Chapter 10

The force of Qui-Gon's shove made Vandalyn step back. She looked at his confounded expression and her cheeks flamed. Have I misjudged? Doesn't he feel that same deep, abiding pull that I do? By the Force, he sees me only as a padawan, nothing more. What have I done? "Forgive me, Master… My judgment is lacking. I…" She stepped away and turned her face so he would not see her humiliation, and it took all of her discipline to not simply run away. She did not get far.

"Wait!" Almost without thinking, Qui-Gon reached out and grabbed her arm. He hadn't meant to push her… The last thing he wanted to do was push her away. He pulled her back towards him and into his arms. She stiffened, not knowing what to do. Qui-Gon searched her face, seeing the resistance, the confusion, the hope and the… desire. Cupping her chin, he bent his head and returned the kiss. It was not a long kiss, but it was powerful. When they broke apart he noticed for the first time that her hazel eyes held a remarkable mixture of green and gold flecks that were blended into their own unique mosaic.

"The Jedi Council is uncomfortable with a relationship like this between fully ranked Jedi. They would never condone it between a full Jedi Knight and a padawan," he said. "If we continue this and are discovered, the Council will punish us both harshly." If we continue? IF? By the Force what am I saying? He did not, however, stop holding Vandalyn in his arms.

Vandalyn dropped her eyes. "I know… I am sorry I have put you in this position, Master Jinn." She reverted back to formality to mask her confused feelings. He finally released her and stepped back, but let his hand run down her arm, not wanting her to feel rejected.

"We both need to think on what may have started here, Vandalyn." Just as she called him Master, he used her first name deliberately. "Things do not happen by accident, but now? Now we must both decide. Do we continue? Do we walk away? Think on it tonight, Vandalyn, and I will do the same."

"Yes. Yes, that would be the wise and prudent course," she agreed, still avoiding his eyes. She stepped away, turned, and fled towards her room. Qui-Gon did not pursue her. Instead, he sat down in one of the chairs and ran a hand over his hair, and wondered if any amount of meditation would ever allow him to find his center again.

The room Vandalyn slept in was small but comfortable. There was room only for the bed, and small desk and chair. A concealed area in the wall offered a space for her clothing, but being a Jedi padawan, she had few possessions. As she sat cross-legged on her bed, Vandalyn untied her chestnut hair and let it hang down, and then she rubbed her temples.

What was I thinking? I… kissed Master Qui-Gon Jinn. Kissed him! Have I learned so little as a padawan? I should rule my emotions, not the other way around. Her fingers touched her lips lightly. But, he kissed me back… The memory of the kiss brought a delighted, confused flutter to her stomach.

"My feelings are in turmoil," she said out loud, allowing the sound of her voice to focus her attention. "I will regain my center and then I will decide what I am to do." She got comfortable on the bed, shut her eyes, and allowed herself to float into her meditation. She did not pressure herself to meditate deeply; she knew that would only lead to frustration.

Am I in love with him? No… yes… not yet. Vandalyn sighed. I am attracted to him; there is no question about that. He is intelligent and handsome, and strong. But love? I am in the newest blushes of love, I think. So new that I would be embarrassed to say the words; they would sound premature and false. She thought of how it felt to be held in Qui-Gon's arms. She remembered how her heart had constricted when she realized he was going to kiss her, and she felt it constrict again.

She stood up. "Yes," she said out loud, although she kept her voice soft. "I do want this, but I have put him in a terribly complicated position. Whatever decision Qui-Gon reaches, he must reach it on his own."

Vandalyn remained seated on her bed for another few minutes and then realized she could not hide forever. She quickly shed her Jedi robes and pulled on the kurta and pants she wore for an'dah sho. As she walked out of her room, she tied her hair up in a rough knot. Qui-Gon was nowhere to be seen. Walking out onto the patio stones, Vandalyn looked back over her shoulder, wondering where Qui-Gon was and what he was thinking.

After Vandalyn had first disappeared into her room, Qui-Gon had quickly come to the conclusion that he could not sit and brood. He needed to do something, almost anything, other than sit and wait for Vandalyn to emerge. He went to the patio door and stopped. There wasn't enough room there for what he needed. Instead, he left the room and found another open area that offered plenty of open space for his Ataru forms. By the time he was done, he was soaked with sweat and breathing heavily.

When he returned to the quarters he shared with Vandalyn, he saw the door to the garden open. A whisper of movement told him Vandalyn was out there practicing her an'dah sho. He did not disturb her. Rather, he went to his quarters and immersed himself in a hot shower. Standing under the spray, Qui-Gon pictured Vandalyn going through her forms. He sighed. Will she be in my mind forever? Would that be such a terrible thing?

After he dried himself from the shower, Qui-Gon decided against another meditation. Sleep would be the best thing for him. Resting both his body and mind would clear them. He could meditate with the sunrise and make his decision then. But, in the deepest part of the night, when the blackness takes on a velvet quality, Qui-Gon found he could not sleep. He put his arms behind his head and stared up at the ceiling – although he could not see it – and thought about the day.

"It would be folly," he whispered out loud. "Utter folly. To take a padawan as a lover? I cannot predict what the Council would do." How have I come here? I have spent years keeping my feelings in check, striving for balance and harmony. In the matter of several weeks, my walls have been broken down by one padawan. It has been so many years since I've been so… attracted… to a woman. Since I have wanted a woman in that way...

His thoughts drifted to Vandalyn. He'd found her covertly watching her while she worked or meditated. He realized that he had known all along where the feelings were leading, and had kept a firm leash on them. This was not something he could start. Suddenly her kiss leaped to his thoughts. It sent a wave through him. A thousand emotions he hadn't yet sorted out… desire, confusion, passion… even lust, if he was being honest.

"They can punish me if they like," he said to himself. "Vandalyn is right, even at times when prudence should be used, bold action may still be the best course… but she must want this, too. She must be willing to bear the consequences as I am."

He quickly rose, pulled on one of his robes, belted it loosely around his waist, and left his sleeping quarters. He walked across the common room, the cool tiles giving way to the thick carpet in the center of the room. It was soft and warm beneath his bare soles. For a moment, Qui-Gon hesitated when he reached Vandalyn's room. He knocked softly, unsure if he wanted her to hear him or not.

-- -- -- --

Hope you're still enjoying it… I'd really appreciate any feedback that you have… And many thanks, as always, to my regular reviewers. I do enjoy hearing from all of you.