Austyn, Alexia, Brynn, Scorpius, Rose, Sev, and I all shared a car on the train ride to Kings Cross. Brynn and Scorp talked about Quidditch until I thought my brain was going to melt and run out my ears. Sev was sitting beside me with his hand resting on my thigh while he tried to make it seem like he was reading a book, but I knew he could tell something was up with me. The others were convinced he wasn't paying attention, but I could heel his eyes on me every once and while.
Before Sev I was able to keep my emotions a secret, keep them under wraps without anyone being the wiser. He could tell something was wrong if my lips turned down a centimeter more than usual. It was endearing most times, but right now it was just frustrating.
"I have to go do some heads' duties, do you want to come with?" he asked, brushing my hair over my shoulder and kissing my jaw sweetly.
That was his subtle way of asking me to come talk with him alone. Even if I didn't really want to do that, I could never tell Sev no. I stood up and allowed him to take my hand in his, leading me out of the car with our friends hooting salaciously behind us. My face was heating up and I could just see the tips of Sev's ears turning pink as I closed the car door behind me. They probably thought we were going to go somewhere and hookup.
A couple of first years saw Sev and me and scattered out of the car, giving us our privacy without being asked. He waited for me to sit down before taking the bench across from me. We were both stiff and awkward and it made my insides knot up uncomfortably and my throat constrict uncomfortably.
"What's up?" he finally asked, breaking the stiff tension crackling between us in the car.
I struggled for the words to say, but I came up blank. How did I put my fear of being too broken to ever love someone into words that Sev would understand? I was almost positive he'd never been afraid of something like that. I didn't know many people that had honestly.
"Nothing, I'm just nervous to meet your parents," I lied, hoping he couldn't see through that as easily as he'd seen through my mood earlier.
"You're lying to me, don't do that," he replied shortly. "What's wrong? I want honesty this time."
"You're in love with me," I sighed and decided to tell him the truth, even if it was harsh. "You're in love with me and I'm not in love with you."
His face fell so quickly I wanted to be sick. "So this is a breakup talk?"
"No! No, I don't want to break up with you!" I shrieked, moving to crouch in front of him with his hands clutched in mine. "It's me, I'm the one that's messed up in this situation. It's not you at all, you're so good and perfect and I'm not even close."
"There's more to this, you're just giving me the pretty parts. I want all of it," he replied, shrugging off my words and my grip on his hands.
His brash movements seared straight to my heart, but I kept my face blank. I deserved all that and more, I'd made him feel like I wasn't in love with him. I would've done the same thing if our roles were switched.
"Sev, you're going to argue with me about it, but there's no way to change the way things are. It's not a matter of opinion or something I made up, it's a fact," I told him, standing up and pacing the small space the train car provided. "You are so good and the closest thing to holy I've ever experienced, but I'm going to ruin that. I don't think I can love you like you love me, I don't think I can ever love anyone. I don't even know HOW to love someone like that. You deserve someone who has their shit together and can give you what you want, but I'm afraid it's not going to be me."
I ran my fingers through my hair anxiously as tears burned my eyes. I thought telling him about my dad was going to be the hardest thing I've ever done, but this definitely took the cake. I've never been this exposed to another person in my life, I was raw and completely vulnerable in a way that absolutely terrified me.
He didn't respond at first, he just sat on the bench staring at me. That exposure I felt when I was talking was dialed up to ten right now. Everything in me was telling me to run, but I couldn't do that to Sev.
"You do love me, you love me and I can see it. If this were anyone else, you would have already been out that door," he said, standing up and moving to stand in front of me. "I see it when you do something and the shock on your face is almost a living, breathing thing. When you share something with me that you've never shared with anyone else, that smile on your face because you've let your wall down for me. That's loving someone, making yourself vulnerable to another person even if you're scared. You love me, Ana."
"How are you so sure when I'm not?" I asked in a shaky voice, tears coursing down my face without my full permission. "Why are you so sure of me when I've done nothing but push you away?"
"Because I love you! That's what loving someone does to you," he argued, taking my face in his hands. "I would do anything for you, Ana, even if that means proving to you that you're not broken no matter how much you want to believe it."
When I looked up at him, I saw a couple tears of his own had escaped as he begged me to believe him. The thought of making him sad or upset made the knots in my stomach get even more tightly wound.
"Sev, this is too hard. It shouldn't be this hard," I whimpered, all my strength slowly evaporating and my shoulders to sag in defeat.
"Nothing worth having is ever easy, Ella," he argued, pressing his forehead against mine so I had no other choice than to look at his eyes. "I've read a lot of books and scriptures and parchments on the subject, and you're the holiest thing I've ever experienced. You make me crazy, you're so intense and passionate and you make me the same way. I've never been out of control before because I've been too scared, but you make it okay."
He pulled my mouth to his and kissed me fiercely. I'd never been kissed like that before, never with so much intensity and passion. I didn't realize we were moving backward until my knees hit the bench and gave out, making me fall to my butt. I grabbed his collar and pulled him down with me, laying us both out on the bench before he could shift back into his caring, gentle self.
His hands were knotted in my hair, his mouth moving desperately and roughly against mine. I'd never thought Sev Potter would be one to be rough with me, but here we were. I grabbed the bottom of his sweater and tore it over his head before reconnecting our lips. His fingers traced the line of skin exposed by my raised shirt but didn't take it off just yet.
I pushed on his chest until he sat up enough for me to shrug off my flannel and pull my t-shirt off myself. His eyes were huge and his pupils were dilated, staring at me like I was something holy. I pulled him back down to me and kept kissing him as I unbuttoned his shirt, pushing it off his shoulders. My hands moved lightly over his skin, tracing patterns on his back and around his shoulder blades. When I pulled back to gasp for breath, I saw that each of his shoulders had a spattering of freckles and it made a smile tug at my lips before he reinitiated our kiss.
His fingers touched my stomach so delicately it was like he was afraid I'd break. It was such a harsh contrast to the way his mouth was moving against mine it made heat gather in the bottom of my belly. I hooked one of my legs around his waist and arched my back to get closer to him, making him groan.
"This is great but not the way to lose your virginity. We need to stop," I breathed out, breaking our kiss only for him to trail his lips down my neck instead. "Sev, that feels so good. God."
He groaned again, but this one was in frustration instead of pleasure. "You're right, but I really don't want to stop."
He moved off me and picked up my shirts from the floor of the car. He held it out and helped me put it back on, kissing the tip of my nose after he pulled the t-shirt over my head. I buttoned up his shirt and kissed his collarbone before helping him pull on his sweater.
"Your hair is gone," I laughed after I'd tried to flatten it to no avail. "There's no order to it anymore."
He reached forward and straightened my septum, an oddly intimate gesture. I don't think anyone has ever touched it other than me.
"We'd better head back before they come searching for us," he sighed, standing up and pulling me to my feet with him. "But before we go, I need you to tell me how you're feeling about us. I don't want you to get stuck inside your head again."
"I've never felt like this before, the way you make me feel," I told him. "I don't know if it's love or what it is, but I really want to find out with you."
He pulled me to his chest and wrapped me up tight in his arms. I held his waist just as tight, laying my head against his chest. His hand held the back of my head, massaging it soothingly and making the tension in my spine lessen tremendously.
The train stopped at Kings Cross and my palms started to sweat while my stomach tensed up nervously. I'd never met a boys' parents before and I was beyond nervous, even if I'd already met Ginny and Harry Potter.
Sev's hand found mine and laced our fingers together. We grabbed our bags and departed the train, looking for his parents at the station. Sev saw them before I did and led the way over to them, his face an almost blinding grin that made my heart pound against my ribs.
"Mum, dad!" he cried, hugging the two of them at the same time. When he pulled away, he grabbed my hand again and pulled me forward. "Mum, dad, this is Ella, my girlfriend."
"Ella, it's wonderful to see you again!" Harry said, hugging me and making me feel a million times more comfortable than I was before.
I looked at Ginny and felt my stomach plummet to my feet. She'd always been lovely to me, but her face was heavy with displeasure now. She hugged me, but it was stiff and awkward and basically the embodiment of disapproval.
"It's good to see you, Morgana." Wow, this was going just as badly as I'd feared it would. Awesome.
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