In Too Deep

(Chapter Ten: Goodbye, My Love)

Neither of them was ready to part when Sunday rolled around. Elliot had promised Kathy that he would be there when she returned home with the kids, but that wasn't the first promise he didn't keep to her. He called and gave her some story about having to go in and get a few things done before he would be home. Really the only thing he was doing, was Olivia.

They didn't get out of bed until after noon. Making love three times before he got up to make her brunch as she took a shower. Elliot felt bad that he was sneaking around on Kathy and lying to her and his kids. But he hadn't been this happy in years. It wasn't just the sex with Olivia. The sex was better than it had ever been with anyone else, but there was so much more. She understood him. She believed in him and she listened to him. Sometimes she knew him better than he knew himself. They could just glance at each other and hold entire conversations in just one look.

He never would have let things go this far with her if things between he and Kathy were not already finished. They were more like roommates than lovers or husband and wife and it had been like this for a long time. Elliot often found himself hoping that he would find out she had been seeing someone else, so that he could take the easy way out of the marriage and end it on her terms.

If Kathy moved on, she would be more likely to work with him on custody issues. But if she found out he had an affair, especially with Olivia, she would be pissed off and let her anger and emotion toward him effect her judgment for sure. Kathy didn't love him anymore and he didn't love her, not the way they used to be in love. He used to see himself in her eyes when he held her and feel how much she wanted him when they touched. Now they barely brushed each other passing in the hall and if he tried to put his arm around her or show any affection she would either snap at him or simply say she wasn't in the mood. It was as if his mere presence pissed her off. Nobody could live like that, he thought to himself as he heard Olivia's shower shut off and he poured her a cup of coffee.

She entered the room wearing a pair of tight jeans and a tank top and she had her wet hair pulled back in a towel. "Thank you," she said smiling as he passed her the coffee cup. She was always so sweet and nice to him. Well, not always. But most of the time. There were times when he would piss her off and she would snap or yell at him, but he almost always deserved it and she couldn't stay angry with him for more than a few hours. She had him beat, though. He couldn't stay mad at her at all. Something about her had a hold on his heart. It had been this way since day one, even before he realized how stunningly attractive she was and that he was in love with her.

Olivia picked up the cup and pressed it to her lips as she took a sip o the hot liquid. She stared across the counter at him noting the look of concern on his face.

"You want to tell me what is wrong?" She said softly half knowing the answer.

Elliot looked up at her and smiled. "Nothing is wrong," he slid his hand over and laid on top of hers, "for the first time in a long time Liv, I've got things right."

She smiled back at him and stared into his eyes. "You hate this. It is eating you up," she said and he looked at her as if she had just caught him doing something illegal. "I know the feeling, Elliot. Why do you think I broke this off so many times? I love you. And I love us. But sometimes the guilt is just too much to handle and you need a break from it." She sat her coffee mug down and walked over to him. He said nothing, just stared into her eyes wondering how she could read him so well and his wife of twenty years barely knew him at all.

"I just hate lying to my kids." He replied after just staring at her for a few minutes.

"Look," she said as he pulled the towel from her hair so he could run his fingers through it, "if you want to cool it for a little while… just kind of pause things and take a break…have a little time to think or re-evaluate….I understand."

She was in his arms. Elliot had no idea how she could be so understanding. "I want this, Liv. I want you. I choose you. I just have to find a way to get rid of her without losing my kids. I know what I want, there is no need to re-evaluate anything. I'm just going to have to stand up and face this like a man and tell her the truth."

Olivia took a deep breath and pulled back from him for a second. Then looked up at him blinking her big brown eyes. "What if she takes your kids? What are you going to tell her if she asks you to choose?"

He looked at her, them both knowing the answer to her question. Olivia felt like an enormous bitch for even asking it. She would never expect him to give up his children for her. She would never accept it if her did. But part of her was in panic at the thought of losing him for good and the words slipped from her mouth before she could catch them.

"She wants me to take some vacation time. Two weeks with her and the kids, camping like we do every summer. I have been putting it off because of this, us. But I have pushed it back as far as I can without her figuring out something is up. We leave this weekend."

Olivia looked up at him partly devastated that he was leaving her to vacation with his wife and the other part in shock that he had not mentioned it before now. She bit her bottom lip as she tired to hide the look of disappointment before it crossed her face, too late. She let go of him and walked across the room to stare out the window as she felt a few tears fall.

"I don't want to go, Liv. I would much rather be here with you. But I think it would be good for my kids, especially if we end up getting a divorce to have one last family vacation to look back on."

"Yeah," she said softly unable to say anything else.

Elliot put his hand on her shoulder, but she refused to look at him. "I think I'm going to ask her for a divorce when we get back. I don't want to do it before then and ruin it for the kids or us end up fighting the entire time."

"Are you going to tell her about us?"

"No…I don't know. About the affair, maybe."

She looked up and felt a knot tighten in her stomach at the thought of being his dirty little secret. "And if you do get divorced we will have to lay low for a while to keep her from finding out about us?"

Elliot rubbed his hands over his face and exhaled as he leaned against the arm of the sofa. "Yes. That would probably be best."

Olivia turned and looked at him through tears. "What is I can't wait?" She asked as he looked concerned.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I don't know if I want to wait here for you for however many months it takes for this to go through and not know if or when I will see you again. I mean, maybe it would just be better if we…."

"You want to break it off? I am about to end my marriage for you and you want to break it off?"

"I didn't ask you to do this Elliot! I don't want you to do it for me! If you leave, if you end a twenty year relationship with your wife, it needs to be for you! Not for me."

He exhaled loudly and stared at the floor. She could tell he was upset with her and that was why he wasn't talking. That was his way of not arguing with her.

"Elliot, you need time to focus on what you are about to do, because it is a very big deal!" She sat on the sofa beside him. "Then when it is done and completely over. We can have a new start. With no guilt, no lies and nothing to hide. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to look at each other in public and not have to worry about who is watching? Then when you tell her you had an affair, you can honestly look at her and tell her it is over and it wont matter who it was. Elliot, I'm not going to be with anyone else, if that is what you are worried about. I just don't think you and I should be sneaking around like this when all hell breaks loose. I think you need to prioritize, here. You should never have to choose between being happy and in a loving relationship and being with your children. I would walk away before I ever made you choose. But I know that is what she is going to do and if I walk now, you wont ever have to make that decision."

He knew she was right. And it wasn't fair for him to keep her hidden away like this, she deserved a real relationship. She deserved to be someone's only one. Not someone he turned to on the side for hot sex because his wife wouldn't give it to him. Elliot loved her. But he cared enough about her to let her go.

"If I do this, if we do this….break up….I don't want to lose you, Liv. I love you. But I think you are right. And I know that you deserve more than what I am able to give you right now." He stared into her eyes as she began to cry. Elliot wrapped his arms tight around her waist and held her for a moment whispering as he held his mouth against her forehead. "You deserve an honest relationship with someone who is there for you, every time you need him. Not someone who has to slip out and leave you alone every night to run home to someone else." He turned her to look into her eyes again. "It will take a few months before this all blows over, but I want us to come back to this." he raised her chin with his finger and kissed her passionately. It felt like the first time he had kissed her, the first time she had tasted him and felt the love he held for her.

"Okay," she whispered as she turned from him and seated herself at the dining room table and broke down crying.

Elliot watched her for a moment, his heart was breaking watching her cry. "Liv," he said softly as he approached her, "I thought this was what you wanted, what was right?"

"It is," she sobbed. "But it still feels….like I am losing you. Like this is real. It is over."

"But only for a little while. I promise. After the divorce, I will come back here and we will start this over. You and me."

She nodded and he kissed her lips softly. "What happens now, Elliot? We just pretend it never happened and try to move on?'

"I'm not sure, I have never done this."

"Me, either."

"You still have me. Okay, I am always going to be here for you. You are not losing me. I am still your partner and your best friend. We just wont be, like that for a while."

"Yeah," she agreed.

He stood and started to walk toward the door to leave.

"El?" She called out and he turned to look at her. "I'll miss you," she said softly almost embarrassed by the words as she was trying to be strong at least until he made it out the door.

He moved back to her and placed a kiss against her forehead as a tear rolled off his cheek. "I'll miss you too, Liv." Then he was gone.

As soon as she heard the door close she dropped to the floor and cried.