AN: I did say by the end of the week, didn't I? You know that saying about how in order for things to get better, they have to get worse first? (Did I say any of that right, sorry guys, I'm nodding off here). Well, we're at our lowest. Now things will only improve :) Sorry for the delay, and I hop you like this!
"Does it hurt?"
"No…just…maybe don't put your arm like that…"
"Oh, sorry…"
"Thank you. Are you comfortable?"
"I'm good."
"You're not going to hurl this in my face in three more years?"
"I guess we'll see then."
"…Fine, then I'll just move ov—"
"C'mere" … "Are you giggling? Are you also twelve?"
"Yeah, keep playing the aloof persona, Al. I've got you—"
"You do."
"—all figured out. You're such a sap."
"Whatever." … "Stop looking at me like that."
"I like what you've done with the place."
"No, you don't."
"… Okay, I hate it."
"Kind of the reason I did it."
"Your own spatial 'fuck you', huh?"
"It was that or selling it."
"I'm sorry."
"I know." … "I'm sorry too."
"You are?"
"…I am."
"Are you sure you don't hate me?"
"I'm sure, kid."
"What time is it?"
And just like that, the spell was broken.
They had been lying in bed for a while now, re-accommodating themselves every few minutes, and the familiarity of their bodies moving accordingly had them in a daze for maybe more than they should have allowed themselves after everything that had come to light that night. Alex was the type of person that drops on bed and falls asleep at wish and she'd wake up in the exact same position. Piper on the other hand… was a bit messier. She could not, for the life of her, stay still for more than a few minutes which made Alex have to move too since they were completely tangled in each other. And every single time they settled into a new position, Alex earnestly asked, does it hurt? and Piper answered no before shifting one last time. They had been talking; after Piper calmed down, first in whispered cut short words, nonsenses, anything to justify Alex's roaming hands and Piper's still running tears, and then slowly gaining confidence. And Alex did what she did best: managed to make Piper laugh. It was all in the sake of kicking aside subjects that were too hard to discuss right away, but the second that question left Piper's lips, Alex knew they'd run out of time.
"You're not going back to him." It was authoritative and scared at the same time. They were facing each other now, Alex's hand over Piper's waist, the other under her chin, keeping her from turning away.
"I have to." She attempted to pull away because she knew she could never make Alex understand but she found herself locked in her embrace. She had to remind herself that this was Alex in order to will her heart to slow down. "Alex."
"You're not leaving. I'm not letting you go back to him, Piper." The fear in her tone remained; as if she knew she would not be able to keep Piper there by force of reason and the other option terrified her.
"Alex, I have to." She struggled in her place. "What time is it? Alex, please stop."
"Piper, look at me."
"No, let me go, I have to go."
"Pipes, I need you to look at me." Nothing. She could see she was starting to panic. "You have to look at me. Piper, kid, come on."
"What?" Even though she tried to sound challenging, it came out wavering and she clenched her teeth after. She needed to be strong, she needed to leave or Aaron would— he'd— Piper whimpered. It had taken so long for her to pull herself together and just manage to stop crying and here she was, losing control again. It scared her how easily she could feel herself unraveling under the tiniest of changes.
"Listen to me." Once she had Piper's attention again, she let her hand travel from her chin to her cheek gingerly but her words were fervent when she spoke. "You don't have to go back. You don't owe him anything. You can stay here. You can—"
"No, no. No, I can't. I have to go." She repeated and she was shaking her head, her eyes already brimming with tears.
"Why?" The question made Piper stop. Why? She never let herself wonder why she was in this. Most of the times, she didn't dare. The rest of the time… it didn't really matter.
"Because I… He… He needs me—"Alex scoffed. "He does, he…""What? He what?"
"He's… all I have." Saying those words brought the image of Aaron calling her fucked up all that time ago. They still rang true and it was what kept them together because no matter what Aaron did, he was right about that. They had started their relationship fucked up and that fundamental basis had not changed. They deserved each other. They were all they had. And just like that time, the thought was wrecking.
"No, he's— Piper." Piper was shaking her head, pulling away, recoiling in bed but Alex wouldn't let her go.
"Alex, stop, please stop."
"No, Piper, this is important." Piper finally stopped, on her back and eyes trained on the ceiling, tears spilling from the corner of her eyes and Alex stayed put, giving her space but fighting with herself in order to find the words that would make it alright, that would somehow get to her. When she spoke, Piper could hear her voice straining to reach to her and it made her turn her head slightly to catch her eyes. She had taken her glasses off and they were now resting in between them. "Listen to me, we can do this, okay? I will help you, he is not all you have anymore. Do you get that? He's not all you have anymore."
Piper felt her heart swell because Alex kept saying we and she looked like she meant it and sometimes Piper really hated how honest Alex could be but in the end, it didn't matter. Alex was caught up in wishful thinking, like this whole mess was something they could untangle themselves by simply running away. Or by simply wanting to. But Piper knew better. And this was all her. There was no we in this disaster. And Piper could see the unavoidable fault line tasting like doom in her mouth when she began.
"And what do I have? You?" Alex opened her mouth to answer, looking so sure it might as well have ripped Piper's heart in two. But then, the light in her eyes dimmed and Piper could see the certainty leave her eyes as she looked away, seemingly already knowing what was to come. Piper wondered for a second why she was doing this; trying to sever the last rope anyone would probably ever try to throw her but she ploughed on, and it didn't really feel like anything belonged to her anymore. Not her mouth, not her body. It was all mechanics now, deadpanned words when she was screaming inside, unable to reach the surface. "What's the plan? I go back to traveling the world with you? And we're back where we were two years ago?" Alex let out a breath. She looked hurt. Still avoiding her eyes, she trained them on the wall behind Piper now; fingers carelessly scratching at the inside of her elbow. "You know that's not going to work, Alex. I can't go with you. And you're not going to stay for me."
After the last line faded in the air, Alex's eyes fleetingly met Piper's and it was only the remains of the wreckage now, lying between them. Alex looked like she wanted to refute that. But she couldn't, of course she couldn't, Piper knew that. Then she closed her eyes and when she opened them again, there was a new kind of resolve in them. She drew in a forced breath; let it out through clenched teeth.
"Okay." She began with a small nod. "Okay, you're right. But we don't have to do that again and that doesn't change what I just told you."
"Alex." Piper only half groaned. She attempted to get up but Alex put her hand on her arm. Softly, making sure Piper understood it was only a fleeting gesture. When Piper had settled back on the bed, she brushed her arm with her thumb mindlessly a few times before retreating again. The gesture didn't match the fire in her eyes.
"It doesn't. This goes beyond you and me, Piper. I'm not asking you to stay because I want to live with you now and get back together. I'm not telling you to leave your boyfriend because I want you to be my girlfriend. I am not doing this because I'm thinking about us, or whatever the fuck you think." She was getting progressively angrier as she spoke and she pulled back even further in bed, setting more space between them; something Piper appreciated because the rise in her tone was making her heart beat faster. "Do you even understand what is going on with your life right now? Do you not see how wrong this is, Piper? Are you seriously that brainwashed?" Instead of letting her defenses shoot up immediately after an attack like that, Piper found herself keeping quiet. She couldn't stop looking at Alex, speaking harsh words with so much worry in her eyes it was making Piper come undone. "I know that some part of you probably thinks you can fix him; that he just needs time, right? Love? Understanding? Or whatever fucked up thing you can come up with to justify this." Her eyes traveled down her neck and Piper's hand instinctively flew to hide the evidence but Alex stopped her. "Maybe another part of you even thinks you deserve this." Now, Piper closed her eyes and Alex prodded on, knowing right away she was right. "You do, don't you?"
"Stop."
"Do you think you deserve this, Piper? Do you think you can fix him? That if you just give him everything he'll change?"
"Alex…"
"Do you want to know how I know this? And I'll give you a hint: it's not thanks to how well I know you." She said, letting the end of the sentence hang in a high pitched tone and ending it with a short, sarcastic laugh. Piper hated this Alex; the angry, mocking and truth shoving Alex. "It's because it's the most common story in the world. And literally every person in your position feels the same way. Because that's what abusers do, Piper."
"Shut up." She mumbled, wide eyed and hurt. She had started jabbing at her wrists, picking on her scabs, but Alex was not stopping, and she had sat up in bed, looking down on her as she kept going with a fiery tone that was burning Piper to the core.
"They tie you to them with threats and I'll change promises and then they make you feel guilty for whatever you supposedly did to make them hurt you. Does that sound familiar, Piper?" She continued condescendingly and Piper lost it.
"I said shut. Up!" She shot up and yelled it in her face, only to let her legs fall to the other side of the bed and standing up, frenzied and shaking and it happened too fast for Alex to react; but then she was on her feet too and she had caught up with her in a flash. Piper spun around the second she felt Alex's hand on her shoulder and her eyes were pure desperation, spitting angry words with so much fury she could hear the reverberation in the apartment. Only then did she realize she was crying. "I told you to shut up and I am done, and you better leave me the fuck alone because you don't understand anything and I hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you." Alex wrapped her arms around her, and Piper was gasping for air as she clenched her fists around a fistful of her clothes, pulling, tugging; away, closer, away, closer, closer, closer.
"You don't, you don't hate me and I'm sorry, Piper I'm so sorry."
"He's going to find me, Alex he's going to hurt you—"
"He won't, he won't find you, you never have to see him again, okay? He's never going to touch you again, Piper." She was wetting Alex's collarbone but she couldn't stop shaking and she was afraid she'd crumble if Alex let her go. Eventually, Alex dragged them back to bed and Piper fell asleep with the dampness of her own tears in her face and the echo of Alex's words: You're going to be okay.
.
She was woken up by the ring of her cellphone. She jumped up, gasping.
"Alex." She could glimpse daylight through the curtains and she knew with a blow to her stomach that it was already too late. There was no going back. Piper didn't know whether to be terrified or relieved. She settled for a sweltering fear.
"Shh, it's okay."
"No, no, that's Aaron, he's… he'll…" But Alex kissed her forehead before standing up and going for the entrance of the bedroom, where Piper had dropped her purse. She took her cellphone out. Piper watched, too petrified in bed to say or do anything but when she felt the weight of Alex's body next to her again, she whispered, looking straight ahead. "What did you do? Were there any messages? He's going to keep calling, Alex, he's not going to—"
"It's all good." She soothed her. "I turned it off until we figure out what to do, okay?" Alex eased her down, against her neck again and brushed her hair until she faded away.
.
When she woke up again, the curtains were drawn and the sunlight looked like mid afternoon. Piper couldn't remember the last time she'd slept in this late and her body felt heavy and loose as she shifted a little to the side in bed. Right next to her was Alex, awake. Except she looked a bit troubled. She was on her back, on the other side of the bed as if she'd been trying to get as far away as possible and her breathing was slightly labored, her hands scratching at the insides of her elbows. Piper sat up and she was speaking before she even had time to register anything besides the discomfort in her face.
"What? What happened?" Alex jumped and whipped her head to the side, pushing the sleeves of her t-shirt down hurriedly and turning to face Piper with a barely suppressed fear in her face until Piper's next words left her mouth and then she rubbed a hand down her face, as if attempting to clear up. "Is it Aaron? Is he here? Did he call? Did he find us?"
"No, no. No, Pipes, no." She inched closer in bed and ran a reassuring but somehow clumsy hand down her arm. "I turned off your phone, remember? We're good. Are you hungry? Do you want breakfast? I'll go… make something. Be right back." She almost stuttered those words out and Piper watched as Alex stood up and walked rather stiffly out of the room. There was this certain heaviness to the way she moved and when she had put her hand on Piper's arm, her hand had felt sweaty. Piper fell back on her back, put her arm over her face, sighed, shook her head. There's something wrong.
Was she re-thinking letting Piper stay here? Was she regretting her decision to help? Had something happened? But to be honest, Piper didn't even dare get up to check her phone. She was terrified to ask. And the selfish, cowardly part of herself just wanted to let Alex take care of this. Take care of Aaron, and them and Piper. Let her handle everything because Piper had no idea how to do it. So instead of doing the right thing which would probably be to get up and ask Alex up front what was the matter, she lied there, listening to the sounds coming from the kitchen, warning her of the comforting presence of Alex. Making breakfast. Taking care of her. So, so familiar.
She had so many memories here, right in this bedroom although most of the elements that once belonged here were gone. There used to be light red curtains and the sun would cut through the room with this hazed fiery vibrancy and it always made the mornings warm and trancelike but now they'd been changed for black ones. Piper could imagine why although it still made an aching weight settle at the pit of her stomach.
There was a light post right outside Alex's apartment that Piper hated at first because she liked darkness when she slept but she also hated dark curtains so in the end, she'd sacrificed the curtains, much to Alex's distaste. But it was safe to say, Piper was the one that suffered the most with the change. Alex never had that much trouble falling asleep pretty much anywhere and at any time, meanwhile Piper was a picky one. She needed the appropriate setting and so that led into almost every night for the first few weeks of her thrashing frustratedly in bed, putting pillows and sheets over her head until she ran out of breath. But then… she'd realized it also allowed for her to see Alex sleeping next to her, discern her face through the shadows and it calmed her. She always fell asleep watching her; that was one of the first things that changed when things started to fall apart, with Alex getting home so late Piper couldn't wait up. She kept the habit of sleeping with the shades drawn in hotels and after she left her, nights came with a difficult decision; keeping the shades drawn, watching the empty space next to her body or lying in utter darkness, unable to sleep because it was just so dark. Eventually, she'd settled for darkness. It was a lot easier to make believe you weren't actually alone if you couldn't see the loneliness creeping up from her side of the bed.
But there were also other small things that'd changed. The duvet of the bed was now burgundy instead of the soft lavender Piper had chosen. Even Alex's stuff had changed; there was no green, elaborated lamp on her nightstand now, but a white common one and she'd changed the bed, replacing the posts and its bonds with a high, wood-like headrest. It made the scene look completely different. And just then Alex walked in with a tray in her somewhat shaky hands but with a smile as familiar as breathing. A smile for Piper. Piper sat up in bed.
"Hey." She said, hopeful.
"Hi." Answered Alex with maybe an overly cheerful tone; especially for her, but Piper didn't mind because it was all she wanted. Alex knew exactly when to give reassurance. And Piper could do nothing but take it.
She set the tray on the bed and sat down on the edge, her back slightly to Piper as she ran her hands down her thighs before taking a deep breath and accommodating further onto the bed, next to Piper, who smiled at her, relieved.
"Thanks for breakfast." She said rather shyly, shoving a toast in her mouth and humming. Alex nodded distractedly with a fleeting smile and Piper tried not to dwell on all of the things that could be wrong as she munched on her breakfast, taking short sips of coffee and keeping her eyes trained on a lose thread on the duvet. They were silent for a while and from the corner of her eye she could see Alex was restless, forcefully running her fingernails down her arms from over her long sleeve t-shirt— Piper couldn't remember ever seeing Alex with long sleeves; she was more of the 'rather be cold and cool than over-dressed'; and it made her feel even more uncomfortable and she didn't know why. There was just something about the image. But then, a thought crossed her mind and she froze.
"Oh, god, Alex."
She jumped. She was already on edge when she asked, hurriedly. "What? What?"
"I don't have anything. I don't have any clothes, I don't have any money, and it's just the beginning of the month, I don't get paid until the 25th what am I supposed to do?" Alex seemed to relax momentarily, like she'd been expecting something else but then she frowned and shook her head as if what Piper had said didn't make any sense at all. She opened her mouth and then closed it and then shook her head again. Finally she decided on how to start.
"Why don't you have any money if you get paid the 25's?" Piper blushed and looked away.
"Aaron… asked me to put my money in a jar so we could both use it at anytime we… needed it." A shadow passed over Alex's eyes and then she asked coldly.
"Didn't he work?" And Piper felt immediately defensive.
"He was a writer. He is a writer." Alex rolled her eyes and Piper frowned. "What's wrong with you?" Alex scoffed.
"What's wrong with me?" Piper pulled back, confused and hurt with her attitude and Alex's eyes softened right away. She clenched her fists, ran a hand through her hair. "Piper." She started and it was slightly exasperated. "You know you can't go back to your old job, right?"
"What?" Piper's eyebrows drew together and Alex sighed and moved closer to her, setting the tray aside.
"That's the first place he'll look. You can't go back there. Not tonight at least...not for a while." Piper widened her eyes, irrational contradiction bubbling out of her as she shook her head.
"No, no, Alex it's my job, I can't just quit." She was practically pleading and there was this raw pain in her voice that had Alex swallowing and keeping quiet for a second. It was ridiculous, Piper knew. Her job wasn't that important, it was just a job, a waitressing job that she could get anywhere else but it somehow felt like the last and maybe only thing that actually belonged to her, that was all hers and it was being taken away. It was right at that moment when it utterly dawned on Piper how lost she was. "I don't have anything else." She said in a small voice, a painful realization tainting her words. "I don't have anything."
When Alex spoke again, she did so with regret, as if she felt bad for her reaction earlier and Piper thought about how unstable they both were.
"Listen. You can stay here, I'll give you money, you can buy new clothes and you can start sending resumes tomorrow if you want. You'll get a new job, one where you can be safe, okay?" Piper nodded but she wouldn't meet Alex's eyes. She turned to her side and after a moment of hesitation, threw her legs off the side of the bed and stood up. "Where are you going?"
"Can I take a shower?" She asked in a tired voice.
"Yes, of course." Piper stopped at the entrance of the bathroom door.
"Can I borrow a t-shirt? I don't want to… wear the same thing all day." Alex walked up to her closet immediately, her back to Piper as she mumbled an insecure sure, clueless for a second as to how to act around Piper. "If you could…give me one with long sleeves?" Alex stopped and turned her face to roam her eyes over Piper's covered arms. There was sadness in her eyes. She hadn't seen the bruises on her arms, didn't know they were there too.
"You don't have to hide, Pipes."
"I don't like it when you look at them." Alex turned her head again, facing the wall this time and scratched the crook of her elbow. She let out a forceful breath.
"I know they're there. It doesn't make any difference." It came out rougher than Piper expected but then she repeated, softer and apologetic as she searched in her drawer for a shirt, "and you don't have to hide." She turned around and walked up to her, handing Piper a balled up t-shirt and Piper noticed relieved that it had long sleeves.
"Thank you." Alex fumbled for a smile.
"Take as long as you want."
.
Piper did take her time. Even though she'd washed her hair the night before she stood smiling to herself under the spray of water. It felt like mercy. She took Alex's shampoo again and her hair conditioner and then rubbed soap all over her body with her sponge. It was all Alex's but they were on her skin too and it made her feel better. After a while, she kneeled down in the shower and rested her back against one side, facing the curtain as water rained on her knees, holding them with her arms wrapped around herself. Piper felt tired. Piper felt sad. Piper felt lost. And she was confused because Alex was acting strange and there was something wrong with her but Piper also felt useless and what could she possibly do for Alex in the state she was in? She couldn't even hold her own. She thought about the turned off cellphone outside, ringing with a hundred calls and messages when she finally gathered up the courage to turn it back on.
And with a wide eyed, breathless realization, it just then it occurred to her…that she didn't have to. She could just throw it away, get a new cellphone, but it somehow felt like such an irrational thought; to ditch her cellphone felt like ditching Aaron and Piper wasn't sure she could do that yet, despite Alex's attempts and attentiveness, so glaringly different from Aaron's treatment. The thing Alex didn't seem to get, though, was that Aaron was not extractable from Piper's life. He had set his claws on her mind and more literally, her body, and they kept clawing there, tearing her fleeting decisions apart and keeping a dead set weight on her chest. Piper was still immobilized. She was going through the motions, following Alex's lead and her trail of hopefulness and wants but they seemed to be wavering now and the shortness of their duration was hitting Piper harder than their absence. She was still waiting for the reaction. She didn't know if this change would spur her into action or just further paralyze her.
She stepped out of the shower shivering but just as she was wrapping the towel around her she heard the faint sound of a door closing and suddenly she couldn't breathe. An unreasonable fear settled in her heart and she fumbled with the doorknob, her slippery hand costing her a few precious seconds before she stumbled out of the bathroom.
"Alex? Alex!"
"Woah." She heard her call out as their bodies collided right at the entrance of her bedroom and she managed to grab Piper before she fell. And then she was running her hands down her arms, eyes worried and searching. "What, what? Are you okay? What happened?"
"I— I thought—" She was breathing heavily and her forehead was creased, as if she was confused by her reaction. She swallowed visibly, drew in a breath.
"What, Pipes?"
"I thought you had left." She said in a small voice. The me was left unspoken but loudly echoing in the air between them. Alex's whole face shifted with surprise and sadness and it suddenly hit Piper that she'd never before been so afraid of something and Alex could probably see that. Alex could always see things. She let out a sigh as if she should have known, and gently wrapped her arms around her. Piper didn't move, didn't hug her back instead choosing to keep still, less because she was holding her towel and more because she needed to feel surrounded by something that didn't feel in any way threatening. Alex's hug was just loving.
When she pulled back, her eyes widened briefly as they roamed down her arms and Piper wrapped the towel tighter against her body, shielding herself; but Alex didn't say anything.
"Come on." She guided her to the couch and made her sit next to a black plastic bag before resting back and grabbing her hand to play with her fingers, eyes training on Piper's. "I did leave." She said, loosely, and Piper tensed but Alex didn't comment on it as she kept going. "I got you something." She stretched over Piper to grab the bag behind her and Piper breathed in the smell of her hair greedily. Alex handed her the bag and Piper glanced inside before looking back up at Alex disbelievingly. Confused. Delightedly surprised. And even though it took her more than a few moments to first acknowledge what was inside, after her heart finally calmed down, and to then manage to let her lips form a shy smile, it was like everything else faded away when Alex granted with her first honest smile all day.
Because sometimes it's just as easy as that.
"You didn't."
Alex's smile turned into a playful smirk and Piper wanted to cry.
"I did."
"You're the worst." Alex smirk widened and then she took a wet strand of Piper's hair between her fingers as Piper pulled out of the bag a white panty with pink edges and a cat on the front. When she noticed the word Purrr on the back, she gasped and Alex burst out laughing. "Fuck you."
"Aw, come on, Pipes. It's cute. Look at that cat, it's smiling." She said, voice thick with laughter and Piper threw it at her face.
"You asshole. You couldn't get me something normal? For fuck's sake, Alex." But despite the scowl on her face, she was laughing too and Alex tucked the strand of hair she'd been worrying between her fingers behind her ear, shaking her head and rolling her eyes.
"Look inside. I got you boring ones too." Piper bit her lip, holding back her laughter as she emptied the bag on the space between them. There were three standard colored t-shirts with long sleeves and a bunch of panties as well, everything generic and so very clearly from a supermarket but Piper felt so grateful tears were brimming on her eyes when she looked up.
"Thank you." She said, sniffling. Alex laughed.
"All that money I spent on gifts and dinners and all I had to do was give you underwear."
.
Alex was restless. Alex seemed irritated by everything. Alex was keeping an awful distance from Piper.
It was like she was struggling with something and Piper was getting more worried by the second but it also scared her. Alex's mood shifted in flashes; one second she snapped at Piper or she threw aside whatever she was holding and the next she was shaking her head and running her hand down her face as she murmured stuttered apologies. Alex looked feverish and every time Piper spotted her from another room she saw her scratching at her arms roughly before she noticed she was watching and then she stopped, gave her a guilty look and a frown before turning around and marching off to somewhere else. Piper didn't know what to do and she was starting to lose it, on edge, on edge, on edge; she could feel the fear settling in her stomach and her hands slightly shaking because this felt like the times right before he exploded and Piper wasn't ready for this; a part of her mockingly asking did you really think you'd get away that easily?
But somewhere along the day, after lunch— a quick meal, an awkward, stilted conversation— Piper managed to find herself in bed, running a soothing hand down Alex's hair. She wondered when the roles had reversed and most of all, why. They were talking, about nothing in particular and Alex even granted Piper with laughter for a while. Her arm threaded around Piper's waist, one of them or maybe both, pushed closer at some point and then they were only a breath away, talking faint and soft, again immersed in that bubble that shielded them from their circumstances.
Until the itching came back.
"I'm going to…go do that thing…" Alex said as she tried to pull back but Piper held onto her hand.
"What thing?" The hand that had been brushing Piper's cheek went over to the inside of Alex's elbow to fleetingly scratch, as if Piper hadn't seen her at least twenty times only today.
"A thing. From…from work."
"Alex."
"What?" She snapped immediately, not even letting Piper say what she wanted, already aware and tired of the questions coming. Piper jumped. She ducked her head, embarrassed and the moment stilled.
"You're scaring me." Alex drew in a sharp intake of breath.
"Pipes…" Piper wasn't looking at her but she saw her hand lifting to her face and she closed her eyes in a wince. Alex's hand never landed. "Okay." It was wavering. "Okay." Anxious. "I need to tell you something." Piper frowned, looked up but Alex was retreating, shaking her head and putting space between them. "I need to tell you something." She repeated. She was looking at the ceiling and her forehead was glistening with sweat. She lifted a hand to scrape her fingernails down her neck. A nervous gesture. "But I need you to promise me you're not going to run, okay?" Now she turned to glance at Piper, fixing on her a serious, intense and more than slightly desperate look.
Piper only nodded, scared with her fierceness, the bluntness in her words.
Alex sucked in a breath, looked away and cleared her throat.
"I'm doing heroin." Silence. "I mean, I've been shooting for… I don't know how long. It was just for when things got a bit too much. It was just to have fun. But you know how it is." She let out a wry, short laugh and glanced at her, eyes widening in fear off Piper's ghastly blank face before looking away. The world was collapsing all over again. Piper wasn't sure she'd manage to come on top this time. How was she supposed to avoid the wreckage falling all around her? Alex was speaking faster every second, as if she was running against a ticking clock. "It's not like I'm out of control, either, I still do it for mostly fun. But now it's been three days and I was waiting, I was going to wait until tonight, when you were asleep—" Piper closed her eyes shut, rolled onto her back and threw her arm over her face and Alex sped up. "It's just that when I start going through withdrawal it's shitty, okay? I'm just moody, Pipes, I didn't mean to—I'll be back to normal after a shot." Piper let out an angry breath and Alex kept going, frantic. "Fuck, Piper, I know I should have told you sooner, okay? I should have told you before bringing you here, I should have told you when I realized things were bad for you, I—"
"You could have told me when I told you."
"I— I wanted to make you feel better, how was telling you going to do that?" She said slowly, in a sad voice and Piper threw her legs over the side of the bed and sat. She buried her face in her hands. "Piper…it's nothing, it's just…"
"It's heroin, Alex. Heroin."
"I don't want you to be scared of me." A small fragile voice and then, hopeful. "I'll shoot some, spend a few hours spaced out and then I'll be fine. We'll be fine. I promise." And Piper gritted her teeth.
"You'll shoot some? A few hours spaced out?" It sounded like it was nothing, as if it was routine and the weight in her chest was solidifying because Alex was a junkie and Piper couldn't shake the fear setting in her bones with that information, but Alex didn't seem to realize the damage or the danger. "Alex…" She turned her head to look at her and she found her with her eyes closed and gritting her teeth as she scratched over her t-shirt again and finally finally everything clashed together in her head. The smells, the itching, it was drugs. Piper had seen that, she had smelt that numerous times while traveling with Alex; she'd seen the hollow eyes and the incessant, painful scratching, the scabs, the burn out smell in every messy dirty place and she'd manage to keep that image aside from Alex's because the number of times she'd been with Alex to those places were nothing compared to all of the times Alex took her to beautiful, gorgeous ones. But now, she could see it. The need in her eyes. She remembered the metal box Alex had freaked out over, that night. Only from Piper touching it. And then, another image; her doctor talking about the overdosed patient, threatening to sue if they didn't let her out. Alex in a hospital, cheeks hollow, dark bags under her eyes. "You overdosed."
Alex cracked her eyes open for a second before closing them again and wincing. "Once." She kept scratching from over her t-shirt and Piper couldn't help thinking how unfulfilling that must be, until it occurred to her why she wouldn't just push her sleeves up.
She stood up from the bed and Alex, sensing the shift, shot up.
"Where are you going? Piper, where are you going?" Piper walked around the bed until she was in front of her and she took one of her hands and tugged. Alex stood up, trembling. Piper began pushing her sleeves up. Alex resisted only once and then she just stood still, as Piper revealed the insides of her elbows, little black dots all over her pale, reddened skin, and in some parts, even bleeding. It made Piper's knees weak. She let her fingers ghost over the wounds, scared to touch, and she swallowed. When she was finally capable of meeting her eyes, she lifted her gaze. Alex was feverish and wide-eyed; eyes loudly asking for something and it struck a cord inside Piper's chest. It was her choice. Alex so very badly needed her but she was giving her a choice.
"Where are they?" Was the first thing that left her lips in a while. Alex sighed, relieved and then hurried to a backpack, leaned against the wall right at the entrance of the bedroom and pulling from inside a tiny baggie with white powder inside. "Is that all you have?" Alex's eyes were greedily taking in the sight but she nodded and then shrugged.
"It's enough for now."
"Okay." Piper walked up to her and took the bag from her hands.
"What are you doing?" She then walked to the bathroom, Alex hot on her heels, and when she was inside, she quickly ripped a hole in the back and threw it inside the toilet. "Wh— Piper, what the fuck?!" Alex lurched forward and Piper jumped aside but it was useless. The drug was gone. She spun around, enraged, hands at the top of her head, pulling her hair roughly but Piper had retreated until her back hit the wall and when Alex saw her she stopped.
"Do you think you'll hurt me?" Piper didn't sound scared; only curious. As if Alex not hitting her was only a bonus she wasn't expecting on getting. All of the rage seemed to drain from Alex's face instantly and then she staggered back, her back hitting the sink and she put a hand there to balance herself.
"No. No, I won't."
"Okay then." Alex was shaking, roughly rubbing her face, her arms, her neck, anything that felt like relief. Piper had been there. Piper understood. But still. "I can't watch you do this. I can't watch you self-destruct like this."
"Are you leaving?"
"Do you think we can do this?"
"…I don't know."
"You have to quit. If I'm staying, you have to quit, Alex."
Her face constricted; she ran a hand down her face. "I know."
She looked weak, fragile enough to be blown away and suddenly Piper was next to her, brushing her hair away from her face.
"We can do this." She said now; stronger, certain. "I will help you." She pressed their foreheads together, very much aware of Alex's still closed eyes, of Alex's insecurity, of the answer still trapped behind her teeth. Piper thought she could get it out. And if she couldn't, it was still worth it.
She kissed her. So soft it was a barely-there kiss; only the ghost of a kiss drawing from deep within themselves the sweet taste of them. And it was short and only a peck, only a brush, nothing more than that, just a taste. But it was wrecking. It was dizzying and earth-shattering and when Piper ended it and attempted to pull away, Alex physically followed, not touching their lips again but pressing her forehead against Piper's; not daring to pull away completely. Alex sighed and her breath tingled against Piper's nose, making a shiver run down her spine. She was breathless, eyes still closed but from that post kiss haze now and Piper realized she couldn't leave her. She couldn't just walk away when Alex needed her this much again. There was an invisible thread, joining them together and Piper knew that even if she left now, they'd meet again. It was inevitable. They were.
But no. She wouldn't make that mistake again.
Piper trailed her hand down Alex's arm soothingly and then linked her hand with hers. She spoke against her lips.
"We can do this, Al." She repeated. And then, "I'm not leaving." Alex opened her eyes. "I'm here."
And finally, a we that felt real.