Sorry about the long wait. I was suffering from writer's block and I needed to save all the caffeine I had for the upcoming chapters. I promise that the next chapter will be 100% humor and randomness. In the meantime, watch as I unveil the mysterious origins of Malon...
LoZ Origins: Malon
"No! Not another one of these! I need my screen time, dammit!"
"Calm down Yuna. You'll get your fair share of screen time in this one."
"Then what the heck is this chapter going to be about? It says LoZ Origins: Malon, not LoZ Origins: Yuna! How the hell am I going to feature in a backstory where I wasn't even present?"
"Because I'm the one who's going to tell the story. As such, you'll be able to add some comments once in a while."
"Hold on a second. Does that mean I'm going to have to carry you around until this stupid chapter is over?"
"No. I'm going to time it so that the story will end by the time we get to the Great Fairy."
"How's that even possible? It's not like I've got one of those "Time Until Arrival" features they have on airplanes!"
"What's an airplane?"
"Never mind. Just start the story."
"Alright. I guess I'll begin with how my parents met..."
xxx
19 years ago...
Talon gave a large yawn as he woke up at the local inn. He was currently stationed at a small village located practically in the middle of nowhere. Not for the first time, Talon began to question why he was even at this place. Then he remembered his meeting with the king a few days ago.
"Talon, I've got a very important mission for you. Our scouts have just reported that the Goron BOULDER division has been dispatched and is heading towards a very valuable village. As a result, I've decided to send you and a small number of our best soldiers to defend this location. It's imperative that we keep this village in our hands. If we lose it, we lose the war."
Those were the king's exact words. Truthfully though, Talon didn't see what was so special about the place. The most interesting thing about it was a cookie shop located in the village's market square. Then again, if the king went out of his way to send his best general to defend it, it probably had to have some hidden importance that only the royal family knew about.
With a sigh, Talon stood up and...
Moo! Look at his muscles! And that wavy hair! He looks like some kind of model!
Yuna, this wasn't what I meant when I said that you could add a few comments.
Yeah, whatever. I just can't believe that a hunk like him would end up as some lame overweight farmer! I mean, he looks like a fusion between Mario and a Snorlax nowadays!
Yuna...
Oh, right. Continue on.
Anywho, Talon stood up and put on his clothes and armor. He prepared himself for another dreary day with nothing to do except paying an occasional visit to the sentries he had posted around the village. With another sigh, he left his room and headed down to get some breakfast. As he headed into the inn's dining room, he saw a group of local farmers discussing something in low, urgent voices. Curiosity getting the better of him, Talon walked a bit nearer to hear what they were saying.
"Have you heard? There's some really weird folk in town right now. They all wear these black cloaks with their hoods pulled down low so that you can't see their faces."
"Yeah! I've heard about them too! They're apparently asking around if anyone's heard of the 'MM' or something like that."
"Really? Do you think we should report this to the sheriff?"
"Don't bother yourself. They're probably just a group of actors trying to get people interested in a performance they're about to have. I can bet you anything that this 'MM' of theirs is the title for their show. They're just trying to figure out if people around here have heard about them or not."
"I don't know. They didn't seem to look very actor-like. Then again, the royal army's also here right now. Only a total idiot would actually plan something illegal with all these extra soldiers around."
"Yeah, you're right. I guess we shouldn't worry about it."
With that, the farmers went back to talking about their daily lives. Talon sneaked off to a table far off from the farmers and sat down. He processed the information he had just heard and decided to tell his men to heighten security around and in the village. Whoever these black-cloaked figures were, they didn't bode well with him. Hundreds of troublesome thoughts began to emerge as he tried to contemplate who this mysterious group could be. Luckily for him, his worries were abruptly ended with the arrival of some coffee and toast.
xxx
After finishing his meal, Talon stepped out into the streets of the village. Above him, the sky began to grow cloudy and gray. This only served to worsen Talon's anxiety. Having to stay on lookout was hard enough for his men without it raining as well.
With his thoughts lost in his worries, Talon was barely paying any attention to his surroundings. As a result, he soon found himself stumbling onto the ground after bumping into someone on the road. He immediately began to apologize as he stepped forward to help the person up. As he did so, he noticed that the person he had bumped into was actually a woman. She slowly lifter head and...
Let me guess. The woman was Din and the two fell in love at first sight, right?
Actually...
"Watch where you're going you dipshit!"
Talon backed up in surprise as the woman stood up and dusted off her dress. He now saw that she was actually around twenty or so with a rather thin constitution. However, he instantly got a feeling that the woman was actually stronger than she looked. Looking more closely, he saw she had long red hair along with eyes of the same color. Her face looked wise but also gave off a childish demeanor at the same time. As Talon continued to stare at her enchanting form, the woman angrily snapped her fingers at him to get his attention.
"Yo, Chuck! Are you just going to gawk at me at me all day or are you going to formally apologize?"
Talon blinked a few times before finally coming back down to reality. With the woman still glaring at him, he bowed his head slightly as he apologized once more.
"So sorry. I should've been paying more attention to where I was going."
"You're damn right, you should have! Ugh. People these days..."
Still grumbling to herself, the woman walked off and was soon lost in the crowd. Still a bit shaken from the encounter, Talon slowly set off once more towards the sentries he had posted around town. Little did he know that his encounter with the woman had been carefully observed by a pair of hooded figures.
"Are you sure she's the one?" the shorter hooded figure asked.
"I'm positive. Hurry up and report back to the captain. I'll see if I can tail her."
With that, the two silently moved off towards their respective destinations.
xxx
After meeting with all of his men, Talon decided to explore the village a bit more. He had already scouted out most of the place for security reasons but had ignored most of the shops during that time. Having nothing better to do, Talon decided now would be a good time to browse through those stores. As he headed into the market square, he saw the red-haired woman from earlier coming out of one of the shops while carrying a large bag. Even from the distance, he could see that she was in an even worse mood than before. Daring to get a little closer, he managed to catch a bit of what she was grumbling about.
"... damn sisters. Why am I always the delivery girl?"
Just then, a cloaked figure suddenly lept in and headed straight for the woman. In the blink of an eye, he snatched the bag the woman was carrying and tried to make his escape. Unfortunately for him...
Ooh! Wait, wait, wait! I've seen this on a Spanish soap opera! Talon's going to catch the thief and give Din back her stuff! That's how the two got together, right?
Yuna, if you keep interrupting me like this...
Oh, come on! It's not like I'm spoiling anything! It's so obvious how this story's going to turn out!
Just let me finish.
Ahem. Unfortunately for the thief, he spontaneously combusted.
What?
Yuna, shut up!
As everyone in the nearby vicinity watched, the thief immediately dropped the bag and ran off screaming before hurling himself down a well. The woman didn't even blink as she picked up her bag and continued to walk off. Talon wanted to follow her but decided that it was more important to hand over the thief to the local authorities. Forcing himself to turn away from the woman's retreating form, Talon went over to the well to help the other villagers in getting the thief out. However, much to everyone's surprise, all they managed to pull up from the well was a half-burnt cloak. Even after sending in a brave volunteer to check for a body, there remained no sign of the thief whatsoever. After discussing the strange occurrence with the villagers for a while, Talon walked off more confused than ever.
xxx
Even after spending a whole day of looking through the various shops, all Talon ended up buying was a new gauntlet along with a propeller hat that he managed to find at half price.
A propeller hat?
Don't question it. My dad always buys the weirdest things whenever he goes shopping. When I was four, he bought an ukulele and tried to play it every chance he got. Nearly drove my mom insane with that thing.
Okay...
Stepping out of the shop, Talon saw that it was starting to rain outside. With a sigh, he headed back into the shop to buy an umbrella. As he came back out, he saw the red-haired woman standing underneath one of the store's awning as if she was waiting for the rain to stop. As Talon was about to head over and offer to escort her, the woman snapped her fingers. Immediately, the rain stopped and the clouds parted to reveal the stars. As Talon looked up at the sky in surprise, the woman calmly picked up her bag and began to walk off. However, she had barely gone a few paces when a gang of unruly-looking men surrounded her.
"Hey, aren't you a pretty one? What're you doing alone at this late hour?"
The woman maintained the same neutral expression before replying.
"I'll give you all five seconds to get out of my way."
The men merely laughed at this and began to move in closer. Talon immediately pulled out his sword and started forward to intervene on the woman's behalf. It soon became apparent that he needn't have bothered.
"OH MY GOD! I'M BURNING!"
All the men around the woman spontaneously combusted and began running around in search of water. In the end, they all settled for diving into the well one after another. Acting as if nothing strange had happened, the woman started off once more down the road. Deciding that the local law enforcement could handle the ruffians in the well, Talon set off towards the strange woman. He managed to catch up to her just as she was rounding the corner.
"Hey, wait up!"
The woman turned around looking a bit annoyed at being waylaid once again. As soon as she recognized Talon, her expression became even more irked.
"Great. It's the dipshit again. What do you want?"
Talon, though a bit taken back by the sharp tone, managed to persist in his inquiry.
"I just wanted to ask you about that business back there with those thugs."
"What about it?"
"Well, it seemed like you set them on fire without even moving. I also saw what happened with that thief earlier today."
"Are you stalking me or something?"
"No. It's just my job to keep track of anything that might present itself as a threat to the village."
The woman gave an exasperated sigh and began walking off again. Taking his chances, Talon followed after her and continued with his questions.
"Are you some kind of sorceress?"
"No."
"Are you one of those Great Fairies in disguise?"
"No."
"Are you a ninja?"
"No."
"Are you the Lucky Charms leprechaun?"
"NO!"
The woman suddenly punched an unlucky barrel that happened to be next to her. Before Talon's unbelieving eyes, the barrel exploded into a million pieces as the blow connected.
"CAN'T YOU FIND ANYONE ELSE TO BOTHER? YOU'RE ABOUT AS ANNOYING AS MY DAMN SISTERS!"
"Please don't kill me," Talon managed to squeak out.
The woman stayed silent for what seemed like an eternity for Talon. Just as he thought that she was going to obliterate him, the woman responded in a surprisingly apologetic voice.
"Sorry. I shouldn't have freaked out on you like that."
"Say what?"
"I said I'm sorry. It isn't like me to lose my tempter like that. It's just that I'm under so much stress right now."
Realizing that he was momentarily safe, Talon decided to continue the conversation.
"Is it something that I can help you with?"
"Pfft. Unless you can go and strangle my sisters for me, I doubt it."
"What's wrong with your sisters?"
"Everything! They keep sending me out to do their chores for them! Just today, they sent me out to pick up some important deliveries that they needed! If that wasn't bad enough, they'll probably force me to do their paperwork for them as soon as I get back! They treat me like some kind of maid!"
"Wow. They sound like the biggest bitches in Hyrule."
Talon immediately clasped his mouth shut as soon as he said this. He wasn't sure why he had even said it in the first place. He quickly turned to apologize to the woman for insulting her sisters.
"I... I'm sorry! It just sort of slipped out! Please don't incinerate me!"
What happened next left Talon completely perplexed. Instead of barbequing him with her powers, the woman began to laugh. Talon just stood by looking confused for the next three minutes or so until the woman finally managed to respond between her giggles.
"I can't believe you just said that! Heh heh. You're either the bravest man I know or the stupidest!"
"Huh? What's so funny about me insulting your sisters?"
"Oh, you wouldn't get it. It's an inside joke."
"Okay..."
Following this strange occurrence, the two continued to walk down the street they were on in silence. Eventually, Talon decided to start up another conversation.
"So... What's your name?"
Instead of giving the annoyed look that Talon was expecting to get, the woman smiled a little as she answered.
"Din."
"You mean like the Goddess?"
"Yeah. Exactly like the Goddess."
"Well, my name's Talon. Now that we're formally introduced, how about you tell me where you're headed? I can escort you to your house if you want."
"Oh, I don't live around here. I was hoping to get a room at the inn."
"The inn? The last time I checked, the place was entirely booked."
"Damn. Guess I'll just have to set out early for home."
"In the middle of the night? Hold on a second. Why don't you spend the night in my room?"
As soon as he said it, Talon realized just how awkward his question had sounded. Din raised an eyebrow at him as if warning him to choose his next words carefully.
"Umm... that didn't come out right. What I meant to say was that you could borrow my room seeing as how I won't be using it tonight. I told my men that I'd stay on watch with them."
"You're a soldier?"
"General, actually."
"Impressive. Alright, I'll take you up on your offer. However, you have to hand me the keys to the room. And if I find you trying to sneak in, I'll turn you inside out with a rusty crowbar."
"D... Deal."
"Great! I owe you one!"
With that, the two walked towards the inn in much greater spirits. Above them, the stars seemed to reflect their mood by shining brighter than before. Even the insects seemed to be rejoicing as they created a musical symphony around the two. Just then, a mischievous smile suddenly crept onto Din's face.
"Hey, Talon. Quick question. Do you know how the moon and the stars were created?"
"That was random. Well... I'd have to say that the goddesses created them just like they created Hyrule."
Talon immediately noticed Din trying to stifle a laugh. This caused him to put on a puzzled expression again.
"What? Did I say something wrong?"
"No. By the way, do you believe that Hyrule is the center of the universe?"
"Umm, yes. One can easily tell that the sun, the moon, and the stars all revolve around our planet."
Hearing this, Din couldn't help but burst out laughing. Before Talon could ask what was so funny, she managed to ask him yet another question.
"Do... do you believe that Hyrule is flat?"
"Of course not! Everyone knows that Hyrule's round like a sphere!"
By now, Din was practically rolling on the floor in hysterics. Talon edged away from her as she continued to laugh like crazy. Just when Talon was wondering whether to get a doctor or not, Din stood back up and assumed her usual neutral expression.
"Sorry about that. I just couldn't resist."
Talon had on the most bamboozled expression ever to come across a person's face. After a minute or so, he had recovered enough to start questioning about Din's strange reaction to his answers.
"What is wrong with you?"
"Nothing. I just have a rather twisted sense of humor."
As Din and the very confused general turned a corner, a trio of hooded figures suddenly appeared and blocked their path. Just as Talon was about to ask them to clear the road, the tallest figure of the three stepped forward and bowed his head in a mocking way.
"Hello there. Would you two lovebirds give us a moment of your time? We've got some very important matters to deal with."
Talon immediately sensed that something was wrong. His suspicions were confirmed when he turned around and saw a dozen or so hooded figures standing behind him and Din. The mysterious strangers had them completely trapped and were slowly approaching the two. Knowing that these strangers meant trouble, Talon drew his sword and pointed it towards the hooded figure who had spoken before.
"Who are you people?"
The tall one, who was apparently the commander of the group, merely laughed at Talon's actions.
"I don't see the need to introduce myself to a dead man," he simply stated as he summoned a cruel-looking sword to his hand. The weapon had a thin blade like a saber and was easily as tall as the man who wielded it. Even with his immense battle experience, Talon couldn't identify the sword as anything he had ever seen before.
Without any warning, the mysterious swordsman rushed in at Talon with the intent of impaling him. However, his advance was cut short by a large fiery wall that suddenly appeared and separated him from his target.
"Why don't you people run off before somebody gets hurt?" Din asked as she summoned a large fireball to her hand.
The commander of the group merely gave an annoyed grunt and turned to face the short figure standing next to him.
"You! Warp us over to somewhere that's a little less crowded! In a narrow battlefield such as this, that sorceress has the advantage!"
"Yes, sir!"
The short one immediately began to chant in a strange language. As he did so, strange runes began to form around him. Then, in the blink of an eye, the scenery suddenly changed from an alleyway to a rocky plateau in the middle of a deserted wasteland. Before anyone could comment on the sudden change in the background, the commander ran in to attack Talon once more. This time, however, Talon was ready. He rolled out of the way and swung his sword towards his opponent. The leader's underlings watched in horror as their captain's arm was cut off. As his opponent screamed in pain, Talon stared him down with steely eyes before speaking.
"Give yourself up or I will finish you here and now."
Suddenly, the commander began to laugh. As everyone watched in confusion, he stood back up as if nothing had happened and grabbed his fallen sword with his remaining hand.
"Fool. One arm is all I need to..."
He never got to finish his monologue. While his attention was fixed on Talon, Din had silently sneaked up on him. Now that he had given her an opening, the commander found himself slugged in the stomach by an immense force. He had just enough time to let out a surprised grunt before he exploded in a flash of bright red light. Din casually dusted off her hands as she turned towards the remaining hooded figures.
"So. Who's next?"
Before any of the cloaked figures could react, a shadowy form began to take shape behind Din. In a few seconds, the shadows had solidified into the tall hooded figure. What was even more surprising was that he seemed to have regenerated his arm as well. He summoned his sword once more to his hand and slowly approached Din. Just as the swordsman raised his sword to strike her down, Talon took notice of him. Knowing that Din wouldn't be able to react in time even if he shouted out a warning, Talon threw himself between the attacker as...
Moo! Really? The classic "guy dies while trying to save the girl he loves" gig? Let me guess, Talon takes the fatal blow, Din defeats the enemy, Talon has tearful last words for Din, Din brings Talon back to life, the two fall in love, happily ever after. The end. Boring! If I wanted to watch a cheesy romance movie, I could've just watched Titanic! That would've been way more entertaining than this!
Yuna, if I wasn't as tired as shit right now, you'd be...
Yeah, yeah. But I don't see the need to continue on with this story. Why don't we just end it here and...
… the commander spontaneously combusted.
I should've seen that one coming.
As the commander dropped to the floor and started rolling around in an effort to put out the flames, one of the hooded minions noticed that the bag that Din had been carrying was lying on the floor. Apparently, Din had left it there when she went in to punch the leader. Now, the bag was lying on the ground unguarded. Seeing this perfect opportunity, the minion swooped in and snatched the bag as quickly as Jabu-Jabu would swallow a fish.
"Hey, captain! I've got it! I have the item we came here for!" the minion quickly told his superior.
By now, the commander had put out the flames and was preparing himself for another clash. However, once he heard his underling's comment, he immediately changed tactics.
"Quick! Give it to me!"
The minion threw the bag towards his master with astonishing speed. Finally realizing what was happening, Din tried unsuccessfully to intercept the throw but fell just short of reaching it. The commander caught the bag and held it triumphantly above him.
"Yes! Now the entire universe shall be under my rule! Nothing can stand in my way now!"
"No! Don't open it!"
"Foolish sorceress! Why should I listen to you? With this, I shall become the most powerful being in the entire universe! Bow down before your new god!"
With that, the leader ripped open the bag and pulled out...
a large chocolate chip cookie.
"Wha...?"
Everyone stared with open mouths at the commander as he stood frozen while still holding the cookie above him. What happened next would be forever remembered as the greatest mistake ever made in Hyrule.
"A... COOKIE? A STUPID COOKIE? I thought for sure that you would be the goddesses' delivery girl! Our spies told us that you'd be coming down to pick up the artifact today! How could they have been wrong?"
In his rage, the commander crushed the cookie he was holding. Everyone continued to stare dumbfounded at the commander as he brushed off the crumbs on his hand. Everyone except Din, that is. A red glow began to surround her as the ground shook violently. The very air around her crackled with pure energy as the glow began to intensify. With a murderous look in her eyes, Din turned to face the hooded ones' leader.
"YOU RETARDED INFIDEL! NOW NAYRU'S GOING TO FORCE ME TO BUY A NEW COOKIE FOR HER! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THOSE THINGS COST?"
"Twenty rupees?"
"DIE!"
Din raised her hand to eye-level and aimed it at the hooded ones. Immediately, a storm of flaming meteors descended from the heavens and smote every living thing on the plateau. Including Talon. Luckily for him, Din remembered at the last second that he was still there. She quickly pulled Talon towards her with some magical force just as one of the meteors flew towards him. Unfortunately, she was still a bit too slow to save all of him.
"My hair! It's on fire!"
Yep. The meteor had managed to graze his head just before Din pulled him to safety. While Talon was busy putting out the fire on his head, Din walked forward to inspect the results of her attack. As expected, every single member of the hooded ones were incinerated into ashes. Just as she relaxed, a sword came flying towards her from out of nowhere. The wielder of the weapon was none other than the commander of the hooded ones. He was obviously injured but apparently still had the energy to strike out at his opponent. However, his surprise attack on Din merely proved to be as foolish as crushing the cookie had been. Din simply grabbed the blade with her bare hands and snapped it two.
"No! How dare you do that to my sword? I'm going to freaking murder you!"
Just as the commander charged in at Din, a glowing ball of light appeared between the two. From this light, a shadowy, spiky-haired figure in a cape-like cloak emerged. As the glowing light behind him disappeared, Din tried to see who the figure was but found that it was impossible. It seemed as if the stranger was physically manipulating the shadows to conceal his form. Paying no attention to Din, the spiky-haired figure headed straight for the tall hooded one.
"Get up. We're retreating for now."
"What do you mean? I've got this bitch right where I want her! Just give me another minute and..."
"Fool. Are you so blind as to not notice who this woman really is?"
"Enlighten me."
"She's one of the goddesses of this land. That's right. A goddess. Now that you know how outmatched you are, hurry up and follow me out of this place."
The tall one gave an irritated sigh before replying.
"If you could just let me bring my army into this world..."
"You know that I can't transfer over that many people at once. However, that might soon change..."
The spiky-haired figure raised his hand and another glowing portal emerged before him. Of course, Din wasn't about to just let them leave so simply. She quickly summoned a fireball to her hand and hurled it towards the two retreating entities. Surprisingly, the spiky-haired figure simply raised his hand and seemed to absorb the attack. He turned to face Din with a shadowy smile on his face.
"Perhaps another time," he mockingly called out as he stepped into the portal with his associate. And just like that, the two vanished without a trace.
Knowing that the danger was now truly over, Din let out a deep breath and turned off her blazing aura. After checking to make sure that the hooded ones didn't leave any clues behind as to their identities, she walked back to check up on Talon.
"Hey, you okay? Sorry about the whole meteor thing. I tend to go a little crazy when I lose my temper."
Looking a bit closer, Din could now see that Talon was currently covering his head with his hands. He slowly turned to face Din with a look of incredulity on his face.
"A little? YOU WENT COMPLETELY BERSERK! LOOK AT MY HAIR! IT'S GONE! I'M FREAKING HALF-BALD!"
Talon lowered his hands as he said this so that Din could see his head. Indeed, all the hair on the top of his head was burnt off. Only a few tufts remained at the sides.
"Oops. Heh heh. Sorry about that. Look, here's a wig to cover it up."
As she said this, she summoned a wig from out of nowhere to her hand. Seeing this magical feat, Talon looked at Din with a look of awe and shock.
"Then... what those weirdos were saying... it's true? You're... actually the Goddess of Power?"
Din remained silent as she handed the wig over to Talon. From the look on her face, it seemed like she was quietly debating something. After a few minutes, she turned to face Talon with a apologetic smile.
"Yeah. Sorry about lying to you. It's just that I'm obligated to keep my true identity a secret when I'm dealing with mortals. Man, if my sisters found out about this, they would..."
"Assign you to paperwork for the next fifty years?" asked a feminine voice.
"Crap."
In a flash of blue and green, two women appeared before them. Appearance-wise, the two looked nearly identical to Din. The only exception was their eye and hair-color which reflected the color of the light that they had just appeared in. The green-haired woman was wearing an office-style blouse and skirt. The blue-haired woman had on a T-shirt and leather pants. Currently, the two were glaring at Din with equally annoyed looks on their faces.
"Nice going, you moron! Thanks to you, we've got to file another year's worth of paperwork to sort out the damage you've caused!" the blue-haired one, Nayru, shouted.
"Hey! I was under attack! I only used my powers to defend myself!"
"If that was the case, why didn't you just warp out?" the green-haired woman, Farore, asked.
"I couldn't! Those hooded weirdos were preventing me from escaping! I tried to warp out but something was stopping me from getting away!"
"Bullshit! How could anyone restrain a goddess? Stop making excuses for yourself and just apologize! Plus, I saw what happened to my cookie! I want a new one on my desk by tomorrow!"
"But I..."
"No 'buts'! I'm sick of hearing your excuses Din! Why can't you ever do anything correctly?"
"Hey! Stop ganging up on her like that, you posers!" Talon interrupted.
Nayru and Farore were struck silent at his remark. They were clearly not used to being spoken to like that. After recovering from their shock, Nayru turned to face Talon with a very arrogant look.
"And just who do you think you are?"
"Someone who can tell that you're treating your sister like total trash! I don't care if you're the freaking goddesses or not! It's obvious that you both need to learn some manners!"
"Oh, you did not just talk to me that way! Hey, Farore! Is it okay if I smite this guy?"
"Meh. I don't really care."
"Sweet!"
Just then, a wall of fire appeared, separating Nayru from Talon. Din had the red aura around her again as she faced her sister.
"Touch him and I'll crush you."
"Cute. Now let me through so that I can get on with the smiting."
As soon as Nayru took a step forward, Din ran in to make true of her words. However, before the two goddesses could clash, Farore teleported in between the two.
"Enough. If you two are going to fight, do it on an uninhabited quadrant. I'm sick of you two destroying entire galaxies every time you get into an argument. Now, both of you can either apologize to each other or end up destroying Hyrule. Make your choice."
Din and Nayru continued to glare at each other as they reluctantly stepped away from each other.
"I'm sorry that you're such an asshole, Nayru."
"And I'm sorry that you're an annoying prick."
"Good enough. Now then, let's get back to business. Din, did you get the artifact?"
"Yeah. You two should be thanking me seeing as how I prevented those hooded weirdos from stealing it."
"Whatever. Just give it to us already."
Din conjured up a small wooden box from out of nowhere and handed it to her sisters. Farore cautiously opened the case while Nayru peeked over her shoulder. Although Talon couldn't see what was in the box from where he was standing, he could still feel the immense power radiating out from inside the box. After confirming what was in the container, Farore quickly closed the box and nodded.
"It seems like everything is in order."
"Don't I at least get a 'thank you' for my hard work?"
"No. Besides, you're job's not over yet. You still have to deliver this to our contact for safekeeping."
"What? Couldn't you do that?"
"I could, but I have my own chores to deal with right now. It seems I forgot to unleash that plague on the Zoras last week. Anyways, you know the contact better than any of us."
"Yeah, but he still gives me the creeps! I mean, what's up with his purple suit and mask fetish?"
"Show some respect. He might be a bit eccentric but it doesn't change the fact that he's been loyal to us for all these centuries."
"Now you're making it sound like he's our pet."
"Just go and deliver the stupid artifact to him."
With that, Farore shoved the box back into Din's hands. Farore and Nayru surrounded themselves with their own colored aura as they prepared to warp back to the divine realm.
"Wait! Shouldn't you two launch some sort of investigation into who those hooded people were?"
"That's your problem, not ours," Nayru replied while sticking her tongue out at Din.
Just as Din threw a fireball at her sister, Farore and Nayru disappeared in a flash of blue and green.
"What I wouldn't give to throw those two into Death Mountain! Tch. Why couldn't I be related to Palutena instead?"
Still grumbling to herself, Din turned and walked over to Talon.
"You alright? Nayru didn't curse you or anything while I wasn't looking, did she?"
"I... I'm fine. Er, thanks for protecting me from your sister."
"Meh. It's the least I could do for someone who'd stand up for me against that bitch. Trust me, Nayru's the biggest diva in the entire universe."
"I've noticed... Soooo... What now?"
Din looked down at the box she was carrying and sighed.
"Looks like I've got another delivery to make. And I don't even know where to start looking for the guy I'm supposed to deliver it to. You know, I think I'll just bury this thing in the Mushroom Kingdom if I can't find him after a few months. I don't think my sisters' will give a care either way."
"What's in the box anyways?"
"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. And personally, I kinda like you so don't make me do that."
"O... Okay... Wait. Did you just say what I think you did? You actually... like me?"
"Anyone with enough balls to stand up to a bitchy goddess is alright with me. Like I said before, you're either the bravest man I know or the stupidest. And now I'm sure that it isn't the latter."
Talon blushed a bit when he heard this.
"Ah, it was nothing. I just couldn't bear to see someone being bullied like that."
"Well, it meant a lot to me."
Before Talon could say anything else, Din leaned in and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.
"See you later... little hero."
As Talon stood in a daze, the scenery around him began to rapidly change. In a few seconds, he found himself standing alone in his inn room. No trace of Din remained except for the warmth which remained on the cheek where she had kissed him. Just as Talon finally managed pull himself back into reality, one of his soldiers came barging into the room.
"Sir! You won't believe what just happened! Our scouts have reported that the entire Goron BOULDER division was eaten by giant Leevers!"
"Wait, what? The entire division was eaten?"
"Yes, sir! I still can't believe just how lucky we got! Those Gorons were said to be the toughest soldiers out there! Thank the Goddesses that we managed to avoid fighting them!"
Talon gave a smile when he heard this.
"There's only one Goddess that you need to be thanking right now. And I'm pretty sure I know which one."
As the soldier watched him with a confused expression, Talon looked out the window and stared out at the heavens that lay beyond.
"Thanks... Din."
xxx
Present time...
"... and thus their beautiful relationship started. The end."
"..."
"Yuna? Hey, Yuna! Hello? Anyone in there?"
"Huh? The story's over?"
"Were you dozing off this whole time?"
"No. I was just busy thinking right now. Your story brought back some old memories of mine."
"What kind of memories? Were they about your Burger King friends?"
"I'll give you five seconds to retract that statement before I buck you off."
"Alright, I'm sorry. Anywho, what did you think about my story?"
"Lame. Absolutely lame. I mean, your parents ended up together just because of that one meeting? How unrealistic is that?"
"For your information, they had a few more adventures together before they ended up married."
"What kind of adventures?"
"Well, there was that one time where they had to fight a three-headed platypus that had the power to shoot flaming waffles from its mouth. But that's a tale for another time."
"Three-headed platypus? Never mind. Anyways, where did your mom disappear to after you were born? From what I know of, Goddesses can't die."
"I never said she was dead. People just assumed that. What really happened was that she had to return to the divine realm in preparation for the whole Hero of Time business. She had to leave exactly three days before my sixth birthday..."
"I'm guessing you have a grudge against Link then. After all, he's the reason why your mom had to leave."
"Don't be silly. Even if the Hero of Time thing didn't start, my mom couldn't have stayed with us forever. She is a Goddess after all. Besides, Link's risking his life for us right now in order to defeat Ganondorf. If anything, I should be thanking Link, not holding a silly grudge against him."
Yuna gave a derisive snort at Malon's comment.
"Ganondorf's reign of terror could've been ended the moment it started if you went to stop him."
"Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. After learning about my powers, my mom specifically forbid me from using them in public. I think her decision probably had something to do with the cow incident."
"What cow incident?"
"When I was four, I threw a cow all the way to Death Mountain. At least I think it was Death Mountain. Come to think of it, I wonder what became of that cow? Maybe it's still living somewhere on the volcano."
"Moo! Why'd you have to go and throw an innocent cow for?"
"I was angry at my dad for stealing the last piece of candy and that cow was the closest thing standing next to me. Anyways, after mom saw this, she told me the truth about herself. Of course, I didn't believe her until she burned down the tool shed with a snap of her fingers. After we put out the fire, my mom warned me not to use my powers unless I was facing some kind of life-threatening situation. That's why I wasn't able to do anything about Ingo when he took over the ranch."
"If that's the case, why are you using your powers so freely now?"
"I don't. During our little adventure, I only used my powers when we were facing real threats. All those other times, I merely spammed those Naruto powers the author gave me."
"Really? Then what about Ruto? And that Skulltula guy? Or that boulder you threw in Ch 2? Or..."
"Oh, would you look at that. We've already arrived at the Great Fairy's cave."
"Getting a straight answer out of you is like getting Justin Bieber to act more manly. Now, get off my back!"