you've been ignoring me." He pointed out.
"I didn't want to disturb your little meeting." She bit out sarcastically.
Edward chuckled in amusement and scooted over to her side of the desk. "You are upset with me, aren't you!" He accused with a smug expression spreading over his infuriatingly handsome face, which annoyed Bella even more. "Were you jealous?"
Bella shot up from her chair, looking Edward straight in the face. "You know what, Edward? This is about so much more than jealousy. When I walked into your office this morning, you didn't even have the decency to greet me with any semblance of warmth, never mind introducing me to your new 'friend'." Bella walked toward the door, trying to put some space between them. "And to top it all off," She twisted around on her heel, pointing an accusatory finger at him, "you couldn't even manage to ask what's-her-face to take a seat opposite you, like a normal person would."
"Amber is just an old friend, Bella. Nothing more." He defended.
"Are you really this daft, Edward? She want's you."
"But I don't want her." He inched toward Bella, that annoying smile spreading over his lips, again, like he was enjoying her little outburst.
"Well, she certainly won't be coming around again. That's for sure. I put pretty little Amber in her place when she came to the kitchen this morning, trying to stake her claim."
"She did what?"
Bella ignored him. "And you know what the worst part was?" Bella took another step toward the door. "The fact that her words really hit home. That I'm just a rebound for you."
"You can't seriously believe that, can you?" He asked incredulously.
"Of course I can. You see," Bella leaned with her shoulder against the wall of her office, crossing one foot over the other. "it all makes sense. The fact that you've never once addressed the fact that I look like Louise. Even though I told you I saw the pictures. Is this some sick game to you, Edward? Do you think of Louise every time you fuck me? Because I'm not her. I'll never be her. And if that's what you're looking for, then I'm out." Bella lifted her hands in defeat.
"You're right about one thing." He spoke in a murderous tone. "You're not her."
Bella's body jerked in response to his words, like she'd just been slapped across the face - hard. She grabbed the door handle, yanking it open, and motioned for him to leave.
"Bella." He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "That's not what I meant. It came out wrong."
"Please, Edward." Bella swallowed thickly, tears prickling her eyes. She shook her head in resignation, begging him in a whisper. "Just go." She wasn't going to cry in front of him.
Edward's face was the picture of pain as he turned and left her office. It nearly broke her heart. No! She chastised herself mentally. This was for the best. They couldn't keep dancing around the obvious, without any repercussions.
The day passed with agonizing slowness. All Bella wanted to do was get in bed, pull the covers over her face and cry her heart out. Not even Ben and Jerry would be able to save her this time.
Edward completely ignored her for the rest day as best he could, like she'd asked him to and Bella honestly preferred it this way. She knew her shattered heart would surely disintegrate if she had to face him today. Tomorrow was tomorrow and she would deal with her aching heart as best she could then, but today, now, she just needed her space.
BPOV
Bella's heart felt broken and her head pounded from all the crying she'd done since she stepped into her apartment after work. Bella frowned at herself in the mirror - a blotchy, red faced brunette that Bella didn't recognize, stared back at her. She hated herself for feeling this way. For allowing Edward to break her heart. But mostly, she hated herself for not running at the first sign of danger. It was her own god damn fault. But no, ever the martyr, she had to see how far things could progress between them, before her heart was torn out completely.
She ran herself a long, steamy bubble bath, while going in search of a bottle of red wine.
Bella uncorked the bottle and padded back down the hall, not bothering with a glass. The drunker she could get tonight, the better. At least it would numb her fractured heart and aneathetize her brain. She stopped on her way through the living room, deciding if she should put on some music. She shrugged. Why not?
The heat from the water soothed her tired muscles, making her sigh as she submerged herself in the bubbly waters. Bella tipped the bottle of wine to her lips, drinking eagerly from it. The music blaring from the radio made her heart contract painfully, as if speaking to her stormy emotions.
EPOV
It was so strange for Edward to feel this happy and guilty all at the same time. What kind of man moved on from his true love in a matter of two years? Did it mean that he never really loved Louise? No. It couldn't. He knew what he had felt for her. But that didn't diminish his feelings for Bella. Not in the least. This was so fucking confusing. It wasn't as if he hadn't tried to stay away from Bella, but he couldn't help falling in love with her. His feelings for her were so intense, so raw and so fucking unsettling.
And now, here Bella was, questioning his intentions. Jesus. What the hell was he supposed to say? He should have said something. He should have told Bella the truth - that, save for the first night he saw her - she reminded him nothing of Louise.
When he looked into her eyes that first night they'd had sex, he saw Bella. Not Louise. And everything Bella did and said - who she was in general - kept reminding him that she wasn't anything like his late wife.
Edward had loved the fact that Louise had a sweet, gentle and very submissive nature, but he found that he preferred Bella's spirit inside and outside the bedroom, though she did realize that he liked it when she was all "yes sir, no sir" in the bedroom, and used it to her advantage. It was Bella's teasing, tenacious and challenging nature in the bedroom that had resulted in the best sex he's ever had. Another point of guilt.
Louise bent over, laid down, spread her legs willingly and even sucked his cock - always giving him whatever he demanded from her. But never had she once been on top like Bella had been on Friday night, and surprisingly, Edward didn't mind, even though he liked to be in control. Louise was always quiet in bed, never talking dirty - but allowed him to talk dirty to her, though he sometimes offered her sweet, gentle words, to feed her own need in the way that she liked it. Bella, on the other hand, didn't hesitate to respond with her body and words - moaning, crying and screaming out his name, driving him wild, but also stroking his ego. Her responsiveness assured him that he knew what he was doing in bed.
Sex with Bella was something indescribable - they never could seem to reach a proper level of satiation - always craving each other. And being with Bella felt freeing for Edward. He wasn't afraid of being too rough or too controlling and demanding in bed. She took it in stride and usually reacted with mind blowing fierceness and heat, which in turn, made him even more aroused. It was like they were building on each other's reactions...almost testing each other's limits and enjoying the result. The fact that he enjoyed sex with Bella way more than he did with Louise, added even more to his mounting guilt.
How did he put all of these thoughts and emotions into words. How could he explain it to her properly, so she could understand that he loved her and that Louise had nothing to do with what he felt for her?
Usually he quite enjoyed the fights that he and Bella had - unresolved sexual tension being the main driving force behind their bickering. But this time was different - this time it went so much deeper than just sexual frustration.
BPOV
Her head pounded and her mouth tasted rancid. Her stomach heaved and lurched violently. "Fuck." She hurried out of her office, barely making it to the toilet in time as the contents of her stomach spewed from her mouth, wracking her body violently. God. Why she went against her better judgement last night and polished a second bottle of wine, was beyond her. Bella wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and pushed up off the cold tiles, steadying herself against the toilet seat. Ugh! She flushed the contents down, opened the bathroom lock with a thunderous clack and shuffled toward the basin, splashing her face with cold water. She dried off the water with a dab of a paper towel and wiped it under her eyes to remove the black smudges of eyeliner and mascara - the only make-up that she could manage to apply to her face this morning. She washed her hands meticulously and dried it off with another paper towel.
She looked deathly pale in the reflection of the mirror. She hoped to god that Edward didn't call her in to his office for any reason. She didn't want him to see how weak she was. How badly their fight had affected her.
EPOV
As the week dragged by, Edward got more and more frustrated with himself. He needed to say something. Bella kept ignoring him as best she could, just coming to his office to discuss work related issues and keeping it short and to the point. Every time he tried to talk to Bella about the issues between them, she cut him off and walked away.
Edward startled as Bella entered his office. He'd called her to help him shuffle around some of his meetings this week as he needed to focus on finalizing the editing of a new book - the deadline being Thursday. She looked dangerously pale and her eyes were puffy. It scared him. Was she sick?
"What's wrong?" He asked.
"Nothing, sir. I'm fine." Bella's voice was frigid. "What did you need me for?"
Edward's brows jumped up in surprise at her detached attitude. "Yes, of course." He recovered, shaking his head. "Please move my meetings around so that I can have today and tomorrow free to finish the new book."
"Yes, sir. Anything else?"
"Can we please just talk about yesterday?" He begged.
"I'm sorry, sir. But I really have a lot to do." She turned around without excusing herself and walked out of his office without so much as a backward glance at him.
He groaned and furiously scrubbed his face with his hands in frustration. How the hell did all of this turn into such a fucking mess so quickly?
He pushed it from his mind right now. He had a lot to do before Thursday. Even with today and tomorrow free to just work on the last of the editing, he was still going to have to put in some extra hours. God knows what he would have done if Bella didn't pre-read the manuscript before hand.
"Mother." Edward greeted harshly as he answered his ringing cellphone. He really needed to get to work and as much as he loved his mother, the last thing he had time for right now, was chit chat.
"Is that any way to greet your dearest mother?" She chided.
"Sorry mom. I just really have a lot to do."
"Okay, then I'll keep this short. Why don't you and Bella come over for dinner tonight?" She asked, obviously having no clue of what was going on between them - or not going on, to be exact.
"I can't, mother. I'm really busy and I'll be working late for the next two nights. Besides, Bella is feeling a little under the weather today."
"Oh, poor dear. Please send her my regards. I'll give you a call later in the week to arrange a dinner."
"Sure, mom." His mother was such an understanding person and he appreciated the fact that she didn't nag him.
"Love you, honey."
"Love you, too." He ended the call.
What the fuck would his mother say if he told her that he and Bella weren't really on speaking terms at the moment?
BPOV
'Thank god for small mercies,' Bella thought on Wednesday morning as she logged on to her computer. She felt way better than yesterday. Never, ever was she going to drink two bottles of wine by herself again. It was a serious lapse in judgement.
She wondered if Edward had made any progress on the book last night? Knowing him, he probably pulled an all-nighter.
She hadn't greeted him this morning, really not feeling up to the task of keeping up pretenses in front of him.
She kept herself busy with re-organizing her desktop, sorting out her desk drawers and organizing Edward's schedule for next week. It was menial tasks, but it kept her hands busy and provided her with somewhat of a distraction form her sour mood.
Her parents called shortly after twelve to let her know that they've arrived safely in Egypt and that they had tried the local food at a restaurant in Cairo earlier. Bella was a little envious of them. She wished she could just fly off and go visit them. Forget about all the crazy shit going on in her life right now. Her parents didn't even know about her and Edward. At all. They only knew that she'd started working at a new company. She didn't want to spoil their vacation by ranting about her disastrously short-lived relationship with Edward.
Rose and Alice had invited her to a girls night, tonight, which she'd declined, not feeling like going out and pretending that everything was just peachy. They understood once she'd explained to them what had happened, and let her be with little to no badgering.
Bella was planning on ordering some pizza and vegging out in front of the television, tonight - maybe hire some sappy romantic movie so she could torture herself just a little bit more. What did it matter if she cried some more, anyway? She was already way past her limit of tears.
EPOV
Edward headed home on Thursday morning around five to go take a quick shower and change into clean clothes, having worked through the night. He was mad at himself for leaving the brunt of the work until the last minute and vowed to himself that it would never happen again. But in all honesty, staying at work helped him avoid his empty apartment. He'd gotten used to being alone over the last two years, but just having Bella over on Friday night and part of Saturday, had already made him used to having someone else in the house again. And now it felt lonely and cold once more.
He grabbed a bagel and a coffee on his way back to work, needing to refuel. He was so damn tired. Not to mention frustrated. He missed Bella and he needed to talk to her. Things couldn't go on like this.
And like each of the previous times he tried to talk to her, she tried to flee again, right now.
"God dammit, Bella!" He boomed and slammed his hands down on the desk. "Sit down! I am not done talking to you."
She squeaked at his startling outburst, but obeyed, sitting back down in the chair opposite him.
"You wanted to talk about Louise and how it affects our relationship, but each time I've tried to talk to you, you run away. Like a fucking coward."
"I'm not a coward, Edward. But I know how this is going to end and I don't need you to put it into words for me." She looked so deflated, so broken. He never realized that skirting around the issues she had about Louise, would cause so much damage.
"Can you just let me say what I need to say?" He asked testily.
"Fine. I'm listening." She rolled her eyes and sighed. Christ. How fucking mature of her.
"When I first saw you walk into the bar that night, you did remind me of Louise." Bella stared at him with open-mouthed horror. He held up his hand, motioning for her to give him a chance to finish. "But," He emphasized the word, "when I came to sit next to you, I could already see that you were nothing like her. She'd never tease me the way you did. But for the life of me, I couldn't let you go. You drew me in like a moth to a flame."
Edward sighed and moved to lean back against his desk, next to Bella. She was staring up at him with wide eyes. "You were nothing like Louise and the fact that I was so attracted to you, made me feel terribly guilty. When I looked into your eyes when we had sex, I didn't see Louise. I saw you, Bella. And that fucked with my mind in ways that you couldn't even begin to understand. It made me feel like I was cheating on Louise. I wanted to hate you so badly - and I tried really hard. Believe me."
He scratched his neck uncomfortably. It was hard for him to open up so completely to Bella. This was very much uncharted territory for him. "You are nothing like Louise. You challenge me mercilessly and you fuck with my control like nobody else can. You talk back to me, you fight with me and you drive me wild in bed. It's really quite disconcerting to find that I really like it. That I prefer the way things are between us - inside and out of the bedroom - more than the way things were between Louise and I. Do you have any idea of the type of guilt that accompanies these feelings? It makes me feel like such a bastard. Like I couldn't possibly have loved Louise as much as I claimed. Because how the fuck can I explain the way I feel about you? The fact that I can't seem to keep my mind from wandering to you every second of the day or that I miss you when you're not around? That I need to touch you, to feel you constantly? How can I be so god damn in love with you and still claim that I used to love Louise with all my heart?"
"Do you love your mother?" Bella asked.
"Of course I do." He stated like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"And what about your dad? And Emmett?" She continued. He wasn't sure where she was going with this.
"I do, yes."
"And you love me?" She asked cautiously.
"Without a shadow of a doubt." He assured her.
"See! You love so many people, Edward. In so many different ways. The same concept applies to the love you feel for Louise." She stared up at him over the planes of her cheeks, intense brown eyes boring into his soul. "It's a different kind of love, now. It's not the same as when she was alive, but that doesn't diminish what you felt for her. It doesn't just erase those feelings. It just changes into a different kind of love."
"I guess I've never thought about it like that." He said, considering her words carefully.
"Don't be so hard on yourself." She offered. "You're not the bastard that you believe yourself to be."
Edward gave Bella a wan smile.
"But you are an asshole. One who treated me like I was invisible on Monday morning. Like nothing changed between us over the weekend. You suck, Edward Cullen."
"Look, I'm really sorry about that. I was still very much taken aback and quite frankly in a state of shock at Amber's brazenness and insistence the other day when she barged into my office, that I couldn't think straight."
"Well you, mister," Bella pointed at him with indignation, "aren't getting anything tonight. You are in for some real groveling to make up for this morning."
Edward raised his brows in surprise at her words. Oh the poor girl, if only she knew. There was no way he was going to tolerate her refusal to give her body over to him. Ever.
"Wanna bet?" He said as he prowled toward her, already rock hard - cock straining painfully against the confines of his pants.
"No!" She spoke with resolute conviction, squaring her shoulders.
"Don't you dare say no to me!" He pulled her out of the chair and plopped her onto the desk, zipping down his pants. "I'll do the necessary groveling, fine. But I will not be refused this body of yours."
He spread her legs carefully, eyes locked with hers and chin held high, showing her that he wasn't going to back down. His palms smoothed over her knees, and under her dress to her inner thighs, and toward his target. His fingers searched for her panties, ready to tear them off. She wasn't wearing any. "Dear mother of god." He cursed under his breath. "Where are your panties?"
"I must have forgotten to put them on." She shrugged, eyes glinting wickedly. The little minx was taunting him.
He moved in between her legs, gripping his cock with one hand and steadying her with the other and thrust into her, hard.
Bella's white teeth dug into her bottom lip as she tried to keep herself from making a noise. He continued to pound into her with slow, deliberate movements. He could see Bella's knuckles turn white from her solid grip against the edges of her desk. Her head tipped back as she absorbed the pleasure he was giving her.
Knowing that they could get caught at any given moment, made him drive himself even harder into her tiny body, straining to keep his release at bay.
Bella's lips popped open and her eyes squeezed shut at the desperate push and pull of his hips. He knew she was close. "You like it hard, don't you baby?" He breathed, never stopping his frenetic thrusts. "You love it when I torture this tight little pussy of yours! I can feel how wet you are for me."
Bella gasped loudly and bucked her hips up toward Edward's, grinding herself shamelessly against him and grabbed onto his shoulders. Her body clamped down brutally around him as she reached her orgasm, trembling with delirious bliss.
Edward's eyes rolled to the back of his head at the heady feeling of her raging climax, as ecstasy detonated throughout his body. He grunted out his release with stuttering hips, cumming over and over inside of Bella, with no sign of end.
"Jesus." Bella panted. "I'm not sure I'll ever be able to get enough of this."
Edward shook his head. "Never."
A/N: I really hope this answers your questions. Let me know if I missed something. Please review :)