The Other Side of Nighttime
Here's part 2 of the nightly craziness. Also featured here is a cameo of a controversial erotic black comedy/satire, Japanese manga series for adults called The Rapeman, which was referenced earlier. Plus a reference to the Slender Man and Psycho.
At the same time as the events of Deep In the Night...
Tacos and dictators...
Frank was pissed. He spent the whole afternoon rearranging his shiny, wax-screwed face. It was a pain in the head and hated every second of it. He then looked at the mirror and was satisfied. Every part of his face was in its proper order: the eyes are where they should be, the mouth is not on the forehead, etc. He said, "Oh you cheeky devil." He smiled, despite the fact that he's still an icky skeleton.
Then he looked around and realized something: he lost the puzzle box! Bloody fuck! He thought. It was not one of his good days. With a huff, he then proceeded to search the Saiguden.
Things are cooking up in the underworld. Here's the story...
"WHAT! YOU WERE OUT FOR A DRINK?" Pinhead bellowed at his subordinate Cenobites at the Taco Hell, where they're eating dinner. The fast-food joint of the underworld is also full of customers, most of them in the toilets going through a sort of hell after eating cheap gastronomical heaven. You could hear the screams, moans, and farts of such torment in their. Plus the smell.
"But we tied him to the rack real good!" Butterball tried to explain. "We made extra sure that he'll never escape."
"Y-ye-yes. T-that's r-right," Chatterer replied, fidgeting his hands and clicking his teeth as though he had cerebral palsy, "W-we t-t-tied h-him up-"
"Shut the fuck up, Chatterer!" Pinhead yelled at him. Chatterer finally stopped clicking his teeth in fright.
Satisfied that he stopped clicky-clacky, Pinhead turned to Butterball, "So you say that you tied him up real good, is that right?"
"Yes," Butterball gulped.
"And thus, you went out to have a drink, right?"
"Uh-huh," he nervously answered.
"Well, well. That was a job well done," he then raised his voice, "EXCEPT HE GOT AWAY! HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT?"
"Maybe it was the quality of the rope?" Butterball chuckled, sweating bullets.
"DAMNATION!" He yelled at him. As he continue to badger them with verbal abuse for letting one of their S&M playthings get away, The Lord of the Underworld, Satan(let's just call him Beelz), and former dictator of Iraq, Saddam Hussein, were eating cheap tacos at the other table.
"Wow, these guys are getting so worked up over a runaway fetishist," Beelz commented as he ate his E. Coli chalupa.
"Who the fuck cares," Saddam sneered, "but it got me interested."
"In what way, Saddam?"
"Don't you see, Big Red Ass?" He explained, annoyed. "That this douche Frank Cotton got away from there clutches. That means he has a way to return to the world of the living."
"What are you planning this time, Saddam?" The prince of darkness asked with suspicion, "You're not planning world domination again are you?"
"What's you problem, bitch?" Saddam complained, "I am planning to take over the world. What? You think I'm happy staying here?"
"But every time you try, your plans always backfire. Can't you stay here with me?" Beelz tried to be pretty.
"And get bored here? Fuck that!" the ex-dictator fumed, crossing his arms. "I'll make sure my plans work. And I want you to cooperate."
"But Saddam-" Beelz pleaded.
"What now, bitch!" He snapped.
"Why should I cooperate in your bid for world domination?" He bitched like a spoiled little party girl, "The last time I remembered, you just used me to get the whole world for yourself and then use me for sex afterward but you were defeated by a fat boy and his friends."
"Heeeeeeyyyyy! Relax, guy!" Saddam tried to soothe him, "When I get back to the world, I'll make you my queen." He smiled prettily at his demonic lover.
"Really?" The devil cheered gullibly.
Saddam instantly frowned at him and snapped, "No, bitch! I'm gonna be the one calling the shots when I'm king and you're gonna be my ass bitch!"
"That was mean," he cried.
"What? Do you think the meek will inherit the earth? That's just for pussies," he snapped again. "Here's the plan: the Cenobites have this box called the Lament Configuration where they suck in any dumbass who solves it, right?"
"That's right," Beelz reluctantly agreed.
"You see, we should hijack it the moment it opens up again, then take over the world."
"And when would that be?" He asked skeptically. "You know the two of us can't fit through the portal if it's open."
"Heeeeeeyyyyy! Relax, bitch!" He replied, "who said we can't get inside in places too tight." And he's now horny, "and getting in tight places gets me hot."
"Oh no, Saddam," Beelz replied sternly, "we've discussed this before." Clearly, Saddam doesn't take his lover seriously when he's horny.
"Come on," he teased, "there's nothing a little ass pounding won't help."
"But Saddam," the devil replied, "you're not taking our relationship seriously."
"Come on," the dictator bitched, "you're no fun any how. Just please give me some backdoor poontang."
"But Saddam, how are we gonna take over the world again if we can't fix our relationship?"
"Screw thaaaaat," he snapped, "the world can't conquer itself you know."
They didn't talk for a while. Then the dictator spoke, "Wanna go that concert with Biggie Smalls?"
The devil cheered, "Sure, why not-" Saddam suddenly pulled out a rubber mallet and knocked him on the head.
WHACK!
The huge red evil overlord fell face first on his chalupa. Saddam went behind and said, "You should know when it's flippy time for me, bitch." He undid his lover's pants. At the other table, Pinhead threatened them with revoking of piercing saloon and whipping privileges if they don't find a way to get him back.
Keiichi's taco...
Keiichi is alone in his room, reading the lolicon magazine that Shion asked Mion to give him to. His parents are at a social function at Gifu City, leaving him all by himself.
"Ohhhhh, rape Rika, rape Rika, rape Rika," he chanted as he fapped to one of the centerfolds in the magazine. It was special issue with with three centerfolds. One of them featured Imouto, another with Yutaka Kobayakawa. The third is his favorite, Rika Furude. Yes, he had long fantasized about doing the shrine maiden of the village, even when she's still way below legal age! He wanted to enter heaven through her. Outside, two of his friends decided to play a trick on him.
"Hi Mi-chan," Rena greeted as she, Mikuru and Arakawa met Mion, "It's nice to see you."
"Hey Mikuru," Rena said to Mikuru as they joined Mion, "Keiichi is at home right now. Let's mess with him."
"Why would you do that?" Mikuru asked.
"'Cause Keiichi's such a gullible little douchebag," Mion happily explained. They approached the door of his house and rang the doorbell.
"Ding-dong, anyone home?" The voice from the door cheered. The doorbell knocked him out of revelry. Still, he was much too horny to be annoyed by it. Rather, it... stimulated... him... further.
"Who is it~?" Keiichi sang, standing in front of it.
"It's a pair of girl scouts selling cookies!" Another voice rang out.
"Just a minute, I'm taking off my pants," he sang back. The door opened and in stood Keiichi, "Hello?"
"Haha, Keiichi," Mion laughed, "you fell for it. You're such a gullible little douchebag."
"Huh?" He said then he realized that he's been tricked, "Dammit! My dreams of handling a girl scout's cookies have been shattered!" He growled slightly in rage.
"Hehe. Trust me Keiichi, you wouldn't know what to do with us," Mion replied, mocking his romantic inadequacy.
"Oh yeah, is that Mikuru?" Keiichi asked, pointing to the lolita moe that they've won from the SOS Brigade standing between Rena and Mion.
"Yes," Rena replied, "we're just showing her about how easy it is to fool you."
"Okay..." He replied. A few seconds later, he spoke, "Who's that guy behind you?"
"Oh him," Rena replied, "that's Kenta-kun."
Keiichi looked at the middle-aged man cosplaying as the Colonel, who would have made filled out a form as a token gay in a chick flick. He finally said, "Oh... the Colonel. Where'd you get him?"
"From the KFC stand," Rena cheerily replied.
"Oh," Keiichi said dumbly, "I didn't know that Harlan Sanders was gay." Then he turned his eyes to the box in Rena's hands. He asked, "What's in the box?"
"Oh this, these are tacos." She opened the box to reveal the Mexican goodness inside. "These are better than Taco Bell's."
The boy's eyes widened into saucepans and his drooled like a waterfall. His eyes then swept to the two redheads, Rena and Mikuru. His imagination turned the girls into sultry Mexican senoritas. He then spoke to Rena, "Hey Rena, may I have your virginity, I mean, some tacos? I have an appetite that only a tasty taco can get rid off."
"No Keiichi," Rena said firmly, "you can't have either."
"Okay..." He moaned. Then he looked Mikuru. His eyes wandered to her curvy hourglass figure. And he drooled even more.
"Miss Asahina," he asked with his tongue sticking out, "may I deflower you - and give some of those tacos?"
The moe jumped back behind Rena, "No! You're a creepy pervert!"
"That's right, Keiichi," Mion joined in, "No."
Keiichi gasped, "Blast! My dreams of making out with Miss Ass-hina's boobs and getting free tacos have been shattered."
"Yeah, you weren't particularly smart about it, either." Rena felt too exasperated by Keichii's bluntness to even be disgusted. "About as subtle as a seven-foot-tall ex-convict in a suit of blue space armor." With a gesture to a man passing by, fitting that exact description right down to the blue armor, carrying a bigass assault rifle. "No offense."
"Don't worry 'bout it." The gravelly-voiced cigar-smoking man waved, before resuming his business.
"Please, Rena," begged the sex-starved boy, "I've never had anybody to lay with since the first arc, when you asked me to."
"Well that's just too damn bad. This story's only rated... wait... eh, never mind. Still, NO."
"You don't know how desperate I'm getting, Rena! I had to bludgeon myself in the dangalang with a brick on a stick to keep me from raping a stray dog! I had to slap myself to keep from staring at a parking meter! I! AM! A! WRECK!"
"That's just sick, perverted and disturbed as you usually are. Under no circumstances am I inclined to honor your requests."
"Okay, then," he replied, "can I still have some tacos?"
"Hell no! These are MY tacos!"
"GIMME THE TACOS!"
"Never!"
Rebuffed, Keiichi went back inside crying. Rena turned to Mikuru, "See, Mikuru. That's what Keiichi's like during these nights were his parents are out of town."
"Really?"
"Sometimes," she chirped, "He doesn't get out of town that often, you know."
"What does he do every night when his parents are gone?"
Mion replied, "Sometimes, he plays Castlevania, watches Code Geass, or surf for hentai online."
"He's Code Geass fanboy?" The moe noted, "now wonder why he's nuts."
"He has a life-sized fanservice poster of Kallen Stadtfeld which he faps vigorously during Sundays."
"Really?"
"Yeah, just take a look of this." Mion took out a cellphone with a camera and played a video. It showed Keiichi nude in his bedroom with a large sexy poster of Kallen Stadtfeld in front of him. He was...
... being naughty. He played with himself very vigorously, with tongue sticking out. He kept on chanting, "I want Kallen, I want Kallen, I want Kallen..." Mion then turned off the cellphone before they reached the really disturbing part.
"Ewwww," Mikuru moaned, "is he really like that?"
"Sometimes," Mion chimed. "Again, when his folks ain't at home and only at night."
"You know what, he should get out more," she commented. "It's not healthy for him to stay in his house of most of the time."
"He never got beyond city limits," Mion chuckled. "Except that one time last December."
"What's that?"
"Comiket. He's a big Code Geass otaku and he was nice to let us join in. The event was a blast!"
"Wow, you cosplayed?" Mikuru asked.
"Yeah, and I was Hatsune Miku and Rena was Ritsu from K-On."
"Who was Keiichi cosplaying?"
The two girls chuckled for a while. Rena replied, "Keiichi's Lelouche."
"What!" Mikuru was surprised over the new revelation.
"It's true," Mion joined in, "you couldn't even tell the difference. But once his out of the Zero outfit, he's Keiichi again." Just as she said that, the trio were suddenly startled by Keiichi's loud sobbing. They look up the window and saw his figure hunched over in sadness.
"My God," the moe said, "he's sad." She turned to Mion, "Maybe we should give him some tacos."
"Like I'm gonna give that little perv some," Rena muttered indignantly, "these tacos are special." Keiichi's sobbing got louder.
"Um... maybe you should reconsider," she suggested, "he'll probably feel better. A little kindness goes a long way." She winked at her new best friend.
"That's right, Miss Rena~," Arakawa suggested, "It takes an act of compassion to change a little boy's heart, especially if it's cold, shriveled and covered in tar." Rena felt a little guilty. She then smiled.
"Keiichi-kun~," Rena called out sweetly, "please come here." The door instantly opened and Keiichi's out front, instantly happy again. He stood with his mouth open.
"What is it, Rena?" He bawled.
"Keiichi, me and Rena decided to give you some of the tacos," the redhead replied.
"Oh really?" He jumped with joy, "Oh give me, give me, give me."
Rena opened a box and offered it to Keiichi, "Take your pick." In an instant, Keiichi snatched some out of the box.
"Geez," he chirped, "thanks Rena. You're a lifesaver."
"Oh, before we forget," Mion took out a box of her own. "I have some chocolates to share."
"Oh really?" Keiichi asked excitedly. "Can I have some?"
"Yes," Mion replied, "with or without nuts."
"I can't decide," Keiichi mulled over before finally making his choice. "Without nuts, then!"
"Okay," Miion gave him a box. "Here you go." He quickly swiped it and went back inside. As the door slammed, the two girls giggled.
"What's so funny?" Mikuru asked perplexed.
"He's still a gullible little douchebag," Mion chimed. "Those are special chocolates. And depending what he had for lunch or dinner, his reaction to it can differ."
"I see," the moe noted.
"And I wonder what kind of reaction he would since I gave him some tacos?" Rena asked cutely.
"And by the way, Mikuru, those chocolates have nuts," Mion added slyly.
"Huh?"
Inside, they could hear him munch happily on his dinner of tacos and chocolates. "Num, num, num, num, num, num..."Then there was a loud burp. He finally said, "That's the best dinner I ever had. Pity, I didn't score with any of them though." Then there was a very loud growling noise. Then a very loud fart, "AHHHH! I've been tricked again! Keiichi's running to the bathroom!" They heard some loud running and door slamming. Then they heard him moan in pain,"AHHHHH! TACO HELL!" Plus more loud farting.
The three girls and one man dropped to the ground and let out a horrible cacophony of laughter. Arakawa rolled around the ground with both hands on his stomach and his began to water. Rena and Mion were drumming their heels on the ground and Mikuru was trying hard to cover her mouth to avoid making too much noise.
Suppressing more laughter, Mion said, "Tacos and chocolates make a very bad combination."
Rena added, "And nutty chocolates are a no-no for Kei-chan."
"Wow," Mikuru commented, stifling a chuckle, "you sure do know how to do schadenfreude."
"OH THE PAIN!" Keiichi screamed. "OH THE PAIN!"
"Come on, guys," Rena said, "let's go home. It's been a long night." Everyone agreed and went home. And Rena and Mikuru unknowingly and warmly held hands together along the way.
Shion, you're so crazy~...
"Lalalala," Shion sang as she made some dolls on the table, "I'm gonna play with you today~." She learned how to make dolls from Arts Class. The dolls looked like her friends, including Satoshi, and the SOS Brigade. The biggest of the dolls looked like Mikuru in frilly white lolita garb. "It's play time, Miss Asahina," She cooed and lifted her up in both arms, dancing around like a little girl.
She looked at the smiling lolita doll, all happy and smile. Shion's face, in contrast, looked absolutely freaky. Her eyes were dilated in grotesque sizes and she looked like she can commit wanton acts of evil. She set on a table with the Satoshi doll. She's making a puppet show.
"Hello," she spoke in a tiny cute voice to make her Mikuru doll speak, "What a beautiful day? The sky is blue and the birds are chirping and I'm ready to steal a man like the little harlot I am."
Then she happily took out the Satoshi doll and made some hopping motions with it like a little girl. "Summer is here, and I'm off to visit Shion." Then she placed 'Mikuru' near 'Satoshi'.
"Oh, good morning," 'Satoshi' greeted 'Mikuru,' waving his stubby hand.
"Hello!" The Mikuru doll 'replied', "I was just eating some pizza! Do you want some pizza?" 'She' offered a multicolored piece of clothe resembling a pizza.
"Oh no, thank you," 'Satoshi' respectfully declined. "I'm having breakfast at Shion's."
"Come on, Satoshi," 'she' cooed, "I wanna thank you for saving from my madame Miss Suzumiya."
"Yes, I know but my heart goes to Shion."
"But I have a lot of things that weigh more than Shion's heart," 'Mikuru' replied cutely.
"And what's that?" He 'asked' skeptically.
"I'm cute."
"Yes, I know you're cute but I better get going," he 'walked' off.
"No wait," 'Mikuru' pleaded, "that's not even the best part."
'Satoshi' stopped midway, "What is the best part then?"
"These!" 'She' squealed and peeled a part of her dress, 'flashing' at 'Satoshi'.
"My... my...," he said slowly, "those... are...big..."
"Really?" 'Mikuru' beamed and 'hopped' happily, "Why thank you, I'll give a better breakfast than Shion would ever give."
"Yeah..." The doll 'replied' hesitantly, "but Shion... has those... too..."
"But mine's bigger. Does she also have my cute face or my ravishing red hair or the whorish moeness that I have?" The moe doll 'giggled', "I can give you more than she can give. What does it take to capture your heart?"
"Nothing at all!" 'Satoshi' jumped.
"Okay," the moe 'chirped', "let's shag!"
"Right on with you," the doll couple hopped away in delight. But the puppet master's pissed. Her smiled looked crack, her eyes twitched violently, and her hands trembled with rage. Her mind is on fire. She's suddenly have the urge to let the demon inside her loose. She turned menacing glances at the SOS Brigade dolls, starting with the Mikuru doll on her hand. Her face cracked into complete rage! But first...
She separated the SOS Brigade dolls from that of her friends and placed the latter on one side of the table. She gently placed the Satoshi doll between the Mion and Rena dolls. Then turned her eyes back on the Mikuru doll.
And she banged it against the table wildly, screaming to the top of her lungs! She then drowned it in boiling water. After that, she took a pen knife and stabbed it many times. She cast it hard on floor and stomped on it rapidly. Picking it up, she banged it on the table some more and ripped its arms out, then the head, and finally gouged out the cotton stuffing with her bare hands. As pieces of the doll fell to the table, she switched to other targets, the SOS Brigade. She then proceeded to tear them apart wildly, shrieking in rage at them. Spent, she panted as she looked over at the remains of the SOS Brigade dolls and noticed that there's one doll left. It was a doll that looked Kyon.
Shion noticed that she somehow made it peculiar. For eyes, it had a button on the left and a googly eye in the right. It was dressed in a North High boy's uniform. It had the likeness of a chibi version of Kyon - except its mouth. The mouth looked like it was sewed badly on the face, stitches being very visible and it had a grin that looked like it's made of jagged glass(in fact it is jagged glass, taken from a mirror Shion broke in rage and then she glued the pieces into a smile) which stretched from ear to ear. The Kyon doll looked absolutely terrifying and disturbing. It almost looked liked a voodoo doll that came to life and killed its witch doctor, just like from a very gory horror movie.
Shion thought about if it's a good idea to kill a doll as scary as that, especially since she created it that way unknowingly adding its horrific features in the process. It seemed to smile back at her.
Then picked him up and slammed him violently against the table, stabbed him repeatedly before slashing him open and tearing him apart. She laughed demonically and danced around like crazy.
"YEAH! That's better!" She screamed, "Better than Saw!" She panted slowly, trying to savor her rage. She calmed down, clearly having an idea about what she planned to do to take care of Mikuru and regain Satoshi's heart. Her smile was one of terrible evil. It was going to be so terrible that no girl would cross her's or Satoko's path ever again.
Then a crashing sound from the kitchen alarmed her. She quickly swung her head to the corridor still smiling. If it's a burglar, he's gonna have a taste of her viciousness. Pretending she didn't hear it, she skipped happily away, humming the Pretty Cure theme. She knelt down on the floor.
"Hey, check it out," she cheered, "a secret compartment in the floorboards." She chuckled as she moved it a few times. She went on, "Boy, this is so much fun that I've forgotten what I'm doing. I'm completely off-guard. Yep, if someone were to attack me right now I'd be completely vulnerable." Crickets chirped. She then extracted a knife out of the secret compartment. She stood up and then the lights went out.
"What the hell!" She jumped around, "who turned off the lights!" She walked stealthily, checking her corners with blade drawn.
Then a hand grabbed her mouth. An arm disarmed her and she was lifted up in the air.
"Cock-a-doodle-do, it's dangalang-"
Shion gasped in surprise.
"Bitch, it's rape time!" Replied the Spandex-wearing intruder. He then sang, "Baby you can tell by the way I use my walk I'm a woman's man."
"AAAAHH!" Shion screamed as she was thrown on the bed. Now she lay on top, trapped and spreadeagled. The blue Spandex leotard-wearing ninja was down in on his fours like a spider. It's only a matter of time before he violates Shion.
"Time for me use my wonker," the ninja said with glee. Shion tried to struggle but his grip is too strong. "Man, how ain't you gonna let mew do my cockadoodledo thing?"
"I don't know who the hell you are but I'm gonna fuck you up," she threatened.
"Bitch, that's what I want you do," Replied Spandex ninja. He got ready. Shion winced.
"No please."
"What we have here, little yellow sister, is a magnificent specimen of pure Alabama Blacksnake. But it ain't too goddamned beaucoup. " He replied. "Rape ain't comfy and I bet your better than that fat kid's mommy."
"You sound like a Chavvy Piccolo," the green-hair noted.
"That's what everyone tells me," he stopped short of what he's doing and grunted in annoyance. He doesn't like being referred to as a Chavvy Piccolo.
"Okay, I've got something for you," Shion launched a massive kick into his groin. He was sent flying out of the bed. He howled in pain. She grabbed her knife again and faced the intruder.
"Time for some circumcision!" She laughed menacingly, brandishing the knife. The ninja got up on his feet and Shion pursued him all over the apartment, Benny-Hill style. But the 'ninja' was too quick, somersaulting to and fro to dodge Shion's strikes.
"Oh man," he despaired, "you ruined tonight's job."
"I'll shove your balls up your ass!" She shrieked. He pissed her off even more by him 'lolololololol'ing like a turkey.
"Toodles, dame," he repied happily and made it out the open window, where he ziplined in. "Run run run as fast as you can,you cant catch me I'm the dingalingman." He walked up the rope like the daring young on the flying trapeze.
"Oh yeah?" Shion cut the rope with one slash. The rope fell and he screamed, hitting the ground like meteor.
Shion went downstairs to grab the groaning rapist. There he was in pain. "Man..." He said, "my dangalng's all messed up." He stumbled down and saw Shion's feet. He looked up and saw her terrifying rape face. He shuddered and tried to crawl away. Shion nonchalantly grabbed and threw him up in the air, slamming him hard against the wall. He walked up to him in evil triumph.
"Now, let's see who's behind the mask." She licked her knife. She pulled out the masked. The revelation shocked her.
"Toby Maguire!" She gasped. The Spiderman star tried to molest her?
"Hello, Shion," he chuckled nervously.
"Something doesn't add up," she said with some doubt. She pulled his nose. Lo and behold! It was a mask again...
... and it was Robert Downey Jr.
"What? The Ironman?" She was surprised again, "Who the hell are you?"
He replied, "Me? I know who I am! I'm a dude playin' a dude disguised as another dude."
That made Shion suspicious again. He pulled his nose and found yet another mask.
It was none other than the School Council President! The cold bastard suddenly showed one emotion - fear.
"Hmmm," Shion teased menacingly, "just to make sure..." She held the knife close to his face, preparing to skin it.
He bolted up in fear, "OKAY! OKAY! This is my real face! Please don't cut it!" He went down on his knees and begged, kissing her feet.
"Why did you try to rape me?" She demanded angrily.
"Please," he explained frantically, "I only did it for the money! My salary's too small-"
"You've got the wrong job, pal!" Shion smirked. She then dragged his ass back to the house. "It's Happy Fun Fun Time~!"
"No!" He screamed for his life, "Don't hurt me! I'll do anything! Anything! Anything, I tell you! Just please don't hurt me!" But all his begging is in vain as he's about to found out as his pleas are drowned by her demonic cackling.
Meanwhile... At a hotel in Gifu City, someone was having some tea as she impatiently checked her watch and cellphone. "What's taking him so long?" Yuno huffed impatiently as drank some of her tea(British style with pinky out). She also took another look at her ax blade, which was sitting next to her magazines, one of them is The Economist while the other is a yaoi magazine. She then said, "He should be done by now but it's getting late. If he comes back late..." She held up her ax, "I'll kill him." She then called a bank in Switzerland(owned by Hetalia's human version) to wire back the money she sent to the school council president. "But if that Most Pyschotic Yandere-title stealing Sonozaki bitch is still alive, I'll chop her from limb to limb."
Reverse shower murder..
Julia went to the bathroom to clean up. It had been a tiresome day. During that night, she had a light dinner alone and overheard a heated conversation with proprietor Norman Bates and his mother. Mother? She didn't she had a mother. Oh well, she thought, anyone who lives with his mommy has a screwed-up life. She continued to wash up, not noticing an eye moving in the painting outside the bathtub. Actually, those 'eyes' are actually peepholes for someone gazing hungrily at her, all the while working out on a stationary bike that powers the grindstone that's sharpening his knife.
The bathroom door opened silently and an unknown figure entered , knife in hand, at its unwitting prey. It hungrily at the figure of the woman he was about to kill.
"A boy's best friend is his mother," the mysterious figure said as he approached the shower curtain. Then he ripped it open, raised the knife to plunge into her body-
POING!
Julia banged his head with a pipe, knocking him over and crashing into his back. He groaned as he gazed back at the naked Julia. The 40-plus woman smirked at him, "Norman Bates, what a surprise. I didn't know you like dress up in drag." True enough, Norman Bates was dressed like an old lady, complete with a wig. "And you forgot, Norman. I'm a MILF."
"How.. did... you know..." He groaned, wanting know how she knew how he was gonna kill her.
"I didn't. Let's just say it was my lucky day." She smiled evilly.
WHACK!
Hotel chaos...
While Haruhi was happily making her alliance with the Anti-SOS Brigade, Yuki's eyes wandered around the room as the soccer game ended in a great victory for Beckham's team. She caught sight of a sweet gentle girl standing at the back with a short blue-haired girl with a catlike smile. She has short, purple hair with a yellow ribbon in it and droopy eyes that are light violet. She looked like Akari Kamigishi from To Heart, one of her favorite adult dating sims. The girl had brilliant sheen which Yuki couldn't get over. The alien approached her like a stupid moth drawn to a kerosene lamp.
"Hey, Tsukasa," Kotonoha asked, "wanna try the salad?"
"Oh, yes," she chirped, "I really do."
"That's great 'cause it has that balsamic vinegar that you like a lot."
"Really?" She asked excitedly, feeling all giddy. She never expected it.
"Here, try it," the otaku offered a large bowl of greens glazed with a glistening black sauce.
Hesitant at first, she took the bowl in her hands. She then took out a salad fork and picked up some greens. She ate some chewed them slowly to note the taste. Her face lit up like the sun. "Oh my," she chirped, "there really is balsamic vinegar." She turned to Konota, "Thanks, Kona-chan."
"Don't mention it," she happily chirped as she fished out a large chocolate cornet from the dessert stand.
As Tsukasa munched happily on her salad, Yuki stood in front of her. She realized that she was the girl back in the schoolyard who, along with her friends, did battle with the Games Club and the Anti-SOS Brigade. Her performance in the game wasn't very good - she was sprayed with water by bullies Kyouko and Kuyou and didn't even fight back. Yuki felt sorry about how helpless she is against them. She wanted to reach out to her.
"Good evening," Yuki greeted pleasantly.
Tsukasa looked up and saw a girl with short lavender-hair and pale skin. She looks quite ordinary enough. She greeted back, "Good evening."
"Nice night, isn't it?" The alien asked.
"Well, it is," Tsukasa replied, "a bit crowded, though."
"I see," Yuki looked around, "you know what... you looked familiar." She looked at Tsukasa with eyes entranced.
"Do I look like someone you know?" The girl timidly asked.
"Yes..." Yuki's eyes widened, "you looked like my favorite To Heart character... Akari Kamigishi, you're so like her."
Tsukasa gasped and backed away a bit. There's yet another fucked-up otaku who plays dating sims for the lack of dates and is ogling at her. She thought, Please, big sis! Please come and save me.
"Were you hurt by those two bitches?" Yuki asked with care. Suddenly, Tsukasa remembered being splashed with water from those two girls from the school yard. They were very mean to her and Miyuki. One of them sounded like a fuckep-up Vocaloid with hair that seemed to make up half her body weight while the other girl looked like a loli whose puberty was belatedly jump-started by Mary Jane. This weird looking girl doesn't sound like an otaku... so far.
"Well," she replied slowly, "They got me a little wet but other than that, I'm fine." The alien looked at the salad and forked a lettuce leaf. She ate and said, "You like balsamic vinegar?"
"Yes, it's quite tasty."
"I see," Yuki smiled, "everything will be alright, Miss Akari Kamigishi."
Tsukasa was definitely creeped out, "I'm not Akari Whoever-she-is. My real name's Tsukasa Hiiragi and I'm not a cosplayer. This is what I usually wear everyday." She pointed to her ribbon.
"Fair enough," Yuki replied, "you're so pretty."
"Is that... just because I look like you favorite character, or..."
"Hmm..." Yuki murmured inconfirmingly. "So, have you ever heard about 'crack fics'?"
"Eh? What do you mean? I guess I haven't."
"I heard rumours. Crack fics are hideous perversions of reality, existing solely to spread pain, misery, suffering, and severe mental anguish among the population. They make no sense and have no coherent plot, and are generally as healthy as a day spent in the hot Chernobyl sun."
"Wow, that sounds scary."
"Eh, they're just rumours."
"Okay..." Yuki's eyes looked hungry, "I want to have you." Tsukasa trembled at the site of the alien trying to hit her.
Kagami went around to look for sister only to see her back away from lavender-haired dyke. She rushed in between them like a raging bull. "Hey! She shouted at Yuki, "Back off!"
"And who might you be?" Yuki asked in monotone.
"I'm Kagami Hiiragi, you screwed little otaku!" She snapped at her. "And this girl's no cosplayer, she's my sister!"
"Hooray, sis," Tsukasa quietly cheered at her older sister saving her from this stalker.
"That's what she said," Yuki replied.
"Okay, we're outta here," Kagami blurted as she took Tsukasa by the wrist like a little child. As she did, she was confronted by a priest.
"Are the two of you shrine maidens?" He asked, startling the two.
"Uh... sometimes during the holidays," Kagami replied slowly.
"You know what that means?" He shouted insanely, "You are committing idolatry! You're committing idolatry with your anime worship!"
"What are talking about?" Tsukas stammered in fright.
"People who worship idols go the everlasting black pit of Hell! People who serve idolatry go to Hell and burn even more!"
"But were not even Catholic!" Kagami blurted, "And who the hell are you and what gives you the right to impose on us?"
"I'm Father Maxi and it's my duty to spread the word of the Good Shepherd to all corners of the earth. Hell is not a very nice place. Burning, searing, flames. Screaming, torture. For eternity. Once you are in hell, you cannot escape. You live forever in horrible pain, in burning agony. All sinners are there in misery, dying over and over and over Hell is not a very nice place. Burning, searing, flames. Screaming, torture. For eternity. Once you are in hell, you cannot escape. "
"Yeah, thanks for the sermon!" Kagami hurriedly said, "we're leaving!"
"No! I have much to say! You need to be saved! You live forever in horrible pain, in burning agony. All sinners are there in misery, dying over and over and over for Satan has made it the most miserable place in the universe! And he will be your ruler! A place of everlasting agony and pain! Hell awaits all sinners and all who do not accept Christ!If this does not change, I promise you, you will be going to the black pit of Satan's world!"
The twins screamed and ran away, not from the searing light of Catholicism's moral ascendancy but from rumors of what priests do to teenage girls. As he tried to catch to continue his rantings, Yuki strucked a bowl of salad into his head. Father Maxi crashed into a table, tumbled across the floor. He was now panicking as balsamic vinegar stung his eyes.
-StarCraft II theme plays-
"Ahhh! The black vinegar of everlasting night!" He struggled epically to remove it out of his head, stumbling into more things and people, generally causing chaos for several minutes. With many epic crashes. Some flying pieces of food entered women's cleavages, causing them to scream in panic add to the general chaos.
-StarCraft II theme ends-
As he finally popped it out of his head, he looked at the mess he created. He gasped, "Good Lord... What have I done?" The entire dining hall looked like the aftermath of an alcohol-hyped Justin Beiber concert that took place in the mansion of the Baldwin brothers that was hosted by Borat. It was too damn messy.
Yuki muttered under her breath, "No one religiously harass my favorite H-game characters and gets away with it." She then went up with a stunned SOS Brigade, who only move half-heatedly from behind.
The chibis strike back...
Churuya ranted for a few minutes on after she was pulled away from the ruined portion of the tunnel, still trying to challenge Kimiyoshi the next time she moves. After that, she panted and sat down.
"Churuya," Achakura pleaded, "please come down. I want you to breath in and breathe out.
Churuya did as she was instructed for a few seconds.
"Feeling better?" Achakura asked with concern.
"I was... so close..." Churuya muttered in despair. She then pinched the air to make a point, "I was this close to taking the mother lode."
"That's alright," the bluenette chibi cheered, "we can do at a next time." But Churuya didn't listen to her. She was reminiscing.
Flashback...
The delivery man deposited a box of smoked cheese at the front of the Tsuruya mansion and droved off. Outside, Tsuruya burst out the door and shouted with glee. "Oh my God! My deluxe smoked cheese from Europe is here!"
Then a squeaky voice called out, "Yay~, smoke cheese!" Churuya then happily skipped outside to grab the box only to be caught by the collar by her creator Tsuruya.
"What's the big idea, pipsqueak!" The fanged girl raged at the chibi.
"Why are you so worked my creator," Churuya said sweetly, "I only want to have some of that smochi."
"Oh really~" Tsuruya's face lit up in a sly smile. "Well then... GO WASH THE DISHES, CLONE!" She flung her towards the sink full of soapy water and dirty dishes. Churuya crashed into the pile. She then emerged from it, wet and dirty.
"What was that for?" Churuya asked sibilantly.
"Today, it's the servants' day off," her creator cruelly explained, "and since that nobody's around to clean the dishes, I think you should, nyoro!" LOL Fang-tan let out a laugh that supposed to sound evil and sadistic but ended up sounding moronic.
After a few seconds of that horrible ear-grating laugh, Churuya spoke in a subdued tone, "If I finish... Can I have some smoked cheese?"
"Oh sure," Tsuruya replied, changing from evil to good-natured in a few seconds, "You can." Then she snapped, "Just finish those dishes okay!"
"Okey-dokey!" The chibi quickly complied.
Into the night...
"Tsuruya-san," she chirped, "I'm done." Panted a wet, tired and dirty Churuya as she walked into the living room. "Can I have some smoked cheese?"
"Oh sure," replied a lounging Churuya, seating on Middle Eastern-style sofa, "here you go." She tossed a leftover cheese cube. The chibi ran to get it and caught it. She licked her lips and just as she was about to plop it into her mouth, a mouse jumped over and grabbed the piece, running off to its hole. "Nyoron~", she moaned sadly.
She then turned to Tsuruya for more cheese, "Tsuruya-san, Tsuruya-san, can I have some more?"
"What?" Tsuruya mocked her pleas for more cholesterol-rich goodness, "My little clone wants more cheese?"
Churuya nodded vigorously. Then the fanged girl broke into laughter, "Too bad! You can't have any! I only want cheese for my self and you can't have anymore so go screw yourself!" She threw a towel at the chibi, slamming her against the wall and causing a portion to crack.
"Nyoron~," moaned Churuya. Her creator laughed even harder with her horrible laugh, which made her looked like a jackass.
Flashback over...
"Nyoron... nyoron..." Churuya repeated that word with sadness.
"Are you okay, Churuya?" Achakura asked, patting her shoulders.
"NYORON!" The chibi screeched in rage, "FUCK YOU, TSURUYA! YOU CAN KISS MY ASS IN HELL, YOU MEGA-FATASSED FANGED MORON!" The hamsters quickly stood aside and Achakura hid behind a box in fright. Then the chibi cheese-eater calmed down and sat back.
"Churuya, please don't do that again," Achakura said.
"I'm sorry," replied the green-haired chibi, "I don't wanna loose all that goodness. I don't want to have to beg to that dumb bitch for cheese. I may be her clone but I'm smarter than her."
"But look where it got us. It never got us anywhere near the cheese," Churuya tried to explain.
Churuya remained silent for a while. Then she blurted, "No!"
"What?"
"That's right, you hear me. I'm not gonna give up." Churuya then gave Achakura some historical examples, "look at Patton, Ho Chi Minh and Mao Tse Tung, did they give up when the first attack failed, did they go home with their tales behind their backs? No! They went and attacked and attacked until their opponents give up. That's what I want to do!" She turned to the hamsters, "Alright! Who's with me!"
The hamsters cheered with resounding excitement, which echoed all over the tunnels. Then Churuya turned to Achakura, "How about you? Achakura? Are you in or out?"
"I don't know..." The bluenette chibi has some reservations about continuing the undertaking.
Then everyone broke into a song. They began to sing Muppet's Professorial Pirates to the unconvinced Achakura.
A few minutes of singing later...
The chibi is now convinced about pushing on regardless. She said to Churuya, "I'm in! I wanna see this through and win! And to friendship and adventure I will go!"
"Good!" Churuya said, handing her a box cutter. "Tonight's your first big job. Do it well and you will have the adventure of a lifetime." Everyone cheered and their morale was raised to astonishing heights.
The Slender Man...
Frank Cotton has trashed the entire Saiguden searching for the Cube. It was frustrating work as all sorts of stuff have piled around him. He though, Damn, where's Julia and that victim she promised me? As he trifled through the useless junk, he found an unusual looking book. It looked like it was made with leather coming from human flesh. It smelled like crap and it looked old. Frank then said, "Damn, you're ugly."
"UGLY?" Screeched the book, with a face emerging from the front cover, "I'll show you ugly!" It pounced on him and bit him. Frank screamed louder than ever when he had his fetish adventures and the entire shed resounded with the sounds of a life and death struggle.
Outside... The boys began moving in, roleplaying some Vietnam war-era LRRP patrols.
"This Jackass Six, Jackass Six, over," Cartman said, imitating radio static.
"Copy that, Jackass Six, this is Bravo Six, over," Replied Kyle.
"Report, Bravo Six, over," Cartman commanded.
"It looks like this gook village is all quite," replied Kyle, "no activity, over."
"Keep your eyes peeled, Bravo One, 'I' Corp intel shows this village's main hub of VC activity, over."
"Roger that, over."
"Hey, Bravo One," Cartman went on, "better go check that synagogue on the right flank. It's probably an ammo cache, over."
Pissed, Kyle's face went red with anger. He then snapped at him, "Shouldn't that a shrine, Cartman?"
"Whatever, Kyle," Cartman didn't mind his own Anti-Semitic comment. He turned to Stan and Tweak, "Stan, Tweak, on the '60." The two boys climbed up from behind Cartman and set up an airsoft M60. "Bravo One, check the syna-"
"Shrine!" Kyle cut in.
"Okay, shrine!" Cartman grumbled, "better check the shrine, Jew."
"I will, fatass!" He turned to his squad, Bravo One, consisting of Jimmy, Craig, and Gregory. "Bravo One, move out." The four boys moved cautiously to the shrine, crouched low.
"I got a baaaad feeling on this one there, Fats. " Token Black said to Cartman.
"Our asses don't get fragged in this bullshit village," Cartman replied, holding up an airsoft M16 and playacting his role, "first thing I'm doin' is payin' my two bucks so I can watch Kenny bust his cherry on a sweet little mama-san's dinky-down poon-tang!"
"Shit, Kenny be bagged and tagged before he get any cooch. He die, he probably die a coochless motherfucker." Chuckled Pip, who was the British kid in the class, and perhaps the entire town of South Park. Then a noise startled them from a shed behind the woods.
"What's that?" Craig shuddered.
"Zip it, that look's like a VC interrogation hut," Cartman quieted Craig, "we better go rescue us some POWs." Then doors of the shed burst open. The boys nearly screamed and dove into the nearby bushes. Peering through the foliage, they saw a violently jerking figure of a horribly-disfigured man who looked like he had both the worst plastic surgery in his life and the worst autopsy in death, with a flat piece of thick leather aggressively biting his hand. He snarled so viciously that the boys almost wet their pants.
"Oh my God," Kyle whispered, "he's dancing." He's right. The creature danced a mashup of Geddan, Numa Numa, Paffendorf, Hamster Dance, and Caramelldansen so fast and so weird that it would put hip-hop and Dirty Dancing to shame.
"Check it out," Cartman said in glee, his eyes wide open.
Frank Cotton tried to shake of the vicious book out of his hand, spanking it against the trees, biting the leather binding that tasted like Britney Spears, and scraping on the ground like a turd. Then he finally stepped on it, painfully pulled it out from his hand and got rid of it - with his hand gone too. Pissed, he shouted, "Arrghh! Just my bloody luck!"
"Jesus Christ, guys," Stan called, "it's the Slender Man."
"Timmeh, Timmeh, Timmeh!" Timmy shouted in fear.
"He's right," Jimmy Vulmer explained, "it's the guy who takes kids of the playground, rapes them in his basement, and eats them for dinner." They shook even more in fright as the terrible Slender Man ambled out of the woods.
Frank swayed as he clumsily moved his body, tired after the epic struggled with that horribly ugly book. He panted heavily when a piece of bird crap splatted on his shoulder. He turned his eyes upward to see a large murder- that's right, murder- of crows gazing at him hungrily. To pissed to even try to look at them for a moment and think it over, he snapped at the crows, "Bollocks! What the hell do you want, you little shitbirds?"
One of the crows hopped next to him and simply cawed, "Mine."
Oh shit, he thought as the crows flocked around him, they think I'm a walking buffet table. No kidding, since Britain's favorite sexual deviant looked like he was a piece of rotting leftover pizza on legs.
He didn't move. The crow said again, "Mine."
All of a sudden, hundreds of crows pounced on him like a bunch of gays at a discount lingerie shop. Frank screamed as he tried to swat away the hundreds of cadaver-eating birds off his body to no avail. Rolling around the ground to crush didn't help as the simply fly out of the way and pounce on him once again. The crows alternately chanted creepily, "Raping, time, raping time, raping time, raping time..." and ,"Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine!..."
"ARRGGH! ARGGH! ARRRGHH!"
"(Oh God!)" Kenny screamed, "(The Slender Man's gathering his flock of evil crows to find us! RUN FOR IT GUYS!)"
"ARRGGHH!" They all screamed and run away. During their hasty flight out of the village, Cartman knocked Token Black out of his way like the fatass jerk he is. He said to him, "Token, make yourself useful and be the first one to die for the sake of our survival!" But Token was too scared to even do that so he got up and ran even faster. The two cripples in their group, Timmy and Jimmy Valmer lagged behind the rest of the others. Tiimy wheeled desperately as he tried to get away from Slender Man. Then he knocked into Jimmy, making them falling into the dirt.
"ARRRGGH!" Growled Frank as he ran around like a moron.
"ARRRGGHH!" Shrieked Jimmy as fear put strength into his legs, throwing away his crutches and made him ran like the wind, keeping up clouds of dust.
"TIMMMMEEEHHH!" Timmy screamed as the Slender Man closed in, doing the same thing to his legs as with Jimmy, popping out of his wheelchair and leaving a hell of a lot of speed lines. Everyone screamed all the way back to the hotel like little girls.
And no offense to the Catholic religion and to Shintoism. I only do that for humor purposes.
Oh my, Norman Bates has met his match. It sucks to be in the losing end. And the SCP's the Rapeman? What the hell! And Saddam's scheming with Satan despite his relationship problems. Here are the references: the convict in blue space armor is StarCraft 2's Tychus Findlay, Yuno Gasai is from Mirai Nikki and the book that attacked Frank is Evil Dead's Necronomicon. To understand all this hilarity, I suggest that you watch Hellraiser, Higurashi, South Park, Haruhi Suzumiya, and Vietnam war movies and much more.