Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.
"How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep." - J.R.R Tolkien
o o o o
9 February, 2011
The first thing Sammie registered as she woke that morning was the warm, strong arms wrapped around her and the steady, even breathing that blew a warm breath against her skin. Settling back, she leaned back against his chest and inhaled deeply. The sun was just barely peaking through the window curtains and Derek still smelt faintly like the Drakkar Noir he always wore.
It was the same scent she'd purchased for him the Christmas of 1999. She'd been walking around Foley's looking for an olive branch to offer him just two days before Christmas and, frustrated and ready to give up, she passed through the perfume department on the way to the parking lot. An older man with thinning white hair was straightening what was left of the ransacked cologne counter when she passed and, with a knowing smile, beckoned her over. She smelt a handful of colognes, more to humour the man than because she thought she would actually purchase one, but, the moment she smelt Drakkar Noir, it smelt like Derek. Sexy and a little dangerous.
The fact that he still wore it now filled her with a happy warmth. Even faded by the previous day and night, the scent was crisp and spicy. It was comforting in it's familiarity. She almost wanted to turn in his arms and bury her nose against his chest to take a deeper breath. Instead, she stayed where she was and nestled her head more comfortably against his shoulder.
She knew this position, knew it very well. For one blissful month, she woke every morning to Derek's arms around her and his breath on the back of her neck. Except, then, his arms hadn't wrapped so entirely around her, rather, his hand stopped to rest on her stomach protectively, like he was shielding their daughter from something, keeping his hand there to make sure she was safe.
In the end, it hadn't mattered. Nick had been there. He'd killed her best friend, killed their daughter, nearly killed her. At the time, she wished she had died as well. Some nights, she still wished she had. But, every night, she lay in bed imagining Derek's arms holding her close, remembering the weight of his leg on hers, the warmth of his breath on her neck, the overwhelming, intoxicating feeling of safety.
Derek, still asleep, responded to her movement by curling his arms around her more securely, knitting his fingers together in front of her stomach, and pressed his cheek to the back of her head. He mumbled something unintelligible and Sammie couldn't stop the sleepy smile from gracing her face.
"I love you."
She felt the mumbled words reverberate through her more than she heard them. The smile faded away and Sammie closed her eyes.
Derek was so sure that they could move past Ellie's death, be a family again, but she didn't have that same faith. She still hadn't moved past their daughter's death on her own and it had been nine years. Nine years since she'd woken up in the hospital, confused and scared, to see her unshaven husband cry tears of relief that she'd woken up at all and discover that, not only was she no longer pregnant, but she was physically destroyed, her best friend was dead and her daughter had died just hours after being born. Her entire life would never again be the same.
They would never be a family again. There was no turning back time, a lesson she'd learned in such a painful way. There was no way back to the happiness she and Derek had shared. The castle of love and happiness the two of them had built so carefully had been trampled and demolished and burned to the ground. The way back to the wreckage was obscured and twisted, lost in bramble and decay that she purposefully cultivated; bridges were cut down, leaving places impassable and treacherous. Sleeping Beauty would never wake should she find herself trapped there, for the Prince would never make it through.
There was no finding a way back to the castle. Sammie had made sure of that.
Sammie laid a hand over of his and smoothed her fingertips over his skin. Regardless of everything, it felt wonderful to be back in his arms, to be surrounded by the way he smelt and to be warmed by more than just her blankets. Threading her fingers through his, she smiled when he shifted and pulled her even closer, the way he used to when he slept. Her breath hitched for a moment when he squeezed so tightly she couldn't breathe, but he settled quickly and her lungs expanded again.
What she'd done last night was stupid and, if she had any sense at all, she would slip out of this bed and take a cab back to Riverside. But maybe it would be okay to stay here just a little longer. Pretend it was before. Pretend it was okay to be lying here.
As she let herself enjoy being back in Derek's arms, she looked around the room. She hadn't been in this house since she left Derek. She didn't even realize Derek still owned it. Their photos were still up around the room, it still felt like their home. More than anything, he still felt like her home.
"You're real."
The words were whispered warmth and a shiver went down her spine. Derek pressed a kiss to her neck and secured the treading of their hands. Sammie closed her eyes.
"I've waited years for you to be real," Derek kissed her skin as he shifted, pulling his hand from hers to bring it up her torso to her face. He gently turned her head towards him and kissed her as he pushed up on an elbow.
Warning bells rang like sirens in Sammie's ears, telling her to run, but she opened her mouth to him instead and invited him closer, turning and wrapping her arms around his neck. Derek's hands swept over her body, re-familiarizing himself with the memorized terrain. Sammie moaned. Derek smiled into their kiss and moved lower.
This had been a spectacularly bad idea the last four times and it was just as spectacularly bad an idea the fifth time, but there were some mistakes she couldn't keep herself from making.
ooo ooo ooo ooo
"I don't have a tooth brush," Sammie mumbled, pulling her sweater over her head and looking around the room, trying not to look at Derek stepping into his jeans. The sun was high in the sky now, lighting the entire room. The clock shone green numbers telling her it was past noon.
"There's a Walgreens down the street," Derek walked around, searching the floor for his shirt.
"Your shirt's in the music room," Sammie gestured.
"Thanks, Baby Girl," Derek kissed her cheek and hurried out of the room. He found his purple shirt where he'd left it - limp on the floor behind the piano bench. Taking a moment to close the lid, Derek soaked up the magic of the room again before opening his phone and hitting Hotch's speed dial. "Hey, Hotch. It's Morgan. No, I'm staying in Chicago until Sunday. I'll be back at work on Monday. No, I'm fine. I've just got a few soccer games I have to see."
Derek hung up the phone and tucked it into his pocket before turning back to the bedroom. He slipped his arms through the sleeves and began buttoning as he walked through to find Sammie sitting in the club chair by the window, staring out into the snow-covered yard. "Angel?"
"I sat right here and told you I hated you," she whispered.
"There was a lot going on then," Derek brushed it aside. "You were sick."
"I knew what I was saying. I sat right here and I asked Mom to help me leave you."
Derek sat down on the rumpled bed. "I know. She told me."
"She wouldn't help me. So I went to Tony."
"I remember."
"I didn't hate you, Derek. I should never had said that."
"I know, Angel."
"You should hate me."
"I could never hate you," Derek stood and crossed the few feet to the chair. He leaned down without asking and picked her up, turning and sitting in her place and cuddling her into his lap. She stiffened for a minute before relenting to the internal struggle he'd been watching since the team came to Chicago and she relaxed against his chest. Derek smiled and kissed her temple, raising on hand to her hair and massaging her scalp the way that melted her to a place of calm contentedness. It took a few seconds before she languidly leaned against him and she closed her eyes. "This is what I imagined when I saw this room," Derek murmured in her ear. "I imagined sitting in the window with you, snuggled together and watching the snow."
"Watching Ellie play in the snow," Sammie turned her face into his throat.
"Yes," he admitted, a touch of sadness in his voice, "watching Ellie play in the snow."
"Nothing happened the way it was supposed to happen."
"No," Derek shook his head. "No, it didn't. Ellie's supposed to be banging around here somewhere with a brother or sister or two."
Sammie didn't answer. Her shoulders shook slightly and Derek took his hand from her hair to hold her tight. Tears came. They trickled one-by-one at first, accompanied by the occasional sniff, before cascading down her cheeks and shaking her shoulders. Anguish left her in ragged gasps, muffled by Derek's chest as the wound re-opened in her heart.
"I know, Baby," Derek wrapped his arms around her tightly and held her while she spilt her grief. He buried his face in her hair and let his own tears fall. They sat this way for longer than either of them knew. They'd never done this. They had each mourned their daughter separately, they mourned every day, but always separately. They had never once truly grieved their loss together. "I'm so sorry, Angel."
"I ask God why he took her every single day," Sammie sniffed.
Derek kissed her hair and sighed. "I do too, Sam."
"I wish you'd killed him."
"So do I."
A bird landed on the bare branch of a tree in the backyard, dislodging snow and hopping before settling down and enjoying his solitary perch. Soon, another bird flitted over, landing lighting on a branch about a foot away from the first bird. The second bird skittered closer, a little bit at a time, before he got too close and the first bird ruffled his feathers.
"If Crookshanks were here, he'd be going nuts right now," Derek laughed. "There's a robin that lives in the tree that can be seen from the front window and whenever Crookshanks sees it, his hair bristles and he starts hissing. He got so agitated that he tried to go through the windows once."
"How is Crookshanks?" Sammie asked.
"He's good. Healthy. He was about half a pound overweight the last time I took him to the vet, but I told the pet sitter not to give him as many treats for a while and I think he's gotten lighter."
"And Clooney?"
"He still carried around that pink sweatshirt of yours, but it doesn't really resemble a sweatshirt anymore."
"I miss them."
"Do you want me to bring Crookshanks back here to live with you?"
"No," Sammie shook her head. "That would confuse him. It wouldn't be fair."
"Any time you want to come to Virginia, I'm ready."
"Derek -"
"I'm sorry. Let me take you out to lunch, please?" Derek brushed his lips against her skin. "Spend the day with me."
"I dunno, Derek, I should go home. Gia has a game and I promised I'd be there." Sammie started to get up and Derek let her.
"I'm going to the game. I can't wait to see Gia play. We could spend the day together and then meet everyone at the same."
"Derek -"
"Please, Sam. One day?"
ooo ooo ooo ooo
"Derek!" Gia launched herself over the chainlink fence and straight into Derek the second he walked into the stadium. "You came! O-M-G, you came. What if I suck? Ohmygod, you have to leave so you don't see me suck."
"You won't suck, goofball," Derek kissed both her cheeks and pushed her back towards the pitch. "You'll be great!"
Gia hopped over the fence again and went back to her stretches with her teammates. The backup keeper was waiting where Gia had left her, bouncing the ball on her knee and stretching out her back. Derek watched for a second before turning and heading up the aluminum steps to the bleachers. His family was easy to spot and he waved as he walked.
"You ready to watch her?" Paola asked as he sat behind her, next to Andrea.
"I've been ready for the past two years," Derek joked as Sammie sat next to him, having followed him up the bleachers. "I hate that this is the first time I've seen her play in so long."
Andrea eyed the two of them with a faint smile as Derek took Sammie's mitten-covered hand in his and leaned over to speak in her ear. Sammie smiled at whatever Derek said, nodding her agreement, and let him keep her hand in his.
"How tall is Gia now?" Derek asked, looking at Sammie and reveling in the fact that she let him hold her hand in front of her family.
"Five-nine," Sammie answered, watching her cousin leaning her head against the far post and praying as the players gathered around centre field. Gia crossed herself and then jumped up to tap the crossbar before settling herself in the centre of the goalmouth. "Let's go, Bulldogs!"
The whistle blew and the game started. Time passed too quickly. Before he realized it, half time was whistled and the Bulldogs were in the lead 1-0.
"She's good," Derek whispered in Sammie's ear and Sammie nodded, turning to look at him. His face was closed than she realized and their noses brushed. Derek couldn't help himself. He leaned foreward and kissed her. Sammie's eyes widened before she closed them and returned the kiss. When the brief kiss ended, Derek smiled, "I love you."
"I know."
Little three-year-old Leo tugged on Derek's knees and held his arms out for Derek to pick him up. Obliging, Derek settling his cousin on his lap and hugging him through his heavy down coat and snow suit. Leo tugged on his jacket sleeve, looking up expectantly.
"Yeah?"
"Are you and Sammie married again now?"
"No, Leo," Sammie shook her head. "No, we're not."
"But you kissed like Mommy and Daddy kiss." Leo insisted stubbornly.
"It's complicated, Leo." Derek offered.
"No, it's not." Leo shook his head. "If you love each other, you kiss and get married."
"Look, Leo," Sammie pointed back out onto the field and Leo followed where she was pointing. "Gia's back out. Where's your sign? Go get your sign, Leo."
Throughly distracted, Leo ran to get his sign from his father. Sammie pulled her hand from Derek's and Derek sighed. "I'm sorry, Angel."
"I don't want to confuse them," Sammie said, not looking at him. "And I don't want to confuse me."
"You don't have to be confused, Sammie. No one does. We can have -"
"Not the time, Derek," she whispered as the whistle blew for the second half.
A/N:
This is absolutely not the best chapter I've ever written, but it's literally been kicking my butt since October 22nd and I just need to move on. That, and school and work got in the way of writing it, but, when I did have time to write it, it was completely uncooperative. So I'm just moving on. I might go back and take another stab at this chapter later, but, for now, it is what it is. UGH.
Okay, I'm tired and my feet hurt and I have to be up for work in 7 hours, so I'm going to bed. Night friends!
Love, Thalia