A/N- Thank you everyone for the reviews and comments! We enjoyed munching them with a side order of sherbet. Here's chapter 10, and part 1 of Edward and Charlie's DATE!
AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM MINI WILLY WONKA; "Dear people of the world- I like sweeties just like Edward. And so does my sister. What kind of sweeties do you like? Let us know! Also, would anyone like to marry me? Please submit in a review your hip measurements and cubic circumfence of your eyebrow hair. Thank you very much."
Edward the Sugar Queen
Chapter 10- Bella Destroys the Fourth Wall (and gets a job at Maccy D's)
Bella flowed out of the front door, robes trailing behind her. With blossom-stitched gown and electric pink turban, she was dressed like an empress. She took one dainty step forward, putting one dainty step before the other. But despite this, she still managed to fall daintily over. Only the embrace of Mike Newton's fifteen fingers stopped her from landing on her face.
She wobbled back up like a self-righting baby cup. Mike downcast his eyes, his face cast into shadow by the veil he was wearing.
"An honour it is to touch the Mistress of a Million Soles-" he mumbled.
"Souls," Bella corrected him, sharply.
"The Goddess so great, her omniscience even stretches to spell checking the script-"
"Yes, yes. Get on with it. I've read this bit already."
"That I should lay my fifteen fingers on her divine body-"
"Twelve fingers and three thumbs."
"- with my unholy three thumbs- it is a privilege-"
"Beyond all measure. I know. Is the litter ready?"
Mike ducked his head. "Yes, your grace." He retreated back, revealing where four litter-bearers were arriving carrying a cushioned carriage between them, shaded by silk curtains. The boys were Conner, Tyler and Eric Yorkie. Eric's toenails were the fourth litter-bearer.
Crouching down onto his hands and knees, Mike allowed Bella to step up over him into the litter. He cringed as Bella's heel crunched into his spinal column. Bella shuffled in and loosened the drapes- they fell like a tent around her.
She put on her Ipod and switched in onto shuffle. Not that it made much difference; she only had the one song by My Chemical Romance. Back in Phoenix she used to lie in bed with it on loop, musing the intense agonies of life and trying to perfect the timeless medium of the suicide note. Thankfully for the overflowing mortuary- and unfortunately, for the rest of us- she never got it quite right.
No more than a whisper of a whisper; "Beeelllaaa…."
Louder; "BEEELLLLAAAA!"
"BEEEEELLLLLLLAAAAAAA!!!"
Bella took the headphone out of her left ear and frowned. Jacob had arrived; his ugly face protruded through the gauzes.
"Out!" she snapped, and palm in his face, pushed Jacob out of the litter. She heard the thump as he hit the ground.
A moment later; "Please Miss Bella," – plaintively- "can I come in?"
"Password?" Bella demanded.
"… Password?" Quizzical.
"You need the password to enter the fort."
Relenting now, but resentment dragging his voice; "Edward's nipples are huge and one is bigger than the other."
"Come in!" she sang. Jacob climbed up, wriggling under the curtains like a limbo dancer. Bella wrinkled her nose. For some reason, he was completely covered in hardened mud.
"What is it, my delightfully dirty dog?" she asked, giggling at her own alliteration. He bowed his head, looking pale.
"Mistress, at 1300 hours I received information that tonight Edward is going on a… date."
One.
Two.
Three.
"WHAT?" she screeched. "This wasn't in the script! With who? I'll kill the little bitch-"
Jacob blanched further. "No Mistress… it's… well it's with your father. They're… going to see Stevie Wonder in Seattle."
Bella went into cardiac arrest.
*
Renee was putting on his earrings in the top bathroom when he heard Bella arriving at the screaming abdabs. He unfurled the blinds to see Bella rolling around shrieking. Renee tutted, and turned back to the mirror to apply his favourite snake-green eye shadow. When he glanced back, Bella had gone into some kind of fit. The boys were fighting over who would perform CPR. Jacob punched Tyler in the jaw.
Oh, she'll be alright, Renee thought.
When Bella had been successfully resuscitated by three horny boys and ten yellow toenails, there was fire in her eyes and blood on her chin. She twitched convulsively. Renee put her elbows on the windowsill and watched all this like a mildly interesting television program.
"To SEATTLE!" she shrieked. The litter-bearers groaned.
Renee rung for a taxi. With his other hand, he pulled out a tranquiliser gun from the ironing cupboard. Sighing, he cocked it.
*
Giggling, feeling as light as though he were full of helium, Edward took Charlie's hand. Charlie smiled shyly. Overheard swung a sign that said, 'McDonalds'. As they pushed the door open, a wobbling litter came round the corner, the three young men carrying it plastered with sweat and moaning softly. They collapsed down onto the sidewalk. A young woman in glittering robes and pashmina appeared out, using the men as stepping stones to avoid a murky puddle. Jacob groaned as his face was smooshed into the water; bubbles escaped him.
"One happy meal please," Edward chirped, inside the shop. The Pakistani employee's pit-marked, spotty face scrunched in confusion. Then he looked up. Suspended only by Charlie's hand, Edward floated up by the ventilation system like a balloon.
"And a cheeseburger," Charlie added gruffly, daring the man to say something. He gulped and wiped the chip grease from his brow.
"Right away," he said.
Edward spread his happy meal around him in order of size, edibility, and amount of rat tails. He also found- to his delight- a tacky plastic Scooby Doo with moveable arms and detachable head. He ate the head.
"Says you get a different toy with every happy meal," Charlie said contemplatively, looking at the leaflet. Edward's eyes lit up like thousand-watt light bulbs.
Seven happy meals later, Edward had assembled the entire collection.
"I don't LIKE----- APPLES!" he screamed, throwing his mixed fruit bag at the attendant behind the counter- who looked strangely like Bella. She scrambled after it.
Edward pulled out a big bag of sugar and tipped it over his food, tossing the pickles, lettuce and meat behind his back at some screaming toddlers. What was left- namely, the empty buns- he filled with caster sugar. He slurped them down, picking up his Daphne figurine and banging her against the table. Charlie removed the toy from his fingers and took his hand in his. Face smothered with mustard and crystallised sugar, Edward smiled tenderly.
The moment was broken Bella shoved a wet, dirty mop in their faces.
"Free cleaning service," she said in monotone, trying to suffocate Charlie. He shoved the mop away. Not recognising her, and with a "hmph" he whisked Edward up and stomped out the shop in disgust. Edward paused to scoop up the remaining limbs of his Scooby Doo toys into his pockets.
"Thanks for the wash, Mrs Mcdonalds," he said, beaming, before Charlie dragged him away.
Bella decided to take this as final proof of Edward's undying love.
"Thanks for the wash," he had said, meaning; "Thanks for rescuing me from that pervert leech, toots," –his sultry, long-lashed eyes closing, shimmering with lust. "Mrs Edward Cullen-" he'd called her- that wayward gherkin on his brow, so sensuous, erotic… "I want you to do the sideways monster mash with me… Bella-"
"BELLA!" The manager was fuming. "Stop daydreaming and get back to work. This floor won't clean itself, you know."
Bella screamed at him, throwing her hairnet in his face.
"I QUIT!" she shrieked.
"…But you only started working five minutes ago."
"I don't CARE. There are absolutely zero promotion prospects in this occupation and your dental plan is CRAP. And furthermore, I find the dress code sexist and DEMEANING." She took off her McDonalds t-shirt and threw it at him. "I'm suing the company for MILLIONS- though even that will not abate the pain I've suffered at your greasy hands!" And in her trousers and bra, she stalked out the restaurant.
TO BE CONTINUED…