Author's Note: Well, shit. This was just supposed to be a filler chapter between The Date and the next one, but... This story has a life of its own, I swear. Oh well. All for the better, I guess, I'm really happy with how it turned out.
dorydafish: Longer review? I love your review! LOL, I'm a little fond of Blaine too, because, well, Darren. And the swings, yeah *clears throat*. And Kurt was really hoping for that kind of reaction ;D Hope you like this one!
LizzyPoodle: Awww, you really liked that? I just love that image of Kurt opening his mom's drawer to smell her perfume, makes me all warm and teary deep inside *_*
: I love Blaine as a friend to Kurt, so thank you! And they are feeling to much, it's bound to overflow... partly in this chapter. Fresh Dave/Santana for you! =P
awkward innuendo: Being evil is so rewarding. I love jerking them around LOL
"Now this is what I call a reasonable time to wait before calling someone."
"Yeah, yeah. Hi, Kurt."
"Why do you do that?"
"What?"
"Well, greet me like that all the time. It's like English for Foreigners 101."
"What being polite? Being nice?"
"Don't get snappy. It's just… odd."
"Thought you liked nice people, that's all."
"I do, but – oh, never mind. How are you today, David?"
"Fine, thank you, Kurt. And you?"
"Never better. I hadn't slept so well in a long time."
"Huh. So, hum, no mermaid nightmares?"
"None whatsoever."
"Really."
"I might have kept my night-light on just in case."
"Chicken."
"You should just marry one if you like them so much."
"Nah, mermaids are just for practice. By the way, jealous much?"
"Practice?"
"Deflecting, Fancy?"
"Yes, I'm the real deflector here."
"What do you mean?"
"Fine, David, be like that."
"Like what?"
"Like – Uhgh!"
"Like 'uhgh'? How can you be 'uhgh'?"
"Just be your usual obnoxiously thick-headed self and you'll do fine."
"Is this the time when I should hang up and let you have your morning meds?"
"More like your morning meds. In fact, I think you might have missed your weekly prescription entirely."
"Hum. Did you eat breakfast? Coach Beiste once totally made Donovan cry after he missed a pass 'cause of low blood sugar."
"Whatever."
"What's this, Twilight Zone?"
"I – Uhgh!"
"Getting a little PMS'ing there, Fancy?"
"And why do you call me that? I do have a name! What, would you prefer it if I called you Caveman all the time? And, by the way, I could never PMS since I'm not a fucking girl!"
"Kurt."
"What!"
"Look, I'm gonna hang up now, okay? I'll call you after lunch. Get your coffee and have one of those triple chocolate chip cookies."
"Don't patronize me, Karofsky!"
"Bye, Kurt."
"Don't you dare!"
"…"
"You little –"
"…"
"See if I pick up."
"…"
"Just watch me ignoring you."
"…"
"…"
"I have a life, you know?"
"Come on, , can you like, cut the high bitch act for five minutes?"
"Aww, did Doll Face bust your nuts a little too hard?"
"Christ, what is it with people today? Is there like eau de bitch in the fucking water or what?"
"Just my natural charm, Bear McStud."
"Right."
"Go on, tell Auntie Tana what's eating up your gay little soul."
"'S just Kurt. Again. Fuck."
"Like I didn't know."
"Shit. It's like I can't do anything right, y'know? I'm an asshole and jump him – he changes schools. I'm nice and all 'hands off' – he fucking screeches my head off. Fuck my fucking life, seriously."
"Okay, you listen now, and you listen good, 'cause I'm gonna be your fucking Fairy Godmother now and never again, Hairball. Did Kurt tell you, specifically, 'hands off'?"
"I don't know, I think pushing me off and, right, fucking transferring might have been some sort of signal, but hey, I could be wrong."
"I can't believe this. Are you seriously giving me attitude right now?"
"Fuck it, Santana, I know he doesn't want this, okay? I'm not fucking blind."
"No, you're just really fucking dumb."
"Right. I'm calling Britt instead. Will probably get better advice from her."
"She thinks Kurt is secretly half-unicorn, but go ahead. You wanna ride him, so."
"Fuck. You."
"Sweetie, you couldn't even if you grew two straight dicks."
"…"
"You know, that may work on that Kurt blow-up doll I know keeps you company in your cozy little closet, but it damn sure isn't working for me."
"Can you just – I can't fucking deal with your crazy right now."
"Why'd you call me then?"
"'Cause – I'm going out of my fucking mind here, Tana. Shit, he's not even taking my calls anymore."
"I'm just gonna take a calming breath here, 'cause you sound pathetic enough for a breakdown alert. Okay then, let's have it."
"We went out last night."
"Clock's ticking, Big Foot. I know, remember? You wouldn't stop gushing about it like a pre-teen girl on X long enough to fix my cable."
"Yeah, so, it's all going great, he yells at me a bit but it's fine 'cause it's hot on him, and we watch the goddamn movie and he's just completely spaced out, but that's fine, I think he was just freaking out over the mermaids –"
"The underwater colony for lesbian serial-killers?"
"… right. Anyway, everything's cool, and we're having fun, at least I think he was having fun, and it's fucking awesome – and then Blaine shows up."
"What, Kurt's Blaine?"
"No, the fucking president's Blaine."
"Attitude, Navel-fluff. Watch it."
"He just showed up out of nowhere, alright, like one of those fucking leprechauns, and he's all 'Kurt and I broke up like ages ago, so he' just been stringing you along, ha fucking ha' –"
"Wait, Kurt and Blazer-twink broke up?"
"Guess so."
"So you've been babbling your mouth off on the phone with me while the boy that you've chasing around on all fours for like, months now, is single? Dios mío, Karofsky, you huge girl."
"You don't get it –"
"Oh, I get it. I get it just fine. But, okay, let's just watch that ship sail away and chat. While we're young, if you don't mind."
"It's not like I can just get on the fucking ship, you know?"
"Of course you can't."
"Fuck you, Lopez, I'm serious!"
"Who said I wasn't? The boy's been talking to you for weeks, right, probably spending your weight in gold in phone bills. He agreed to go out with you. He dumped his gay pride parade leader of a boyfriend. It's straight up 'back off' behavior."
"It's not like that, you're twisting everything –"
"How is it, then? Tell Auntie like it is."
"We went out as friends, okay?"
"Sweetie pie, there's no such thing."
"What, just 'cause we're both… you know, we can't be –"
"Hey, ho, hold your carthorses, Mr. Tummus. You know, maybe it is better if you leave Kurt alone. If you can't say it then you sure can't do it."
"What?"
"The gay, Jockstrap. If you wanna do the gay –"
"Dude, I'm home, okay? 'S not like I can just – my dad or my mom could hear."
"But it's fine if they listen to you gush about how you wanna hump Kurt like a bitch in heat?"
"I just don't – I don't want them to –"
"Right. You know what? I think you're better off with my plan. Meet a nice girl, make sure she's thick as dried up concrete, have a bunch of drunken night babies and discover the glory in glory-hole. Lay off Kurt."
"Now you tell me that?"
"He's not for you. He's in a whole other level, Davey, and you can't keep up with him."
"Like you're one to talk."
"I'm not the one panting and drooling two steps behind Mr. Sweet Cheeks."
"No, but you've got Britt."
"No, I really don't."
"Shit, Tana, I –"
"I don't need your pity party, Karofsky, you mope enough for the two of us. I'm fine with my ten-year plan of finding a big bushy beard and becoming a gym coach in an all-girls private school."
"You're mental."
"No, I'm rational. I'm real. I'm not ready to come out, don't know if I'll ever be. And you're not, either."
"I – you don't know that."
"You can't even say it."
"I can say it just fine, okay? But it's not really how I want my family to find out about it."
"You can't. Kurt wants a real man, not a scared little boy who's this close to pissing himself in panic of people finding him out."
"Fuck. You. Lopez!"
"That's it, yell at me, like the big man you are, aren't you, so special. Not."
"You don't know shit about my fucking life!"
"Oh, please. Like your life is that different from all the other sad closet-cases with a sob-story."
"Shut the fuck up!"
"You think you're special just because Kurt made you his pity-case? Get out, you're just every bit as ordinary and pathetic as the rest of us, so gay for Hummel that you've almost jerked your dick raw thinking of him, and you can't even say it –"
"I'm gay, okay! I'm fucking gay, happy now, I'm fucking gay for Kurt and for dick, so you can just suck it, Santana, just fucking suck it, 'cause you're gonna die alone and miserable, and I'm not, 'cause I'm fucking gay and I'm not a fucking pity-case!"
"Nice. That's the thanks I get for being such a Mother Theresa for the homosexual."
"…"
"Karofsky?"
"…"
"What, did you pass out or something? Got the vapors?"
"Hum, huh, sorry, Tana, I gotta go. I'll call you later, 'kay?"
"What? What just happened? Dave?"
"My – my mom. She – she heard me."
"Oh, fuck!"
"Yeah. I – I gotta go."
"Shit."
"…"
"Hum. Good luck, I guess."
"…"
"…"
"… Kurt?"
"Dave? I've been calling you for hours!"
"Yeah, I –sorry."
"Don't worry, I'm just glad you're – are you alright?"
"I – I don't know."
"Santana –"
"She told you?"
"She called me yesterday at one in the morning, nearly hyperventilating because she couldn't talk to you and she said – she said your mother heard you –"
"Yeah. Fucking chick can't hold her fucking mouth shut."
"She was scared for you, Dave. You couldn't tell right away, because, well, it's Santana, but she was honestly worried."
"She should be. All her fucking fault, anyway."
"But what – what happened? Your parents –"
"Didn't kick me out, or anything, so you can cut the drama."
"Well, forgive me for being worried about you!"
"Yeah, like you care so much."
"What are you talking about?"
"Nothing. I'm fine, I'm not homeless, you can put your caring little heart at ease, now. The closet-case pity-project is going fucking swell."
"What are you – no, we're deviating. I'm honestly relieved that you seem to be more or less whole and still with a roof over your head, but you have to tell me, Dave. I don't dare guessing right now, and Santana wouldn't tell me anything, She was barely coherent, just a lot of Spanish and you know I took French."
"There's nothing to tell."
"Of course there is, David!"
"…"
"Dave?"
"…"
"Oh, wonderful. And here was I thinking we had finally gotten past that."
"…"
"I should kill you for making me worry so much."
"…"
"…"
"Oh, thank god, Dave!"
"… hi, Kurt."
"Hi. I never thought I'd be so happy to hear you say that."
"So, huh, you're not mad?"
"No, David, I'm not mad. In fact, I'm way past mad at this point, I got past 'mad' miles ago, and I was just about to exit on 'Hatter-Crazy' when you called."
"Huh."
"Do you know how many times I got in my car fully intending to drive to your house?"
"I –"
"Fifteen. I even got Finn to tag along, just to make sure I could get there faster without getting lost in the way. I was seven times halfway up my street before I drove back, scared of just making everything worse!"
"You're such a drama queen."
"Don't fucking laugh at me!"
"What – shit, Fancy, are you crying?"
"N-no!"
"Yes – yes you are, God, don't do this, come on, I'm not fucking worth that, Jesus –"
"Just. Shut up, Karofsky."
"... okay."
"You have no fucking idea, do you, of how worried I was, with Santana calling me every five minutes, and you hanging up on me last night, and Finn running around like a headless fucking chicken, and I couldn't talk to you, I didn't know how you were, and I couldn't just go see you, and I care, alright, I fucking care, because your no one's pet-project, you're my friend, and I was worried sick over you, so don't you go calling me a fucking drama queen, because you have . No. Goddam. Right."
"…"
"Got it? Have you got it, David?"
"Y-yeah."
"What?"
"Y-yes! Yes, I've got it, you're – you're pissed and you're right and you're – you were worried about me."
"Hmm. That'll have to do."
"Can I just – I just need to hang up for a while, okay? I'll – I'll call you, I promise."
"No, David, don't –"
"Just fifteen minutes, okay? I – I promise."
"David, I swear to whatever, I swear on my mother's grave, alright, if you don't call me in fifteen minutes, I don't care if I end up in the hospital after, but I'll do my damned best to beat the living shit out of you."
"I – sure, fifteen minutes, I'll – I'll call you."
"Okay, then. As long as we're clear."
"Fucking crystal. Just –"
"Go."
"Okay."
"If you're hanging up to go play Halo with one of your football buddies I'll be having your old baseball cards for breakfast with my cereal."
"…"
"Blaine was never this much trouble."
"…"
"…"
"Dave. Hi."
"Hi, Kurt. Did I – I'm on time right?"
"On ti – oh, god, I – yes, of course, David, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have… exploded at you, I was just, well, a bit out of sorts. But you certainly didn't need that. Are you okay?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I – I think I am. Just went out for a run."
"A run?"
"I needed to… sort things out. In my head. Fresh air, and all."
"Oh, I get it. Dancing usually does that for me."
"Yeah."
"So, do you – I'll understand if you don't, after that scene –"
"Fancy, don't. God, don't, I – thank you. I needed that, okay?"
"No, you really didn't need my drama –"
"I like your drama. I want your drama."
"Oh…"
"I mean –"
"I –"
"Shit. Sorry, you go."
"No, you were first –"
"Really, it's nothing –"
"No, I – oh, for the sake of Macy spring sales, what are we even doing?"
"Fuck if I know."
"Alright. I would honestly like you to tell me what happened, David. First with Santana and then with your parents – if you want to, that is."
"Yeah."
"Really? Because you don't have to if you don't want to."
"I do. You deserve to know, Fancy."
"O-okay. Thank you."
"Right. So, huh, Santana. I called her the day before yesterday, 'cause I needed to – talk to her about something. Something –"
"You only tell me what you want me to know, Dave. Please."
"Okay. So, something. And then we were talking and she was just bitchy like always so, not fine, but normal."
"Go on."
"And then… I said something, I mean, I wouldn't say something and she just fucking flipped her shit."
"Yes?"
"I wouldn't say I was… gay. I'm – fuck I'm… gay. I'm gay."
"Oh, David…"
"Don't go getting all emotional, okay? 'S just –"
"A huge-ass step forward, Dave."
"You have got to stop hanging around me."
"I know. It's death on my vocabulary. Yesterday, I told Finn that Master Chef was 'the shit'."
"… seriously?"
"Stop laughing, this is very serious."
"You're so fucking cu–"
"What?"
"Nothing."
"You were clearly going to say some –"
"Yeah, so, she flipped out and started fucking attacking me, fucking coming at me with everything, pulling all goddamn stops. And I told her to cut it the fuck out, 'cause my parents were home and I didn't wanna say it where they could hear me, get it?"
"Yes, of course."
"But she just kept going and going and fucking yapping my ear off and I – Jesus, I fucking snapped, Kurt."
"What did you –"
"Forget about my parents, I bet the whole goddamn street knows I'm gay by now. Shit, it starts coming out easy, doesn't it?"
"Like you wouldn't believe. I'm so – Dave there are no words for how proud I am right now."
"Awww."
"Don't deflect. I am."
"Don't know why. 'S not like I planned it, or anything. 'Sides, it's not even that big a deal."
"Not that big – David, are you in shock? Traumatized? Don't you honestly see what this is? It's like you just opened the door to a whole new world in front of you, a whole new life. Forget about people at school, or anyone else, are you listening to yourself? This is – this is amazing, Dave, no, this is – a revelation!"
"Gotta hand it to you, Fancy. You always know how to make the most of the moment."
"Oh, shut up. Fine, you just fully came out to yourself, just accepted your sexuality aloud for the first time, but it's no big deal. Just your sense of identity, that's all."
"Hey, don't label me. There's more to me than being gay, y'know? Always wanted to drive one of those one-horse carriages they always show at the Central Park."
"And I'm sure you'll be splendid at it. You will finally have a being with whom you might converse on the same level of intelligence."
"Ouch, Fancy. You were doing so well, all sweetness and 'hallelujahs'."
"See if I do it again, you ungrateful prat."
"Who said anything about ungrateful, huh? Seriously, you're just what I needed."
"I – I am?"
"S-sure. Like, y'know, this feels fucking huge, but my parents were kinda anticlimactic about it."
"In a good way?"
"I guess. We just sat down at the table and talked. They were so fucking calm."
"What did they say?"
"They asked if I was sure, if it wasn't just, y'know, confusion, and if anyone at school knew about it."
"And you?"
"I said I was like 110% sure. Fuck, you have no idea how much research I did, hoping I was one of those bi-curious types, or even just plain bi, 'cause that would mean I got to choose, right?"
"I – I've done a little research myself, and I don't think it really works like that, but I get your point."
"Right. So I told them that, and told them Santana knew and my mom just gave me this look, like she would give me after catching me with cookie crumbles all over my clothes."
"Really? I knew the bearding was a bit over the top, but I'm liking your mother better by the second."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Santana, and then I said you and my dad gives me this fucking nod, and what the fuck did that even mean, think they were just jerking me around, waiting for me to slip up and tell them?"
"Well."
"What?"
"My father knew before I told him."
"Huh –"
"Oh, go ahead, I've been told that my closet was a little on the transparent side."
"Nope, not saying a word. I learn my lessons."
"Good to know. And then?"
"That was it. They just sent me to bed, after. Thank God Alex was asleep the whole time."
"That was it? Nothing else?"
"Huh – they kinda hugged me?"
"'Kinda'?"
"Fine, we had our very own home-made Kodak moment, calm your shit. My mom was totally gonna start crying, but I just told her to cut it out, 's not the fucking end of the world."
"I –"
"Yeah?"
"Oh, god, there's – no words, Dave, you are –"
"Look, it fucking is, okay, I know that. I just didn't want her crying over me or my sorry-ass future. So don't go getting all proud as fuck on me again."
"I'ts not. Dave, please, just trust me on this."
"I don't know how you can even say that."
"Why?"
"Why? Kurt, you had to fucking transfer all because a psychotic asshole, me, alright, said he'd kill you if you told anyone he had fucking assaulted you!"
"Now who's the drama queen here?"
"Fuck, Kurt –"
"Please, Dave, don't. I know what you did. I was there, remember? And no, it wasn't the brightest spot in my downcast days, but I'm here, aren't I?"
"Don't rightly know how the fuck that happened."
"To be honest, neither do I. But it did. And I'm not – I don't regret it."
"So what, you'd just go through me bullying you again if it meant –"
"Being able to talk to you now? Knowing you? Having your friendship? In a heartbeat, David."
"You – you're mental, Fancy."
"Maybe a little."
"No, really, you're just insane right now, okay? I'm almost giving up talking to you, 'cause you stopped making sense like five exits ago."
"Well, you're not the most rational, level-headed of creatures either, so I guess we're evenly matched."
"You guess. He guesses."
"So. Your parents are… fine with this, then?"
"Yeah. 'S a bit awkward still, but my mom – God, we were having breakfast this morning, right, and I just asked her to pass the toast and, guess what, she just fucking blurts out 'So, have you seen any guys you think are cute yet?'"
"Ohmygod. Oh my god, David, oh my god, I can't –"
"No, seriously! I mean, is she for fucking real?"
"Oh, shit, I think I cracked a rib, oh my god –"
"And then my dad starts making these signs with his hands and trying to be, y'know, discreet about it, and my mom's just looking at me, and I realize she's really fucking expecting an answer so I say 'Gee, mom, the quarterback is just dreamy, can I bring him home to meet you guys?" and, can you fucking believe this, she starts nodding and my dad fucking cracks and then we can barely get our shit together to finish eating."
"…"
"You're totally gonna bust something you might need later, y'know?"
"I can't even – holy heavenly Coco, Dave, what is wrong with our parents, really –"
"Not a goddamn clue."
"My dad – oh god, air – my dad gave me these pamphlets about gay sex a while ago, you should have seen him, he was mortified, and I wasn't any better, but he just pulled through. Once the suicidal embarrassment was over, I was even a little proud."
"Hum. Nice pamphlets?"
"They're mine. You go get your informational soft-core porn yourself."
"I could always ask my mom."
"Your mom – oh god, your mom and my dad should get together someday. They could have a cup of commiseration coffee down at the Lima Bean."
"Yeah, 'cause it worked so well the last time you tried that."
"What – oh. Well, at the time it worked out perfectly for me."
"I bet."
"Hmm, brooding again?"
"Why would I be?"
"I don't know. You tell me."
"I – hum. So. I should tell Santana. Call off the search team, or something."
"I guess you should."
"Right, so –"
"I get to hang up now!"
"Christ, Fancy, watch the sound barrier!"
"Sorry. But I totally do."
"Fine, go ahead. Knock yourself out."
"Bye, Dave, I'll call you."
"You don't have to."
"… seriously?"
"Kidding. Talk to you tomorrow?"
"If I'm feeling like it."
"As you wish."
"That – is that – forget it."
"What?"
"No, it's just – I thought I remembered something but – leave it. Goodbye, Dave."
"Bye, Kurt."
"…"
"Tomorrow. Right. Santana now."
"…"
"I'm so fucking in love with you, Kurt."
"…"
"…"
Author's Note 2.0: Santana blew me right out of the water with this, Jesus. I like it when characters surprise me, but WHOA. And Kurt, too. He's getting mouthy.