Day one hundred. Today was an important day, not because it marked so many days passing, but because today was the day Brooke Baker decided she had to face the truth: she could hide away forever and a day but it would not bring her husband back. And said husband would be so furious with her if she spent a single second longer alienating their children because of her soul destroying grief. It had been a little over a month since Haley had told her she'd enrolled the girls in Tree Hill elementary. Though she'd not given it much consideration at the time Haley's decision had most certainly been a wise one. Today Brooke decided she would take one small step to beginning the newest chapter in her life – while she wished it were not so and she wondered whether she was strong enough she could not continue on wasting away in Haley and Nathan's guest room. So when she heard the girls leave for school with Nathan she forced herself up and into the shower. She dressed herself in clothes that were her own and not Julian's. She went downstairs to wait for Nathan to return with Tyler. One step at a time and little interaction with her baby, Julian's precious son was the first step for her. She allowed herself finally to give her thoughts time to flow, time to consider the past few months.
Her memory of the days prior to Julian's funeral were hazy, as were her memories of the funeral itself and ending up in Tree Hill. Her only clear memory being when Karen arrived in town.
"Oh Brooke." Brooke turned slightly from where she sat on the edge of the enormous bed staring at the wall. Her eyes were so swollen from continual tears she could barely open them. But she'd recognise that voice and that soothing tone anywhere. Tears swelled again as Karen sat beside her pulling her into her arms. Brooke let her head rest against the older woman's chest and she sobbed. As the tears slowed Karen released her and she sat upright again. Karen softly wiped her face free from the last few tears.
"How did you do it?" Once more Karen pulled Brooke close to her, Brooke's head rested on her shoulder and Karen gently stroked Brooke's hair.
"There's formula, no step-by-step guide for grieving. Even to this day I miss Keith terribly, I watch Lily and get joy from her, but that's not to say there isn't always the voice in my head that says how much Keith has missed, and how much he would have loved to watch her grow. But we've both been lucky and we have had Andy to be there and help us. When that day rolls round each year I'm heartbroken all over again. But it doesn't hurt in the same way. I can remember the years of memories of good times with him, we may have not had our love for such a long time but we had each other for years. One day you'll be able to do that too."
"Looking at our children hurts Karen, you focused on your pregnancy and making sure Keith's baby was healthy and I know I should too but just looking at them hurts." And again the tears were back in her eyes.
"Brooke there were times I would look at Lily and sob. I'd even do it with Lucas because he may not have been Keith's biological son, but Keith made him the man he is. Keith is to thank for the goodness that is my boy and I see that when I look at him. And mostly I'm happy that he gave me two precious children, but sometimes I looked at them and just cried for what I didn't have."
Voices interrupted her reverie and she tried to shake the sadness away from her though to little avail. She heard the door open and she stood to go and greet Nathan and her son.
"Hales what are you doing home again so soon? You forget something?"
"Actually Nathan I really need to talk to you – it's important."
"Ok Hales, but I just need to tell you about what Tyler did on the walk home. He's so adorable. I'm just pushing him along and he's babbling away in his own little language and then clear as anything he says 'dada bike, bike dada.' And he's the most animated I've ever seen him as he points to this motorbike whooshing past us."
"Julian had his midlife crisis just after Tyler was born." There was a trace of sarcasm in her tone and both Nathan and Haley turned to her shocked. "He bought a motorbike and Tyler just adored it. Every time he saw a bike he'd get excited and point thinking it was...thinking it was his dad. I guess he doesn't really understand that..." Tears once again took their place in her eyes and her determination to be strong and make a start on becoming her mothering self again took a back seat to her grief, she rushed from the house into the bright sunshine. She didn't stop to think that she'd not left the house since her arrival a few days after Julian's funeral. She just needed to get away from her son. She calmed slightly the further she walked and berated herself for ignoring him and then for running away. But the memory of his delighted face every time he saw that damn bike of Julian's broke her heart. She did manage a small smile though at the irony that when in full leathers with his helmet on Julian actually caused fear in his son. Tyler had been at his happiest when Julian sat him on the stationary bike and softly tipped it for side to side making bike noises. She smiled at the memory of her son prancing round their home with Julian's bike gloves and helmet on. She'd never really considered how strange it was that Tyler was frightened when Julian wore the helmet but loved having it on his own head. It may not have been the break through day that she had intended but for the first time in three months she smiled, she thought of her family and remembered a happy time and she smiled. There was still sadness and longing for things to be that way once more but she acknowledged that it was indeed a happy time.
She found herself walking aimlessly round the streets of Tree Hill, until she was outside her old house. Technically the house still belonged to her, though she had rented it out when she moved to L.A. Julian had never asked her to sell, he didn't need to he knew she wasn't planning on going back and it was a relatively lucrative way to use the property. Long term it would bring in more revenue than selling so it had seemed logical to keep it. She stared at the house for a while but then moved on, allowing her mind to focus on the sights and sounds of her hometown she was able to push the grief, anger and guilt down. Nothing ever really changed in Tree Hill, it was one of those places. Though on saying that the record store had closed down meaning that a new bookstore had opened. Brooke idly wondered whether the building had been vacant before becoming the bookstore, whether it had been something else between record store and book store. But then she saw it – Karen's Cafe. Her pace quickened a little as she made her way towards the building that had once housed her designs. She'd let the lease lapse when she moved to L.A., even then she'd known she probably wouldn't be back and Victoria was right, it wasn't the right place for a boutique clothing store. She hadn't thought to wonder whether Lucas would lease it out again but it seemed he had. Perhaps someone with a sense of nostalgia like her own had leased it, turning it into a cafe again. Brooke pushed open the door and was assaulted by the smell of real coffee and the first thing that grabbed her attention was the sign hanging above the counter. 'Somebody told me that this is the place where everything's better and everything's safe.'
"Never stops being true does it?" She tore her gaze from the battered old sign down to the owner of the voice.
"How come it got saved?"
"Karen's Cafe was home Brooke, Tree Hill didn't feel like Tree Hill without it. It was left empty for a long time after you gave up your lease, then when Peyton and I divorced I realised I wanted a place Sawyer and her friends could go when they were older where they could be whoever they were with no judgement, only love and friendship, acceptance and good food, hot coffee and that home vibe that isn't always readily available from broken homes. Besides having a business is a good security for her future. And it keeps me occupied when I'm suffering writers block. I've been spending more time here in the past few years, not because Louise the manager needs me to but because I like sitting in here and writing. I forget sometimes that I'm a jaded, divorced, bitter thirty something and I remember what it was like to have hope. I mean it's not exactly the same as it was, but it's close enough." She took her time to let his words process in her mind while letting her senses absorb the place they'd once all felt was a home for them. She noted how the cafe still retained a homely feel despite the fifties retro red stools being replaced and everything being considerably newer. In essence though the important thing Karen had created in her cafe Lucas appeared to have managed to recreate. So much so Brooke half expected Karen to come wandering from the kitchen with a warm, welcoming smile holding a pot of coffee in one hand and a cloth in the other.
"Close enough. Never once did I feel anything but happy here, you're right it was home when home was nothing more than a house. Your mom taught me what home was supposed to be."
"She was home, that's all there was. And the fact that she gave that same feeling to all of you just shows what an incredible woman she is." If anyone had asked Brooke what she wanted to be when she grew up when she was in high school without a seconds hesitation she would have said Karen Roe. For her Karen was the epitome of everything anyone should aspire to, she was a business woman, a friend, a truly kind and generous person, and most importantly for a neglected child like Brooke she was a loving mother. Brooke thought she'd managed to achieve that dream pretty well – until Julian's death. Which made her question whether she had achieved all that she wanted to. Karen had been all those wonderful things despite how Dan Scott treat her, and she came though the death of the man she loved with grace, dignity and a strength to be admired as well as an even deeper commitment to her children. Brooke had spent 3 months closing herself away to grieve on her own with little thought to her children other than that their immediate needs with be more than adequately met by Nathan and Haley.
"I ran out on Tyler today." She had no clue what possessed her to confess this to Lucas, though she guessed it was the fact that he spoke only of himself, his mother, the cafe. None of his conversation with her felt staged or pressurised into revealing more than she wished. She smiled within herself – he was very much like his mother.
"Fancy a Karen's cafe famous hot chocolate?" She nodded her head and he gestured for her to sit while he acquired the drink. She chose a booth near the window, if she recalled correctly it was roughly placed where the one she and Lucas had often sat during their brief relationship in high school. That life seemed a million years ago and she became sad that it hadn't been recreated upon the big screen. If nothing else it would allow her a connection between the place that was home and her true home – Julian. Lucas slid in the booth opposite her and placed the hot chocolates down. She realised it was an indulgence that he was joining her as it certainly wasn't the weather out for a hot chocolate.
"I was determined today would be the day I pulled myself from the hole of grief and engaged with my children, I was out the house before I'd even held him. Nathan was busy telling Haley about how Tyler said 'dada bike' on the way home from dropping the girls at school and went crazy. It's because when Tyler sees a motorbike he automatically assumes it's Julian. That broke my heart to realise that when he's older he won't remember that, he won't remember Julian, and he doesn't really understand right now that Julian isn't coming back." She furiously brushed the tears away not wanting the few people in the cafe to notice her crying.
"Brooke you can't just decide what day you'll start functioning like you used to, and you can't beat yourself up when something is thrown at you that takes you back a few steps. It's to be expected. Lily she doesn't, she never even met Keith. Andy has been her father for nearly of her life. But she knows that Keith is her dad. She understands that he would have loved her and he would have been the best dad in the world had he been allowed to be here. We have photographs of him to let her know who her dad was, but honestly the best thing any of us gave her was a share of our memories. When she was like eleven she got so angry and was such a nightmare all because she was frustrated that he just wasn't a person to her. She knew he was her dad and the other stuff but she didn't know anything real about him. She didn't know his favourite band, or any his quirks. So we shared what we knew, we gave her our memories of her father and she cherishes those. But it was over ten years after he died that we needed to do that for her, and even then it was hard for us. Things aren't going to be bearable overnight, you just have to take one hour at a time, even a day is too long. Hell every fifteen minutes could be a different emotion. You'll never stop loving him, wishing he was here, lamenting all the things he is missing, and I'm sorry if this sounds harsh – but Julian died in that plane, you didn't, those kids didn't. You can't just give up." Lucas was right, and while a glance at the clock told her it was too late for reintroducing herself to her kids slowly as the girls would now be home, she would certainly be there for bedtime. That was her first step.
"I'm going to put Tyler to bed." Lucas smiled at her and nodded and she slipped out the booth. The air was a little cooler now as she stepped out of the cafe but still warm. She had a new determination about her – which lasted just a few minutes. Then her gaze found something in the Tree Hill streets that turned that glimpse of a smile into an angry frown – Peyton Sawyer. Finally after months of useless anger for it being her Julian that died and not someone else, for being a failure as a mother she was able to redirect her anger towards someone.
After slapping Peyton and running away she made her way directly to Haley and Nathan's house. She wanted to see her children. She opened the door, the entire place was silent and she felt a sense of foreboding. Then she saw the cases. She crept further into the house and found a tearful Haley hugging her son while Brooke's own girls watched. Nathan and Tyler were nowhere to be found and Brooke so wished she knew what had occurred in her absence that day. As Haley turned towards the door she was surprised to see Brooke. She went over and hugged her friend.
"I'm sorry Brooke, I still want to be here for you but..." Haley let the sentence end there and Brooke was left utterly confused as Haley picked up the bags and left. The four occupants of the room watched the sad figure leave the house. Brooke turned to Jamie expecting him to have answers. He just shrugged. Her hollow eyed girls looked devastated and she realised that for them it was the second time in 3 months they were losing a mother. She bent and held her arms wide to them, a mere seconds hesitation and both girls where in her arms.
"I'm sorry left you girls, but I was so sad that daddy's gone." Tears, her constant companion, once again rose to her eyes as she hugged and spoke to her girls.
"We miss him too mom."
"I know baby."
"Hannah don't, mom's sad enough right now." Brooke's breathe was taken away by the maturity of her eldest child.
"It's okay Sophie, he'd be so mad at me for leaving you like I did. I'll try and do better." Sophie pulled back from her a little and stared her straight in her face while Hannah stayed nuzzled against her.
"I understand mom, you're different to other parents. Your love is movie love." Sophie moved in close again, once more leaving Brooke speechless. She and Julian had stressed to their girls from a young age that movie love was different from real life love. Neither had wanted the girls to experience the disappointment they had from setting too high a standard, little did they realise that loving one another with the intensity they did set the standard higher than any romance film.
I know you all want more of Brooke with her kids but this is a slow burn for me and Brooke needs to become more accustomed to her grief before she can deal with the children's grief as well. I promise there will be some coming up.