I had thought, I had known suffering.
That I had known misery, pain and loss. That I had been familiar with all the dark emotions a heart can produce.
But it turned out, I had known nothing.
For losing the one you love, is like losing the air you breath. It's like having your lungs ripped out of your chest, leaving you to drown on your own blood, to suffocate slowly, gasping for air like a fish on dry land.
But at least without air, you know you're going to die. But without a heart, you'll just keep on living, with no hope of salvation.
Ah, but now I'm getting ahead of myself.
It's just, that it's still so painful to remember that day, that I find I'm reluctant to talk about it at all.
The day he left me.
I didn't know if it had been his plan all along. To just use me, to just have a little fun with me, and then, when the time came, to leave me behind.
The time for him to escape.
And me, a fool, had thought he'd take me with him. That it would be our chance, not just his. Ours.
But there was no "us", not to him.
Even if there had been something, a little corner of his heart feeling something for me, it had all been destroyed, pushed away by other emotions. Rage. Revenge. Sorrow.
The death of his mother that day, had not been part of his plans, that much was obvious. I had been dragged back to my cell by the time the guards came to tell him the news, but I saw his reaction, and the pain he felt cut through my heart like a spear.
And I think that pain made him forget all about me, for that was the last I knew of him. I sat on my cell, and cried for his pain, looking at him as he just sat there on the floor, in the middle of destruction he had brought to his belongings. I wished by all the nine realms, that I could've been with him, that I could've helped him, but he didn't even raise his eyes to meet mine.
It was obvious, that I no longer existed in his world - all that mattered to him now, was his loss. There was no way for me to reach out to him, but my heart cried with his.
The next day Thor came, and took him away.
I'll never forget how I felt, as I watched them walk away.
Like the fish on land, slowly dying.
I didn't know where Thor was taking him,
And Loki didn't even look at me. Not a glance, not a wave of a hand, nothing. He just walked away, and left me to die.
I have no idea how much time passed. It could've been days, it could've been weeks. Time had no longer any meaning to me.
I spent the days on my cell, staring at the hallway, waiting. Like a pet, waiting for his master, I sat and waited - but the more time went, the less patient I grew.
He had walked away from me, not even looking back.
I sat on the floor, leaning to the wall, and laid my hands on my abdomen, letting the grief and self pity swallow me.
I could feel the change in me, though I knew no one could see it yet. But I knew, as certainly as I knew I had loved him, that his child was now growing inside of me, under my heart.
His child, Loki's child.
I couldn't think forward, I could not see our future. How could I be a mother in prison? Would Loki ever know that I had bore his child?
It was on those days, that Thor came to see me, and it only took me one glance of his grim face to know what he had came to tell me.
He stood on the other end of my cell, looked at me, unable to get the words out of his lips, let his gaze fall to the floor, and then back up to meet my eyes.
"Alva, I have to tell you something-"
And I knew. The truth sank into my heart like dagger, and my heart stopped beating.
"No…!" I breathed. "No, don't you dare to say it.!
"I'm so sorry." His voice was thick with emotion, and hearing it made the moment somehow even more real. "He… he died a hero's death. He died with honor."
"No." I gasped for air. I felt the tears burning in my throat, behind my ears, but the wouldn't flow free. "I won't believe you."
I managed to get up to my shaky legs, even if my head was spinning.
"It is true, whether you believe it or not, Alva. And like you, I wish it was not." He looked at me with his sky blue eyes, and I had never hated him more than on that moment, when grief made a bond between our hearts. "But it does give me some comfort in my sorrow, that I know he died like a true hero of Asgård."
"It makes no difference to me how he died." I breathed. "It won't bring him back to me."
He didn't know what to say, and even if I could feel his grief, could see it in his eyes, I also knew he couldn't understand the way I had loved his brother, nor could he know feel the depth of my sadness.
"I know you loved him." he finally answered, stepping closer to me. "And I feel guilty for causing this to you. Had I not allowed you two to meet-"
"Do not feel sorry for the best moments of my life." I said, turning my back to him. "Be sorry for taking them away from me. It was you, who took him away to his death, and that I cannot forgive."
"You are mistaken." His voice was dark. "It was Loki's own choice to join me, to try and avenge the death of our mother. Had I known he'd sacrifice his life saving mine, I wouldn't have let him come, but-"
"He got killed, saving you?" I breathed, and Thor gave me a small nod.
"He did. I owe him my life."
I couldn't answer. The air had left my lungs, the strength had left my muscles. I let myself fall back to the floor, on my knees, and raised my hands to my face.
I still couldn't cry, the tears were locked somewhere deep inside of my shattered heart, but I wailed in despair.
Loki had given his life to save his brother. What a waste, what a stupid reason to die! For Thor, Loki would never come back to me. He had chosen to save his brother's life, and now I'd have to live mine without him.
"Alva, are you alright?"
Thor had walked to me, and knelt by my side. He placed his warm hand on my shoulder.
"No." I managed, shaking my head.
How could I be alright? I knew I'd never be alright anymore.
I looked up to Thor's blue eyes, and suddenly the tears found their way to mine, flooded them and fell to my cheeks.
"I'm pregnant." I sob. "I'm having his child, and now he'll never-"
But I couldn't continue, the tears made my voice fail and I felt like choking.
I hid my face into my hands again, and cried, so I couldn't see Thor's expression. But his grip on my shoulder hardened. He stayed still for a few heartbeats, but then he sat down on the floor by my side, and pulled me into his arms.
It felt as if I was a child, being caressed by someone who would take away my troubles, who would make it all right again. Someone who would take care of me.
I pressed my face against his shoulder, and cried, until my tears and my running nose had made his cloth moist, and all this time he just held me, pressed me tight against his strong chest, caressed my hair and my back as if I was his little sister.
It took a long time until my tears ran out, and I stopped sobbing. The grief inside of my chest still felt like it would crush my heart, but my body was too tired to cry anymore.
Still Thor held me, as if he had nowhere to go, which I knew probably wasn't true. I pulled myself up, and wiped my face to my sleeve.
"I'm sorry." I managed to whisper, suddenly ashamed of my tears.
"Do not be." Thor's voice was low and warm. "You are carrying my brother's child, and that makes us family. Your grief is mine, you're well being my concern. Come now."
He got up to his feet, and lifted me up too, as if I weighed nothing, and then placed me on my feet very gently. He took my hand, and pulled me to the door, signaling the guard to open it.
"Where are we going?" I asked, my voice faint as a feather, as we stepped out of the cell to the hallway.
Thor turned to look at me, his strong face stern and reassuring.
"To the palace. It is time we found you a new home."