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To Cheryl, thanks always, for listening and reading.

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Chapter IX: A Time to Get, and a Time to Lose

I love Dean more than anything. I really do. He's my big brother and he's awesome and there are times when I love him so much I feel like my heart is going to burst from it.

And then… There are other times.

Like that drive.

Gabriel's visit seemed to have done something to Dean. He was sullen, the silence now more tension than peace. As soon as we were in the car he ordered me to rest, but then he turned the music up loudly enough that I was pretty sure there were people all the way in California who could hear it.

"Dean," I protested, fumbling at the wiring and lowering the volume without thinking too much about it.

"Dude, do you have to do that?" Dean hissed. "This is bad enough without you using that freaky spirit mojo on stuff."

"Sorry," I muttered, sensing the first signs of Dean throwing a tantrum.

This wasn't going to be a fun drive.

"How, Sam?" Dean demanded, glaring at the road like it had done him an injury. "How does something like this happen every single time? And when did Gabriel do this?"

I sighed. "When we argued and I went out to get some fresh air – that was when he offered me the deal. I said no. He came back when you were asleep."

"And you didn't think of waking me?"

"Dean, I had no idea what he was going to do. Even if I had woken you, there was nothing you could've done to stop him."

"Yeah, but still – why the hell do you always have to try to deal with everything on your own?"

"I didn't see the point of telling you until I knew what I was dealing with."

"Yeah?" Dean demanded, shooting me a sideways glance. "That so? Then why didn't you tell me about Gabriel's offer in the first place? I seem to remember spending that entire evening with you. You couldn't take two minutes to say, 'Dean, by the way, Gabriel tried to talk me into doing something stupid today.'?"

I paused. Why hadn't I told Dean about that?

"I didn't really think much of it," I said honestly. "He asked, I said no."

"And you thought that would be the end of it? Come on, Sam. I know you're not that stupid."

"I don't know, Dean!" I said. I was getting defensive, and that was just annoying me more. There was no need to be defensive. I wasn't a baby. "I just thought there was no point telling you anything until I knew what was going on. And it's not like you could've done anything about it! Gabriel was going to shove us here with or without your permission!"

"You know what? Screw you, Sam. This is the problem with you – always thinking Sam Winchester knows best."

"That's just stupid. You seriously expect me to report every single thing to you?"

"Why not? Dave does. Worries me a lot less than you do."

That stopped me short. Of all the things I'd been expecting – and given that when we argue Dean and I both tend to say more than we mean, I'd been expecting a lot – I'd never thought I'd hear that. It was a second before I could even think about coming up with a retort, and by the time I did… I didn't really feel like going on with the argument.

"Fine," I said, crossing my arms. "I'm sure Gabriel will be happy that someone appreciates his efforts."

"Sam…" Dean hesitated. "You know I didn't mean it that way."

"Whatever you say, man," I muttered, not really in the mood to let Dean off the hook that easily. I was beyond tired, Dean seemed to think I was twelve, and it was all just too much.

"So… we good, then, bitch?"

I ignored the hopeful, almost pleading note in Dean's voice, although I knew I'd feel bad about it later. Whatever. I'd buy Dean some skin mags as an apology. "We're fine. Just drive."

I settled down against the window, trying to rest, ignoring Dean's hurt look.

For all of thirty seconds.

Then it got to me too much – and they say I can make Dean do anything I want? Dean ignores the hell out of me whenever he feels like it. But I try to give myself half a minute to think and Dean looks like I did a personal injury to his pet guinea pig.

Idiot.

I cursed, moved away from the window, and let my head rest on Dean's shoulder. (What? I was invisible to everyone but Dean. It's not like random passersby could see.)

"I can't drive like this," Dean growled.

"The hell you can't… Jerk."

I felt Dean sigh. "Sam, I didn't mean…"

"I know."

"But the fact still holds."

I shifted back. Weren't we done with the argument yet? Normally when the stupid things were said and we were both feeling a little guilty we just let the subject drop.

"What fact?" I asked. "That Dave doesn't worry you?"

"No. That you do. Damn it, Sam!" Dean pulled up onto the shoulder of the road. We were miles out of Lawrence by now, in the back of beyond. "Don't you get it? Look, I remember both lives, OK? Fully. The one from our world, and this one. Dave can take care of himself!"

"And I can't?"

"You don't. Sure you're bigger than most things that try to hurt you, and smarter, and probably stronger, too. But if you saw a werewolf limping, you'd probably try to go bandage its foot! You don't understand the way evil things work!"

"Dean. I had Lucifer in my head. I understand plenty."

"You're not hearing me, Sam. I –"

Dean's cell phone, ringing shrilly, cut him off. With a glance that told me the discussion wasn't over, he grabbed it and flipped it open. "Yeah?"

Two minutes later, we were driving back into Lawrence.

"Freaking Gabriel," Dean muttered. "I was only supposed to have to deal with the Apocalypse freaking once. Freaking – stupid – Archangel."

The Archangel Michael – the Prince of Angels, the symbol of righteousness, all that – had walked into an elementary school, corralled the first-graders into the gym, and given Dean and Dave six hours to say yes before he started blasting.

"Trouble, boys?"

Dean scowled at Gabriel where he'd just materialized in the backseat.

"Like you wouldn't imagine. What, you guys kill children now?"

"They'll all go straight to Heaven, Dean. A much better life awaits them than this lowly mortal plane."

"Dude," Dean growled.

At the same time, I said, "Are you defending –"

"No, Sammy. I'm not defending. I'm just pointing out the bright side of the situation. I've never been a fan of Michael's intimidation tactics. But big brothers do what they want, right, Dean?"

"Why are you here?" I asked, before Dean could reply. "Have you just come to gloat?"

"I've come to find out if you monkeys actually have a plan." He paused. "Because I can tell you one thing: going with guns blazing is just going to get you and those children killed."

"Well, what do you suggest we do? We don't have time to trick Lucifer into his Cage – and there's nobody to do it this time, anyway."

"There's David," Gabriel pointed out, smirking. Dean gave him a look, and he laughed. I frowned from one to the other: I felt like I was on the outside of some joke they were both sharing.

"What?"

"It's difficult to take over control from Lucifer, Sam," Dean said, staring at me like he was shocked I was even asking.

"Don't you think I know that?"

"No, Sammy. I don't mean difficult as in you have to put in everything you've got and it leaves you exhausted. I mean difficult as in it is not possible for people who aren't moody little bitches, just like walking up a vertical wall is not possible for people who aren't Spiderman." He reached out to ruffle my hair. "You're stronger than you know, kiddo."

"Please," Gabriel said. "Get a room."

"Send us back to our world and we will," Dean said.

"Nice try. I think I'm having too much fun to do that just yet, Dean. And, honestly, I'm curious… How do you think you're going to do this without Sam? And, I might add, without the rings? Sending my brothers downstairs isn't an option this time."

"You obviously have a plan, so why don't you share with the class?"

"Maybe later. I came to give you this – you're welcome to try your luck with it." He leaned forward, and one of the angel-killing swords dropped to the front seat between us.

"Why are you helping us?" Dean asked.

"What can I say, boys? I've put my money on you, and I don't like losing."

Dean waited for him to disappear before he turned to me. "It isn't that I don't trust you, Sam… I know you can take care of yourself. It's just…"

"What?"

"Dave… Man, he's a lot like me – no, let me finish. I don't have to worry about what he'll do, because usually it's what I'd do. I'm not saying it's always right, but because it's the same thing I'd do there's not a lot I can give him by way of helpful advice. And… it's not just that." He sighed. "I love him, but… You know, he's my brother. It's a normal sibling relationship."

"As opposed to ours?"

"Do you really need me to say it? You know I – you know how important you are to me, Sammy."

I sighed and nodded. I did know.

"You know," Dean said, "when I died here, I was gone for six months, not four. And when I came back… Dave was missing me, but he wasn't doing anything stupid. Just the job, and maybe trying for a little revenge on the side. But that was it."

"Thank you," I said a little bitterly. "Let me know when you think I've apologized enough for that."

"That's not my point, Sam. My point is that maybe it was stupid to trust Ruby but I understand now why you did it. Dave didn't do anything stupid because although he missed me, he wasn't out of his mind with grief. And if he were to say yes to Lucifer and walk into the Cage, it would tear me up, and I would do everything I could to bust him out – but I wouldn't feel like the sun had no right to shine anymore." He glared at me. "There. Are you happy now? We're a pair of girls."

"Just drive," I said.

Dean shut up. The silence actually lasted two whole minutes.

Then he said, "Sammy… We're going to have to tell people, you know."

"Tell whom? And tell them what?"

"About you. That you're here."

"Don't be ridiculous, Dean. I know Mom and Dad are hunters, but even for hunters this isn't exactly normal… They're going to think you're crazy. It's not like they can see me, and I don't know how to do whatever it is ghosts do to appear physically to people."

"We obviously can't tell them everything. But we've got to tell them something, Sam."

"Why?"

"Because you're going to be with us and we're probably going into a fight. I don't want someone to spot you on an infrared camera and shoot you with the Colt. This is just supposed to be temporary, but if something like that happens it might wind up being permanent."

"If we tell them, they might do it anyway."

"I won't let them. C'mon, Sammy… Trust me. I'll take care of it."

"But –"

"Sam, don't you trust me?"

"Fine," I grumbled. "Fine… But you'd better be right about this."

"Good. Now get some rest. I think this might be a long night."

I curled up against the window like I usually did, but that just made me feel every bump and jolt like an electric shock. I stood it for a minute. Then, deciding that after the miserable few days I'd had I was entitled to be a girl, I went back to leaning on Dean's shoulder.

Dean chuckled, told me I was an emo little bitch, and drove so smoothly that I didn't realize the car had stopped until he shook me and told me we were home.

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