Chapter Ten: Dead and Foolish

Present Day
January 3rd 2011, 06:30
Forks, Washington

"You sure did think about Bella an awful lot," Alice murmured, her voice thoughtful not judgemental.

I shrugged, and answered before Carlisle could start digging a hole with that nasty tongue of his. "The created do not feel what the creator feels for them, however the created are instinctively... how would you put it? Connected? Tuned in to? However, no matter where in the world a vampire's maker may be, the created's mind will wander to them, sometimes randomly. Sometimes they cannot stop thinking about them, perhaps that is why Carlisle constantly thought about me."

They were all silent for a moment. I wondered if they were thinking about Carlisle. Of course, Jasper would be thinking about me. And there was something different about Alice as well. I couldn't place what exactly was different about her than from perhaps Emmett or Rosalie. However, there was something different about Jasper. Something different about Edward. But Alice, she must have been made by a completely different vampire. Did Jasper find her wandering? I heard a slight southern accent to her bell-like voice whenever she spoke. Was she the result of vampires wars too?

"Do you think about the one who made you?" Alice asked, her tone only suggesting that she was curious.

I shrugged. "Not so much anymore. He is long dead."

"Who was he?" Carlisle questioned, his eyes burning for more knowledge. If there was something he was completely interested in other than medicine and being a saint, it was my past. He was constantly asking me before I left him. I never told him a word, in case he would hate me and leave me.

I guessed I did not need to be worried about that anymore. I was going to leave him again anyway.

"His name was Cyrus," I recalled, my voice thoughtful. "His mother was a noblewoman of Greece, perhaps the sister of the king. His father was the king, or ruler, or something important of Romania. He was a little younger than I am now when he changed me. Far older than the Volturi."

"Tell us of your youth," Alice exclaimed. "I mean, we're all pretty young compared to you. None of us have met a vampire who knew the world when it was young."

I smiled, a little amused. "I have known some who claimed to be cavemen. Of course, the Volturi took care of them. They do not appreciate when some lie about their age. However, some may not have been lying either." I paused and took in their expressions. "The law enforcers of our kind are bullies, dictators, whatever. The second you hit one thousand years old, never stay in one place more than a century. There is a temporary power in the newly born. There is more permanent power with age. Whoever told you change was impossible, I tell you now, they lied. Look at me."

Their eyes scrutinized my face, my brittle skin, my fierce eyes. "Close your eyes," I whispered, voice soothing, coaxing. They did as asked without a second thought, and with their action I quickly snapped all of my shields back into place. Alice was the first to appear alarmed, so I crept forward. Quickly and without hesitation, I wrapped my arms around her skinny little neck; a twig against my remarkable strength. She hissed, but there was fear in that hiss. The others reacted quickly, jumping to their feet and bending into offensive crouches.

I snarled. "Don't you dare move. I am invisible in the eyes of your instincts." I turned back to Alice and placed my lips at her ear. "When I was your age, I never had such control over my gift." I chuckled. "You think Aro wants you now, little girl, imagine yourself in one thousand years. We'll be together, me and you. By my side, grey robes hanging from your back and eyes as red as the blood you will bathe in every night."

I let her go and scooted quickly to the door, nothing in the natural world recognizing my movement. I smiled weakly at them all as I opened the door and turned off my two outer shields, so I wouldn't unnerve Alice anymore than I already had.

"I don't need her gift to predict the future. We will all fall victim to the Volturi. If I can kill a two thousand year old vampire at the age of a little more than seven hundred, imagine how weak you look to me, all of you." I shrugged and flipped my hair. "We are all going to die, because of me. I will tell my story. I will leave. We will die separately. Perhaps it will be easier that way."

I was about to leave when I heard him speak. An act of rebellion, nonetheless. I would not expect any less of that beautiful boy.

"No," Edward said, voice a little shaky. "You won't leave." He closed his eyes and took a breath. "You love me."

April 14th 1912; 02:20
24hrs
RMS Titanic

I couldn't take it. Ever since that afternoon, I had been thinking about Edward. I had confessed to him that there was no spare room. In a moment of guilt, I had told him that I lied to him so he wouldn't get cold. I offered him my bed. He got a little angry, I'll admit. Not because I'd lied to him and not because I had offered him my own bed, but because I had nowhere to sleep. I guessed that a little part of me hoped that he offered to share the bed with me but that was a dark, forward fantasy. He almost walked out of the stateroom, and that would have broken my dead little heart. I wasn't completely sure why though.

He was no one.

But I felt something for him. That something was dangerous, for both him and myself. Him as it would lead to him being cursed to this life and cursed with putting up with me for eternity. If there was enough compassion in me, I would have let him go, or at the very least killed him. That way I would get to taste that wonderful blood that coursed through his veins.

I stopped him from leaving, by grabbing his wrist and suggesting in a rather high pitched, desperate voice that I would be sleeping with James anyway. The worst lie that had ever been conjured up in my mind slipped between my nasty lips then. I told him that James and I had been trying for a baby for the past few months.

That broke my dead little heart more than I could have ever imagined.

So I did not dare to dwell on it.

It was twenty past two in the morning, and Edward had gone to bed around twelve. My bed. He lay in my bed, my bed with red satin sheets, golden silk cushions, pillow cases bejewelled with only the finest of diamonds and rubies. I could imagine his wild hair, spread over those splendid pillows. His eyelashes trembling with dreams. I wondered if he liked the bed. He may never have had slept in something so comfortable in his life. I never had. I could remember from when I was young, beds were made from straw and feathers, if I was lucky. Not overly comfortable, but I wished I had appreciated my bed more when I was human. It was a place where I was safe to slumber, safe to shut my eyes and rest.

Perhaps, my body never felt safe enough to completely relax anymore so I could not sleep. Maybe vampires had evolved enough to cope with their constant paranoia and therefore inability to sleep.

I could sense his peace. And my instincts wanted to take advantage of that beautiful harmony.

My sense of smell was overwhelmed with that wonderful aroma of his blood. My instincts could sense through the smell that the human was asleep and vulnerable. Perfect. No fighting. No screaming. Quick, easy and painless. I'd never been picky when it came to choosing my prey. Asleep, awake, vulnerable or not, they were all the same to me. I was a coward after all.

But I wanted him. I wanted Edward. I wanted his blood inside me, to give me the strength to keep moving through this endless forever.

So I got to my feet in a moment of complete self weakness. I held my journal tight in my grasp as I moved quietly. The scent of his blood called to me, sung to me like a song too beautiful for humans to really comprehend. They could never understand how fine a heartbeat was, how tuneful a pulse was. They could never appreciate what they took for granted. And I guessed I was the same in that sense. I took my beauty for granted, used to coax humans to love me. I took my vampiric abilities for granted. A human would give their very heartbeat, the only thing I had ever truly yearned for, to become what I was.

That was the fatal flaw of humanity.

Carlisle didn't look up from his complicated book on human anatomy as I walked past him. James was looking out the porthole, an empty champagne glass in his hand. He did not take any notice of me as I opened my bedroom door. Not even Jasper or Laurent looked up. Everyone was too caught up in their own thoughts to wonder what I was doing. However, I did see a little smirk on James' lips as I closed the door behind me.

Edward was even more wonderful than I could ever imagine.

His dirty shirt lay in a heap on the carpet. He lay with his arms open and head tilted to the side. So wonderful. I wanted nothing more than to go up to him and touch his cheek. The satin sheets were creased and only pulled up to his hips. His chest was unhidden. Young, slim, defined. The solider in me quickly went through a physical check. Fit, yes. Healthy, of course. Stupid... Yes. There he was in a vampire's bed. Of course he was stupid. Just like me. Only the stupid were made into vampire soldiers.

He was the perfect solider.

That was the only grounds I ever changed a human into a vampire, except Carlisle. He was an accident. My first and only accident.

I could change Edward. He would protect me from anyone who wanted me dead. A bodyguard. I didn't want to be alone when I got off this ship. If I were to bite him, right then and there, his conversion would not be complete by the time the boat docked. However, there were ways around that. If he could keep quiet...

No. I would not damn him for my own selfish reasons. I did not need anyone. I had travelled by myself for hundreds of years. I was a coward, I'd admit but I could survive by myself. I could go by forever without anyone. However, my forever was ending soon. My will for death was only getting more potent. With each failing attempt, the will grew. Life was like an itch I couldn't reach. It was getting painful.

Edward's lips parted and a little moan escaped. His eyelashes trembled. His fingers twitched. How could anyone be so beautiful?

I sat down on the chair next to the bed and opened my journal. I had bookmarked the next blank page with a piece of charcoal. I must have sat there for the best part of an hour. His scent did not bother me so much whilst I was so preoccupied with drawing his beautiful face. I never wanted to forget it. I sketched him with his eyes open though. Lucky for me, Edward was deep sleeper and didn't notice when I pushed his eyelids up to look at those wonderful emerald eyes.

I never wanted to finish that drawing, I soon realised. Every second I spent perfecting his perfect face was only prolonging the moments till his imminent death.

I closed the book and left it to one side. I unpinned my hair from the top of my head and took his face gently between my fingers. I could feel the hot little beads of moisture on his skin. I could feel his blood, hear his steady heartbeat. As I leant forward, his heartbeat began to pick up. The second my nose skimmed his neck, that beat was like a hummingbird's wings. I glanced at him, afraid that he had awoke. He had not. He was still sleeping soundly. My eyebrows furrowed. He must have been having a nightmare. Little did he know, he would never wake up from that terror.

"Bella?"

I shot bolt upright at the sound of Carlisle's voice. My instincts did not appreciate his intrusion. I growled at him.

"Leave me be," I muttered.

"Don't do this," he said. "You are better than this."

"Do not patronize me, Cullen."

"Look at him," Carlisle whispered. "He makes you happy, and you make him happy. Why do you kill anyone who brings you joy and keep anyone who puts you through agony?"

What he said affected me in ways I did not want to show. That was just who I was. I didn't know why I was a magnet for bad things. I was so used to it. Sometimes I noticed, whined about it and moved on. It was just the circle of my life.

"Do not make me repeat myself," I replied, refusing to raise my voice at him. "I cannot curse him as I have cursed you and Jasper."

"Leave him be then. Bella..."

He stepped forward and kneeled down next to me. It was so dark in the room. His lovely blond hair was tainted by the darkness, as was the beautiful silk ribbon he used to tie his short curls back. His dark eyes watched me, contemplating on what to say next. They fell to the floor all of a sudden. What was he thinking?

I used to my fingers to tilt his head up. "If you wish to say something to me, then you will speak in front our sleeping witness."

"Bella... I want to love you." His words didn't soak in for a few long moments as the silence played out. He spoke again. "I do not wish for you to leave me. I simply cannot be without you. That time you left me with the Volturi... I was merely half the man I was when you were by my side. Your presence makes me whole. Yet, you are still so young despite your age. You do not understand. When James..." His voice broke, like he was going to sob. I reached up and tucked a lock of stray hair behind his ear.

"Oh God." He looked towards the ceiling, perhaps trying to find some evidence of God somewhere in the darkness. "I cannot love you. Every time I hear James hurting you, when I hear you cry for help, I cannot do anything but listen. I listen and imagine, if I were the one making you scream so dreadfully and God forgive me, I lust in it."

His face was contorted so, I thought he was going to cry. He was so horrified and ashamed. I took pity in him. His words merely surprised me, didn't shock or disturb. I had met men who had described in absolute detail their wildest fantasies. Some of which were more disturbing than others. However, I had lived long enough to learn not to judge him. Perhaps once upon another time, Carlisle's admission would have disgusted me. Perhaps I might have recoiled. Not anymore.

I laid my hand against his cheek. "Oh, my darling. What a fool you are to think you could not tell me such a thing. I love you and I would never judge you. You can trust me with anything, and if something as little as some sadistic tendencies stand in the way of your will to love me, then you are a fool. After all, I must be a masochist if I am surrounded by men who wish to hurt me, one way or another."

Carlisle glanced at the boy next to me. "All but one."

I looked at Edward too. "All but one," I repeated quietly and took Carlisle's face in my hands. I kept eye contact with those sparkling dark eyes. "My darling, you must know that I love you. How I have yearned for you all these years and how I wished for you to love me. Your admission has finally brought me to see the light. You have loved me. I see it now. Your sadism has kept you from loving me because you knew that it would hurt me. Hurt is how you show your love for me and I finally see that. However," I paused for a moment and pulled his head to rest on my breast. I stroked his hair like he was a little boy. "I must regretfully decline, as I must admit myself, I think I have fallen for our sleeping witness."

Carlisle pulled back from me suddenly, so suddenly, that he fell back himself. He fell backward; his hands quickly stretching back to catch his fall. I stared at him and he glared in return. Such a gentleman...

"You are so very cruel, Isabella," he snarled. His voice was loud as I had been sitting in silence for so long. The noise rung in my ears and I was scared it would wake Edward up. Only those who deserved to rest got to rest. "You have thrown yourself at me since the moment you brought me into this cursed life! The very moment I give myself to you, you reject me like I'm worth nothing! Why have you lead me to believe that you loved me, that you wanted me? Was that your intention? To hurt me as I have hurt you?"

I shook my head, eyes hard. "I have never led you on. I will always love you. You have had just over two hundred and forty-six years to admit your love and you wait till the very moment I say I am going to leave you and admit my love for another before you confess your love for me? That is not love, Carlisle. That's desperation. You will find your soul mate, as I have found mine."

"You have known the boy for three days and you proclaim that he is your soul mate? That is not love. I should never have prevented you from killing him for that is lust in its purest form."

I shrugged. "Time is meaningless to one who is ageless." I chuckled as I looked over at my sleeping angel. "We'll see if what I feel for him is lust or love."

"Bella!"

I laughed quietly, humourlessly. "Such dirty words should only excite you, my darling. Perhaps hurt you too, but know they are only words."

Carlisle got to his feet, turned his back to me and quickly left the room. I followed him, not wanting to finish the longest conversation I had had with him for years. It was only later I realised that I did not close the door behind me.

James looked as angry as ever as we emerged from the room.

"I am not happy, Doctor Cullen," he growled. "How dare you try and claim what is mine?"

"Bella is not your property," Carlisle muttered as he threw himself onto the sofa next to Jasper. I doubt he had even moved in the past hour. I wondered idly what he was thinking about. What was going on in that old soldier's mind? Then I realised. That poor man was probably suffering. The scent that wafted through the room was probably killing him from the inside. I suddenly felt protective over Edward. He wasn't safe there.

"James, darling, all is well. Why don't we go to your bedroom?" I suggested as I laid my hand against his chest. I stood on the tips of my toes and kissed his neck, hoping his lust would make him forget what he heard. I was foolish to think such things.

"You," he snarled. I refused to let myself flinch. "You were going to leave me! You were going to leave me for that child!"

I stood my ground and looked into his dark eyes. He must have been very thirsty. They had tried to descend to the lower decks earlier, but the third class passengers must have had a meeting or something. They had all split up and were revolting at different passages which led to the boat deck. The crew too were busy trying to calm them down as well as keep their distance. It was too difficult to try and to get lower so they decided just to try again the next day.

"James, calm. That was simply a lie, my love. I would never leave you for something as silly as a human. It was a lie to prevent Doctor Cullen from taking what is yours, my darling."

I didn't know whether he believed me or not. Carlisle wouldn't believe me, he knew me too well. I watched James' eyes, hoping to a god he would just go to the bedroom. I couldn't protect Carlisle from him.

"Very well, little girl. Just so we are clear, I do not want you to be near that human. If I find that you have been lying to me, you will wish he had never been born. There are so many ways to torture a human without spilling a single drop of blood. And I promise you, darling, I will fuck him as I kill him before your very eyes."

I gulped the venom that had been building in my mouth. I nodded one quick jerk before switching to plan B. I removed the distance between us and picked up his wrist. He allowed me to move his arm freely, so I laid his hand on my breast. He wasn't ready to give up just yet. His eyes were on Carlisle as he administered slow, thoughtless squeezes to my breast.

"And you, Doctor Cullen, will leave my wife alone! She is mine, and she rejected you herself! I will kill you also if you try and win her over. I swear-"

Completely out of ideas, I succumbed to plan C. This was my least favourite plan and I really needed to think of new ones. I hated bringing myself so low, especially in front of my boys. However, the more I let James speak, the angrier he was going to get. The angrier he got, the more likely he would kill and burn everyone in the room.

It had happened before.

It was just after we destroyed our first village together. He was boasting to some vampires about what we did and whatever happened, he got pissed. I made a run for it while he danced round flames and purple smoke, scared for my own life. But for some reason, I still ended up following him. He didn't know at the time, but I was watching his every move.

I flipped my hair behind my shoulders and fell to my knees. James looked down at me, bewildered and I felt a little of my dignity die as I pulled down his zipper.

A/N: Please review!