DISCLAIMER: I still don't own a thing. Which sucks, by the way. Thanks to my beta, Anjali, and I hope you guys enjoy this part. Oh, and I also gave Addison a background because Shonda won't ;)

---A---A---A---

Chapter X

After the long day they all had had at the hospital, Derek decided to sleep at the trailer. Luckily, Meredith was going to be performing surgery most of the night, so he had an easy time convincing her that going back to the trailer made more sense than hanging around her house alone. He was incredibly grateful, because at that moment, there was nothing he wanted more than the chance to think.

He had divorced Addison.

He had divorced his wife of almost twelve years because, putting it simply, he didn't love her anymore. He loved Meredith and there was nothing anyone could do to make him stop. The then intern had captivated his heart and given him a reason to believe that a new beginning was possible. He had hoped he could let go of what his life had been in New York, that he could start over and maybe find with Meredith the 'Happily Ever After' that had eluded him and Addison.

And he was happy with his choice.

Meredith was sweet and smart and loving and caring. She was beautiful in that girl-next-door kind of way that made her so endearing. Granted, she was a little less naïve than when they had first met in the sense that she was less impressed by the fact that he was a neurosurgeon. That was to be expected. But he did love Meredith, and when he had divorced Addison, he had had every intention of spending the rest of his life with Meredith Grey.

When Addison and Mark had gotten married, he figured that was the end of it. He had a new life and so did they, and he hoped they could finally all have peace. He loved Meredith, and Addie and Mark loved each other, so maybe all the pain hadn't been in vain. Maybe all of them could finally be happy and build the lives they had dreamed of. And he had truly believed it was happening. He could greet Addie and Mark at the hospital, and from time to time even have actual conversations with them. Then one day, Addison had asked to talk to him and informed him that she was pregnant. He couldn't deny that the news was hard to hear because of their past. Addison was going to have the child he had been unable to give her. She was going to be a mother when he would never had the chance to be a father. But that was when he had finally reconnected –for real this time– with a part of himself that he had forgotten for the longest time, the part of himself that loved Addison. And that was how he had managed to be truly happy for her and his former best friend. He had cared enough to actually have 'the talk' with Mark and congratulate them both. It was sad for him, but it was mostly just joyful for them, and he didn't want to diminish their happiness. And for a few days everything was right with their world.

And then Mark had died.

With Mark, Derek felt like a part of his childhood had died, but a good part of his anger died as well. He felt numb at first; he didn't know how to begin to process everything that he was feeling. But mostly, he felt like he had to do something, anything, to help Addison. Not only because she was Addison, his Addie, the girl he had once loved enough to marry. Not only because she was a human being in pain, broken and facing an uncertain future. She was also his brother's girl; she was the woman he had married and she was carrying a child that Mark would have wanted raised well.

He figured, at the moment, that if their roles were reversed, Mark and Addison would have offered to help Meredith in any way they could.

He had never imagined that he would fall in love with Addison again. Because, if he actually thought about what was going on, it was apparent that he was falling head-over-heels in love with his ex-wife. Suddenly, everything between them was smiles and tenderness. When he closed his eyes, he could see her smile, and that image brought him peace. He longed to be near her, he longed to touch her and kiss her and just breathe in her perfume. It was a lot like when they had first met and the first years of their marriage.

And that was not even the worst part. He could begin to forgive himself for falling for Addison again. He knew he was going to hurt Meredith, and he didn't want that at all. He knew he was going to hurt Addison as well; it was clear she was not over Mark's death, and Derek telling her that he was in love with her was going to mess up her world even more. But all that, he could explain.

Falling in love with Matt was different. He had always wanted a child, that was true. He had always wanted a baby with Addison, and he knew she had always wanted a baby with him too. But what he was doing now… part of him felt guilty. Sometimes he would be out walking with Meredith and he would see a crib or a changing table, and he would think it would be perfect for Matt. A couple of times he had gone so far as to enter baby stores to check out onesies and stuffed animals. What right did he have to do that? For all his promises that he was not trying to replace Mark, sometimes he felt like that was exactly what he was doing. Slowly but surely, he was beginning to act and feel like Matt's father. He already loved him fiercely and the child was not even born yet.

If he was truthful with himself, he had to admit that his love for Addison and Matthew had been foremost in his mind when he tried to convince Roan Montgomery not to come to Seattle. He was afraid to lose them.

And now he was going to.

There was not a question in his mind that at this point, Addison had already called her brother and was going to run to New York.

He couldn't lose her, but he couldn't ask her to stay either. And even if he tried, he knew it was not going to go over well. She had recently lost her husband, and Derek was with Meredith; she needed time to grieve, and he couldn't actually say anything to her if he was still in a relationship. So, the question: how to proceed without actually hurting Meredith? And even if those problems weren't enough, he knew what Addison's main doubt regarding him would be: did he actually want to be with her or did he want to have a child? Was he staying for her or because he had already fallen in love with the idea of becoming Matthew Mark Sloan's foster-father?

As he lay in his uncomfortable bed, Derek Shepherd closed his eyes, knowing he didn't have the answers to those questions yet. And until he had the answers he needed, he would have to let Addison go.

---A---A---A---

"Addison?!" Callie Torres called her best friend's name as she knocked yet again on her door. She had been at it for about five minutes with little success so far. "Addison, I know you're in there! Come on, girl! I'll kick this door down, you know I will!" That finally did the trick. Callie heard movement behind the door and was at last greeted by Addison's green eyes.

"Hey," Addison whispered.

"Damn. You look like crap," Callie commented as she pushed gently past Addison and let herself into the house. "Nice dig, by the way."

"Thanks." Callie made herself comfortable on Addison's sofa and waited patiently for the redhead to join her.

"So, I brought that vanilla ice-cream you have been craving, and a bunch of chick-flicks and trashy magazines. We're all set for a night of destroying our brain cells and being completely vain. How's that for a girl's night in?" Given the fact that Addison was not even answering, Callie figured that she was failing miserably at the whole 'cheering up Addison' thing she had planned. At the hospital, Callie had seen her friend run away from Derek Shepherd and subsequently lock herself in her office. She knew it had been an emotional day for everyone at the hospital after Alex had been stabbed. Along with Addison, George had spent the better part of the day consoling Izzie Stevens, and even he had noticed it had been a really emotional moment for the attending. So, her husband had decided he needed to be with Izzie for the night, and Callie had taken up the opportunity to do the same for Addison.

And boy, was she glad she had. Addison was a mess. Her long, flowing red hair was tied up in a bun with multiple loose strands falling down her face. Her eyes were watery and her nose was red, good signs that she had been crying. She was wearing a huge green sweater that could only have been Mark's and a pair of grey sweats. Callie also noticed that her hand was on her temple and that her eyes were closed.

"Addie…honey, you feel alright?" she asked softly, moving some strands of hair behind the older woman's ear.

"Yeah…I'm just a little dizzy. And I kinda have a headache."

"Suddenly I feel very guilty about the whole banging on your door thing."

"Not your fault."

"Okay, but I'm getting you some water. You want a Tylenol?"

"Okay…"

"Good. Now, you're going to lay down on the couch, you're going to close your eyes and take deep breaths. And when you're ready, we are going to talk, okay?"

"Fine."

"Good girl. I'm going for that water now." Callie didn't really know her way around Addison's new home yet, but she didn't want to make her friend stand up again. She knew Addison was a neat freak, so probably she had the same disposition around the house that she had back at her penthouse. And she had been a frequent visitor to said penthouse, so she decided to try her luck.

That Addison and Callie had become fast friends had come as a shock to everyone at the hospital. They were as different as two people could be: where Addison was sophisticated and girly, Callie was strong and cutthroat. Addison always managed to look like a model and run around the hospital wearing four-inch heels, while Callie went for comfort and didn't need to be the thinnest woman alive to feel like she was damn sexy. But then again, people never saw things beyond the obvious. Most didn't understand what it felt like to be an outcast, to be shunned. High-school with scalpels, all right. Both Addison and Callie had gone through it, even though both of them knew they were good and kind people. They were normal people, they smiled and cried and served a bigger purpose than being a supporting cast to whatever drama was going through the hospital that week. So they had become friends and had become integral parts of each other's support systems.

If becoming friends with Addison had been a shocker for the public, Callie thought, the fact that she'd become friends with Mark was unheard of. Callie didn't hold any hope of people at SGH not knowing about her couple of sex encounters with the plastic surgeon. Hell, Addison had figured it out on her own. Everyone was expecting a huge catfight, not Addison and Callie becoming girlfriends and Mark becoming a part of the group. Callie had never actually disliked Mark, but she knew she couldn't actually become close to him while he and Addison were hardly on speaking terms. But once they had gotten back together, she had loved hanging out with the new couple. Hell, even Miranda Bailey had grown a soft spot for Sloan. And their triple dates had been fun–while Bailey's husband, Tucker, was the nicest guy in the world and felt completely comfortable with the surgeons, George had been scared out of his mind about hanging around two attendings and the infamous Nazi. He would call them 'Doctor,' 'Madame' and 'Sir' at the karaoke bar, she thought fondly.

When Callie found the Tylenol exactly where she guessed it would be, she filled a glass with water and walked out of the kitchen. Addison was still laying on the couch, her eyes closed, and not making a single sound. Still, Callie knew she was awake. Taking in her looks, Callie couldn't help but feel relief: everything was finally starting to catch up with Addison, and maybe she could begin to cope after all.

---A---A---A---

::Hello?::

"Roan?" he asked, knowing he was making a mistake. Derek shouldn't be calling Roan; the guy hated him! But he didn't know what to do. he was at a loss, and probably slightly drunk.

::Shepherd?:: the other voice on the line answered after a few seconds.

"She's going, isn't she?"

::Derek, are you drunk-dialing me? That could get you in some serious trouble, you know?::

"Just answer, man! Is she going?" Derek let her head fall against the wall; he was sitting on the floor of his trailer. He had moved from thinking to beer and then to scotch. About that time, he had come to the conclusion that he was royally screwed and that even the best case scenario implied two women and himself getting thoroughly hurt. So, since he was not going to win anyway, he decided to call Roan Montgomery.

He was, clearly, quite drunk.

::That question would be directed at the wrong Montgomery, Shepherd.::

"Damnit, Roan, just answer the damn–"

::Look, Derek! Ask, Addison, all right? I don't have to answer just because you don't want to man up and go ask her yourself!::

There was silence in the line after that. What could Derek say? Roan was right. He should be stronger than this, he should be man enough to go and tell Addison that he knew she was leaving. He wanted to convince her not to run, that she was stronger than he had ever been, that she was not a coward as he had been when he had run out on her in New York.

But he was still a coward. He couldn't face her. He was too scared she was going to say yes, that she was leaving. He didn't want confirmation.

::Derek?:: Roan called his name after the silence went on for too long.

"She can't have chicken."

::What?::

"Addison," he whispered, "she can't have chicken right now, it makes her nauseous. Go with turkey. And she stresses too much, which isn't good for the baby, so try to make her laugh a lot."

::Look, Derek…::

"No, Roan. If she leaves with you, then you need to know this. I think it just hit her today, that Mark is dead. I mean, she knew before, but today it hit her. She's alone and she's scared and she can't even walk around Seattle without thinking about Mark. I don't think it will get better in New York. That's where we all… lived… before. I don't know."

::Derek,:: Roan interrupted :: don't do this, okay? Just go and talk to her. You keep saying you love her and you know her. How would she take your calling me instead of talking to her?::

"She's not ready to talk to me. Just… look, the most important thing about her now. She calls the baby Matt, because Mark named him Matt. Make sure you show her you care about her son's identity, it makes her feel better. Linked to Mark."

::I know the baby's name is Matt… look, Derek, I'm trying to…::

"Good. I gotta go now, Roan."

::Derek…::

"Just…"

::Derek!::

" I just…really loved her, you know?" Silence again. For a moment, Derek worried that Roan had already hung up on him. Finally, his ex-brother-in-law spoke again.

::Derek, I'm sorry I implied that this was about your not having children…::

"That's okay."

::No, it's not. Addison would have me for dinner if she knew…::

"Maybe you're right."

::What?::

"After all I put her through, now I'm suddenly falling for her again… Roan, how do I know this is about me loving Addison and not about me loving Matt?"

::You love Matt because he's Addison's, Derek. It's not the other way around.::

"You can't be sure, Roan."

::Yes, I can. Look man, I always knew you loved my sister. I just though she could do better and that you sucked at showing it, that's all.::

"I love her. I'm just messed up, and she's messed up…"

::You'll figure it out. And Addie is always messed up, it's a Montgomery family trait.::

"I just…she needs to do what she needs to do. And I don't want to stand on her way. So…"

::Derek, talk to her.::

"Yeah, okay."

::I mean it.::

"Talk to you later, Roan. Take care of her." Derek hung up the phone without giving Roan a chance to reply. He didn't know what he was doing anymore; maybe he should just wait it out.

Or maybe Roan was right and he should talk to Addison as soon as possible.

Or maybe he should try to figure out how to solve the Meredith situation.

Whichever was easiest to do first.

Yeah, he was having another drink.

---A---A---A---

"…and then, I called Rory," Addison finished her story. Callie was sitting in front of her on the couch, listening as the redhead told her what had happened at the hospital.

"Seriously? Like, you're going back to New York?"

"Yes…no…yes…"

"Okay, you totally need to figure that one out before you go to the airport."

"It's just," Addison continued, ignoring her friend's attempt at comic relief, "I don't know what to do. I feel…I feel like everything is out of control, you know? Like…yesterday I had everything figured out. And today, everything's a mess!" Addison concluded, unable to keep a sob from escaping her lips. Callie patted her sympathetically on the knee before handling her another tissue. "Thanks. I don't know what wrong with me! I just keep… crying."

"I think that's normal, Addison. You know very well that this is not about Izzie Stevens or Alex Karev. This is about you and Mark. This is about…"

"Mark's accident?"

"See? You can't even say it! Mark's dead, Addison. I'm so sorry that he is, and I miss him too. But, sweetie, you need to make peace with the fact that he's gone."

"I did! At least…I thought I had. I locked myself in here and cried my eyes out after the…the funeral…I thought I had…"

"Crying isn't the same as letting go, Addie. You never really talked about it with anyone, did you? Not even Derek."

"No. I just…it was too hard to actually…say it."

"Say what, Addison?" Addison averted her eyes, trying to hide from Callie's dark stare. She felt her friend's hand cupping her chin and forcing her to look up. "Addison. Say what?"

"That…" Addison started, slowly, feeling her heart break as she continued and finally said it, "That Mark is dead." Tears were falling again and Addison made no movement to stop them. "I'm not over it, Callie. How the hell can I be over it! My husband was killed! I miss him! I want him here! I need him here! Our son is going to need him his whole life…how am I supposed to be over it?"

"You're not! Addie, you're not. This is good…" Addison gave her a murderous look, "Okay, not the whole crying uncontrollably and feeling like crap part. That's not good. But you're finally allowing yourself to feel pain, to be a mess. Now, you can start working again on piecing your life back together. You have to let other people take care of you…"

"I tried. With Derek. It's just…he was being so great, Callie. He was being everything I was hoping Mark…it's supposed to be our time, you know? Mark's and mine. We were supposed to do this together and then he was gone and I tried to do it alone, but it was so easy to lean on Derek."

"That's okay, Addison. He's your friend."

"No, Callie. You don't understand, there's so much history there. And now…I just feel a million things. Like I somehow cheated on Mark, pretending I was over his death. Allowing another man to take his place…"

"Derek didn't take Mark's place, Addison."

"No. Not with me, Callie. Well, maybe a little with me, but most of all with Matt. This baby is Mark's, Callie. Mark's! I shouldn't have allowed this to happen, I let Derek get attached. It's wrong."

"It's not. They were best friends for the longest time. Mark would expect Derek to be there for you and the baby. And you didn't do anything wrong either; you wanted what was best for your son."

"I was selfish. I need to get my freaking life together, I need to do it in the next twenty-eight weeks, and I need to do it on my own."

"Is that why you're going to New York?" Callie asked.

Addison took her time before answering. She didn't know how to say properly what she wanted to say, how to convey why she felt the need to run as far from the situation as possible. It wasn't even about New York; she just wanted to close her eyes for a couple of months and hope that the problem would work itself out. She knew that wasn't likely to happen, but having her brother by her side, she knew the situation would be better. Somehow. "Rory always takes care of me," was all she could offer, knowing the words were completely inadequate.

"We can take care of you. You don't have to leave, Addison."

"I know. And I love you and I don't want to leave you, Callie. But…I'm having a breakdown."

"I'm aware of that. I think we covered it, Adds."

"No…I mean, how do I put myself back together after that? I feel like I won't even recognize myself once I'm done. And…and I don't want to be strong anymore."

"You don't have to."

"Yes, I do, because I'm on my own. I know I have you and Richard, Miranda, Preston, Izzie…Derek. I know. But I'm still on my own. I need someone to…"

"Do this for you?"

"I… maybe. I don't know. I need to let go and crash down. And I need someone to pick me up. And whenever I've come to close to the edge, Rory has taken care of me. It was instinct, Callie. Just instinct."

Four-year-old Addison Forbes was sitting on the couch at her grandparents' house. She had been told to stay in the living room watching cartoons and she wasn't about to disobey, especially since everyone seemed to be on edge. She clutched her doll closer to her chest and tried hard to concentrate on the cartoons instead of on her mother's and grandparents' screams coming from her grandfather's office.

"Rory?" she asked her brother in a tiny voice. Roan Forbes was lying on the rug; she was sure her grandma wasn't going to like that, but Roan always enjoyed annoying people.

"Yeah, Addie?" he answered. She didn't want to upset her brother, but he was the only one who ever paid real attention to her. Roan was always the one to answer her questions, and when she had nightmares, she would knock on his door and he would let her crawl into bed with him. And he was nine, so she figured he was old enough to protect her from the monsters.

"Where's daddy?" Her brother didn't answer her at first and she worried she may have asked something wrong.

"He's gone, Addie," he answered.

"What do you mean he's gone? Mommy said he was at home."

"Yeah, he's back home. But…we're not going to be with dad anymore, okay?"

"Is it because of me?" Addison asked, tears falling down her chubby cheeks. She knew it was her fault…Roan had gotten mad at their father because of her. Then everything had happened…she could remember her mother screaming, finding Benjamin Forbes sprawled on the floor of her bedroom. She had been sitting in her bed, hugging her knees, not knowing what was going on. Her mother had started yelling at Roan to call 911 as she tried to awaken her father and had screamed at Addison to leave her room. She had obeyed her mother, running behind her brother.

"No. It's not, okay?" Roan asked, sitting so that he could make eye contact with her.

"Yes it is. You got mad at daddy because of me."

"It was dad's fault, Addie, not yours."

"But…why aren't we with daddy anymore?" she asked, confused.

"Addie…" She could see her brother was having problems explaining to her why they weren't going back to their own house. She waited patiently as he thought for a moment, hugging her doll even more tightl., "Addie," he started again, "you know how dad gets mad at mom?" She nodded. "And then, he gets mad at me?" She nodded again. She didn't like when her daddy got mad; usually, her mother or Roan would yell at her to go to her room and not come out until they said so. "That's why we left, okay? So dad wouldn't get mad at us anymore."

"But daddy was mad at me today," she said. It had not been intentional. She had been swimming all morning at the children's pool when she remembered that her doll was not swimming with her. She had run all the way to her room. But she hadn't found her doll in her room, and she had gotten worried that maybe the doll was lost. Then she had remembered that she had had her doll with her in her parents' room when her mother had been braiding her hair. So she had gone back there to look, finding the doll by her father's nightstand. She had then run back to the pool with her dolly.

"I know," Roan answered slowly.

"I didn't mean to ruin his book, Rory. I was looking for Penny; I didn't want to soak his novel."

"I know, Addie."

"We left because he was mad at me?"

"Yes…no…" She scrunched her brow as her brother sighed audibly, "We left because dads shouldn't get that mad, okay? We left so that he wouldn't get mad at any of us ever again."

"So…we're not living with daddy anymore?"

"No. We're not." Addison thought about that for a moment. She liked her grandparents' house. It was even bigger than the one where her family lived, and they had a room for her that was all pink and was filled with toys and dolls. They even had gotten a pony for her, Thunder, and they kept it in their huge garden. But her grandmother was kind of scary.

"But we left all our stuff in the house," she noted.

"We'll get new stuff, don't worry."

"But I don't want to live with grandma and grandpa!" she whined.

"We're not. We're moving."

"Moving?"

"Yeah. To another city, called New York."

"But we live in California."

"Now we're going to live in New York. Don't worry. You'll like it, I promise."

"Okay."

"Okay."

"Rory?"

"Yeah?"

"You're going to take care of me, right? When we're alone with mommy, you'll always take care of me, right?" she asked, genuinely worried. Her mother, Beatrice Leighton Forbes, was never the one to take care of them. They had nannies. She was worried her mother didn't know the things she liked, but Rory did.

"Yeah. Promise, I'll take care of you."

"Thank you. I love you." She smiled, throwing herself in her brother's arms.

"I love you too, Addie.

It would be another five years until Addison really understood what had happened that night. Then, she was no longer Addison Forbes; she was Addison Forbes Montogomery, after her stepfather, Sean Montgomery, had formally adopted her and Roan. Her mother had insisted, though, that they also keep their Forbes name.

She had been too young to understand then that her father, while a prominent –and rich – member of the community, had been abusive. Back then, she didn't know that it was not normal for a father to hit his family when he was mad.

That night… her father had been drunk when he had kicked her bedroom door open. To this day, she wasn't sure why he had come in; she thought it was to hit her. She had been sitting on her bed, arms around her knees, crying because she knew her father was mad. Up until this point, her father had never been mad at her. Thinking back, she guessed that Roan had taken more beatings than his fair share for her. Her father had started walking towards her, fury in his eyes, and she just sat in her bed crying.

Everything was a blur after that; she had never actually asked Roan to relive I,t and her mother wasn't an option. She barely spoke to her mother anymore. But she could piece together what had happened on her own. Roan coming into her room and screaming at their father to stop, Benjamin telling him to go to bed…then…her father on the floor, bleeding, his head cut open…and Roan, standing behind him, petrified, a baseball bat in his hands. Both of them crying.

Then her mother had come and gone into hysterics after finding her husband bleeding…Roan and Addison had hurried to the phone and called 911, the paramedics had taken her father and they had driven to her grandparents' house.

The rest was even easier to piece together; both the Forbes and Leighton families were fairly important, and their names carried weight. Scandal was one thing they were not about to tolerate, and once Benjamin's bad habits had been uncovered, her grandparents had insisted that their daughter divorce him and leave town. Her mother loved Benjamin, so she probably would have lived the rest of her life with his beatings, even allowing Roan and Addison to fall victims to them as well. But when Roan had hurt his father in an attempt to defend him sister, even Beatrice knew it was time to leave, lest one day one of her children do something they would all regret for the rest of their lives.

Thank God for that. A year later, Beatrice had married her stepfather, the man both she and Roan truly considered their father. Then life had really started for both of them.

But never once had Addison forgotten what her brother was to her. He was her anchor, her protector.

"Rory and I take care of each other, Callie," she said, trying to chase the bad thoughts out of her mind.

"You're scared, aren't you?" her friend asked, and Addison gave her a weak smile.

"Yeah. Terrified."

"Then it's a good thing you called your brother," Callie concluded.

"You think?"

"Yeah. You're scared; he's your knight in shining armor. It helps you, right?"

"Yeah. I think…I hope it will."

"Okay…but if I can give you some friendly advice?"

"Always, Callie."

"If Seattle brings back too many memories of Mark, don't you think it's going to be ten times worse in New York?"

---A---A---A---

The next morning Derek had the slight suspicion that he was hungover. He had first come to that conclusion when he missed his glass while trying to pour himself some fresh milk. The idea had crossed his mind again when it took him four tries to actually match his socks. He had been pretty sure about the fact when he had taken a full twenty minutes to open his car door.

He was hungover.

Still, he suspected that the throbbing headache he was currently having was more a consequence of calling Roan Montgomery in the middle of the night to whine about Addison's leaving. He couldn't remember the whole conversation, but he had the gist of it…and it wasn't good.

So, he had decided that first things came first. He took a cab to the dock, and then a ferry and another cab to the hospital. He had walked into Richard Webber's office without being announced and quite plainly announced that he was hungover, possibly even still a little bit drunk, and that he would be needing the day off. Obviously the chief had not been happy, but after yelling at Derek for fifteen minutes, he had to agree that he was in no shape to see patients. He had told him once more he was a disgrace before ordering him to go home, get a lot of sleep, and come tomorrow sober.

Derek had other ideas.

One of the things he remembered about his conversation with Roan was that the other man had insisted he had to talk to Addison. Roan had been right, but first Derek had to figure out what he was going to say. The logical answer was that he had to go to his ex-wife and bare his soul to her, tell her everything that he was feeling.

Easier said than done. What the hell was he feeling?

So, he couldn't just go to Addison and tell her he was really really confused and would really appreciate it if she would not leave so that he'd have time to think about it some more.

Plan B.

First, he had to get some sleep, because seriously, he was hungover. After crashing for a couple of hours in one of the on-call rooms, he had decided it was time for the second part of Plan B.

He got breakfast. He was pretty sure that the rest of his day would be shot to hell after the third part of his plan, so he might as well enjoy his breakfast.

After that, there was nothing more he could do to delay what he knew he had to do.

"Hey," he greeted his girlfriend, Meredith Grey, after finding her alone in the locker room.

"Hey." She smiled at him tiredly, and his gut turned. He loved her, he would never be able to say that he didn't love Meredith Grey, but he wasn't in love with her anymore. Trying to figure out everything in his mind, he had come to the conclusion that he had to start there. Whatever his feelings for Addison and Matt were right now, he knew that he was not being fair to Meredith. He had to tell her the truth about himself; he had to make a choice about their relationship.

"You finally off?" he asked casually, locking the door behind him as he walked towards her and sat by her side on the bench.

"Yeah. Graveyard duty blows."

"Yeah." Silence. How was he supposed to start this conversation?

"Derek? What's going on?"

"Mer…we need to talk."

"That's a comforting way to start a conversation. This is going to suck, isn't it?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry."

"Is this about Addison?" she asked and Derek could hear her voice breaking.

"How did you know?"

"George told me she was pretty shaken yesterday. You know, the whole thing with Alex? I guess it brought back some really bad memories. Didn't it?"

"Yeah."

"You're breaking up with me, aren't you?" Derek was surprised by her question and his head shot up so they were eye to eye. She was trying her best not to let the tears fall, but sadly was failing.

"I…I think I am."

"Are you in love with Addison?"

"I don't know." He gave her a sad smile. "I wish I knew, but I don't. And if I don't know, it's not fair to you that we stay together."

"Okay." There was silence again, but Derek knew that it was not over yet. He was hurting her, and he didn't want to hurt her. He had been awful about his breakup with Addison when they had divorced, and he didn't want to repeat the same mistakes. "Nothing has happened between Addison and me, I promise. She's still in love with Mark. But Alex…you're right, it hit her pretty hard, and I think she's finally ready to talk about what happened, and I want to be there when she's ready."

"Okay." This was not working, but then again, maybe it was never supposed to work.

"And I did love you, Meredith. I do love you. You saved me."

"Yeah, apparently I saved you for her." He cringed; there was no mistaking the bitterness in the young doctor's voice.

"I'm too damaged…I'm broken, you're better off."

"Right, cause I'm such a wholesome and sane individual."

"You are. More than you know. You haven't been beaten down yet, you still have dreams and hopes. You can cling to them. You can have a life, a good one, a great career, a family."

"We were supposed to have all that…together." Tears were now falling down Meredith's cheeks. Derek moved to brush them away, but she flinched away. That hurt more than he'd thought it would.

"I can't. I'm sorry, but I can't be the man that makes your dreams come true."

"You were supposed to be my McDreamy. You were supposed to be the one."

"I wanted you to be the one too, Meredith. I really did. It would be so much easier if you were…"

"So I'm your Finn, right? I'm the person that was safe for you. The person you knew loved you more than you had to love them back. So that was good, easy."

"Maybe a little bit…you were different. Your problems, deep as they were, weren't our problems. I could help you fix them without hurting myself. But when you are a part of the problem? Fixing that is a whole lot harder."

"I would've done anything for you, Derek, you know that?"

"I do."

"Really? I would have done anything! I would have put up with your being Addison's friend. I was willing to let you play foster dad to her son. I was going to put up with your family, even when I know they think I'm a poor replacement for Addison. You would have come first for me. Always. I was willing to be that person, Derek. I was willing to make you everything."

"I know." Tears had started pooling in his eyes as well, seeing the raw hurt he had caused to a woman he loved. But he knew this was for the best. She was willing to be that person for him, but he was not able to fulfill that role for her; wasn't it better to set her free? Let her have the life she deserved?

"I wanted to have everything with you, Derek. I wanted to marry you. I wanted to have babies with you." The moment she said that, Derek felt like he had been sucker-punched. This was for the best. Meredith didn't know why…he wanted to tell her, but he couldn't bring himself to confess it to anyone else. It hurt too much. But Meredith could have all those things; he was the one with the problem. Meredith could only have the family he wanted without him, just like Addison had.

"I know." He lifted a hand slowly, and he was glad when she allowed him to caress her cheek. He leaned forward gingerly, and when she didn't move to stop him, he kissed her slowly. It was a sad kiss, bittersweet at best, because it was a good-bye kiss. Both he and Meredith were giving up the life they had dreamed of having together. They were giving up on a dream, and that was painful. But it was also a thank you kiss, which was beautiful, because they wouldn't be the people they had become if they hadn't crossed each other's paths. Derek wouldn't be Derek now if he hadn't first been Meredith's 'guy in a bar,' and he would forever thank the young woman for making him whole again.

"I love you," Meredith whispered when the kiss was over.

"I love you too," Derek answered, giving her one last smile. Then he stood up slowly and made his way out of the locker room.

It was time to be a man.

It was time to talk to Addison.