Jarita could NOT stop freaking out.
As she, Elana, Mariah, Megan, and Emma walked all the way across the school to their final class, Biology, along with G, Min Min, and Aidan, she kept chittering away like a hyperactive squirrel about how weird it was for the seemingly perfectly controlled, cool and emotionless teacher to be watching hentai in class.
"I bet Mr. Wang would never do that!" She declared, hugging her Bio binder close to her chest. "Looking up hentai, my God, he seemed so professional, he seemed so young, so... oh, innocent?"
"Jarita," Elana said tersely, beginning to lose her patience. "For the hundredth time, what in the world is hentai?"
Jarita waved her hand absentmindedly. "It's nothing, too gross to explain!"
"Isn't it like Japanese po-" Megan began, but Mariah and Emma shushed her.
"Ew! I agree with Jarita, I don't even want to hear about it!" Mariah clasped her hands over her ears.
"Me neither. Live and let live." Emma shook her head.
"Hoo boy. I sure hope we get a sub for Bio," Elana prayed. Their teacher, Mr. Bending, was generally credited as the toughest Bio teacher in the school. Sub days were amazing.
They walked in silence for a while. The Bio wing was really far away, almost a ten minutes' walk.
Elana was frowning in concentration. Something had been bugging her, but she wasn't sure what. Then Jarita hit it spot-on.
"Hey... guys, this might seem kinda weird, but... have you guys noticed anything a little... strange about the subs?"
"Well, they're all a little... different," Emma said before Elana could cut in.
"Yeah, I know, but what-"
"What she's trying to say is that there's something similarly weird about all of them," Elana finished Jarita's sentence for her.
Mariah nodded vigorously. "Yeah! I've been thinking that too!"
Megan's brow furrowed. "Yeah... yeah, you're right! Now that you say... they kind of all seem to know each other, don't they?"
"Yeah, they do!" Jarita bounced a little while she was walking. "Mr. Wang definitely knew Honda-san."
"Yeah, and my math teacher said that he and Herr Seitz knew each other really well," Megan nodded. Then she giggled. "And then he was like 'no homo...'"
"And also, they all seem to have different ethnicities," Mariah pointed out.
"Yeah, and not only that... they're all really passionate about where they come from. And they act so... so..." Elana was so excited she couldn't find the word.
"Stereotypical?" Jarita suggested.
"Yeah! They all act exactly like Germans, or Chinese, or whatever..."
"I bet it's some sort of thing for Cultural Week," Min Min said from a distance, disrupting the girls.
Aidan nodded. "Yeah. I bet they're all fake, anyway."
G shrugged. "Nothing to get excited about."
Elana seethed as they scuttled away. "They are not fake," she grumbled.
"I dunno... they seem kinda... really excessive," Megan said unsurely.
"NO! They're not-"
"I don't know if they're 100% real deal, but I know they're not employed by the school-at least, not for Cultural Week." Mariah said quietly.
"How do you mean?"
"Well, for one thing, if they were employed by the school, they would have taught us more. I mean, my French teacher yesterday basically just knocked France for the entire class. Second, they would have put them in their own cultural environment. Like, for example, my French teacher-he was, like, British. Why wasn't he teaching English? I mean, he didn't even like France. Why was a Japanese guy teaching English and not, like, Technology or something? Why wasn't Mr. Wang teaching Chinese? If it was for Cultural Week, they would have them all teaching, like, their respective subjects or whatever, or they'd all have taught different Global classes.
"And... for a third thing... they've all kind of done... weird... things. Like Honda-san looking up whatever he was looking up, and Mr. Kirkland bashing France so much yesterday... and Mr. Wang was so, like... laid-back. Eating food in class and stuff." Mariah took a deep breath, feeling a little embarrassed. "So... yeah."
It was Megan's turn to nod virgorously. "Yeah! Like my German guy... he didn't talk about Germany at all. He literally didn't teach us anything. He just kinda lazed around and talked about random crap. He was even drinking beer!" She paused, then grinned. "Jeez, looking back... he really was awesome!"
"I don't think the teachers are fake and I don't think they're employed by the school, at least, not in that way," Elana concluded as they neared the classroom. "I do think there's something strange about them, and it's weird that they all know each other, and I'm gonna get to the bottom of-"
As she nonchalantly opened the door, Elana stopped speaking and stared, wide-eyed, at the incredibly hot man standing in front of her.
All of the subs had been pretty handsome, but this guy trounced them all. He had silky, wavy, blonde shoulder-length hair, dazzling aqua blue eyes, and the beginnings of a rugged-looking goatee. He was wearing a snazzy dark blue suit and a crisp red tie, and he was leaning almost seductively on the teacher's desk while carrying a stack of papers.
The sub smiled devilishly. "Bonjour, mademoiselles," he greeted the girls in a sexy French accent. "And monsieurs, as well," he greeted Aidan, Min Min, and G. "I sincerely hope zat you are of ze class 4 ah-beh-seh? Because eef you weren't, zat would be such a peety. Mon dieu! Such beauty lost!"
Elana was dumbstruck. But she wasn't sure if it was in a good way due to his hotness or a bad way due to his creepiness. "Uh. Yeah. So. You're like. Our sub?"
"Zat I am, belle fille. I am being your, eh, Biology teachzzer for today, oui? Seet down, seet down~" He said in a singsong.
In order of quickness to get to their seats, from fastest to slowest: Min Min, Aidan, G, Mariah, Elana, Megan, Jarita, and Emma. The latter two seemed a little starstruck, especially Emma.
"Eh, ze school eez ordinarily so boring, non? But today-ah, today!-today we shall be learning ze joys of 'uman anatomy et reproduction~!" He had a sort of lilting, singsong voice, seeming to make every sentence into an overly joyous little tune.
Anatomy and reproduction? Oh God... Elana though, her heartbeat accelerating. Then she cracked her knuckles and leaned back in her seat. This... is gonna be interesting. Hoo boy.
"Ah, mon dieu! How exzessively rude of me!" The pompous sub smacked himself on the cheek. "I zeem to have forgotten to eentroduce myself!"
Brandishing a brand-new stick of chalk, he began to write something on the chalkboard in flowing, loopy cursive...
MONSIEUR FRANCIS BONNEFOY
...which he then proceeded to decorate with artistic little spirals.
Mariah gasped and suddenly remembered something that she had thought was trivial at the time.
The advice Mr. Kirkland had given them last period on the previous day: "Courez pour sauver votre virginitè! Run for your virginity! A phrase to use should you ever encounter my foul French acquaintance... Francis Bonnefoy."
Francis Bonnefoy.
It had to be the same guy. Monsieur Bonnefoy even looked like someone who would piss off proper Mr. Kirkland.
She shot a glance at Megan, but she didn't seem to have noticed the connection.
"Uh... M-Mr.-I mean Monsieur Bonnefoy? Can Megan and I go to the bathroom?"
"Oui, oui..." Monsieur Bonnefoy mumbled.
"Good. Th-thank you!"
"W-wait! What are you-" Megan protested, but Mariah was too quick.
"Megan!" She hissed once they were safely out in the hall. "Do you remember French yesterday when Mr. Kirkland was ranting? He said something about if we ever met his French acquiantance Francis Bonnefoy that we should run for our virginity! And this is him!"
Megan sighed, rolling her eyes. "It's nothing to worry about. He was probably just annoyed at his French-ness."
"Meg, are you crazy? That guy is probably a pedophilic rapist or something!"
"No way. Besides, how could he rape us in class, or something?"
"Be careful today, Meg!"
"Calm down, Mariah."
...
"Ah... eez zis really all of you?"
France gazed disappointedly at the sparse class. All the girls were beautiful, of course, but only the Japanese-Hawaiian boy and the Italian boy really looked truly handsome. He would have to pay extra attention to them to let them know~
Elana raised her hand, still her ordinary bold, cool self, as she had been all day despite all the weirdness. "I think Jack Smith is supposed to be here..."
"Oui, I was eenformed of 'eez absence earlier... eh, eet eez such a pity..." France sighed and proceeded to turn on the projector. "Such a handsome boy..."
The students, in particular the males, shifted uncomfortably in their seats.
"Now... you shall label zis peecture here, as your sheets zat you received are unlabeled-" he laid a picture of a naked male with his "parts" labeled on the projecter. "Ah, what joy! Zis eez 'onestly my favorite subject..." He laughed-giggled, really-very softly. "You zee, my punkeesh acquiantance 'oo comes from ze UK... 'e was left teaching my native language-French! Ah, ze language of love, truly... I cannot fathom why he dezpizes it so..."
"Mr. Kirkland!" Mariah blurted out. Then she ducked her head, embarrassed.
"Ah, mademoiselle, you met 'im, I see... so boring, non?" France laughed again, this time louder. It sounded creepy and sinister, very stereotypically French. "Ahonhonhonhonhonhonhonhon..."
"U-um... I thought he was... kinda cool..." Mariah mumbled, creeped out by the laugh.
"Sacre bleu! 'Ow do you find zees boring and punkeesh Eengleeshman cool? Ehhh, you are woefully miseenformed, leetle Mareeah..."
He "tsked" with his tongue and turned to the projector. "Eez everybody done eenjoyeeng-eh, copyeeng zis?"
The class murmured and nodded. As France turned off the projector, he winked at Emma and blew her a kiss, causing her to blush.
"Courez pour sauver votre virginitè!"
Mariah clapped her hands over her mouth at the outburst as the class fell silent. I. Just. Yelled. That. Out. Loud.
Monsieur Bonnefoy slowly turned to Mariah (whose already rosy face was growing as red as the corsage pinned to the sub's front pocket), looking very uneasy.
"Eh... 'run for your virginity?'" The class began to giggle. Mariah vigorously shook her head while Megan rolled her eyes. "I am eempressed zat you know ze language of love, Mareeah, alzough why would you say such vulgar theengs?" Then he faced the entire class, spreading his arms wide. "Virgeenity eez a terrible thing to try and save! All of you, you should try to lose eet! As soon as possible!"
Now the class was beginning to understand Mariah's strange advice. Especially Megan and Elana.
France glided over to Aidan and put a white-gloved hand on his shoulder, stroking it lovingly. "Just look at zis fine jeune homme. 'E weel surely-eh, hopefully-lose heez virginity before ze rest of you!"
"Okay... dude... can you like... stop touching me, please?" Aidan said, creeped out.
"Mon dieu, but why? You should eembrace ze touching! Eet eez only with ze touching zat you get... to ze love." He twirled some of his long hair around his finger. "Wheech breengs us to ze next part of our lesson..."
Mariah, Emma, and Jarita, along with most of the rest of the girls in the class, decided to cover their ears about halfway through the next discussion, during which, according to Megan and Elana, the teacher succeeded in reaching a whole new level of awkward. They merely heard little snatches, which were creepy enough by themselves.
"And so you-with zheir-and you-in zheir-and you-in zheir arms."
Jarita cautiously removed her hands from her ears, hoping the lesson was almost over.
"But personally, I prefer to-"
The hands went back up.
...
Near the end of class, something odd (well, even more odd than the rest of the class) happened. France's cell phone went off. And he actually answered.
"Bonjour?" He answered in a seductive voice. Then his expression turned sour. "Oh, Arzzur... for ze last time, ze children are perfectly fine with moi! Even one-Mareeah, I believe-she appreciates my own language more zan yours! And for ze last time, au revoir!"
He ended the call with a disdainful flip of his hair.
"Silly Arzzur... 'e is so punkeesh. 'E would be so cute eef only 'e was always silent..."
France glanced at the clock.
"Ah, mon dieu... eet is almost ovare. 'Ave a good day, cheeldren..."
The girls hightailed it out of there like a drunk Frenchman was chasing them.
"I... I don't even have any words for that..." Elana said, dumbstruck.
That pretty much summed up all the girls' moods as they hurried off to their sports and buses.
Ahonhonhonhonhonhonhon. I am sorry for ze lateness, but alas, ze school calls me... tell me, cheeldren, what did you theenk of ze perverted, yet belle Biology teachzzer, France?