Chapter Eight - Undone
BPOV
i blacked out. i don't remember anything after closing the front door nor anything before opening my eyes to the polished mahogony wood of the entrance hall. i groan as a headache hits me. If i ever get drunk i'm sure this is what my hangover will feel like. i head straight for the medicine cabinet. I down two pills with some water straight from the tap before sinking once again to the floor. i feel so weak. i drop my head into my hands and focus on my breathing. what happened?
Is blacking out the same as sleeping? why didn't i dream of Edward? i suck in a sharp breath as another question hits me. have i lost the ability to ... do what ever it is i was doing? will i never see my Edward again?
i feel sick. but this time it has nothing to do with rude librarians. i wrap my arms around my knees and burry my head. My headache jolts when my ears begin to ring. Though oddly the ringing doesn't acturly seem to be coming from my head.
It takes a moment, but eventually i realise that it must be the phone. My headache flares. Arg, just shut up phone, i'm to weak to answer you! Thankfully my mind seems to have developed the power to quel annoying noises with pure agitation.
But then it begins again. Someones persistent. Its probably mum.
I drag myself to my hands and knees and crawl towards the noise. When i enter my bedroom i realise it must be my mobile that is ringing.
Strange mum ussually rings the land line.
I lift myself to my feet,sway and fall onto my bed before reaching over to my bedside table; just as the ringing once again comes to a still. I grab the phone anyway, i should probably ring her back.
I blink away the bluriness from my eyes, and then i blink again. Then pinch myself for good measure. 142 missed calls! How long was i out?
i jump, the phone falling out of my hand, when the cursed ringing begins once more. I scoop it up again and answer immediately, Renees probably really worried.
"Hello" i can even hear the tiredness in my voice. Theres silence on the other end.
"Mum, is this you?"
"Bella?" the voice on the other end of the line is immediatly recognisable. I drop the phone again, and i stare at it for good measure.
slowly the voice on the other end rises in volume until i can hear it from its place on my pillow.
"Bella please answer me"
"Ed..Edward" i whisper
"Bella, please, what happened? you were there in my meadow with me and then you were gone! it was so fast i could hardly function from the feeling of you being ripped away! i've been calling for hours!"
"Ed..Edward" i repeat once i have the phone back up to my ear "your...on the phone"
silence permits from the other end of the line before a deep stuttering breath is let out "yes...i am"
tears break loose as i menage to breath out "your real!"
"Oh love, i thought i had quelled your fears, of course i am real"
i take a stuttering breath as he calls me love
"but Bella please, what happened?" he sounded so worried
"I discovered what happens when i am woken up by cranky librarians"
there's a pause on the the end of the line before he replies.
"You told me no one would find you there!"
"i think she was new, i'm sure i would have remembered her"
"Bella, if she found you, then any one could have!"
i feel bad for worrying him.
"I'm sorry Bella, i shouldn't have yeld. I just don't want anything bad to ever happen to you"
"Its okay Edward, i feel the same" i tell my self i must be imaging it when i hear him whisper 'i hope so' under his breath.
"What happened after you awoke?" Arg, don't remind me
"lets just say last night dinner had a rondavu with her shoes"
Edward takes in a sharp breath
"are you okay? how are you feeling now?" more worry, i really hate hearing him worried
"i'm fine, i feel much better now" well its not a complete lie but 'much' might be an overstatement
there's hesitation before he replys
"okay, but i want you to tell me if anything changes"
"i will, don't worry Edward"
another breath "what happened after that? its beens hours since then"
no need to worry him, sugar coat it "i made it home and rested"
"why didn't you answer my calls"
"well...you generally don't hear things when your uncouncous"
"uncouncous, wouldn't you have come back here?"
"ummm..it seems i don't ...travel...when i...passout" i say regretting that this would only worry him more.
"Bella...love..."
"Edward i'm fine, i swear"
he sighs through the phone "I need you to lay down and rest"
"as long as resting doesn't involve hanging up the phone, i'm already lying on my bed"
"i really need to get a bed" he says under his breath, doesn't he have one?
"okay, but don't you have one already?" i ask and start to wonder whether i was meant to hear that.
there is hesitation "No...i don't sleep" oh, pardon?
"has this got anything to do with what you are?"
"...yes"
"Edward..."
"Bella, please, just please don't ask" he doesn't want me to know?
"Okay, i wont" for now "...so, why would you need a bed if you don't sleep?"
he clears his throat before replying "for you, your body needs somewhere to sleep"
"Edward, i already have a bed"
"I know...but, you don't have a bed here" is he asking me to move in with him?
"we'll have to remedee that then"
"it'll be of the best quality i can find, i swear" oh, he's so sweet
"can't wait to try it out"
"me too" he whispers and i am confused as to how he will use the bed when he doesn't sleep...Oh, that sneeky man.
"i bet you do" i say in the most 'sexy' voice i can pull off, completely expecting him to laugh but instead i hear a deep swallow.
"are you tired?" his voice taking on a husky edge
"are you trying to change the subject?"
"no, i just want you...here"
"i'm tired, i'm really really really tired" i reply quickly and Edward chuckles in return
"i'll see you soon my love"
"soon my love" i say before putting the phone down
i'm asleep before my head hits the pillow.
...
Epov
i can't believe i said that out loud. 'i really need to get a bed'! i've completely lost control since bella has come into my life. but who could blame me, with a voice like that, she could have any man on his knees. does she? Will i ever get the chance to tell her how i really feel?
we hardly know each other, yet i do know that she is my mate. Our connection has crossed the boundaries of time and space to join our paths together forever. Forever...humans don't live that long. I feel like i've been hit with a canon ball as the realisation hits me. I've been living in a fairytale. We could never have forever. I won't change her, she is my mate and i will not put her through that pain. All i can offer her is to live out the remainder of her life by her side. But what kind of life would that be for her? I can't offer her what she wants. Surely she desires to have children someday and twenty years from now? we wouldn't be seen as a couple in love, the public would assume she was my mother. She deserves so much more then what i can offer her and i don't deserve her at all.
I finally understand what Carlisle ment by irrevocable changes.
Bella would always be my mate, but she, being human, would move on.
FLASHBACK
Edward, can i see you in my office? Carlisle calls to me in my head once i've taken a brake from working on a recent composition
"Of course Carlisle" i reply before heading upstairs.
When i enter his office, he is sitting on the edge of his desk.
"Edward please sit, i wanted to talk to you in regards to your Bella"
i was worried for a moment, but then i realise that he had pronounced Bella as mine. So i sat and decided i would listen to what he had to say.
"I wanted to discuss with you my theories as to your strong reaction to Bella's presence"
I wanted to tell him there was no need, that i already new the reason, that she was the one, but i was confused. I had never before experience such rapid changes in emotions that they gave me whiplash before.
"I'm all ears" i reply
"Well, if i'm to be perfectly honest Edward, i really only have one theory. Do you have any idea as to what that is?" he probbed me with his eyes and i looked down towards my lap.
he sighs before continuing
"Edward,i believe she is your mate"
I breath of relief excapes me as i release the lung full of air i truelly hadn't even realise i had been holding and a smile plays across Carlisles face that tells me he knew that that was the theory i had been hoping for.
"I know things seem complicated Edward. But surely you must see the effect she has had on you. You have already displayed emotions that your mother and i truelly feared you would never feel. And i want you to know that you shouldn't be ashamed of the strength of these emotions. You have witnessed the mating of your mother and i, as well as that of Emmett and Rosalie. You will experience rapid changes in moods and every little piece of information your mate offers to you will become vitally important. You will do anything for your mate. And Edward, i want you to remember that changes such as these can not be undone in a vampire."
"why would i ever want to undo this?"
"you wont, i'm simply informing you that from now on, nothing will ever be the same..."
END FLASHBACK
nothing would ever be the same. that is last though i have before i begin to feel the presence of my...Bella, from now on she is my mate only in my mind. I have to keep my distance from her. So that she may move on.
"Edward" i hear he heavenly voice as she touches my arm and i so nearly cave, but i resist.
"Bella" i reply and i am amazed at how controled my vioce sounds when on the inside i am at war with myself.
"I..is something wrong?" why does she have to sound so damb small and fragile.
"No, nothing's wrong. However, i feel i need to tell you that i've made a horrendous mistake in leading you on the way i have, there is no future for us" i expect her to fight, to call me out on my lie but instead she does the onething i don't want her to. she lets go.
for a moment i feel her just standing there behind me and my legs tremble with the need to turn around and beg for her forgiveness but i don't and then it's too late and she is gone. it is then that i loose all control as i spin around to face the empty spot where she was just seconds ago and i gasp with pain as our current it severed so suddening. For a moment i loose all concept of where i am and i fall to my knees as the dizzyness takes over. It's not a severe as last time but still unsettling for a vampire. How is this effecting Bella? she said last time made her regergitate and pass out! My phone is in my hand in less then a second but my thumb hesitates above the call button. I had just effectivly broken up with her. No matter how concerned i am, She wouldn't want to talk with me right now. Would she ever want to talk to me again?
"what have i done?"
"that's exactly what i want to know bro" my head shoots up to be caught in the glare of Emmett.
"I did her a favor" i defend my actions. "She's better off without me"
Emmet doesn't seem to understand my logic as his eyebrows and his mind ask 'are you serious?'
"Yes"
"And how exactly did you come to this conclusion?"
"Isn't it obvious?" i reply. how can he not see that i am wrong for her?
"no, bro, it isn't. In fact the whole family, even Rosalie deep down, was happy that you finally found your mate"
"This isn't about me"
"Isn't it?, from where i'm standing it's all about you; because that girl seemed pretty into you, which i might add means you just broke that poor girls heart" i flinch at the thought of hurting her, but i know its for the best.
"She is human, she will move on in time"
"Dude...you have seriously messed up" and with that he leaves me to my self hatred.
i'm just glad Alice isn't here.
"EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN" Speak of the pixie and she shall appear at your door out for your non-existant blood.