Chapter 10 Notes: As always, reviews and feedback are very welcome. Thank you to everyone who is still reading my story, and to those who have taken the time to leave me a review
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls.
"You're doing great, Kirk. How about we take a left at this stop sign? This one's a four-way stop, so what would you need to do if there were other cars around?" Kirk was driving, on an actual road outside the confines of the office park, for the first time. Luke had agreed to let Jess come in late for his Saturday morning shift at the diner so that he could take Kirk out early enough that he wouldn't have to contend with much traffic. For the past half hour, Jess had been directing Kirk around the mostly deserted dirt roads on the outskirts of Stars Hollow, offering encouragement and quizzing him on the rules of the road to get him ready for the driving test he would need to pass to get his license.
Kirk came to a stop at the stop sign and looked around the empty intersection before driving through it. "When multiple vehicles approach an intersection with a four-way stop, the vehicles should proceed through the intersection in the same order that they arrived at the stop. If two vehicles reach the intersection simultaneously, the vehicle on the left must yield the right-of-way to the vehicle on the right. For example, in the illustration below Vehicle B should yield to Vehicle A."
Jess smirked. They had gone to the DMV last week, at Luke's insistence, to get Kirk an official driver's permit before Kirk took Jess' car on the road. They had also picked up a copy of the driver's education manual and Kirk had been diligently studying it every night, and had most of it memorized. "That's good, Kirk. But, you're referencing the illustrations again. Remember how we talked about that being unnecessary and how it makes you sound a little too rain man?"
"Oh, sorry, was I doing that again? I just want to make sure I know all the rules and get the answers right." Kirk didn't even glance at Jess while he spoke, his eyes carefully focused on the dirt road in front of him. Jess looked out the passenger window and let his mind wander. This wooded area on the edge of town was his favorite part of Stars Hollow to drive through. He often took this route home from Walmart, even though it was the long way, because it made for such a peaceful drive. He rarely ever ran into other cars here, and he enjoyed the feeling of solitude that gave him. It was a good atmosphere for thinking, and on Jess' mind, at that moment, was his relationship with Rory. He thought about the way they had been going along lately, their relationship running smoothly on the surface, while they avoided any serious conversations, with him not talking about the baby and her not talking about leaving for Yale unless a third party brought up either topic in front of them. On his own, Jess did nothing but think about the upcoming change in his life, and he assumed that Rory was equally as focused on leaving for Yale. But, when they were together, it sometimes felt like they were in collective denial about what was coming. When they were together, he just wanted to be with Rory. He wanted to discuss whatever books they were reading, cuddle through movies, and spend time making out with his girlfriend. It was a very welcome respite from having to think about the future that awaited him. He wanted to let himself believe it could last forever, and that the only change heading their way was graduation, and escape from Stars Hollow, maybe running off to live in the city and start their lives together. But, he knew it wasn't real, and he found himself torn between wanting to hang on to his relationship with Rory for as long as he could, and thinking he should just stop the pretense and end things now. He thought about how Rory would be in Europe when his baby was born. He worried that he was going to be pining for her while she was gone, and wondered if it might be better to end it before she left so that he would have started to heal from the hurt of losing her before his son arrived. He thought about all the times in his childhood that he'd watched Liz recover from various breakups. He could still picture her moping and crying, or self-medicating with alcohol or drugs to deal with the hurt. He knew he wouldn't get to the point that Liz had routinely sunk to after getting dumped, for one thing he knew that Luke wouldn't let him and that he could trust him to pull him back if he ever got anywhere near the ledge that Liz had pretty much lived on, but he still worried about what kind of effect it would have on his son if his energy wasn't one hundred focused on him. He had been making his way through the books Fiona had recommended and he had been interested, and a little intimidated, to learn that babies picked up on more than he had expected, that they could feel their parents' energy, both positive and negative, and took their cues from it. He wanted his energy to be solid and good when the little guy came along. He wanted his son's first impression of his father to be a happy and peaceful one. He hadn't had a lot of stability growing up, and more than anything, he wanted to be someone who could make his son feel safe and calm and loved. He knew that by late July when the baby was due, his energy would either be tainted by stress about his upcoming breakup, or it would be tinged with sadness at having already lost Rory. He couldn't decide what would be better, or which option would be easier to live with. Jess had no practical reasons to keep holding onto Rory. Their relationship would be doomed two weeks into summer when Rory left for Europe, or in late August when she left for college. There were no two ways about that. But, he loved her. He knew he did. And, that made the logical choice feel so impossible.
Jess was yanked out of his thoughts by the car's abrupt swerve to the right and the sound of squealing tires. Before he could react, the low hanging tree branches he had been staring at were rushing toward his window and he was thrust forward, out of his seat, the shoulder strap of his seat belt digging into the side of his neck as it kept him from hitting the dash. He was thrown back against his seat and looked up to see a large oak tree directly in front of him, too close to the windshield to have left sufficient room in between the two for the front of his car. Jess lowered his gaze to see the hood of his car crumpled like an accordion. The dashboard felt closer than it had a few minutes ago, but his legs and the rest of his body seemed unharmed. He felt a sharp spike of adrenaline at his close call, and for a moment he felt like his heart was pounding in his ears. He looked over to Kirk, who sat motionless, staring straight ahead in the driver's seat, hands still on the wheel, no expression on his face. Jess took off his seatbelt and reached out a hand to Kirk's shoulder to get his attention. "Kirk!" Kirk recoiled violently at the touch, slamming his shoulder into the driver's side door, hard. He kept as much distance between them as possible, his eyes trained on his lap to avoid making eye contact, and when he spoke, his voice was shaky and small. "I'm sorry. Please don't…I'm so sorry."
Jess sighed, not wanting to deal with this, too, on top of the crash. He had spent too much of his childhood in the mental state that Kirk was now in, scared and cowering from someone he thought was going to beat the living shit out of him over a stupid accident or mistake, to not feel any empathy. But, he would be lying if he said it didn't hurt that Kirk was expecting it from him. It made him remember how Luke had felt the need to admonish him to be nice to Kirk when he had first come to stay with them. He wondered what the point in trying was when the people he was closest to kept expecting the worst from him anyway. He slowly held up his hands, palms facing Kirk. "Kirk, it's ok. I'm not going to hurt you. I wouldn't do that. I just wanted to get your attention and see if you were all right. I wasn't going to hit you. Ok? I swear. I'm not even mad at you."
Kirk slowly looked up and over toward Jess, tears welling in his eyes. "I am so sorry. A cat ran in front of the car. I didn't want to run it over and I panicked. Are you ok, Jess?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm good, Kirk. Are you all right?"
Kirk nodded. A tear ran down his face and he wiped it away with the back of his hand.
"All right, I think we should get out of the car." Jess tried the handle of his door, but he couldn't get the door to budge. "I think my door is jammed. Can you open yours?"
Kirk was still staring at him, probably in shock. Jess tried to focus him. "Kirk, can you try to open your door?"
Kirk nodded and tried the handle, and the door popped open. Kirk tried to step out of the car, but got caught on the seatbelt he had forgotten he was wearing, and froze. Jess scooted across the bench seat, pushed the release button on Kirk's seatbelt and guided the strap from around Kirk's shoulder. Jess waited for Kirk to step out and then followed him through the driver's door.
They stood by the car, Jess inspecting its crumpled front end and Kirk watching Jess wearily. Jess sighed after he finished surveying the damage. He didn't know very much about cars, but he was pretty sure that this one, which had been a piece of crap to begin with, was now totaled. "Fuck." Jess noticed Kirk take a couple of steps away from him and sighed. "I'm not mad at you, Kirk. I know it was an accident. I'm just frustrated with…...the situation." Jess knew it was true. He genuinely wasn't angry at Kirk. He thought about how mad he would have been if this had happened a year or two ago. He would have lost his shit back then for sure. He wondered if he could attribute his current calmness to an increase in maturity due to his impending fatherhood. Maybe small things like crashed cars didn't seem so dire now that he had a bigger issue on the way in a couple of months. Or maybe he owed it to being in a good place for the first time that he could remember. He knew having family support had changed him a lot. He felt less alone and angry at the world knowing that he finally had someone on his side no matter what and that he could depend on Luke if he really needed help. He also couldn't discount the very humbling experience he had just had when he broke the diner window. It had been such a stupid thing to do, but Luke had hugged him and comforted him with kind words and immediate forgiveness. He knew he'd have to be a complete ass to not treat Kirk the way he had been so grateful to be treated by Luke. The last thought that ran through his mind was more depressing. That maybe he wasn't angry because things didn't seem all that real anymore. He was about to have a baby. He was about to lose the only person he'd ever been in love with. Everything seemed so difficult and surreal. It almost seemed right that his car would get totaled, too.
"I'm very sorry, Jess."
"I know you are. It's all right, Kirk." Jess sighed. "So, I guess we need to call someone to tow the car. I think Benton's gas station is the closest place to go for a pay phone. We passed it a little bit ago. Do you want to come with me or do you want to wait here with the car?"
Kirk looked nervous at the idea of waiting by himself. "I'll come with you, if that's ok."
"All right, let's get moving then." They started walking down the road side by side.
"Jess, I want you to know that I'll buy you another car. Every penny I make at all three of my jobs is going to go to you until I've given you enough to replace your car. I promise, Jess, I will make this up to you. I know you need a car for work and for getting to Shane's once the baby's born. I'm very, very sorry."
The reality of being carless hit Jess. He had saved for months to buy that car. And now he was about to have a baby without a way to even drive his son home from the hospital. Or to get himself to Shane's to see the baby, or to pick him up and drop him off when his joint custody kicked in. He was now officially the proud owner of a car-seat without a car to put it in. And, most of his savings had dwindled as he had purchased the necessary items on the list Fiona had given him. Even with all the extra shifts he was working, he didn't have a lot of extra money lying around. A car wasn't much in the way of independence when he was eighteen and still living under Luke's roof and following his rules, but it had felt like something, a little piece of freedom to come and go as he wanted. Now, he would be dependent on Luke to go anywhere beyond walking distance. And, he would need to learn to drive a standard if he wanted to be able to borrow Luke's truck. And, he would be back on the bus to get to Walmart, which would tack another half hour onto his commute each way.
He knew the accident wasn't Kirk's fault, if anything he knew he should have been paying more attention instead of daydreaming about Rory, but he could still feel his annoyance building as he inventoried all the ways his life would be harder without a car. It's not like Kirk would be able to afford to replace it anytime soon. He had a sudden flash of memory of his crash with Rory the year before, followed by the unsettling realization that he had never offered to replace Rory's totaled car, or even given her any money toward a new one. He had skipped town under the guise of not wanting to hurt her or mess up her life any more than he already had instead of staying and helping her deal with the problems he had caused, and then he had gone on to buy himself a car when he returned to Stars Hollow while Rory still went without. Jeez, he was an asshole! It amazed him that she was still with him. She knew it had been an accident and she had never blamed him or held him accountable, but still, he should have tried to make it up to her. The least he could do was not be a dick to Kirk now that the shoe was on the other foot. "I know you are, Kirk. But, it's all right. Accidents happen."
"This might be the worst thing I've ever done to anyone I care about."
Jess laughed. "Then I'd say you've lived a pretty nice life so far. Don't be so hard on yourself. It could have happened to anyone. Did you know that I wrecked Rory's car last year?"
Kirk nodded slowly. "I heard people talking about it."
Jess should have known the accident would have been fodder for gossip in a town where pretty much nothing ever happened. "It was a pretty similar accident. We were driving through town and some little animal, an opossum I think, ran across the road in front of me. I swerved and the car ended up on the sidewalk and hit a cement bench. Rory broke her wrist. I felt horrible about hurting her, but I know it could have been a lot worse. I had bad dreams about the crash for weeks afterward, but in the dreams, there was always a person on the sidewalk and the car hit them before it hit the bench. And I wasn't even being as careful as you were. I was eating an ice cream cone while I drove and flirting with Rory like crazy. It was before we were together. So, I get how bad you feel right now, but you don't need to. I don't want you to. I'm not mad at you."
"Will Luke be?"
"Be what, mad at you?" Kirk nodded. "No, Kirk, he won't be. I promise. He never liked my car anyway, always thought it was a piece of crap. He'll freak out when we tell him about the accident, but he'll just be glad that we're ok."
"If you say so."
Jess looked at Kirk and saw that the boy didn't believe him. "What are you worried about?"
Kirk looked uncomfortable, and spoke hesitantly. "After you crashed Rory's car, I heard Miss Patty and Babette talking about how Luke was so mad that he sent you back to New York. And if that's how mad he was at you for wrecking Rory's car, I can only imagine how mad he'll be at me for wrecking yours."
Jess nodded as he thought back to that night. He remembered Luke approaching him as he sat smoking at Larson's dock, not knowing what to expect. He had already come to trust Luke to be fair with him, but he had never done something so bad and so worthy of rough treatment as he had that night. His crash had been an accident, too, but he would have understood if Luke had wanted to make him pay for injuring Rory. He could remember Luke sitting next to him and comforting him while he tried not to cry as he asked to be sent back to Liz. If he was going to hurt people and mess everything up, he needed to get away from the only two people he really cared about, because hurting them and letting them down had felt like more than he could take. "Luke didn't send me away because he was mad. I felt so guilty about what I'd done that I asked to go back to New York. He tried to talk me into staying, but I felt like I needed to get out of here. He sent me back to New York because it was what I wanted, not because he was punishing me. He wasn't mad at me, and he won't be mad at you either. Seriously."
"Oh."
"So, no one's going to be mad at you. It was an accident and you don't need to feel guilty about it."
"Thanks, Jess. But, I'm not sure if I can stop feeling guilty."
Jess nodded. "I get it. But, you aren't replacing my car."
"But, Jess, I-"
"No, Kirk. I'm serious. I didn't get Rory a new car, and Luke wouldn't let me pay for the diner window I just broke. So, this is fair. It's the universe evening things out for all the stuff I've done. I'll buy myself another car. It might take a while, but I can deal in the meantime."
"Are you sure? That doesn't seem right. This was my fault."
"Yeah, I'm sure. I'll be fine. Everything will work out."
"And, we're still friends, right?"
Jess pretended to mull over the question with a serious look on his face. "Hmmm…...I don't know…let me think a minute…yeah, we're still friends." Jess grinned at Kirk to let him know he was kidding.
A small smile formed on Kirk's face. "I'm glad you came back from New York, Jess."
"Me, too."
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Jess and Kirk were walking back to the diner from Gypsy's. Jess had called her from the gas station to see if she would be interested in buying some of the still usable parts before he turned the car over to the junkyard. He had had a friend in New York whose brother had done work at a chop shop, and he knew there was usually something salvageable from even the worst wrecks. She had agreed to take a look at what was left of his car to see if there was anything worth buying, with the stipulation that she would deduct the cost of having the expendable parts hauled off to the dump from whatever she would pay him. Jess had agreed and called for a tow, and the driver had been willing to give them a lift back to Stars Hollow along with the car.
They entered the diner around nine o'clock, just as the early morning breakfast rush was winding down but before the weekend brunch crowd arrived. Luke was refilling coffee cups at one end of the counter and looked up with a smile as they entered. Jess nodded to Luke as they walked over, taking empty seats at the opposite end of the counter. Luke walked over. "Hey guys, how did it go? How did it feel to finally drive on a real road, Kirk?"
Luke's smile faded as he took in the serious look on his nephew's face and watched Kirk turn to look at Jess instead of answering his question. "What's up? Did something happen?"
Since Kirk was looking at him like a scared puppy, Jess figured he should be the one to tell Luke. "Something did happen, Luke, but no one was hurt, so it's nothing to freak out about, ok?"
"No one's going to freak out, Jess. Just tell me what happened. Did something happen to your car? Oh my god, you got into an accident, didn't you? Are you guys ok?"
"Yeah, we're good. We got into a little fender bender with a tree. And my car didn't make it out as unscathed as Kirk and I did. I had it towed to Gypsy's and she confirmed that it's a goner." Jess spoke the next sentence slowly and with extra emphasis. "But, the important thing is that we're both ok." From Jess' tone of voice, it was clear to Luke that he was downplaying the accident because Kirk had been driving and he wanted Luke to do the same.
"Oh, uh, ok. Well, I'm glad you're both ok. Accidents happen. And it's no great loss. That car was on its last legs anyway."
Jess nodded in agreement as he watched Kirk stare wordlessly at the countertop in front of him, a nervous expression on his face. "That is true."
"I wasn't really excited about the idea of you driving my great-nephew around in that thing anyway. It never seemed safe to me. And it broke down on you on the way home from Walmart that time last year. Remember that?"
"I do. That was very inconvenient."
"You're telling me. I had to go out and pick you up in the middle of the night."
"Uh, it was like eleven-thirty. You know that's not the middle of the night to most people over the age of eight, right?"
"My point is that car wasn't reliable. It was only a matter of time until you had to get a new one anyway."
Jess nodded, keeping an eye on Kirk, who still hadn't looked up and joined the conversation. "I can't argue with you there."
"And it was such an ugly piece of junk. It probably would have scared the baby anyway."
"All right!" Jess scowled at his uncle for going overboard. "We get it."
"You guys sure you're ok? Nothing hurts? You didn't hit your heads, or anything did you? You could have a concussion, you know, and not even realize it?"
"I'm ok. I'm a little sore from where the seat belt bit into my neck, but I'm ok. And I didn't hit my head, so a concussion seems very unlikely."
"You sure you're good, Jess?" Luke reached out the hand that wasn't holding the coffee pot and laid the back of it against Jess' forehead.
Jess jerked his head away. "Stop! What are you doing?"
"Just making sure you're all right."
"You don't get a fever from a car accident. I'm fine. Seriously. Keep your hands to yourself."
Luke frowned at Jess and turned to the other boy. "What about you, Kirk? Are you sure you're ok?"
Kirk looked up at Luke, his expression serious and determined, despite the fear lingering in his eyes. "I am physically ok, Luke. Thank you for asking." He took a deep breath in and let it back out. "I need to tell you that I'm the one who was driving when we crashed. A cat ran across the road and I swerved to avoid it and hit a tree. It's my fault that Jess' car is wrecked and that Jess himself was in danger. I'm so very sorry. You took me and Cat Kirk in when we had no one else in the world and I'm so grateful for that, and I'm so sorry to have let you down like this."
Jess felt nothing but love for his uncle as he watched Luke offer the anxious boy next to him a warm smile and comforting words. "Kirk, hey, it's ok. Sometimes these things happen. You can't always control everything and sometimes an accident is just an accident. They happen to the best of us. It's not like you were doing anything wrong. You really shouldn't feel guilty about it." Jess felt a warmness in his chest at Luke's kindness. Jess hadn't been on the receiving end of a lot of compassion from the men in his life before Luke, and he was determined to treat his own kid better than he was treated as a kid. He was going to be all about patience and empathy with his son. He was grateful that he got to have Luke as an example before he became a father, and he was thankful that his son would have Luke as a grandpa-type person in his own life.
Kirk nodded. "Thank you for saying that, Luke. Jess has been very nice about everything, too. But, I do still feel guilty. It's really hard not to."
Luke turned to Jess. "Hey Jess, why don't you go punch in and wash up and start refilling water glasses and clearing tables?"
"Uh, yeah, sure." Jess was thrown by the abruptness of his dismissal. He got up and clapped a hand on Kirk's shoulder. "You really were doing a great job driving before the whole crashing into a tree thing. You should know that. Don't let this make you doubt your skills. Ok?"
Kirk gave Jess a small smile. "Ok, Jess. Thanks. I appreciate that."
Jess nodded and headed into the back to punch in. Once he was gone, Luke turned to Kirk and lowered his voice. "Can I let you in on a little secret?"
Kirk nodded solemnly.
"I was planning on buying Jess a new car before the baby's born anyway. I really do think he needs something more reliable to drive his kid around in, you know. I have Gypsy keeping an eye out for used cars for me and there have been a few I've been interested in so far. I kept holding off buying one because I wasn't sure how Jess would take it. You know how stubborn he can be. But, now I think he'll fight me a lot less on accepting a car from me."
"Oh."
Luke looked at Kirk closely, and saw the apprehension in his eyes. "Kirk, I don't want you to beat yourself up over this. I know it's hard when you feel bad about something. But just know that we both still care about you very much. And we're happy that you're staying with us and that we've gotten to know you so much better over the past few months. You're practically family now. You and Cat Kirk both. A totaled car isn't going to change any of that. You know that, right?"
Luke saw Kirk's eyes get damp before the boy had time to lower his gaze. Kirk nodded slowly, staring down at the counter for a moment, before composing himself enough to make eye contact. "Thank you, Luke. I appreciate you saying that. I really don't know what I would have done without you and Jess after what happened with my mom…" Kirk paused. "I just know I'm really grateful I didn't have to find out."
Luke smiled. "I am, too, Kirk. Hey, you want breakfast? It sounds like you could use some smiley-face blueberry pancakes this morning. What do you say?"
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A week later, Luke found himself looking around the smallest studio apartment he had ever been in. Kirk had recently widened his apartment search beyond Stars Hollow, and had found this listing right away. He had already submitted a rental application, but the owner had requested that he get a co-signer since he was so young and had no real credit history. Luke had been willing to co-sign, but he had wanted to check out the place first to make sure it was decent enough and that Kirk wasn't getting taken advantage of. So far, he wasn't impressed. The area wasn't great. Luke knew it wasn't fair to compare other places to Stars Hollow, but he just didn't get a good feeling from this neighborhood. And, Kirk would have to walk about half a mile to get to the bus that would take him to Stars Hollow for work every day, which would be fine most of the year, but not much fun during the long winter months. And the apartment itself felt claustrophobic even to a man who currently shared a one room apartment with two teenage boys. The space would pretty much just fit a single bed, maybe a small nightstand and Cat Kirk's litter box. And a few steps from the bed was the kitchen area of the room, which featured a hot plate on the counter in lieu of an oven or stove, and could only accommodate the smallest of mini-fridges. Luke knew that people sometimes had to live like this, especially when they were young and just starting out, even though he himself had gone from his parents' house to the apartment over the diner without ever needing to live in a rental, but he found this apartment extremely depressing. He remembered what the price range had been for some of the nicer apartments that he had looked at when Jess had first moved in with him, so he understood that this apartment was all Kirk could afford. But, he didn't like it. The idea of Kirk alone in this little closet of a room heating up his dinner on a hot plate in a town where no one knew him upset Luke more than he expected. His original plan had been to help Kirk get an apartment, and he still wanted to, eventually. Kirk certainly couldn't live with him forever. The apartment was already starting to feel crowded with all the baby stuff Jess had been buying and Luke hadn't even brought the crib home from Bud and Maisy's yet. He knew they couldn't go on like they were. But, he didn't like this for Kirk. Not one bit. It wasn't the right place for him.
The worst part was that he didn't think Kirk really wanted to live in this apartment either. Up until the boy had crashed Jess' car, he had only been looking at ads for apartments in the Stars Hollow Gazette, and with Stars Hollow being such a small town, there were only a few postings for apartments a month, and Kirk usually found himself priced out or rejected due to lack of credit or because he said something strange to put the realtor off. In the week since the crash, Kirk had been making himself scarce around the apartment. And when he was there, he seemed quieter and more subdued. He had come to Luke yesterday asking if he would co-sign on his lease, and when Luke questioned the location of the apartment, Kirk had surprised him by telling him that he had broadened his search all the way to Hartford. Luke looked over at Kirk, who was looking out the one tiny window with his arms hanging by his sides and a glum look on his face.
The realtor walked back into the apartment from retrieving the lease that she had forgotten in her car, and the room felt instantly more oppressive to Luke with a third person in it. "Well, gentlemen, have we made a decision? What do you think, Dad, are you ready to co-sign the lease?"
Luke saw Kirk open his mouth, probably to correct the realtor on her assumption regarding their relationship, but Luke cut him off before he could get anything out. "No."
The realtor's smile faltered momentarily. "No? As in you have more questions that I can answer for you before you sign? If you're worried about the kitchen situation, I'm pretty sure I can get the owner to throw in a microwave. It would have to be a small one, but-."
"No, I'm not co-signing. Kirk isn't living here. I'm sorry we wasted your time." Luke turned to Kirk. "Let's go, Kirk."
"But, this place is fine, Luke. It's in my price range and it has everything I need-"
"No, Kirk, it's not fine. I said let's go. Now. We can talk about this in the truck." Luke nodded at the realtor and thanked her as he walked out of the apartment, Kirk hurrying to catch up like a confused puppy.
They drove in silence for a while. It wasn't until they were a couple of miles from the apartment that it occurred to Luke that he may have overstepped, and possibly even embarrassed the boy. It wasn't the right apartment for Kirk. He was sure of that. The kid shouldn't be alone in a dreary place like that when he was already depressed about his mother's death. Luke was surprised to feel something in his heart clench when he thought about Kirk crying in the middle of the night alone in that apartment. But, it was possible that he hadn't handled things as well as he could have. He knew he needed to talk to Kirk about it, and the car was as good a place as any for an awkward conversation since he would have a reason not to make eye contact, but he wasn't sure how to start. If he had just treated Jess like that, he knew he'd already be getting an earful of attitude from the boy about it. But, Kirk wasn't Jess.
"Hey, Kirk. Uh, I'm sorry if I was kind of a dick at that apartment just now. I didn't mean to be. I just didn't think that place was good enough for you. It was depressing, and I hated the idea of you living there. I'm not in any rush for you to move out, neither is Jess, so it's not like you have to take the first place that will accept you. You can wait and be a little picky. Or at least a little pickier than that place. Ok?"
Kirk looked toward Luke with an expressionless face. "Luke, I know that it wasn't the greatest place and it probably wasn't what you pictured. It isn't really what I pictured either. But, it's what I can afford. I may never be able to get a nice apartment in Stars Hollow. And, I know you're too kind to say anything, but I also know that I should move out before the baby is born. There won't be room for me, then. I understand that. I would be overstaying my welcome at that point, and I don't want to do that. Not after everything you've done for me. I already feel badly about what I did to Jess' car. Very badly. You two are the best friends I've ever had. And, I want to be a good friend to you, too. And I think the most helpful thing I can do is to give you both more space for the baby."
"Kirk, don't worry about the car. No one blames you for the accident. And, yeah, it will definitely be tight quarters when Jess has the baby. But, we'll make it work. That doesn't mean you need to go."
Kirk nodded. "That's exactly what it means, Luke. When you first took me in, it was supposed to be for a few nights or a couple of weeks. That was in February. Now it's May and you're no closer to getting rid of me than you were then. And in a couple of months you'll need the extra space for the baby. It's time for me to go."
"Kirk, don't say it like that. I don't want to get rid of you."
"Maybe not, but you do need to."
"I don't want you moving into a place like the one we just saw. I won't be ok with that. That room felt like a sad little jail cell. And I really think you'll be more comfortable if you stay in Stars Hollow. I know it's more expensive, but what if I helped with your rent at first, so you could get a better place?"
"I would never let you do that, Luke. You've done more than enough for me already. I'm an adult and I need to start taking care of myself."
"Well, maybe you could get roommates or something and split the cost? I bet you could afford something in Stars Hollow that way. And you wouldn't be by yourself. I just…I don't want you to be away from us, and lonely."
"I have thought about getting roommates. But, I don't think it would go well. I'm not that good at being around people. Experience has taught me that I usually make people uncomfortable and that makes them not like me and not want me around. And most people aren't as subtle about not wanting me around as they think they are, even the ones that try to be nice, and I usually just end up feeling bad. So, I think I would feel less lonely in a tiny apartment by myself than I would sharing a better apartment with roommates."
"Kirk, it's not true that people don't like you! I've always liked you, from the time you were a little kid. And, so does Jess. And that guy hardly likes anyone. And we like having you around. A lot. And Shane likes you, and so does Rory. And Shane's mom. She even told me what a sweet kid she thinks you are."
"Thanks, Luke. That's nice of you to say. But, you guys are the exception. Especially you and Jess. No one else has ever liked me as much as you guys do except for my mom. Even after I crashed Jess' car, you were both willing to forgive me and still be my friends. That's why I need to move out, before I ruin that by doing something else stupid or by being in the way."
"Kirk, you're not…"
"Luke, it's ok. Really. You've done so much for me. But, I think it's time for me to go. Can we please stop talking about it now? It's making me sad." Kirk looked away from Luke and focused his gaze out the passenger window.
Luke sighed. He wished he could solve the space problem the same way he had for Jess. But there was no way to expand his current apartment any further. And Kirk was right. They were running out of space. And Kirk should have a real bed of his own. Luke knew sleeping on that old couch night after night couldn't be comfortable. He could only think of one thing that he could do to solve the space problem. But, as much as he had thought about it in the past few months, as much as he liked the idea in theory, he still couldn't picture himself actually doing it. He was so bad at change.
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That night, Luke woke up to the sound of Kirk quietly crying and sniffling for the first time since the night of the crash. He got out of bed slowly and headed for the bathroom first. When he came back out, Jess and Kirk were sitting at the kitchen table and Jess was dealing out hands for gin rummy. "You in, Luke? I dealt you a hand."
Luke smiled and sat down at the table. He watched Jess and Kirk pick up their cards and move them around to organize their hands. Cat Kirk leapt up on the table and curled up next to Luke's arm. He reached over and pet her under her chin. He'd long ago given up trying to keep her off the table. He looked around at his little makeshift family of two teenage boys and one cat, and smiled.
"So, I think I'm gonna buy a house."
All three heads turned in his direction.
