Far and Away
Chapter Ten: Not Beautiful Anymore
Babblings: Thanks for all your responses to the poll in the last chapter. I know what I am going to do now, although it won't appear for a few more chapters.
Anyways, I can't exactly tell you to enjoy this chapter, because I'm pretty sure you will all want to kill me, but you know you're all secretly as addicted to angst as I am.
So enjoy. XP
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"Jake?" I asked, tentatively, into the darkness, curling a little closer to his strong, lean body.
"What's up?" he responded, stroking my bare shoulder.
"Do you like children?" This was the first time I'd managed to bring up the subject of children with him. Just in case. I hated to admit it, but we'd gotten reckless lately in our drinking. Many times I would wake up in the morning with no recollection of what had happened the night before. It was only a matter of time… No. I mentally shook my head. I wasn't like the rest of my family. I wouldn't have kids. I couldn't deal with kids. I didn't want kids.
I felt him shrug. "I dunno. They're okay, I suppose. Why?"
That wasn't the most enthusiastic answer I had ever heard, but at least he didn't say he hated children. It could have been worse, right?
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The first week I was sick, I thought it was just the stomach flu that had been going around. I didn't think too much about it. I just took some aspirin and the sickness was gone by lunchtime, most days. It wasn't until the second week of constant puking that I came to the realization of what it really was: morning sickness.
No, no, I reasoned with myself, this wouldn't happen to me. It must just be the flu. But I couldn't help myself from wanting to scream. This couldn't be happening to me. I had run to get away from my family, but, even now, they had found a way to haunt me.
When our team was out of town for one of our final away games before playoffs, I decided to try a pregnancy test, just to make sure, just to make it sink in that this was really happening to me…
I walked into the "girls" section of the store and I pulled my hoodie over my head and lowered my eyes. This was so embarrassing. Since I was doing this now, I should have just gone through the embarrassment earlier and got myself some birth control pills. I never thought these things through, and now it had gotten me into trouble. Taking a deep breath, I just shook my head and grabbed one off the shelf, the most expensive one; I didn't want it to be wrong.
Making sure not to make eye contact with the cashier, I handed over my money. She didn't even seem phased. I'm sure she saw a lot of people buying strange things. Maybe she just thought I was buying it for my girlfriend… Ha.
Back in the hotel, I stared at the directions for the damn thing for a long time. I didn't want to do this. If it was positive, I would be a freak just like the rest of my family. I could feel my pulse beating loudly in my ears as I inserted the test. The waiting was the worst. I think I paced back and forth so many times I burned a hole in the carpet.
The test was a blaring positive.
Then, I really did scream.
How could I tell Jake about this? He loved me, right? He told me so often enough now. Perhaps he'd love having children running around the apartment. We would get through this.
Needless to say, my game was off that night. I just couldn't stop thinking about the fact that I was carrying a baby – Jake's baby. I was a freak.
Coach pulled me out in the third quarter and gave me a pep talk. "Aki," he said, placing a firm hand on my shoulder, "we need this win. We only have one more game after this before play-offs." His eyes were pleading with me. I nodded and he sent me back out on the court – and I was lost in my own Heaven; a place where I didn't have to think about love, or babies, or freakishness; it was just me and nine other people and a ball.
We won.
The celebration in the locker room afterwards was interrupted by Coach announcing that there had been a change in plans and that we were heading back that night instead of in the morning. I let out a long sigh. I'd been hoping for another night to myself while I let this new news sink in. I had to think of what I was going to tell Jake, if I would tell him anything at all. I had managed to keep all my secrets from him thus far. I knew it wasn't fair, but I didn't want him to kick me out because I was abnormal.
I completely zoned out on the relatively short ride back to the city, ignoring the shouting coming from the other guys. I leaned my head against the cool window and placed a hand on my stomach. I felt no connection to the thing growing inside of me. It was ruining all my plans. The basketball season was ending soon, but I wouldn't be able to come back if I had a kid.
Never in my life have I been particularly violent, but at the moment I wanted nothing more than to punch the hell out of something – or someone. When the guy sitting behind me suddenly ruffled my hair, I had to bite back the urge to flip out on him.
When we arrived back in Konoha, it was still fairly early – only midnight or so. The club closed at two so I had time to go look for Jake…
I stepped off the bus and walked the short way to the club. The moon shone brightly, a light breeze blew through my long hair (I'd been letting it grow out). The duffle bag I had tossed across my shoulder felt heavier than usual; the walk seemed longer. As always, I heard it before I saw it. It was odd, because I never quite got used to that noise.
The guy at the door smiled and let me through. "How's it going, Kira? Did you guys win?"
I nodded and smiled at him. "Yeah, we did. We're definitely going to play-offs this year."
"You guys are undefeatable," he said and waved before moving onto the next person in line.
Jake was nowhere to be seen. He wasn't at the bar. A new guy they'd hired was working there. That was weird. Jake always worked the bar. He was the best. Boss never had him work another position. Had he taken the night off for some reason? That was unlikely. He never took nights off.
I started to panic. Something was desperately wrong here. I called his name out, but it was useless; he would never hear me over the din of the crowd. "Jake," I yelled out again. Sighing, I set off to look for him in the basement. Maybe he just went off to restock something. Yeah, I reassured myself, that's all it was. Why was I getting all worked up about this? It was just another normal night at the bar… But then why did something feel so… off?
Boss brushed past me, heading up the stairs as I was heading down. He smiled a bit and started to say something, but I pushed on past him, something telling me that I had to see whatever was at the bottom of the stairs. Suddenly, I heard a voice in my head: "Kira, you don't want to get your heart broken." It was Kyuubi's voice. I would know it anywhere. She may have been right, but ignorance wasn't bliss for me.
I had to know.
When I rounded the corner at the bottom of the stairs, I stopped short and nearly fell over at what I saw:
Jake was kissing another boy.
But it wasn't just kissing. They were all over each other, tongues stuck inside the other's mouth. It was sloppy. It was wrong. It made my heart shatter into a million pieces before I could stop it.
Tears were streaming down my face as I climbed, clumsily, up the stairs. Only one thought ran through my head: at least now I wouldn't have to come up with a way to tell Jake that I was carrying his child.
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If there's one thing I've learned in my life it's that happiness doesn't last. You can hold it just within your grasp. It looks beautiful, like a butterfly. But butterflies never stay for too long. Suddenly, the happiness falls to the floor, like a bomb, and explodes in your face. You feel dirty, used, unneeded, unwanted, heartbroken.
I felt completely empty and broken as I walked up the stairs to the apartment Jake and I had shared for nearly a year now. That year had been the best of my entire life and now it was gone. I wondered how long Jake had been cheating on me. Was this the first time? The twentieth time?
Jake always called me his beautiful angel. I detested that word now. I'd always hated it. It had haunted me nearly all my life. Beautiful. Apparently I wasn't beautiful enough. I never was. I had just wasted almost a year of my life away with a man who didn't even care about me.
How could I have been so wrong about him? I thought he loved me. Everything about him seemed to absolutely genuine. He was the first person I had given my heart to. Why did he have to do this to me?
I arrived at our apartment and opened the door with shaking hands. Everything inside was just how I had left it. But it was so wrong, so wrong. I quickly put everything I owned (which wasn't much) inside my duffle bag and scribbled out a short, bitter, note to Jake.
Jake,
It's too bad true love only happens in movies. Have a nice life.
-Kira.
By the time I left the apartment, tears were streaming uncontrollably down my face. No matter how much I rubbed at my eyes, I couldn't stop them. I had never, ever cried like this before in my entire life. I had always been the strong one, never known to break. But I had never known heartache like this before, either.
When I got back down at the club, I threw myself onto the dance floor and attached myself onto the first man I thought would be willing to take me into his bed for the night.
It's true: happiness doesn't exist.
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I woke up in a foreign bed with foreign sheets, sleeping immediately next to a stranger whose name I didn't even know and whose body reeked of sex and sweat. A wave of nausea rushed through my body and I barely made it to the toilet before I puked up what little remained in my stomach. No one held back my hair; no one rubbed my back. Everything was silent. A trickle of tears ran down my face before I had time to wipe them away.
After my body had finished painfully dry heaving, I stood up and washed my face in the dirty sink. I glanced up at my face in the mirror. Only a few days before my eyes had seemed bright and happy. Now they were dark and empty.
I hit the wall and let out a small scream. "Fuck!" I yelled. A moment later, the bathroom door was thrown open and the man I'd slept with the night before appeared in the doorway. He rubbed his eyes sleepily, and let out a yawn. He was the type of man who would have been cute if he was fifteen years younger. Now he had the beginnings of grey hair and a few extra pounds. What the hell had I been thinking?
"You'd better leave," he said. "I have a meeting in an hour and I don't just want you lazing about my house."
He didn't need to tell me twice. I pushed past him, pulled on some clothes, grabbed my bag and ran out the door. The bright morning sun hurt my eyes, but I didn't even stop to see where I was going until I arrived at a coffee shop not too far away. I slipped inside and ordered a triple-shot vanilla latte, desperate for some caffeine. I knew that much coffee wasn't good for me in my current state, but I didn't care. The baby could die for all I fucking cared.
Suddenly, I felt my phone vibrate. I picked it up and looked at the number. It was Jake. I opened the phone and pressed the "end" button. Then I found him on my contact list and blocked him. I didn't want to know what he had to say. I didn't want to hear his excuses.
The clock on the wall read 9:34. I didn't have practice until 11 and I had nowhere to go. I could have called Wataru, but he would have immediately known something was wrong. After being friends for so long, he could read me like an open book – well, probably.
So I sat in the coffee shop, reading the newspaper and trying not to think about anything until 10:30 when I caught the bus down to the gym for practice. I was already dressed and warming up when everyone else arrived. Basketball was my escape and at that moment I was desperate. I only stopped when I felt Coach's hand on my shoulder, telling me it was time to start practice.
I was on edge all through practice. When we started to scrimmage, this guy named Lee, who I'd always been on pretty good terms with, fouled me when I went in for a lay-up. Before I could contain my anger, I had punched him in the nose – hard enough to make him bleed. Coach's whistle quickly brought me back to reality.
A flush rose in my face. What in the world had I just done? I had never been one to resort to violence, especially not for a simple foul. "Sorry!" I said, loudly, placing a hand over my mouth and once again finding myself biting back tears. By this time Lee had already run away to get some tissues to stop his bleeding nose.
Haruka wrapped an arm around my shoulder and led me to the bench. "Do you mind telling me what just happened?" he asked.
I shook my head and lowered my eyes. "I don't know."
"Well, all I can say is that I'm glad it wasn't me on the receiving end on that punch."
That managed to make me laugh a little, even if it was only half-hearted. "Is everything okay now?" Coach called. Both Haruka and I nodded and walked back onto the court.
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"Haruka, would it be cool if I crashed at your place for a night?" I asked later when we were showering in the locker room.
He studied me over to see if something was up, but I'd managed to put up my flawless mask. "Yeah, that'd be cool. My house is pretty big and I live alone."
I smiled. "Thanks. It'll just be for tonight."
We drove his fancy Mustang back to his house, which was actually pretty far away. The entire time, we chatted like old friends and, for a little while, I was able to nearly forget about everything.
He had mountains of beer in his fridge. When I took my first sip, I told myself that I shouldn't be doing this: it could ruin my baby's life. The thought quickly disappeared from my mind. What did I care what happened to a baby I didn't even want? By the fourth beer, all thoughts were gone from my mind.
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"I HATE YOU!" I screamed at Kyuubi. "How could you do this to me?! I didn't want this. I don't want to be a freak! WHY?"
She had the saddest look on her face. I almost felt bad at yelling at her like this. Almost, but not quite. She was the one who did this. She was the one who had to go ruin my life. I'd lost Jake, and now I had a fucking baby – thanks to her.
"It was supposed to be a gift," she said, softly. "It was a gift to my son and to Destin…"
"You said yourself that I am not like Destin or my parents! I don't WANT to be like them!" My arms were shaking, my eyes burning.
"Don't hurt yourself," she said. "You don't want to kill your baby."
"Yes, I do!" I bellowed. "You took Jake from me and I don't want his goddamn kid." I knew I wasn't thinking logically. She hadn't taken Jake from me. Jake had taken himself from me. But she was there to take the blame. And it WAS her fault that I was pregnant.
She stepped forward, wordlessly, and suddenly I found myself wrapped in her arms. I couldn't stop the tears from streaming down my face. I clung onto her like my life depended on it.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "So sorry…"
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I woke up to a pounding headache. I was completely alone in a bedroom I don't remember seeing. No one was beside me in the bed. No one wrapped strong arms around my slender waist. Then I felt a whisper in my head, the soft voice of my grandmother: "I'm here with you." Even if that didn't make me feel a whole lot better, it was nicer than being completely alone.
Even as I fell asleep the second time, I could help but think that I would never be the same again.
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Babblings: Well, I apologize if that was not what you were expecting. I did warn you about upcoming angst. On the plus side, Destin and Kei will come into the story in either the next chapter or the chapter after that.
REVIEW!
P.S. This may be the last time I get to update for awhile. I have finals this week and then Saturday I head to the Philippines for a month. I love you all!