God's Dice

Disclaimer: Please see Chapter 1 for full disclaimer.

Chapter 10: Could It Mean Anything At All?

I hadn't known what comfort really felt like until I slept next to Mello.

No… that claim was far too much of an overstatement, not to mention almost absurdly too cliché. Let me start over again. I hadn't truly known the feeling of isolation until my waking eyes were greeted by the cold spot on my bed where the said blonde had been just a few hours prior.

The construction of that sentence, or even the concept itself, doesn't make things sound any better. But it somehow it was the only way my mind seemed to be able to grapple with those two polar opposite sensations to communicate them into coherent thoughts.

When Mello and I had both fallen asleep the previous night, the minute physical contact and the overall relative vicinity to one another had granted me the chance to again see inside Mello's head -this time in the form of a shared dream. However, at the same time, whenever it was that he had awoken and decided to leave the actions had left my sleeping conscious lost within its own void without a means for illumination or direction. He created and controlled the dream, and thus when it inevitably ended and was taken, I had been left with nothing.

My room was left a stagnant box of ice, unmoving and impenetrable to any sense of change when that blonde ball of fire wasn't around. Though, as I lay there looking out to my familiar surroundings and thinking on the events of the previous night I found a bit of myself missing the chaotic sense of impulsion that followed him.

That being said, from the chilling stagnancy arose up the obvious question that lay dormant in my head; the one I'd been trying not to let myself ask. 'Where did he go?' I wondered almost foolishly. Obviously he'd gone back to his room, probably to try and ward off any sort of questions or suspicions from Matt. What bothered me about letting myself wonder such a ridiculous question was not the answer itself so much as it was the wonderment of why exactly I cared at all? Did I care? Of course I didn't.

Though, beyond that, what made me give the question any real life was the very events themselves of the previous night which stuck like a thick sap to the back of my sights.

'Mello was rather forthcoming last night. No doubt a side effect of his drinking escapade.' I thought to myself as I shifted to lie on my back and stare at the ceiling instead of staring endlessly upon the wooden grains of my door.

'I thought his willingness to actually share so much of himself to be a rather significant turning point in our standing with each other.' I mused to myself as one of my hands trailed down to rest on my lower stomach, 'But if that was indeed the case then what's causing this deep seated feeling of unease in the pit of my stomach now?'

I exhaled slowly, closing my eyes and trying to bring the feeling under control in an attempt to cease it entirely. 'I suppose in theory it could make sense that Mello awoke this morning and realized what he'd done and is brooding on his regret of it now.' I justified as the most likely scenario.

'How unfortunate that he's so avidly against progress.' That being said, I also had to consider for myself what my own justifications were for being so adamant. Was I looking for progress for any other reason than the ulterior motive of learning more about who Mello was as a person and where exactly he had come from? I liked to think not but something in the pit of this unease told me that things weren't that clear-cut.

My eyes opened back onto the silence of my room, feeling in that moment as though the very eyes of God were upon me. Watching. Judging. But judging what? What could possibly make me the target of such attention?

Who knew, considering that, as Mello has implied numerous times before, God tends to work in the most mysterious of ways and for the most enigmatic of reasons.

'Mello's lucky it's Saturday.' I thought, pulling myself up from the mattress and immediately feeling the way my bones seemed to creak beneath me, though at this point it was nearly impossible to discern who was bringing what to whom. Was it always this indecipherable or was it just Mello and I? 'There's no way he's not feeling the effects from last night. If he was expected to perform in class today… I shudder to even imaging what sort of show he would put on for everyone.'

Though on second thought, the vindictive part of me almost wanted to see what would come about in such a scenario. Perhaps Mello would have another mental break at some point…

I stepped into the warm spray of my shower in an attempt to both ease my troubling thoughts and try to relax perhaps not only the feeling of my sore muscles, but Mello's as well. As the warm water cascaded in rivers down my body I took a meditative moment to focus on the bond in the hopes of establishing just where we stood.

Last night I had yet again been there for Mello when he needed it, but that hadn't come without our bond providing the feeling of something going wrong; a sensation which I'd felt despite the large amount of distance between his location, and mine. That intuitive knowledge had reached me, and yet this morning what I did feel from him was faint and hardly distinguishable from anything I was feeling.

Did that fact say anything for how synched together we'd become, or did it speak more for the state of the bond itself?

For reasons I couldn't even begin to understand, a shiver ran down my spine and I immediately knew I needed to find out. Perhaps this was the reason why God's eyes were upon me, not so much judging as watching our, no, my performance to gauge just what I would do in the face of so much on the line.

It could very possibly be that He was testing just what I would do about this, though as I stood beneath the water that was quickly becoming cold, even I couldn't be sure what I was going to do. Mello may have been chosen as my partner for this world and this life, but there was only so much that even I was willing to take, and his persistent indecision was quickly finding my limit.

After finishing showering and getting dressed I headed out of the room, my thoughts honed in on determining where exactly our current situation stood. I never cared much for maintaining the interpersonal relationships with people, but I let the consideration go as it was beginning to seem as though everything in my world always had a way of turning utterly backwards when it had anything to do with Mello.

Now it seemed that even the excuse that all my efforts were an attempt to maintain some semblance of peace between us was beginning to wear thin.

A pang ran through my heart and brought me to a standstill barely halfway down the hall. As if just one single step had been all it'd taken, suddenly my body was overtaken by a sense of warmth that'd been devoid of me before this moment. I could feel that it all stemmed from a sense of need, of craving, of longing. No, this was deeper than that, this was a feeling driven by some desperate sense of lust.

The longer I stood there the stronger the sensation became, and the more my stomach churned till I thought it might make me sick. I felt as though my body was being held above an open flame. My heart began to race in my chest, this feeling of yearning burning within my center.

'Ah, I see.' I told myself as my eyes widened by a fraction of an inch as they moved over to the single door in question. 'So this is what you've ultimately decided?' The longer I watched the unchanging wood, the more I listened to the hushed echo of Mello's emotions within my heart, the clearer the picture was becoming for me. A feeling of hate and of anger that I couldn't begin to control or necessarily place smoldered within me.

The sense of lust radiating off Mello's being was stifling, but beneath that there was the question which remained, his unbridled sense of confusion. But that was understandable. Within the blonde there existed two sides of him, one which would never be able to move past his hatred, and one that wanted to live up to his sense of morals. Giving in to one side or the other wouldn't necessarily qualm the other, or create an instant paradigm shift in his personality, and more and more I was beginning to think that Mello would never be happy with that fact.

'Though at the rate that he's been taking everything, it's not unreasonable to question whether or not Mello could ever attain any semblance of stable happiness in his life.' I thought to myself, taking a slow and careful step forward, feeling as though each movement was like wading through a rushing river.

Almost immediately I stopped myself, 'Happiness?' I considered, my body taking control to move a few steps back the way I'd come so there was no chance of Mello hearing my thoughts. 'Which option is in the best interest of Mello's happiness? The option where he learns to deal with who he's partnered with, or the option where he denies God and decides the events of his life for himself? At this point is it even worth continuing to get involved?'

My brain continued to work despite how badly something in me said that all I wanted was for a moment of silence. I questioned what possible benefits could ever be obtained from either of those options, but the sense of nagging gripping at my heart brought on by Mello's current actions said that any benefits I could receive one way or another would only be a nice addition to the overall conclusion either side would grant for him.

"Near?" A meek voice broke through the high-rise walls I had erected, it's plaster tarnished by the material evidence of the investigation into Mello and everything that came with him.

My vision came into focus and on the other side of the hall I saw Linda standing with her notebook held in front of her and a bewildered look in her brown eyes. As if noticing that I'd just come back to the present she continued, "Are you okay? I said your name three times before you even noticed me here." There was a sense of unease etched within her tone, though will all the emotions rushing through me from the events happening just beyond the door it was difficult to place whether the pitch of her voice was due to general nerves, or because of the events from the last time we'd spoken. My bet was on the latter.

"Yes, I apologize, I was just thinking." I explained, shifting my stance only slightly and grabbing at the locks of hair atop my head.

My brain kicked into overdrive again almost immediately. The calculations I had drawn up involving Mello and myself were written in stark black and gray ink, though with Linda's presence, a fine sliver of pink was factored onto my side of the equation. If I couldn't adequately decide on my own where I stood within the dilemma that is always Mello, then perhaps she could help be the buffer that allowed me to work through to my decision. After all, I may have begun to understand soul marks and bonds better, but all of that knowledge was for naught when you're unable to remain entirely practical about it all.

In that moment I was glad I'd moved away from the area in which he could hear my thoughts. If he'd heard me utter that statement he would have a field day with it. He was always immature that way.

"Actually, Linda," I started, pushing all other thoughts and musings to the side for the moment, "I believe it would be beneficial to have your assistance via obtaining your opinions on a few matters." I explained, exhaling in a sort of defeat after I said it.

I watched the way she blinked a few times in surprise, "Me?" She practically squeaked. "You need my opinion on something, Near?" No, I never said 'need'. Need implied that the progress of this case rested in obtaining the information she had in her, and while said data could in fact be useful, I in no way saw how it could be inherently necessary.

"Something like that." I responded, turning back to the privacy of my bedroom.

"Well, what do you need?" She asked as she trailed after me quickly, the tone in her voice picking up with excitement as I entered the room again and took a seat upon the floor; a sense of déjà vu loomed in the background as I watched from the corner of my eye as she took a seat on the side of the bed.

"Recently I've been conducting a bit of an investigation on members of Wammy's House. I'm interested in observing the way they interact with one another in terms of romantic interpersonal relationships."

"Does this have to do with why you were interrogating Ren and Mimi a few weeks ago?" She questioned, her fingers trailing nervously over the metal coils of her notebook.

I eyed her quickly, "Somebody told you about that?"

"Of course. Everyone knows you were talking to them about their bond and their relationship." Of course they did. People always have to find a reason to gossip about even the most minuscule of things. Her gaze moved over to me, "You're still interested in learning more about soul marks and bonds?" The slowly moving gears behind the orbs showed how she was attempting to read me. What could she possibly think that she knew? Or rather what did she think she could discern from me? Really, she should know better than that.

I looked over to a puzzle lying abandoned at the side of the room and moved to slide it towards me, turning it over and beginning work on it. "Of course." I chided, "A good detective knows and understands human motive so as to be able to implement such knowledge during cases. I myself am not so well-versed in these areas and as such it's imperative that I do what I can to attain the same level of understanding."

She nodded, "So… what do you need from me?" The nervousness she'd held before while standing in the hallway reappeared in her tone. Perhaps she was worried that I had asked for her assistance just to bring attention to the rash actions she'd done during the beginning stages of my investigation.

"As I stated before I'm looking for your opinion." Talking with her was dull and for the briefest of seconds I found myself almost wishing it was Mello I was having this discussion with. Regardless of the bond which allowed him a way to see the information I was after, conversations and interactions just seemed to move faster. There was a sense of understanding between our dynamics that somehow spoke and communicated the messages between us quicker than speaking with anyone else ever did. For now I'd just have to work with what I had.

"Do you think it's plausible for bonded soul mates to exist without being tied within a relationship together?" I proceeded to question, silencing down my own biases.

Her motions stopped for a moment and her eyes fell to the side wall, her lips pursing a bit as she considered the question, "Of course it is." She stated. "There are a lot of people who don't even find their soul mates till after they're married and have kids together. I've read stories of people who find each other when they're already with someone else and instead of tearing apart their families, it becomes a way for the two families to exist together instead."

I sighed, placing a puzzle piece upon the board and holding it down tightly with my index finger, "That's not quite what I meant. What I am looking to understand is what you think the mental state of a person would be if they were not with their soul mate; especially if they've found the soul mate already. How does one reconcile their turning away from God's design?"

She looked over at me with a small giggle, "God? Since when do you believe in God?"

"I never said that I did."

"Nobody really believes in God anymore, Near. You should know that. Only foolish people who don't know how to face the world on their own really believe in all of that." There was something about the way she worded her sentence that made me question whether she actually believed what she was saying, or if she was saying it because she thought that that was the sort of thing I wanted to hear. Who was more foolish: those who put their faith in a God they can't see, or those who based their opinions on what they feel the rest of the world wanted them to think?

"Let's entertain for a moment the idea that someone is truly faithful and they already have someone they're in a relationship with, but then they find their partner. What would someone do?"

Linda contemplated the question for a moment, keeping her eyes from me as she flipped open her notebook to a clean sheet of paper and began absentmindedly sketching with a pencil that'd been stuck behind her ear. "I'm not sure." She said, making me almost instantly sigh with how frustrating it was to try and discuss things with her. Why had I ever believed this to be a good idea? "But, what I do know is that most people in the world are looking for happiness above almost everything else. So, in that case, they should probably go with whoever makes them the happiest, whether that's the soul mate, or the partner they already have."

"That goes against God's will."

She shrugged, "What God would be angry with his own creations just for finding happiness in someone other than their partner?"

My movements on my puzzle pieces paused. She had a good a good point. Why would any deity depicted as being benevolent, let alone omniscient, have any real issue with people being with someone other than who their marked for? But when you've promised Him and yourself, and when you've come to accept what you feel you need to do in life in terms of following supposed divine order, would someone, would Mello, be able to reconcile his search for happiness with divine?

Based on what I had felt just this morning it would appear so…

"Did you find your soul mate, Near?" Linda's voice broke me out of the trance I hadn't realized I'd slipped into.

I looked up to find her expectant brown eyes upon me, the hand that gripped her pencil had come to a halt upon the paper. There was a flicker of interest which gleamed within her orbs, hardly able to keep patient as she waited for the response. Why was she so interested in figuring out who people, or rather who I, was bonded with?

"Of course not. I told you the last time we spoke that I could care less about the idea of finding my own soul mate. It's everyone else's I'm interested in investigating into the mechanics of. No doubt someday I'm sure there will be a case I work on which can only be solved through the use of such an understanding of people's way of thinking."

I could just hear what Mello would say at this point: "You're nervous again." In that chiding way he'd utterly perfected. How idiotic. What reason did I have to be nervous?

She hummed for a moment, closing her notebook again as she stood from her spot; her eyes remained fixed on me, now holding the glimmer of an insightful expression that I couldn't quite read, "Everybody wants to be happy, Near. Even you. Just remember that." My look narrowed on her as I stood to go with her to the door. This room was becoming increasingly more suffocating. Perhaps it was that same looming stare that seemed to still be so intent to watch me.

"You know, if you're so interested in figuring out how humans act and how they feel about others, the best way to do that is to intermingle with them and actually be around to see and read them." She commented as we both exited from my room back out into the long hallway.

"Yes, so I've heard." I muttered, shutting the door before beginning to walk down the hall for the second time that day. "However, intermingling is how people always seem to lose their sense of objectiveness and practicality." Those were qualities I couldn't afford to lose any grip over. But… with everything that continued to happen with Mello, could I in fact say that I had remained entirely practical anymore?

The conflicted and confused sense began to toss and turn within my center as I got closer to Mello's shared room, till finally I felt myself step within the boundary in which our consciousnesses became linked together, though as best I could I tried to keep my thoughts as quiet as I could. With everything weighing on my mind as heavy as it was in its current state of turmoil I wasn't sure if any interactions between the blonde and myself would be beneficial anymore.

We were almost through the boundary, to the relative quiet of my own tumultuous mind again, when the door to their room opened. As if I'd been guided by an invisible force I came to a halt, turning just slightly to the new opening as the familiar voices began to filter out.

"You never know, maybe they'll have some more chocolate downstairs or something." Came Matt's voice as he and Mello stepped out into the hallway.

I was paralyzed in place, watching and reading the situation and all the emotions relaying off Mello's form. His blue eyes moved up to mine, the look in them dulled and absent of their usual spark. This wasn't the expression of a hangover from his drinking. Something wasn't right with him, but his mind was deceptively quiet as he did a damn good job of hiding whatever was happening to him. A wave passed between the two of us of all the things neither of us could say to each other, though as it hit me the words were convoluted and foreign to any language I knew.

Almost immediately my observant eyes caught sight of something not quite right on Mello's figure, a deep red or almost brown shaded mark stuck out on his collar bone beneath the edge of his shirt. A hickey? A deep seated sense of anger began bubbling within my center and in that moment I couldn't control my thoughts.

"Don't ask."

'I wasn't going to. I don't care.'

"You don't understand what's going on."

'I'm not trying to anymore.'

Our stare locked together, intense enough that I thought the air between us might explode into flame. Finally he huffed at me, "Are you just going to stand there? Move!" With that the blonde pushed past Linda and I and continued on his way down the stairs, the sense of frustration and confliction beginning to subside the further away he moved.

"Sorry about him. He's been in a bad mood all morning." Matt commented with a shrug, moving from the doorway he'd stopped in to begin following after his friend.

As he crossed me path, one of his hands reached up and pulled his goggles from his forehead down over his eyes, those green orbs met mine for the briefest of seconds, but just long enough for me to see the almost vindictive flash of success that crossed through his expression, and the fraction of a smirk which grew across his lips.

The look was gone by the time he hit the steps and exited from the hallway, leaving me and Linda the only ones who remained. I felt her eyes move to mine, perhaps questioning why I hadn't moved yet. But I couldn't do it. My body was a solid statue, utterly petrified into place as I stared into the empty void where the two had just been.

The icy conclusion shot through my veins. 'He knows!'

A/N: Well, things are definitely starting to get interesting! Mello's decided who he's picking, Near's getting mad about it and Matt knows! Damn there's a lot happening! As always, huge, huge thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter! It means so much to hear how you're all enjoying this story so far and really helps to keep the motivation up to know that you all enjoy this as much as I enjoy writing it! So, please let me know what you thought of the chapter. How do you think Near will handle all of this that's going on now after such progress they'd made?

Please review
-Forbiddensoul562