Sam stalked down the upstairs hallway towards Dean's temporary room, his brow was furrowed and dark circles turned his green eyes into bright daggers of color. It had been another day in Wonderland - everything distorted. Dean jumped at every little noise and Sam had caught his brother looking at him several times from across the room. It had become unnerving and he would demand an explanation.

Dean had to talk about whatever had happened otherwise Sam would go crazy. Guilt was a vaporous thing that threatened to disappear or overwhelm him at any moment. His older brother had always been a man who could deal with whatever life could throw at him. The demon must have done something truly heinous.

The door was open so Sam peeked inside before entering. Dean sat on the bed, staring blankly at the far wall, a dead look in his eyes. He looked up as soon as he noticed Sam was standing there and tried to smile nonchalantly.

"Hey, Sam." Dean greeted him with forced cheerfulness.

"Cut the crap. I know that we can dance around this for months and I'm not going to let it go that far." Sam said, clearly drawing a line. "I need to know what happened. Not the sugar coated edition that you probably pushed on Bobby. I need to know the truth - I have a right to know. As your brother and as the host of that demon."

Dean flinched at the mention of the demon and Sam's lips pressed into thin lines. If it was the last thing he did, Sam would see his brother healed from whatever inner torment kept the older Winchester haunted. Sam stepped into the room and shut the door, leaning his back against it. They were alone and he would get answers if he had to force them out of his brother with some well-placed guilt.

"Dean." Sam prompted.

The blond man bit his lip, his eyes brimming with tears which he tried desperately to ignore. The burning behind his eyes drown out the tightness in his chest and throat. How could he tell Sammy the truth. It would break his heart and they would be over. Their friendship ruined by actions out of either of their control. Dean was terrified, his heart pounding in his chest.

"I don't know how to tell you, Sammy. What that demon did." Tears streaked down Dean's face before he could stop them. He sniffed, swiping a hand over his eyes. "It - It. God, Sam!" A sob broke through his defenses and shook the man's frame.

Sam was at his side in a moment, kneeling next to him. "Dean." He reached forward but Dean pulled back with a terrified gasp. "I wouldn't hurt you. Ever." Sam said, trying to remain calm. "Please, let me help you."

"That's the thing, Sammy." Dean let out a hysterical laugh. "Your what I'm scared of. How can you fix that? How, huh?"

"I don't know." Sam responded honestly. "But I'm not going to give you up without a fight."

"You say that now." Dean hung his head. "Wait until you know what it is that I have done."

"You didn't do anything." Sam put a hand on the bed next to his brothers, being careful not to touch the other man. "It was all the demon."

Dean shook his head, too choked up to speak.

Sam let his heart do the talking. "I will never stop admiring you or stop looking up to you. No matter what. I promise."

"Don't make promises you can't keep." Dean sobbed, his facial muscles twitching from raw emotion. "Please, just leave it. You don't want to know."

"Tell me."

Sam waited patiently. He knew that this was it, his brother would tell him what had happened or he would remain silent forever. The quiet stretched out between them filled only with the sound of Dean's uncontrolled breathing. Tears were still falling, eyes still deadened. Dean knew that this was it. He took a deep breath, held it in and then with what was left of his courage blurted out the truth in five short words.

"The demon raped me, Sam."

Sam blinked, his mind unable to process what he had just heard. He stared at Dean who refused to meet his gaze. The silence returned as Sam grappled with his equilibrium. The world had suddenly shifted on it's axis and Sam felt like he was going to fall off into dark, cold space. Without thinking, Sam latched onto Dean's arm not willing to let go for even a moment. He had to hold on to or he would fall apart.

"He…" It was the first word Sam could force through his throat. "He…How?"

Dean gave him an 'do I REALLY have to explain that to you' look that caused the younger man to blush profusely.

"I - I mean, was it…me?" Sam asked the question in a horrified stutter.

"It was the demon." Dean confirmed in a hard tone.

"I'm so sorry, Dean." Sam felt his own eyes dampen and felt his eye begin to twitch. This was not what he had been expecting. Torture, pain and twisted words he had been ready for but not rape. He could not comprehend what his brother had been through.

"Don't apologize." Dean said firmly. "It wasn't you. The demon was in control."

"But you're scared of me. I can see it."

Dean cleared his throat and wiped away more tears. "That's not your fault. I'll get over it soon…just, I can't. There's no way for me to stop seeing HIM when I look at you."

Sam's vision tunneled, the edged going gray. He wanted to puke or tear something apart with his bare hands. How could fate be this cruel? Dean had spent his entire life saving others and this was the thanks he received. Sam felt anger burn deep inside of him. He turned a flashing gaze on his brother.

"We are going to make it through this, I'm not going to let you give in to this fear." Sam promised. "I don't care if it takes a year - we are going to work through this together."

Dean shot him a shocked look. "You mean you don't hate me?"

Sam clenched his jaw at the genuine surprise written across his brother's face. "Of course not. Don't get me wrong, I want to kill the demon that did this too you, but, I don't remember it Dean. It isn't going to affect me the same way it is you. I could never hate you even if I hadn't lost my memory."

"Then…how do we do this?" Dean asked earnestly. "Moving forward isn't going to be easy. I mean, sitting next to you is hard. I was anti-social enough before this happened."

Sam smiled shortly at the attempted humor and then his smile died. "One day at a time, Dean. One day at a time."

Feeling that he shouldn't keep any more secrets Dean looked at his hands. "I asked Bela to stay until I was feeling better."

"God! Why?" Sam ask incredulously.

Dean shrugged wearily. "Sounded like a good idea at the time. I didn't plan on telling you any of this you see and I thought that we might need her help on the hunt and…yeah."

Sam studied his brother. "We've always got Bobby. He wouldn't let anything happen to us." Sam paled and quickly added. "As long as we can get ahold of him. Besides, after what you just said do you seriously think I'd let you get anywhere near a hunt?"

"Guess not." Dean said sheepishly. "So, what now?"

Sam rocked back on his heels. "Now, we find a support group, get ourselves informed and work through this. Or we could just weather through. It's really up to you, Dean. We'll work at your pace."

"Bobby knows." Dean said suddenly, remembering that morning's emotional talk on the porch.

Sam stood to his feet, brushing wrinkles out of his shirt. He looked at his watch and grimaced. His brother looked exhausted after their long, heart-to-heart talk and he felt it time to leave Dean alone. His brother always did like to work through things alone, still Sam would be keeping a sharp eye on him in the weeks to come.

"I'll let you get some sleep." With one last look at Dean, the dark haired man made his exit from the room.

____

Dean sat in deep contemplation long after it grew dark outside. Sam had not turned him away even after learning what had happened. That was encouraging, but it didn't change the fact that Dean could not yet distinguish in his mind the body of his brother and the actions of the demon.

There would be time to give up later, for now Dean was determined to find a way out of the fear and unease. The horror.