Disclaimer: JE owns the characters.

A/N: I only have Mud and Paula to blame this on. And it's only a remote blame that can be placed. You may need bleach after reading this. You have been warned!

Toilet Paper Rolls

I walked into the house and groaned. The bathroom door had been left open again and there was toilet paper all over the place. This is the absolute last time that I agree to take Bob while Joe's out of town on an assignment, I vowed silently. The bad dog in question was sprawled out on my bed, belly exposed and… EEEWWWWW! His thingie was pointed out!

"Bob!" I shouted hysterically. "Get off my bed! I thought you couldn't do that! EW! EW! EW!"

His head came up to look at me. They were a little glazed over. He groaned as his eyes rolled back into his head. I walked over to the bed to grab his collar and pull him off. That's when I saw it.

"What the hell is that?" I said as I leaned over. I immediately straightened and jumped back. "That is so gross Bob! A fucking toilet paper roll? Why did you have to turn weird while Joe was out of town? This is too gross for me."

He whimpered and wiggled on the bed. He looked like he's in pain. I wonder if Bobby knows anything about dogs. I waved away the thought as I went into my bathroom. I tried to mentally prepare myself as I grabbed a few latex gloves from under the sink.

"I can't believe that I have to do this shit," I said as I slid the gloves on and walked out of the bathroom. "Joe is going to board you next time. I can't deal with a gay dog and my life at the same time."

I walked over to Bob and reached down to pull the roll out of his asshole. What I saw then as I leaned down stole my breath. I jumped up and started running out of my apartment. I got all the way down to the parking lot before I started thinking clearly. This was so beyond my mental capacity.

I fumbled with my cell phone, finally getting it open and using the speed dial. The line picked up and I screamed, "You have to get over here right now!"

"What's wrong, Babe?" His voice was tight and concerned.

"It's too horrifying to explain!" I kept shouting. "Just get over to my apartment right now!"

In my excitement, and the overwhelming feeling of needing a lot of bleach, I snapped my phone closed and threw it away from myself. I was definitely going to need a trip to Costco. They sell bleach by the truck loads, right? What if it's too late and I need a new bed? Oh, God! Why does this stuff always happen to me?

You know that dance you do when you get a really gross mental picture? Or when you see Richard Simmons work out? The one where you shake your arms and you legs and jump around? I was still doing that dance when Ranger screeched to a halt in front of my apartment building.

"What's wrong, Babe?" He shouted over my whimpering as he grabbed my arms to stop my movement.

"My apartment," I whispered as I pointed up weakly.

He flew away, pulling out one of his guns as he went. My super hero. I waited for about thirty seconds and then he came flying back out. He was actually white if you could ever call his skin that color. I had gotten control over myself and I could tell that he was about to lose his.

"Babe."

"Do you need bleach, too?" I asked as I slowly inched closer to him.

"Bleach won't be enough," he sighed after a shiver racked his whole body.

"I think maybe Bob got lonely," I said after a minute.

"Then get him another dog before this happens again," Ranger hissed as he pulled out his cell phone. Then he muttered to himself, "Who in the hell can I call to take care of this?"

"Ranger," I said with a sigh, "the opposite of loneliness is not togetherness. It's intimacy."

"You can't tell me that you are condoning Bob letting Rex crawl up his ass!" Incredulous Ranger. Huh. "It's like Richard Geer all over again!"

"I'm not condoning it!" I shivered at the memory of seeing Rex's whiskers peeking out from the toilet paper roll. "I'm just correcting your statement."

"I'm going to call Lester to deal with this," Ranger said as he started hitting button on his phone. "He was saying something this morning about not getting an action lately. This should be enough action to sustain him for awhile. And then, I'm taking you back to my apartment so that you can explain this intimacy thing to me. In detail."

His eyes had locked with mine as he talked and I watched then darken. Bob? Rex? What? Oh, Boy!