I wanted to say a special thank you to iamevablazevska and angel897 for always faithfuly reviewing. Thank you SO MUCH you two And thank you to anyone who reviews, follows or just even reads. I always tend to get so lazy and never finish things, but you guys are keeping me going and keeping me motivated. I'm so grateful to everyone. I hope you like this next chapter :)
Oh, and I don't know if I've ever actually said on here, but I've been making little edits of Bucky and Liz and posting one for each chapter on my tumblr. You can find the link on my profile if you're interested. I only do it to pass the time, and I like to actually visualise them together.
New York City, the big apple, the melting pot, the capital of the world. Lovisa had already seen it. She'd seen it at night on missions for Hydra. She'd seen it during the day a couple of years ago when it was being destroyed by aliens. She'd seen it at night again a few months ago, when she had come with Steve, Sam and Bucky. The city didn't impress her like it did the others, yet she still felt a strange feeling about it. It wasn't a bad feeling either, but she couldn't quite put her finger on what the feeling was - it was stronger than simple recognition, though she wasn't exactly jumping for joy about being back in NYC.
Yvonne was going crazy though. Every large screen on the tall buildings, every animated advertising screen, every technology shop, she had to stop to inspect it all. She would push her thick black rimmed glasses up her nose as she inspected it, blurting out pieces of information that only she found interesting. She would walk around in a Batman or Lord of the Rings t-shirt, tucked into her high waist jeans and grin like an idiot at the lights and the busy streets. She would grab hold of Camilla's hand and drag her around, asking Lovisa or Dawn to take pictures of the two of them.
Camilla was enjoying the city as well, though more for the ice creams and pancakes and starbucks. Especially the starbucks. She also dragged the girls into every high street fashion shop, and always had to buy something, even if it was just a pair of earrings or a scarf. She took notes of what people wore, comparing the fashion in NYC to back home in New Mexico, constantly wearing short flower patterned dresses, her long braid still hanging down one side.
Dawn didn't like it so much. Though she found it all very interesting, she had already been a few times because of her tennis career. Like Lovisa, she wasn't much of a lover of big crowds, so the two often went together to museums whilst the two lovers explored the city together. It worked out well, because even though Dawn was the person Lovisa had the most trouble being comfortable around, it gave them time to connect. Dawn took her to the Natural History Museum and Lovisa found that she actually knew about a lot of the things they displayed thanks to the intense training that Hydra had put her through as a child. Dawn eagerly listened as Lovisa explained everything she knew about everything, asking her questions when she didn't understand.
"So how come you know so much about all this?" Dawn asked as they sat down to have a break, their legs aching from days of endless walking. "Didn't you say you had a sheltered life?"
Lovisa bit her lip as she played with the museum map in her hands. "Yeah, it's complicated... I wasn't really aloud out. Like, ever." She chuckled sadly, not daring to meet Dawn's eyes. "I guess I was home schooled, really strictly... I didn't really have a childhood."
Dawn outstretched her hand to hold onto Lovisa's, her dark skin contrasting greatly against Lovisa's pale, scarred hand. "Is that why you never talk about yourself?" She asked carefully, her dark eyes staring into Lovisa's green ones, letting her know she was there to help.
Lovisa sighed, nodding. "My mother... She died when I really young. I was raised by..." Lovisa sighed again, looking over at the displays of various animals and the little children pointing at them excitedly. "I was pretty much locked away and raised by many different people, but the only constant person in my life was this horrible, horrible man."
Dawn rubbed her thumb over the back of Lovisa's hand sympathetically. "Well you're free of him now, you'll never have to see him again."
"That's just the thing." Lovisa added, her tear-filled eyes meeting Dawn's again. "I recently found out he... He was my father." She said, licking her lips as she sniffed. "All these years, everything he did to me... And he was my father all along. And... He's dead now."
"Oh sweetie..." Dawn wrapped an arm around her shoulders and held her against her. "Parents are never easy to deal with. Even the good ones... He may be your biological father but if he never acted like your father, then by all means he's not." She said, her words profoundly touching Lovisa. "My real father's an asshole too. He abused my mother, Camilla and I until the day the cops found out and locked him up. My mother remarried and the guy is a total sweetheart, in my eyes he's the only dad I ever had." She explained. "Family only means what you want it to mean. To some people, family is blood relatives, to others it's friends. You just gotta find your own meaning in it all."
Lovisa sniffed again, too afraid she'd break down in tears if she answered.
The next day, the girls decided they had to visit Stark Tower. "Tony Stark rebuilt it after the whole Alien thing a couple years back." Yvonne explained. "I know we walked passed it a few times already but god I really wanna go in and see it all, the guy's a complete genius!"
Lovisa's stomach twisted as they walked down the street, the tall, imposing building staring at them. "I would give anything to get a look at one of his Iron Man suits I mean duuuuude they are masterpieces, the hours of work he must have put into them!" Yvonne continued.
"I'm surprised we haven't seen him fly buy yet, apparently a lot of people see him come and go in the sky!" Camilla continued, just as excited as her girlfriend.
"If you ask me, the guy seems a total douche." Dawn shrugged. "I mean he might be clever and all but geez he's such a playboy."
Lovisa said nothing as the four girls stepped inside the building. It was crowded, full of tourists taking pictures and various displays and information about the building's technology. The girls walked around for a while until the noise level went up in the corner of the room. They looked around, wondering what was going on, and saw a man who must have been in his forties, with short dark hair and a goatee, striding confidently through the crowd. "Ohmygod" Yvonne breathed, making it sound like it was just one word.
"That's... Tony Stark!" Camilla echoed.
Lovisa watched him as he headed straight towards them, his gaze locked onto hers. She felt the instinct to turn and run, to get as far away from him and the possible threat he posed as she could, but she was rooted to the spot. "Lovisa, right?" He smirked as he stopped before her, smirking at her. He was a lot shorter than she had expected.
"You know each other?" Yvonne gasped, her eyes almost shining as she stared at the man she adored.
"We have mutual friends." Tony nodded, quickly looking over the three girls. "One of them has a message for you actually, as they can't seem to reach you themselves."
Lovisa swallowed, watching Tony's every movement as he stepped back and extended his arm for her to go with him. Still, she didn't move, and it wasn't until she felt Camilla push her gently that she hesitantly put a foot forwards and walked passed Tony. She turned on her heels to look back at the girls who were smiling at her. "I'll catch you at the motel later?" She called, needing reassurance.
Yvonne and Camilla grinned in excitement whilst Dawn calmly nodded, giving her the courage she needed as she followed Tony Stark through the crowd into the private elevator. "Jarvis, take us up." He said aloud, and a mechanical voice responded him. "Nice hair." Tony said when he realised she wasn't going to say anything to him.
He watched her as she shrugged, inspecting the elevator. "Stars and Stripes told me what happened last month." He continued. "Care to explain what was going through your little head?"
Lovisa snapped her head to glare at him. "I don't need to explain anything to you. I don't know you." She said coldly.
Tony lifted his hands in the air. "Down girl!" He chuckled. "They said you were touchy but geez! You should talk to Banner, he's good at that zen stuff."
Lovisa furrowed her eyebrows slightly, not knowing who he was speaking of, but chose to ignore his comment. " So what's this message?" She asked coldly.
"It's not so much a message, more of a... gesture." He shrugged, a smirk tugging at his lips as the doors opened onto what was obviously his personal living quarters, a large open space with a kitchen to the right and a couple of sofas directly in front of them facing a large flat screen television.
Tony walked straight into the room but Lovisa barely dared to step out of the elevator, wondering what was going on. Had Steve asked Stark to tell her something? Were they in trouble? Or did Tony have an ulterior motive? She had pretty much guessed his security system had identified her face and alerted him of her presence, but why did he even want to ...
"Liz?" The name caught her attention and she looked up, recognising the voice immediately. "Oh girl, you really are here!" Before she knew it, she was being held again Sam's warm chest, his arms wrapped tightly around her. He pulled back and looked at her, his dark eyes scanning her. "Damn girl you look good with purple hair." He grinned, his white teeth shining against his dark skin.
She smiled awkwardly, feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt. She hadn't even said goodbye to him, the last time she saw him he was in bed covered in bandages. "Sam..." She muttered quietly. "I..." She frowned, shaking her head.
"Nah uh, no crying, no apologies." He winked, wrapping an arm around her shoulders as he lead her into Stark's apartment. "Steve and Buck ain't in at the moment, but they'll be so happy you're back."
"Sam..." She sighed, shrugging his arm off to look at him properly. "I didn't come back... I didn't plan this, I don't..."
Sam stared at her for a moment, trying to understand. "So what you gonna do? Run away again?" He asked, the seriousness of his voice surprising her.
She closed her eyes, feeling so guilty she could almost throw up. "I don't know what to do Sam." She mumbled quietly, avoiding his gaze. "I don't know who I am, I don't know where I belong, I don't know... anything."
Sam stared at her for a second longer before smiling. "You're my friend. Our friend. And you belong with us, making fun of my cooking and making us watch crap movies." He smiled.
Lovisa couldn't help the smile that tugged at her lips as she looked up at him. "I'm sorry." She whispered, wrapping her arms around his waist to hug him again. "I was stupid."
Sam chuckled as he hugged her back, his laughter reverberating through his chest as she pressed her head against him. "We're all stupid, lil angel." He reassured her, using the nickname he and Steve had given her, bringing tears to her eyes. She hadn't realised how much she had missed Sam.
Sam and Tony updated Lovisa on what had happened in the six weeks she had been away. Steve and Bucky had been taking down as many Hydra bases as they could, with Natasha and Clint going with them whenever they could. They had moved into Stark Tower after two weeks as it was more practical for storing weapons and information, especially as Tony had been in charge of the information since before even Liz had left. Stark, despite being sarcastic and witty and sometimes downright childish, felt the need to provide safety for the few people who actually saw past the playboy Iron Man and ensure they had everything they needed, even if he made out they were bothering him. Lovisa had been trained to read people, and Stark was easy to read - he cared, he cared very deeply, but he covered it all with humour, insults and nonchalance.
Sam avoided the subject of Bucky, noticing the way Lovisa flinched ever so slightly every time his name was mentioned, and he decided it was better if he just waited until the two met again, and let them sort things out themselves. She was eager to make sure he was safe, pointing out that she had seen Steve and Bucky on the news channels a few times and both Sam and Tony assured her the two super soldiers were indeed safe and that they would return to the tower late that night. What they didn't tell her was that they had teamed up with the remains of Shield, using their database and resources to get the jobs done. Tony especially was hesitant to tell her about Shield still existing, afraid that some Hydra brainwashing would kick in when she heard the news and she'd suddenly feel the urge to murder them all. Sam just thought it was best she heard the news from Steve and Bucky, but the two men made sure she was taking the news well.
Truth be told, she was having a hard time imagining Bucky fighting again. In their many nights together, Lovisa and Bucky had often talked about their lives, and he had told her that he just wanted the fighting to end and just live in peace. He had been fighting before Hydra, then he had been the Winter Soldier, and he just wanted to put weapons aside and be a human being, a civilian rather than a soldier. To think that he was willingly out there, fighting and killing more people... It didn't sit right with her. Yes Hydra were evil and certainly deserved what they got but she didn't really want Bucky to be the one out there. She knew Steve though, and knew he wouldn't stop until they were all dealt with. She respected his sense of justice and his righteousness, envied him even for having such a heart of gold.
Eventually Lovisa's phone rang and she excused herself from Tony and Sam to take the call. "Hello?" She answered.
"Hey, is everything alright?" Dawn's worried voice rang through the phone.
"Yeah... Yeah I just got tied up with a few things, don't worry." Lovisa answered, trying to be as honest as she could without letting her know the truth. Why exactly she felt the need to hide the truth was beyond her, but for some reason she couldn't tell the girls about her involvement with Shield, Hydra, Captain America and the Winter Soldier. She just couldn't.
"Well, do you need anything? If you need to get out, I'll come get you, I mean -" Dawn began, her calm voice greatly helping Lovisa find the inner strength she needed.
"Thanks, but I'm okay. I'll be late tonight, I have no idea what time I'll be back. Stark has uh... Well he's called an old friend and... I think it's about time I faced it all." Lovisa muttered into the phone, playing with her nails as she leant back against the wall.
There was a short silence on the other end and then she heard Dawn sigh. "Well as long as you're sure about this." She said. "And remember, if you need us, just call no matter what time."
"Thank you." Lovisa smiled, even though Dawn couldn't see it.
"I mean it Lou, you're our friend and -" there was a pause and some muffled noises then suddenly Yvonne's excited voice rang through the phone line. "Lou? You're still with Stark?"
Lovisa chuckled. "Yeah, I am." She laughed even harder when Yvonne squealed. "I'll tell you all about it tomorrow, I promise."
"Dude, could you get me an autograph or something? I mean I know he's kinda your friend or whatever so it would be a bit creepy but I dunno... Get a selfie or something?" Yvonne begged, sounding like a five year old at Christmas.
Yvonne continued laughing as she answered. "I'll try."
"Great! Well, see you whenever then! Oh, Camilla sais hi." Yvonne's voice was like a ray of sunshine sometimes. "Okay, bye byes!"
"Bye!" Lovisa smiled and shook her head as she put her phone back in her pocket, looking up to see Sam smiling at her from the end of the corridor. "What?" She asked.
"Nothin'." He shrugged, his eyes shining with mischief. "Come on, Pepper's back and she bought Chinese." He grinned, cocking his head to invite her.
"Who's Pepper?" She asked him quietly as they walked into the kitchen to find Tony speaking to a short ginger woman pulling take away food out of a plastic bag.
"Tony's girlfriend, CEO of Stark Industries." Sam explained.
Despite Lovisa's reservations, Pepper turned out to be a very kind and welcoming, and the fact that she was so organised helped keep Lovisa calm as she liked organised people because it helped her keep her nerves under control. Pepper not only put the ex-assassin at ease, but also kept Tony Stark in line, which was a very much appreciated bonus. Pepper didn't even ask any awkward questions, in fact she seemed to know much more than she let on so Lovisa guessed that the men had informed the ginger woman all about her and oddly enough, it didn't bother her. In fact it was a good thing, at least Lovisa wouldn't have to do any explaining and they could get a good start on their friendship.
Wait, friendship?
Lovisa excused herself to the bathroom during dinner and stared in the mirror. How could she be thinking of friendship with a woman she barely even met? She didn't need friends, she just needed contacts and... No. That was what Hydra wanted. Lovisa shook her head and leant on the sink, her shoulders hunched as she hung her head down and sighed.
The whole time she had been travelling around the states, she had felt free, relaxed and... Happy? Yes she had been happy, at least to some extent. She had missed Steve, Sam and Bucky dearly, but she had definitely felt herself become happier the longer she was away. She got her paranoia under control, no longer shot death glares at anyone who even glanced her way, and managed to hold polite exchanges with shopkeepers. Looking up into the mirror, she realised the dark circles under her eyes had mostly disappeared, and faint makeup she had taken to wearing everyday changed her face, especially as she was now tanned and still sported her purple hair even though it was faded. She was far from the person who had once befriended Captain America.
She stepped out of the bathroom, having pulled herself together, and was about to tell Sam that she was going to head back to her motel as she didn't feel ready to see Steve and Bucky so soon, when she bumped into a rather large body when she rounded the corner.
"Sorry, I wasn't loo..." She started, looking up as her gaze fell onto bright blue eyes. "Bucky..." She breathed, taking a small step back as she looked at him. He was still as tall and imposing as she remembered, but he barely looked like the man she had known. The most shocking thing was that he was wearing a loose fitting tank top, his metal arm completely on show. Her eyes skipped up to his face to find he still hadn't learn to shave properly, his cheeks covered in the stubble she used to love caressing, but his eyes didn't look as tired anymore, didn't look so full of horror and regret. They shone as he stared at her, his lips slightly parted as he attempted to process the fact that she was standing before him once more. Even his hair had changed. When she had left, it had been slightly longer on top than it had been on the sides, but now he had what people seemed to call an undercut - the top part of his hair was a good few inches long, swept to the side and hanging down his forehead, and the sides were cut very short. It was odd, but it suited him ridiculously well.
"Lovisa." He said eventually, his deep voice sending vibrations through her body.
The two stared at each other for a while, neither of them knowing what to say yet a million different emotions changing their expressions. Bucky eventually closed his mouth, his brows furrowing ever so slightly as his gaze left hers and skimmed over her body. Lovisa looked down, chewing on her bottom lip, feeling her confidence crumble under his gaze. He looked so good now, he looked healthier and happier and he had obviously gotten more confidence and self assurance. All that without her by his side. Did he even need her? Maybe she had done the right thing after all by leaving. She had desperately wanted to be wrong, but maybe she had been right all along. He was better without her.
"Forty-three." He mumbled quietly, catching her gaze once more.
His eyes were indiscernible. Was he happy? Angry? Did he care at all? "Forty-three?" She repeated, shaking her head slightly in confusion.
Bucky parted his lips, looking down as if he regretted speaking, when the two were interrupted. "Hey Buck, if you hurry up we can - Lovisa?" Steve Rogers stood beside Bucky, an arm on his friend's shoulder as he stared over at Lovisa. "Good god, it's great to see you!" He grinned, flinging his arms around the girl who happily responded, biting her bottom lip to keep her emotions in check as she felt Steve squeeze her against his chest. "We missed you so much! Didn't we Buck?" He grinned as he pulled back, still holding her by the shoulders as she smiled softly at him.
"Uh, sure." Bucky mumbled, not daring to look at her.
Lovisa's smiled faded as she watched Bucky shift his weight from one foot to another, nervously holding his metal arm. "I guess I owe you an apology." She said quietly, looking back up to Steve. "I was an ass. A selfish, stupid asshole and I -"
"You don't need to apologise to me." Steve shook his head, voice full of honesty.
"Yes, I do." She nodded, adamant. "I was too blind to realise that you were there for me, too selfish to be there for you. I let you down, I let myself down, I just... I'm so, so sorry." She said, her voice trembling as she kept her gaze locked with Steve's.
Bucky abruptly walked away, heading down the corridor without a word, leaving her to close her eyes and sigh. "He's alright." Steve's soft voice came, his hand on her shoulder once more. "Like I said, you don't owe me an apology, I understand. You look like it did you good anyway, so all the more reason to not apologise." He smiled softly.
Lovisa returned the smile sadly, brushing away the tear that escaped. "I missed you Steve." She said, going in for another hug as he chuckled quietly.
"I missed you too, Liz." He smiled. "Not so sure about the hair though." He added, making her laugh through the tears.
Thanks to Sam and Steve being so ridiculously kind and accepting, Lovisa quickly felt perfectly at ease as she sat at the dinner table once more, smiling as Tony constantly tried to tease Steve for just about any reason imaginable. Bucky was still locked away who knew where, which really bothered her, but Sam reassured her he always did that after he and Steve went on a mission. She felt a bit better after that, but she still felt terrible. Even as the sun set and Steve excused himself to get some rest, giving her another hug before she left, she felt the need to apologise yet again.
"Hey Katy Perry, you look kinda lost." Stark's voice interrupted Lovisa as she sat alone at the kitchen table, Sam having gone to the bathroom and Pepper having gotten a phone call.
"Who's Katy Perry?" She frowned, looking over at Stark as he fiddled with his ipad.
"A singer. She had blonde hair then went purple." He shrugged. "You should go talk to Metallica."
She stared at him for a second. "You mean Bucky?" She scoffed when he nodded, tapping away at his ipad still. "He probably wants left alone... He didn't seem all too happy earlier." She sighed. "I should be getting back to my motel anyway." She added, standing up and walking over to the sofa to get her jacket.
"He was counting the days that you were away." Tony's voice called after her. "He's got a calendar on his wall for it and everything."
Lovisa froze, looking up at him to find him smirking. Bucky had been counting the days since they... Wait. He had said forty-three. Was that... Understanding hit her in the face and she felt tears prick at her eyes once more. "Elevator at the end of the corridor, 91st floor." Tony said simply as he walked off to the elevator, leaving her standing by herself with her jacket in her arms. She looked from the elevator that would take her away, back to her motel, back to Yvonne, Dawn and Camilla. She then looked down the empty corridor, staring at the smaller, private elevator that would take her back to Bucky.
She closed her eyes as she weighed up her options, then cursed aloud, shaking her head. She set off to her chosen destination, pushing herself forward before she regretted it.