I.

They said that medical training was hardest on the student.

They were wrong; it's hardest on his roommates.

II.

"What was that?"

As though summoned from the depths of hell, Sasuke appeared in her doorway

"Nothing," Sakura set down her report on local zoning issues and thought longingly of her days at the Academy when Sasuke had been cool. Now, with his dark glasses, stress-mussed hair, and ratty yukata, he looked vaguely homeless. Still cute in that nerdy way, but not cool. Damn you long association and medical studies to steal her childhood dreams!

"You coughed." He was agitated in that special Uchiha way that was easily confused for boredom.

"Didn't." Sakura lied firmly. She had coughed. A little. But it was because of dust! They were not going to have this conversation. Sakura had work to do. There were reports to prepare, letters to reply to, and studies on food deserts to read. The last thing she needed was her neurotic roommates "tender" and "concerned" "medical" "advice."

"There's a flu virus going around." Sasuke ignored her. "You should go to bed."

"Nope," Sakura shook her head and picked up her scroll, "Not going to bed. I am going to finish this report before the civilian council bites off my head."

"So you're stressed." Sasuke's agitation shot up another few notches; his eyebrow almost twitched, "Stress inhibits the immune system. Which makes you more vulnerable to influenza. You're going to bed."

"Sasuke- we've talked about this- you can't just-"

To be fair, catching your patient's wrist in a joint lock and frog marching them to bed was an effective strategy. But Sakura struggled to see the medical ethics of threatening to knock them out if they didn't rest.

III.

"Ah man! Fighting with Kiba is the best!" Naruto burst into the front door, excited to re-enact the fight for his fascinated team mates, "Today, he and Akamaru did this double attack thing where he-"

"Did you get hurt?" Sasuke looked up from his mountain of text books. Naruto's good mood immediately took a dive for the nervous as he looked around for Sakura. But she was still at the Hokage Tower which meant no one was home to distract the Uchiha.

"Noooo?" Naruto guessed as he slowly hid an arm behind his back. "Totally fine. Hey- what are you studying, Teme!"

His brilliant diversion tactic failed miserably, as Sasuke snapped the book closed and rose to his feet. Red bloomed in his team mate's eyes and Naruto debated making a run for the door.

"You're chakra's congregating in you left arm in a crescent shape," Sasuke snapped, "Who bit you? The boy or the dog?"

"I don't know!" Naruto cried and took a tentative step back as he tucked his hand further behind his back. Sasuke advanced on him with the most frightening of all his expressions: the one promising a great deal of medical attention, "Does it matter!"

"Of course it matters. Human mouths are filled with bacteria. We are washing out your wound."

Sasuke sat on his butt all day and read books, but he was still faster than Naruto with those damn eyes. He had Naruto in a chokehold before the jinchuriki managed to reach the door.

"gh- Teme- I'm fine. Seriously. Special healing powers, remember!"

"Hn." Don't care.

"Kyuubi powers! It's all good!" Naruto insisted as he was dragged to the bathroom.

"Hn." Bacteria!

"Teme- doctors aren't supposed to threaten their patients with kunai- ow!"

IV.

"Nope. I'm out."

Kakashi disappeared from Team Seven's training ground with a swirl of smoke and leaves. Sakura turned on her team mate with her hands on her hips.

"I told you this would happen if you wore those." She chided Sasuke. The Uchiha regarded her coolly from behind his visor, unwilling to acknowledge that there was anything wrong.

"Do you have any idea how dangerous a cornea infection is? I addition to the unimaginable pain, it can render you blind. You should be wearing goggles as well."

Sakura and Naruto exchanged an exasperated look. They had only escaped being forced into a similar fashion statement when Naruto "accidently" the pair of visors somewhere in the Forest of Death. It would be nice when Sasuke moved on from his paranoia of eye infections.

"At least don't make the glass orange?" Naruto suggested.

Sasuke sniffed, "UV radiation is also dangerous to the vision."

V.

When Sasuke needed comfort, he never asked if he could join you. Instead, he just sat down and slumped against you, assured of his welcome and your abundance of free time. He was worse than a cat, Sakura thought bitterly as she was suddenly knocked over by Sasuke's dead weight.

But, unlike a cat, Sasuke still hadn't mastered the art of cuddling. He lay still, eerily reminiscent of a corpse, oblivious to any discomfort that jutting elbows or hip bones might cause. Sakura worked a scroll out from under her ribs and tried to reposition her team mate so his chin wasn't digging quite so painfully into her shoulder.

"Sakura?"

"Mmmm?" Something really was bothering Sasuke if he was willing to talk without being goaded into answering question.

"I think I might have cancer."

"Oh?" She arched an eyebrow in question, "Why do you think that?"

"Certain viruses make you susceptible to cancers later on in life. What if, when I was sick, it was infectious mononucleosis and which makes me susceptible to throat cancer?"

"Uh." Sakura's mind went blank for a moment. Had Sasuke been sick recently? The last time she could remember her team mate ill was four years ago with a cold. "Um. What are the symptoms of throat cancer?"

"A sore or lump that doesn't heal, persistent sore throat, trouble swallowing, and changes in the voice." Sasuke answered promptly.

"Ok, and do you have any of those?"

Sasuke was quite as he thought about it, "My voice sound's different." He finally allowed.

"You don't have throat cancer."

VI.

"Sakura?" Sasuke appeared in her door way as she pulled her outfit out of her closet. "I think I have leprosy."

"You don't have leprosy." She slipped her vest over her head and zipped it up.

"I cut myself while shaving and don't feel anything." He pointed to an invisible nick on his face. From the bathroom, Naruto broke into peals of helpless laughter.

"Sasuke, you don't have leprosy."

VII.

"Why are you taking that?"

Medical students, Sakura decided firmly as she bent down to pick up the pills she dropped, should not have ninja training.

"They're aspirin." She said shortly. Another wave of pain rippled up from her lower abdomen and she swallowed the two tablets before Sasuke could stop her.

"Why are you taking aspirin? If you have the flu, you might end up with Reye's syndrome which-" He trailed off as she fixed him with her deadliest glare. She was in pain. She was crabby. The last thing she wanted to hear was Sasuke's latest paranoia.

"Cool it, teme," Naruto wandered into the kitchen and handed her the heating pad he had managed to lose in his loss of a room, "It's that time of the month."

Recognition dawned slowly on Sasuke's face, then he leaned in and asked seriously.

"Sakura, where is the pain?" When she just stared at him in fury, he continued, "Is there any chance that it could be an ectopic pregnancy?"

"Sasuke. I. Am. Bleeding." She slammed the cupboard door hard enough to make the entire cabinet shake. "Right now! I am not pregnant."

"Also, you have to have sex to be pregnant!" Naruto added helpfully. "And we all know Sakura's still- ack!" He dodged the first towel thrown at him, but the pill bottle caught him squarely in the forehead.

"Sakura, are you having sex?" Horror dawned on Sasuke's face. "With who? 25% of adults are infected with Hepatitis. Are you using protection?"

"Not having this conversation now." Sakura turned from the kitchen, heat pad clutched to her chest. "Not having this conversation ever."

"Sakura-"

"Nope!"

VIII.

"Sakura-"

"You don't have it, Sasuke. Whatever it is, you don't have it."

A/N: In which Sasuke helps me study for my Biomed board and is annoying to everyone.