A/N: Wow, ten chapters already. Back when I was working on chapter two I outlined the rest of the story (three hand-written pages), and there's still a lot more to come, a lot I'm looking forward to writing. I have a feeling it's going to be a little harder once Season Three starts in a couple weeks but I want to see this through. As always, thanks for reading.
Juliette groaned as she rolled over on the hospital chair. Even though it folded down into a bed, that didn't make it any more comfortable. Night number two was even worse than the first. She'd slept erratically, exhausted but waking frequently when medical personnel came into the room to attend to Avery. She didn't want to miss anything even though they promised to wake her if something important was happening. Once she'd been roused by the sound of someone weeping in the room next door.
Staring at him lying so still in the hospital bed, she wondered if he hurt. Intellectually, she understood he was sedated, but she knew if you were breathing, you were probably hurting. He might be screaming somewhere in his mind. You never knew what was going on under the surface.
Over the past couple of nights, she'd prayed a lot, even though she felt she didn't have the right. If God was listening, she asked him to ignore the messenger and only to think of Avery, his kindness, his decency, how much he was still needed here. During the day, others came and joined her in the vigil: Emily and Bo, Scarlett and Gunnar, Deacon and Rayna, Glenn. It struck Juliette that these were the only people they had in the world, and how grateful she was to have them, that they stuck around even when she gave them reasons to give up.
Except Avery did have other people in the world: a mother and father, sister and brother. She assumed they were all alive, but she couldn't be sure. Glenn had hired a private investigator to find them, but she hadn't heard anything yet. A tiny part of her wondered what it would be like to have family like that and to just walk away. She'd tried to cut her mother out of her life a thousand times but couldn't do it. Despite the fact that she felt Avery knew a lot about her, there was still a lot she didn't know about him.
She heard a soft knock and saw Glenn standing in the doorway with a couple of bags in his hands. "Morning," he said to her.
Juliette pushed off the blanket and sat up. "What time is it?"
"Around nine." He put the bags on a chair and walked to Avery's side. "Morning, buddy," he said, and Juliette loved him for talking to Avery, for acknowledging his presence in the room.
"Any word from that private investigator?"
"I've been keeping in close contact, but he's found no leads so far. The next step would probably be putting him on a plane to Ohio, except we're not entirely sure exactly where he should go."
"Well, Athens County. How big can it be?"
"The P.I. says it's very rural. It's in the Appalachian Mountains."
"He mentioned mountains once."
Glenn motioned to the bags. "That's a change of clothes from Emily, and a blueberry muffin for breakfast."
"Thank you," she said, crossing the room. She hoped maybe eating would quell the nausea she was still battling. Pregnancy plus extreme anxiety wasn't a great combination. She dug into the paper bag until she found the food.
"Juliette, why don't you take a break from here for a little while? You'll sleep better in your own bed."
"I went home yesterday."
"For half an hour to take a shower. That's not enough. You know they're taking good care of him here." He shook his head. "I worry about you."
Juliette brought the muffin to her nose and inhaled. She was trying to block out the strange antiseptic smell of the hospital.
Glenn sat down in a chair near Juliette. "I know things have been awful, but you never told me just what is going on between you two. I know it's none of my business but I can't figure it out. You split up, then he comes to see you in the ER; he's arrested for his fight with Jeff but you won't contact him, then you go to his place and have an argument and this happens. There's something missing here. What am I not getting?"
Juliette swallowed a bite of the muffin. She was torn between telling Glenn and keeping the secret for a little while longer. But she hadn't even had time to talk to Avery about it, and it didn't feel right discussing this with anyone else before him. "It's complicated," she said. "All that matters now is making sure he gets better."
"Yes," Glenn said, but wasn't placated.
They both stood up when a doctor walked into the room. Juliette recognized him as the pulmonologist. "Good morning, Ms. Barnes," he said and stood at the foot of Avery's bed.
"Good morning, Dr. Choletti," she said, and motioned to Glenn. "This is my manager, Glenn Goodman."
"Nice to meet you." The doctor took a quick glance at Avery's vitals on the monitor. "I wanted to come in and give you some news."
Juliette's stomach clenched.
"Avery's oxygen levels have improved significantly over the past thirty-six hours. I'm going to start weaning him from the ventilator. He's recovered enough to be able to breathe on his own, but we'll take it slow."
Juliette reached out and grabbed Glenn's hand. "Thank God." She felt a little faint but took a deep breath.
"The respiratory therapist will be handling the bulk of it, but I'll be supervising."
"Thank you, thank you," she said.
The doctor nodded. "He's going to have a long road ahead of him, but we've gotten him through the worst of it. I'll see you soon," he said, leaving the room.
Juliette turned to Glenn and hugged him tightly. "This is the best news I've gotten in months."
"Absolutely." He gave her a squeeze. "What do you want me to tell the P.I?"
Juliette thought for a moment. "Tell him to hold off going to Ohio for now. If I can talk to Avery, I'll see if he wants his family here." She turned to look at him. "Avery, you'll be off this thing today."
Juliette stood outside of Avery's room. The ICU area was a circle of rooms with a large nurses' station anchoring the middle. They'd asked her to leave for the process of extubation. Throughout the morning and afternoon the medical team had been reducing Avery's sedative and paralytic medications and he was slowly regaining full consciousness. Juliette could hear the respiratory therapist speaking to Avery, trying to orient him.
"Avery, you're in the ICU at Vanderbilt. You had a bad asthma attack and we needed to put you on the ventilator for a couple of days. It's time to take the tube out."
She wished she could be inside with him, hold his hand, something, but they thought it might be upsetting for the both of them to see each other at this moment.
"Good. This is the last suctioning pass we're going to do. I know it's uncomfortable." Juliette shivered at the thought of what they were doing to him, as necessary as it may have been.
"You're gagging. Honey, this is normal. Don't panic, it's temporary."
Then she heard what she thought sounded like retching. "That's it, Avery, that's it, almost there, good! The tube is out. Relax, relax, the hard part is over. We're giving you a nasal cannula now with oxygen."
She wanted to run into the room but she had to wait. But then, the creeping anxiety that had been on the edge of her mind all day suddenly burst forth. She didn't know what to expect. Would Avery remember why he had the attack in the first place? Would he hate her, blame her, for essentially making this happen? What if he wasn't the same?
A nurse popped her head out of the room, breaking the crazy cycle Juliette was running on. "You can come in now."
Juliette took a deep breath and walked in.
What a huge relief it was to see Avery without the breathing tube, to see him open his eyes, even though it was clearly a struggle. She walked to his side and took his hand gently, as he had an arterial line in his wrist, which was taped to a board.
"You remember who this beautiful lady is, Avery?" the nurse asked.
Avery squinted and turned his eyes to her. "Ju- Juliette," he said, his voice incredibly hoarse and ragged.
Her name never sounded so beautiful. Tears sprang to her eyes. "Yes, baby, it's me. I'm here. I've been right here the whole time."
"You did such a good job, Avery," the therapist said. "What a brave man you are. Try to rest your voice right now, okay? Your throat probably hurts."
His eyelids grew heavy and were closing. "I couldn't breathe," he said.
"I know," Juliette said. "But you're getting better."
"I was drowning in the river." He closed his eyes.
Juliette gave a puzzled look to the therapist.
"He's confused. One of the side effects of the sedative we gave him is hallucinations. He'll be okay. Give him time."
"He's got all my time," Juliette said, rubbing small circles on his thumb.
He woke up coughing. Slowly, awareness of his body, of pain, began poking into his consciousness. The IV needle in his right arm jabbed him when he moved. His left wrist was hyper-extended by the board it was taped to for the arterial line. Dear God – he had a Foley catheter. He kept coughing, which hurt like hell, as he slowly opened his eyes. The lights were so bright.
When his eyes focused, he saw Juliette standing at his bedside with a pink kidney-shaped basin. She held it up to him. "Hey. They gave you this for, um, 'clearing secretions.'"
He took it and spit into it. His throat burned. Then he handed it back to Juliette, who gingerly placed it on the rolling table beside his bed. "Good morning," she said. "How you feeling?"
Avery blinked, trying to come up with something. "Like I've been tortured." He saw how her face fell at his words. Her hair was tangled and her eyes were glassy and red. "You look about the same."
"It's Thursday," she said. "Did you know that?"
He remembered waking up yesterday with the ventilator tube still in, panicking, wanting to pull it out. Then the extubation, which really did feel like torture. But wasn't it just Monday? "Three days?" he finally asked.
"Yup. You were still out of it last night, mostly slept, which is what you need." She sat down in a chair beside the bed.
Avery tried very hard not to look at Juliette. She had that same look on her face that his parents so often wore when he was a child: like they were trying to hide how terrified they were, hide how much hell he had put them through. "I'm sorry," he said.
"For what?"
"For doing this to you. It's an awful thing when someone is sick." He'd almost said, 'when someone you love is sick' but that wasn't what she felt for him anymore.
"Avery, this isn't your fault. We both know that." She kneaded the edge of his blanket in her hands. "It's my fault."
Her fault? He couldn't process this for a moment. Then his mind went tumbling backward until he could picture himself in his apartment, reeling from the news that Juliette was pregnant. He inhaled sharply, which caused his chest muscles to tighten.
Juliette touched his arm. "You in pain? You want me to get a nurse?"
Avery forced himself to exhale, remembering years of respiratory therapy. He knew hyperventilating would only make his situation worse. He shook his head. "It's okay." He shifted on the bed, every muscle stiff. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm fine," she said woodenly.
"Will we ever be able to talk to each other again?"
She turned to him, puzzled. "What?"
"I want you to start at the beginning, Juliette." He paused, eyes distant. "You're pregnant. You obviously knew before I did, so you've had more time to think about this. Talk to me honestly, for once. How did you find out?"
Juliette drew in a shuddering breath. She pulled up her knees to her chest, hugging them to herself until she was a tight little ball. "How can I start? How can I tell you this?"
Avery looked away from her. "I'm a nobody anyway. Should be easy to talk to someone you don't care about."
"That's not true," she said in a small voice.
"Really?" he said with more force than he meant. His throat hurt so badly. "You sure as hell told me so downstairs in the ER not too long ago."
"I'm sorry," she said. "Just let me explain."
"They got me pinned down on this bed like a bug. I ain't going anywhere."
Juliette looked at him with a trembling lip, but she didn't cry. "That's where I found out: down in the ER. Never in a million years did I think I was pregnant. But for whatever reason, the pill failed. I was devastated, scared. My mind was spinning with a million different scenarios. Then you walked in."
Avery could still picture Juliette in the bed, staring at him like a wounded animal. "Go on," he said quietly.
"I knew the baby could be yours or it could be Jeff's. I was horrified that I was in the situation. I mean, how much more trashy can I get? Playing 'who's the daddy?'" She scoffed. "I thought I'd left that life behind."
Despite all the trappings that wealth and fame had brought her, Avery knew Juliette was still that girl from the trailer park, the one who had fought and scraped to escape, the one who carried the scars from that experience forever. Damn it, a tiny bit of compassion was seeping into his mind, and that was the last thing he wanted. Not after the way she'd treated him.
"Avery, all I knew at that moment was that I did not want to be a mother. That I wouldn't be a good one even if I tried. There was no way. I decided I would get an abortion and never think about it again."
"And you weren't going to tell me?" He could feel his heart racing, a combination of fear, anger, and the powerful medications he was on.
She shook her head. "No. You would have been reasonable about it. You would have convinced me to calm down and not make any rash decisions. You would have sacrificed yourself and your future to make sure I was okay, and that was the last thing I wanted for you." She hugged her legs tighter. "So I made sure you'd want nothing to do with me from then on. I said all those terrible things to you to make you leave."
Avery was silent for a long time. He turned his head on the pillow to face her, fire in his eyes. "So you lied to me. Again."
Juliette nodded her head. "I know." She sighed. "It was only later on that I took some time to think, and Rayna guessed I was pregnant. She convinced me that I needed to tell you the truth."
"She knows? Who else?"
"Nobody but my doctor. I still don't know if I want to have this baby, Avery, but I couldn't take not knowing if it was yours, if there was some slim possibility that the worst wasn't going to happen."
Avery fought the tears rising in his throat, his eyes. "I don't know what I'm supposed to feel right now. Should I be happy that you don't really hate me? That it was all pretend? But how the hell can I reconcile that with the fact that the person I love most in this world has lied to me over and over? That she doesn't trust me at all?"
"I trust you," she said, looking up abruptly.
"You'd never know by the way you've been acting. Words mean nothing."
"I don't agree with you. Words mean a lot."
He brought his right hand to his chest and coughed again. Phlegm rattled in his lungs, but he ironically knew that this was a good sign, that things were opening up after the attack.
"I went to you with the truth. I'm sorry that it was too late. I'm sorry that I nearly killed you in the process."
Avery closed his eyes. "I can't think about that right now."
"I've been sitting right here these past three days, sleeping here. I've had a lot of time to think, and the biggest regret I had was that I might never get the chance to apologize to you, to let you know that I didn't mean what I'd said. You are somebody. You're my whole world." She got up from the chair and stood beside him. "I was making the decision without you. It was wrong to do that. I have no excuse."
Fatigue and pain were pressing down on him, hard. He coughed again. "It's your body," he said. "I have no right to tell you what to do."
"But we could have talked about it. I could have done things a lot differently." She reached out and gently touched his face.
Avery stiffened but he couldn't move.
"Maybe there's no hope for us anymore. I get that. But maybe, maybe there's hope for this one," she said. She stared hard into his eyes.
The thought that he might be a father was too much to take at the moment. It would mean so many things: he'd have to get his shit together; he'd have to deal with so much crap from the past; he'd have to have a relationship with Juliette for the rest of his days. If he was her world, she was his, too. No one could make him happier; no one knew how to destroy him the way she could. "I'll take the test," he said.
Juliette inhaled. "Really?"
"Let's just get the facts together. Then we'll deal with whatever comes next."
"Okay."
He couldn't take the spark of relief he saw in her eyes.
"There's something else we need to talk about, then I'll leave you alone."
"I'm tired, Juliette."
"I know, but it's important." She adjusted his blanket. "I thought I should be calling someone. I've been trying to find your family."
Avery jolted on the bed. The wires pulled at his skin. "Ow!" he said as pain shot through him.
"Take it easy," she said, pushing on his shoulder. "Lay down."
Avery's hands shook. "I don't want them here."
"I just thought they should know. I didn't know if you were going to make it," she said, her voice strained. "I couldn't find them, anyway."
"Good."
"Are you sure, Avery?"
He turned his head away from her. "I'm fucking positive."
Avery had just finished a session with the respiratory therapist; the lung function tests indicated some improvement. Juliette had stood in the corner and watched. The world of hospitals and medical testing was foreign to her, but Avery seemed like an old pro. That made her a little sad.
Another doctor then poked her head into the room. "Hi, Juliette. Is now a good time?"
Juliette smiled. "Hey, Dr. Davis."
Avery opened his eyes to the new person. She wore peach scrubs and a long white lab coat.
"Avery, this is my OB/GYN, Dr. Christine Davis. Dr. Davis, this is Avery Barkley, my – " She had no idea how to finish that sentence.
"You're here for the paternity test," he said, cutting Juliette off.
"I got the okay from your doctors to take a blood sample." She looked to them. "You're both sure you want this?"
"Yes," Juliette said quietly. Avery just nodded.
"Okay then. Avery, I'll start with you. I'll draw blood from your arterial line as they've been doing since you've been here."
"Beats being stuck again," he said. Dr. Davis quickly got her equipment together and drew the blood. Avery wondered how much he'd given over the past few days. He watched the red liquid slowly filling up the tube. The course of his life would change in an instant when the test came back. Truth be told, he was terrified of either result.
Juliette looked away as the doctor drew Avery's blood. She considered herself a tough woman, but some things she didn't want to see.
"Okay, all set," the doctor said when she had finished, removing her gloves and placing a label on the tube. "Your turn, Juliette."
Juliette froze. She rubbed her arm.
"Come on," the doctor said, motioning to the chair by Avery's bed and putting on new gloves.
Avery saw the look in Juliette's eyes. "You okay?"
Juliette mumbled something and looked down.
"I didn't hear you," he said.
"I said I'm afraid of needles." She glanced at him briefly. "I know it's stupid. Look at everything you're going through."
He motioned her over with his head. "Who likes getting blood drawn? It's normal to hate it."
Juliette gingerly sat down in the chair. She rolled up her right sleeve and the doctor cleaned her arm with an alcohol wipe before tying on a tourniquet. "Make a fist," she said, and Juliette did but closed her eyes.
Then she felt Avery take her left hand. He laced his fingers with hers. "Tiny pinch," the doctor said as she inserted the needle. Juliette squeezed Avery's hand when the pain came, and it meant the world to her that he squeezed back.
Avery and Juliette had both dozed off later that afternoon, so they didn't hear the pulmonologist enter the room. "Ms. Barnes?" he asked, lightly touching her shoulder.
Juliette woke with a start. "I'm up!" she said loudly, waking Avery.
"What?" he asked, voice still hoarse.
"Sorry to wake you both," the doctor said.
Juliette wiped the sleep from her eyes. "It's okay, Dr. Choletti."
"How are you feeling, Avery?"
"Not great," he croaked.
"We have some things to discuss. Would you like it to be just the two of us?"
Avery blinked and shook his head. "Juliette can stay. I don't know if I'll remember everything. I'm still pretty out of it."
The doctor nodded. "As you wish. Ms. Barnes didn't know much of your medical history. Can you fill me in?"
Avery's demeanor became very flat. He spoke slowly. "I guess I had my first asthma attack when I was two or so. I don't remember it. I used to be in and out of the hospital a lot as a kid."
Juliette thought Avery seemed detached, but didn't say anything.
"Any previous intubations?"
"Four or five? I don't know for sure."
"Oh my God, Avery," Juliette said. "You poor thing."
He shrugged. "It was just the way things were."
"Where were you treated?"
"I'm from a rural part of Ohio. When the local hospital couldn't handle me, I went to a children's hospital in Columbus."
"I assume you had all the usual medications?"
"Inhalers, nebs, Prednisone, antihistamines. Over and over."
"And you achieved remission spontaneously?"
"I outgrew asthma when I was thirteen. It just stopped."
"We used to think children outgrew asthma but that's not the case anymore. Were you having any symptoms recently?"
Avery paused. "Now that I think of it, maybe. A friend and I went running and I felt a little breathless. My friend said I was wheezing but I didn't believe him. I think I had a little trouble a few times after that, but I wasn't paying attention to it."
"Has the asthma been induced by exercise before?"
"I mean, as a kid. It's been so long. Of course, anything seemed to trigger it back then." Avery hoped the interview would be over soon. All of this talking was tiring and made it harder to breathe.
"Any idea what you think might have triggered it this time? A fragrance or chemical? Exposure to a known allergen?"
Avery and Juliette locked eyes. "I've had a lot of stress in my life recently. We were arguing and I guess it was just too much for my body to take."
"Stressful emotional situations can be triggers," the doctor said, "but that wasn't all of it in this case." He turned to Avery. "Are you sure you want Ms. Barnes here as we discuss this?"
Avery frowned. "Yes. Is there something really wrong? Am I sicker than just asthma?"
Juliette's pulse started to pound in her ears and her hands grew clammy.
"Avery, we tested your blood and urine when you were admitted. We ran a tox screen, and you had evidence of recent cocaine use."
Avery froze; Juliette stayed absolutely still and quiet.
"Avery?" Dr. Choletti asked.
"Once. It was only once."
"Once is enough, especially for someone with your medical history."
Avery couldn't look at the doctor or Juliette. He focused on a small spot in the corner of the room. "I know I have no excuse, but I was really drunk that night and I wasn't exactly thinking clearly."
The doctor sighed. "That is a deadly combination. Alcohol and cocaine combine to make a toxic chemical in the body. They make the effects of each stronger. There's no doubt in my mind this attack was brought on by your cocaine abuse."
Avery felt accused. "I'm not an addict. It was one time, and believe me, I never want to do it again."
"You are incredibly lucky you didn't have instant respiratory arrest, or a heart attack. Yet you are still paying the price."
He hung his head. "I already know what a loser I am, what my choices have cost me. You don't need to remind me."
"Avery, I am not judging you as a person, let me be clear. But I am concerned about your mental health as well. You will see a substance abuse counselor while you are here. Your lungs are slowly recovering from the attack, and we'll step you down to a regular room tomorrow, but I'm afraid your asthma is back for good. You might not have a remission again."
He was shutting down. "I get it."
The doctor wrote something in Avery's chart on the nearby computer. "Let's see how the next few days go. We'll get you started on steroids by mouth instead of IV for starters, and we'll get you up and around." He looked at Avery. "I know this is a shock, but I hope it will be the wake-up call that you need to take better care of yourself."
Avery nodded curtly and the doctor left.
Silence weighed heavily in the room. Avery's eyes flickered to Juliette's. Her hands shook as she got up from the chair. She moved rigidly to his side. "Seems there are some things you weren't going to tell me, either."
"Why would I?" Avery looked away. "And I'm not exactly in the best shape for talking right now."
"Cocaine, Avery, really?" Juliette's pulse pounded so loud she could hardly hear; it was just this whooshing sound blocking everything. "What the fuck were you thinking?"
He shrugged. "Just looking to kill the pain. You know all about that."
"Don't you try to turn this around on me. There's a lot I know about drugs. Shit you can't even imagine. You could have been hooked instantly. Could have stroked out, could have had a psychotic episode. Could have killed someone, killed yourself." She hugged her arms around her waist. "All that stuff in the email about 'please let me die?" You high when you wrote it?"
Avery raised an eyebrow, confused. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Oh my God. You don't even remember. You had me freaking out that you were going to hurt yourself, that you were depressed and it was all my fault!"
"It is!" Avery said. "It is your fault!"
Juliette staggered backwards. "You don't get to blame me for your fucked-up decisions." She quickly wiped away a tear that was running hotly down her cheek.
"You think I would have made that decision in the first place if you hadn't lied to me over and over again? Made me think I was worthless? I gave you everything I had." He started breathing more rapidly.
Juliette looked away from him. "I always told myself I would never get involved with someone who uses drugs. Never."
"I'm not an addict!" Avery was quickly losing his voice.
"You almost died, Avery! From drugs! You were going to leave me here, just like her!" Juliette buried her face in her hands.
Her words hit him like a body blow. He struggled to get a breath out. A monitor started beeping loudly behind him. Shit. He pressed the call button for a nurse.
Juliette looked up, startled by the monitor.
A nurse walked quickly into the room. "Avery, what's going on? Your heart rate's up and your oxygen sats are dropping."
"Need an inhaler," he gasped.
Juliette moved to the far side of the room as the nurse retrieved the inhaler for Avery. He took the medicine and lay back on the pillows. Soon he was breathing better.
"Setbacks are to be expected," the nurse said. "Don't get discouraged. You need to rest." She looked at Juliette.
"Don't worry. I'm just leaving," she said, picking up her purse.
The nurse nodded and left the room.
"Juliette."
She shook her head. "Avery, don't. I can't. I just can't." She gave him one last look and quickly walked away.
Avery's hands wouldn't stop trembling: from the medication, and from what had just happened. He withdrew to a place deep inside himself, a place light couldn't touch. He had a flashback to an argument he'd had with Scarlett, the words she'd said that he'd never forgotten: "You hurt people. People who do not deserve to be hurt."
She never knew just how much he agreed with her.