A/N :
Littlerosebud: I want to excuse ourselves for the delay in posting this chapter. We are really, really sorry!! I know it's no excuses, but many things happened that prevented Saenda to translate this chapter in time. To resume what happened to her, she went on vacation for a couple of days, then she lost her computer and had to translate again from the beginning, she caught the flu and finally, college had started again… And all that in only three weeks.
I only hope this chapter will be good enough to make up for the long wait! And a big thanks to Saenda for having translated the chapter despite all that happened. :)
Chapter 10 ( Yuan's P.O.V )
An atrocious migraine slowly stirred me from my comatose sleeping. I opened tired eyes to the white stained ceiling that was foreign to me. I frowned, disorientated. I tried to get up as to get a better look of the place where I was, but a feint pain in my arm forced me to stay lied down. I had the time to see that I was in a hospital room. Someone must have brought me here. This observation brought back memories of what had happened to my mind. Rodyle was dead. By Kratos' hand. I felt miserable at this thought. I had believed in him. I was certain that Kratos killed only because he was obliged to! But I was forced to see that I had been wrong. He had been pleased by it. He had rejoiced of Rodyle's suffering, of his yelling of pain and plea! He had killed him with cold-blood I didn't think he could have. I had never felt so betrayed before.
My last vague memory before losing consciousness was that I had called him a monster. I felt guilt making its way in me, even though Kratos had earned this name in a way. I should not have told him such a thing when he had just saved me from a terrible fate, but I was panicked and my emotions were just a bundle of nerves. Thinking only about the expression his face must have bore at that moment raised my remorse. I had to apologize for that, but I was unable to forgive him for what he had done. By betraying my trust, Kratos had hurt me deeply. I didn't even know how I would react when I would see him again.
The sound of a door opening tore me from my thoughts. I turned my head and saw a young nurse entering the room. She threw me a reassuring smile that I answered with a frown. I had not the force, nor the taste to smile.
"You're finally awake! How do you feel?" She asked me with a strident voice.
"Except for a terrible headache, good." I answered in a hoarse voice.
The young woman opened the curtains covering the window and I was blinded for a moment by the exterior light.
"I see. We can administrate you painkillers if need be. It's a normal symptom after a skull fracture. In a week, you should not feel any pain at all." She tried to reassure me.
I nodded weakly and my gaze went to the window where the sun light filtered.
"How much time have I been here?" I inquired, worried to know what day we were. The nurse approached my bed and proceeded in untying the bandages wrapping my right arm, wounded by bullet.
"Not too long. A man brought you here last night. We're Monday afternoon."
She disinfected the healing wound before applying another bandage. I was relieved to learn that there was not much time had passed since my arrival at the hospital. My last intention was receiving embarrassing questions on Yggdrasil's behalf, like what had happened to me and why I had not given any signs of life for a long while. I did not believe he was the kind of man that appreciated that we made him wait.
The young woman made me sit slowly, raising the pillows behind my back. I let her untie the bandages around my head to verify the state of my wound.
"Perfect. Your wounds are healing nicely, you should be out of the hospital by tomorrow afternoon."
I was glad to hear it. Hospital was by far one of my least favorite places. The less time I would be here, the better I would feel. She placed another bandage around my wound and threw me an inquisitive look.
"You've got a visitor. Do you want me to make him come in?" She asked, seeming worried. I became strained immediately. A visitor... who could it be?! I was scared that it was Kratos. I was in no mood to see him and I didn't know at all how I would react at him. Even so, curiosity took over. After a moment of thought, I nodded affirmatively. The nurse smiled again and left the room. I fixed the door, waiting for it to open once more. When it did, it wasn't Kratos whom entered, but rather Bryant. A Bryant that did not seem in a good mood at all. I observed him, troubled, when he pulled a chair near my bed to sit down. Many questions fell over each other in my head. How did he know I was in the hospital!? Did he know about Rodyle? Had he received m report? My superior threw me a worried and furious look at the same time. I kept quiet, staring at him with a weary look.
"I'm waiting for explanations." He simply demanded in a menacing voice.
It was easy for me to know what he made allusion to, but I didn't react. Bryant growled in irritation from my lack of reaction. He leaned towards me.
"I read your report this morning. I immediately sent men to take care of Rodyle, only to hear that he was found dead in his room!! And when I tried contacting you on your cell, I learn that you were at the hospital, with your skull cracked!!" He tried to control the volume of his voice, without any success. I was surprised that the nurse didn't come to verify what was going on.
I remained stony-faced before Bryant's fit of anger, even though panic was consuming me. If he learned that Kratos had been the one to kill Rodyle, it was all over. He would be thrown behind bars. Even though he would have earned it, I could not resolve to such an eventuality. Bryant sighed in impatience and joined hands.
"I want to know what happened to Rodyle. I'm right in thinking that you were involved in this, no?"
I closed my eyes, trying to block away the pictures from last night that invaded my mind. I knew my superior would not give up until I gave him what he wanted, so I took a deep breath before speaking.
"Rodyle's henchmen attacked me yesterday in a back-alley. They succeeded in knocking me out and brought me to Rodyle's place. He... he wanted… Well, that's not important. I wanted to defend myself and I… I killed him by accident…" I spoke on a weak and trembling voice.
It was the first time I was lying to him. I couldn't believe what I was doing. A part of me still tried to protect Kratos, this part that became attached to him unconditionally, without me noticing.
Bryant stared at me for a long time and I couldn't resolve in looking at him anymore.
"You lie very badly, Yuan." He noticed with conviction.
I nibbled my lip nervously. I did not think he would see that clearly through my lie.
"Who are you trying to protect? Kratos? He's the one who brought you here, no? The doctor told me that a man had brought you here while you were unconscious." He revealed in a steady and cold voice.
Why did Bryant have to guess everything right all the time? I plunged my determined eyes in his.
"I'm protecting no one! Kratos arrived after Rodyle was dead. He's done nothing." I contented myself with lying. Bryant became irritated and stood abruptly. I saw him approaching the window and looking through the glass. He stayed silent for a long while. When he spoke once more, his question disconcerted me.
"What is he for you?"
He turned around to look at me and I merely gaped, unable to answer. What did Kratos... represent to me? I... I hadn't got the slightest idea. I had never dwelled on it. He was a friend, a confidant... Nothing more, right? Bryant's eyes bore into me with an alarming intensity.
"He must be really important to you if you're ready to lie to me this way." He spat angrily.
I felt the need to protest once more.
"No, I..."
"You're ready to put your career at stake for him!! Did you even thought about that!?" His powerful voice exploded in the room, startling me and I looked at him, horrified. Was that really what I was doing? Throwing away my job for him? But of course. I was protecting a criminal and what's more, I was lying bluntly to my superior. Two attitudes that could not be tolerated inside the police. I could certainly not sink any lower. And even in this situation, I still didn't want to denounce Kratos. I was such an idiot.
I buried my face into my arms to hide the bitter tears. At this very moment, the nurse timidly opened the door and threw a careful look at Bryant.
"Erh... I'm very sorry, but for the well-being of our patient, it would be best if you leave..."
Bryant's anger died down slowly. He walked to the door before turning towards me.
"We'll talk about it when you'll have recovered." He harshly told.
I didn't deign look at him. Without another word, he left hurtling off the room under the nurse's frightened look. I could only sob in silence as his speech made me realise what I was doing.
They let me leave the hospital the next day. I took a taxi to go back at my place. When I entered the apartment, I obviously found it empty of any life. Kratos was nowhere to be found and frankly, I wasn't expecting him to come back. Not after what I had told him... This thought squeezed my heart painfully. I collapsed tiredly on my bed, knowing very well I would not have the time to rest. I had to go see Yggdrasil to ask about my next mission, if there was another. I didn't know if the information I had sent to him were enough... I hoped, considering what I had to endure to get them. My migraine worsened and I had to stand up to take the painkillers I had been prescribed, knowing very well the side effects it would lead to... I might have to go through a good half-hour at emptying everything that my stomach contained, even though my last meal went back far. I didn't have any appetite and the only thought of food gave me nausea at the moment.
I changed myself and observed my reflection in the mirror. On my neck, numerous dark marks were visible, left there by Rodyle two days ago. I couldn't bear to let them in sight, so I slipped into a high collar shirt to hide them. The fewer things likely to make me remember this despicable being, the better it would be. I fixed myself up the best I could, but I could not do anything for my sickly look, nor for my swollen lip. Sighing tiredly, I prepared myself to get to Yggdrasil's headquarters.
I walked along the hallways leading to Yggdrasil's office. I wasn't in the mood to run into Kratos now. I wasn't ready to face him, not after what he had done. I turned around the hallway's corner leading to my destination when I came face to face with no other than Kratos, to my misfortune. At the sight of his face, my emotions swirled violently inside me and I could do nothing except looking at him with loath. I knew I would hurt him this way, but I still held a grudge against him. But if I hurt him, it didn't show. His face remained stony-faced.
"Yggdrasil has another mission for you." He told me on a neutral voice.
Ah. So that was all he had to say to me. My fury only grew. If he didn't want to apologize for his actions, then fine. He would not get any sympathy on my behalf.
"I'm listening." I replied coldly.
I was putting a cold distance between us, one that had never existed. Again, no emotions betrayed his calm facade. I got the irresistible urge to tear apart that revolting mask, to crush it into dust so that he would never be able to hide a single emotion ever again.
"You have to meet this Forcystus you mentioned to Yggdrasil and investigate on his business, bring the more useful and pertinent information. And Yggdrasil expects to be as satisfied as before, if not more. You have one week."
I had my answer, then. Yggdrasil was satisfied of the information I brought him back. Perfect. I was at least certain I could continue the investigation within Yggdrasil's family. The only bothering point was that I would go nowhere without asking Kratos the drugs dealer's list having business with Yggdrasil. I was however in no mood to speak to him even more, nor to see his face another second. It would have to wait.
"I see. I will then get on the task right away." I simply replied.
I turned around and moved away quickly, without throwing him another look. I could not bear his presence any longer.
Back at my apartment, I threw myself on the bed. Seeing Kratos now had moved me deeply... Despite the hatred I'd shown, I didn't hate him... I just had not known how to react in front of him and it was the first reaction that came to mind. I didn't want him to see how deeply he had hurt me, how deeply I was broken. I should hate him for having betrayed me, but I wasn't able to... Why!? Bryant's speech came back brutally to my mind. "What is he for you? He must be really important to you if you're ready to lie to me this way." A bitter smile painted my lips. Yes. Without me noticing, Kratos had become even more important than my work. I was ready to sacrifice anything to have him near me. I was ready to sacrifice seven years of work to a man I barely knew, ready to sacrifice my future for him... I felt even more miserable as I realised that it didn't matter what he did to me, I could never hate Kratos. I was that stupid. His presence had become essential just like the air I breathed.
My phone rang and I did not deign answer. When the answering machine picked up, Botta's voice rang out in the silence of my room.
"Yuan!? It's Botta! I learned today that Rodyle's dead… I don't know what happened, but I'm worried about you. I haven't heard from you since Friday and you don't answer my calls... Please, call me back when you can..." His message was hasty and his voice anxious.
The fact that Botta was worrying this much for me touched me deeply. I wanted to reassure him the sooner I could, but that included telling him what had happened with Rodyle and Kratos but I wasn't in the mood for it. And I was too exhausted for now.
Reaching my alarm clock, I set it for nine this evening, so that I could get to the club Saza-E. It didn't take me long to fall into a lethargic sleep.
I ran breathlessly in the dark and winding hallways, attempting to flee the fate that I knew inevitable. I could hear snickers behind me and I forced myself to go faster. I turned around a corner and found myself face to face with a wall. I couldn't flee anymore. It was over. I turned around swiftly but didn't have time to react as someone pushed me violently on the wall behind me. It winded me. I raised terrified eyes on Rodyle's victorious face.
"There's nowhere else to run, my little exotic bird..." He sang in a honeyed voice.
I yelled at my body to run, but I could as well have been made of marble. Rodyle pinned my arms against the wall with a steel grasp and he approached to murmur in my ear.
"You can only blame yourself, Sano... to possess such an attractive body, a face so beautiful and delicate... Let me see that perfect face torn by pain, pleading me to stop."
Rodyle smirked carnivorously and before my horrified eyes, got a long knife out of his pocket, approaching it dangerously from my face.
"No... Let me go..."
I begged him with a trembling voice while the blade brushed slowly against my skin, tormenting me, promising a horrible pain.
Bang.
Rodyle stopped dead in his gesture, a trickle of blood flowing down his half-opened mouth. Lowering my gaze, I saw a bullet stuck in his chest, where the vermeil liquid escaped. Rodyle collapsed on the ground with a start. I then saw Kratos standing behind him, the gun raised where smoke still escaped. I could not distinguish his face, as if a dark veil was covering it. He let the weapon fall and hid his face in his hands. My body trembling all over, I approached slowly towards him.
"Kratos?" I called out softly.
He didn't react, didn't move. When he was at my fingertips, I gently took his hands in mine and lowered them to see his face. I hiccupped in terror and backed away sharply as he raised his head towards me. Instead of his eyes stood two gaping black holes where trickles of blood escaped. Kratos staggered towards me, lifting a blood stained hand in my direction.
"Yuan? Where are you!? I can't see you anymore!!" He demanded with an alarmed and trembling voice.
I backed away even more, my hiccup transforming into terrified sobs. His face!! What had happened to him!? He fell on his knees and stuck his nails into the skin of his face, leaving streaks of blood.
"He's not here anymore... I killed him, with those stained hands..." He muttered with a broken voice, torn with pain.
My back hit the wall and I let myself slide on the ground, my trembling fingers grapping my hair harshly, my horrified gaze still riveted on Kratos.
"No, no, it's a nightmare, please..." I sobbed, my vision blurring because of the tears flowing down my cheeks...
I leaped in my bed, my body trembling all over, my face stained by tears. It took me a long while to realise that it had been nothing more than a nightmare. The vision of Kratos refused to leave me and I buried my face in my hands. A long time went by before I finally calmed down and the tears stopped flowing, but his bloody face haunted me relentlessly. I tried to understand my dream's signification, if there was only one. In vain. I was overwrought and I was unable to think. I looked at my alarm clock and saw that it was almost nine. I sighed and stood with difficulty. Surely, a nice shower would change my mind.
An hour later, I stood in front of the Saza-E club in Kita-ku, where Forcystus was supposed to be. I wasn't even out of my car that the club's music filled my eardrums. I could see a crowd of people hurrying to get inside, seeming excited and happy. I was far from sharing their heresy. I wasn't here to have fun, but rather carrying out my new mission. This time, I didn't have the intention of facing Forcystus directly, at least not until I learned a bit more about him. I entered inside the club, letting my gaze wander around. At first sight, this club wasn't any different from others. There was a bar and dance floor, already crowded by a good number of youngsters who danced at the rhythm of the music. I doubted Forcystus was among them. There must be private lounges where he made business with his clients. I blended with the crowd, looking for such places. I thought I had found when I saw the entrance of a room covered by a silky curtain and guarded by a serious looking man in a distant corner of the club. I knew I could not enter it easily so I had brought the necessary equipment. The only thing left was to wait for a guinea pig...
I only had to wait about ten minutes or so. I saw a man in his thirties coming forward nonchalantly towards the private lounge. Without losing time, I emerged from my observation point and went towards him. With a shoulder movement, I shoved him lightly in a way that seemed accidental.
"Oh, I'm very sorry. I didn't see you there." I apologized profusely, placing my hand near his shoulder to get my balance back, taking advantage of this moment to hook a miniature microphone on the collar of his jacket without him noticing. The man raised an eyebrow.
"No, it's quite all right." He answered with a smile.
I returned it before excusing myself once more and moving away towards the bar. And it was done. I ordered something to drink at the bar and activated the tape recorder in my pocket connected with an earphone. This way, I would hear everything in this room without me being there.
At first it merely was a cacophony of sounds, but soon, the surrounding music muffled little by little and I could distinguish voices becoming louder.
"...you are! We were wondering if you would come today." A cheerful voice called out to someone that I guessed was the man I had shoved.
"You were the only one to be wondering, Oda. Don't include me in this." A gruff voice answered abruptly.
"Fine, asshole. It doesn't matter. How are you, Shunsui? It's been a while we've seen you here." The man named Oda spoke once more.
My drink arrived and I sipped it absent-mindedly.
"You didn't know? Forcystus ordered me to go to Seoul to take care of a new weapon order. I thought he would be here today, but it doesn't seem like it." My eyes lit up as I heard the name Forcystus. Even if he wasn't there in person, I knew I had succeeded in putting my hands on one of his men. Surely this conversation would reveal interesting.
"In that case, you mustn't know! Rodyle died two days ago!!" Oda's excited voice reached me.
"What!? You're kidding!"
"No. You think I would joke with that?"
"It's not the police, I hope?"
"What, those incompetents!? Don't make me laugh! No, you know Kratos Aurion?" I frowned as I heard his name. He seemed to be too known to my taste.
"He's... Yggdrasil's lieutenant? He's the one who got rid of Rodyle!?"
"So it seems. This means only one thing; Yggdrasil knows about the link between Forcystus and Rodyle. I wouldn't be surprised if he traces us all the way here."
It really was worrisome that those men knew this much about what had happened. This meant one thing; there were leaks of information at Rodyle's place. I wouldn't be surprised if Forcystus had put Rodyle under surveillance. No one seemed to trust him, and with reasons.
"And personally, I would rather not have any contacts with him..."
"That will depend of Forcystus... I doubt he would miss such an opportunity, he could make enormous profits..."
"Enough talking you two, get to work!"
"Ok, no need to get so worked up... I have here the weapon's list Mayuri ordered. Do we have everything?"
"Let's see... The SIG-550 are there... as well as the Benelli M4 and the G3 rifle... Is there something missing?"
"Hmm, no everything's there. What are the other orders?"
At this moment, I stopped listening carefully. They only were reeling off names of known weapons... But there was the problem... They weren't revolutionary weapons, but weapons easily bought on the black market and used by the military. I kept on recording the conversation until the end anyway. I could listen to it later. They talked this way for a good half-hour before separating. Finally. One of my too frequent migraines since my leave at the hospital was starting to form because of the too loud music. I closed my tape recorder and paid my drink before exiting the club.
Back at my place, I tried to sleep once more, but sleep refused to come. The memories of my nightmare came back and I was terrified at the idea of living it again. To get my mind somewhere else, I spent the night listening to the recording and I searched for all the weapons' names, in hope that there would be some unknown to this day, but without any success. Something was missing, but what?
The next day, I received a call from Bryant. He was asking me to meet him at his office. I knew what he wanted to speak about and it was reluctantly that I joined him at the police station. I was nervous, afraid of what he would announce to me. He had the perfect rights to fire me... When I entered his office, I was surprised to see he was not angry anymore. He gestured me to sit down and I didn't argue.
"You seem to be feeling better." Bryant noticed with a calm voice.
"Yes, I guess so." I answered carefully.
He leaned towards me and stared at me.
"I want to apologize for losing my temper against you at the hospital."
I was surprised to hear him apologize. I lowered my gaze.
"You shouldn't, I fully deserved it..." I said in a low voice.
"Yuan, you know I care for you more than a superior should, and your success is very important to me. So seeing you sacrifice your job this way saddens me..." He told me gravely.
I could not resolve in meeting his eyes as I felt too ashamed. I did not deserve this kind of concern towards me. Bryant smiled sadly.
"The problem is that you're involving yourself too much in this. I know it's a habit you've taken, but at this point... I don't know what to think anymore."
Everything he was saying was true. I involved myself too emotionally, but never before would I have protected a criminal this way. What I had done was unforgivable. But I couldn't give up this investigation, even with the obvious decision Bryant would take.
"I know you have the rights to fire me and if that is your decision, I will not raise any objections. But if you do, I will still help Kratos, with or without the police's help." I was able to say with conviction.
Bryant sighed and his smile fell.
"I knew you would say that."
He fell silent for a short instant before looking at me once more with serious eyes.
"Listen, I gave your version concerning Rodyle's death."
I looked at him with wide eyes. Bryant had written in the report that I had accidently killed Rodyle!? He had lied, but... why?
"Because I'm persuaded that your investigation is worth it, I lied this time. But don't think I will do it again. If Kratos kills someone again and you protect him once more, this time you will definitely be fired. Am I clear?"
I felt tears threatening to fall. I did not deserve such treatment... Bryant was giving me a second chance. It was up to me to not miss it. I bowed respectfully before him.
"Thank you... This time, I swear I will not disappoint you anymore…" I promised him in a trembling voice.
He couldn't know how much I was grateful.
"I hope so..." He murmured sadly.
The conversation I had with Bryant had relieved me and it was a bit easier for me to concentrate on Forcystus' case, even though it didn't give much more results. I returned to Saza-E club every night, hoping to hear a conversation where Forcystus would be present. But he was absent all weak, depriving my possibility to meet him and the conversations I recorded didn't tell me much more than the first; only selling lists concerning known weapons. It discouraged me. At this rhythm, I would have nothing interesting to report to Yggdrasil.
A weak had passed since the last time I had seen Kratos. I had to admit that I was avoiding the headquarters most of the time. I still held a grudge against him and I didn't know what I could say if I came face to face with him. However, I missed his presence terribly. I had never felt so alone, and sleep didn't manage in filling this emptiness. When I didn't spend a sleepless night, I was assaulted by nightmares as horrible as the first. In each one, Kratos was agonising, unable to find or touch me and I could do nothing about it. Some seemed so real that I had to stop myself from running to him to verify if he was safe and sound. It was a real torture.
But I knew I couldn't avoid Kratos forever. I would have to hand over my report on Forcystus tomorrow at the latest. It was almost ten in the evening and I was playing back the information concerning Forcystus' arms dealing when someone knocked on my door. I stopped dead and stared at the door, wondering who it could be at this hour. I stood up and walked carefully to the door. The person knocked once more softly. I half-opened the door only to see a young girl around sixteen years old with pink hair brought back into two bunches looking at me indifferently. I frowned. I didn't recognize her... I opened the door completely.
« Yes? What can I do for you?" I asked politely, staring at her.
The girl bowed respectfully before me.
"Sano Nagano, it's nice to meet you." She told me on a voice without intonation.
I was troubled when she pronounced my name. How did she know? I became immediately suspicious.
"...Do we know each other?" I asked carefully after a moment of silence.
The young girl's face betrayed no emotion as she answered me.
"Somewhat. I wanted to speak to you about Kratos."
Hearing this name, I froze. The conflicting emotions that livened up inside me this last week surfaced once more and contented myself in avoiding the subject.
"If you're here only for that, then I would ask you to leave." I told her coldly, pretending to close the door.
A fragile hand grabbed the edge of the door and my eyes settled on her inexpressive face. In a way, she reminded me of Kratos and it was not a good time for that.
"Wait. Listen to what I have to say, at least..." She begged me, not removing her hand.
I thought about it for a moment. If this stranger took the care of coming to see me at this hour to talk to me about Kratos, it must be important... I finally capitulated.
"...Well, all right. Come in." I nodded and freed the way.
When she was inside, I closed the door behind me and showed her the way to my kitchen. She sat on a chair and I joined her. I detailed her curiously. I was certain I'd never seen her before.
"Could I ask who you are?" I asked, since she seemed to know me, under my borrowed name moreover.
"I work for Yggdrasil. We didn't have the chance to meet until now, but I'm a friend of Kratos. My name is Presea Combatir. We could say I'm in… a similar situation than his."
She didn't have to tell me more so I could understand. She must want to escape Yggdrasil's hold as well. Kratos must have told her who I really was, if she judged safe to reveal me her intentions.
"I see... And what did you want to talk about Kratos?" I asked seriously, not in the mood for a conversation that would stretch forever.
Presea's face seemed to darken, even though it could be an effect of my imagination.
"... He... is depressed a lot since last week. Since the incident with Rodyle." She whispered gloomily without leaving my gaze.
I could only look at her with surprise. How did she know about what had happened at Rodyle's place!? Kratos had told her everything?
"How do you know –" I started, but she cut me.
"I was following you at the moment. Kratos had asked me to do so, as a precaution. He was afraid for you." She confessed, her blue pupils boring into mine, watching my reaction.
It didn't make itself wait. I felt a wave of anger and outrage take hold of me. My eyes threw lightning. I could not believe he had ordered someone to follow me while he was gone!
"Would it kill him to believe in me a little!" I growled in fury.
Presea shook her head, not at all bothered by my change of attitude.
"He does believe in you, but he knew Rodyle well, better than you did at least. He knew there were high possibilities that he trapped you." She explained neutrally.
This time, I didn't know what to say. One of my interrogations had found an answer. I had wondered how Kratos had found me at that time. Now, I knew. Presea had informed him that I had been captured by Rodyle and he had rushed to my rescue... Without this precaution, Rodyle would have done everything he wanted on me... Knowing this, my anger vanished partly. Could I really blame him considering he had saved my life? Seeing that I wasn't answering, Presea spoke once more.
"Anyway, since that incident, he's nothing more than his shadow. I barely see him and he spends most of his time either in his room, either absorbed by work. I'm worried. I've never seen him in this state before."
My guilt came back in full force. Kratos had been no better than I for the past week, and I was certain I was the cause. After all, I had called him a monster, had rejected him when he had saved me...
"It's... because of me, right?" I was able to say, anxious of the answer.
Presea stared at me with her cold eyes.
"I think so. Being rejected by you hurt him deeply."
To hear it directly was like a slap in the face. I never had wanted to hurt him, but I had done it anyhow. I bit my lip anxiously and took my head into my hands.
"How should I have reacted!? He had claimed to me he hated killing and he murdered Rodyle before my eyes, without a glimpse of remorse!! He lied to me, when I've made so many efforts to help him!!" I got worked up; trying to defend the fact I had acted as a bastard towards him.
Presea's eyes seemed to soften.
"He regrets it. I saw the expression on his face, Sano. He didn't think about it. He was so panicked at the idea that Rodyle could hurt you that he reacted on instinct." She murmured in a gentle voice.
"But that doesn't explain his actions, I..." I wanted to cling to my ideals, to what prevented me from forgiving him. If I didn't, I would risk being devoured by guilt. Presea leaned towards me to obtain all my attention.
"Believe me, I've known Kratos for a long time. He's ready to dirty his hands to protect people that are dear to him, even if it kills him little by little..."
I froze at her words. I was... dear to him? Enough for him to be ready to sacrifice himself in order to protect me... And I had done nothing but reject him. I thought of the way I would feel if Kratos would have rejected me in the same way… I suddenly felt very disgusted towards myself.
"What should I do..." I murmured miserably.
Presea sighed before taking the liberty of smiling lightly.
"Do not condemn him. He didn't think badly, he merely wanted to save you. It was all I had to say. Think about it."
Presea stood up and bid me farewell before silently leaving my apartment. I didn't even have the decency to reply. I was too confused to do anything. But through my confused emotions, I could distinguish one clear thing; my entire being screamed that I go see him and forgive his actions. Without waiting, without worrying about the late hour, I rushed outside my apartment. I had to see him. Now.
I was frozen, standing before the closed door of Kratos' room, fist raised, ready to knock. I still hesitated. And if he didn't want to see me anymore? He had the rights, after the way I had treated him... I had to admit, I was terrified at the idea he would reject me. This made me a hypocrite, since I had rejected him no sooner than a week before. I calmed myself and, gathering my courage, I knocked lightly against the door's wood, but strong enough for Kratos to hear me. However, no answer came. Maybe he was sleeping... I decided to take a chance and opened the door slowly.
Kratos wasn't sleeping. He was sitting on his bed, looking at me in confusion. I saw him throw a glance at the clock that decorated his room. He sighed before looking at me once more.
"Don't you think you could have waited tomorrow at my office to give me your report?" He declared on a tired voice.
The tone of his voice alarmed me. I had never seen him in this state, looking so tired. Guilt was once more overwhelming. I shook my head.
"I'm not here for my report. I want to talk to you." I said with seriousness that seemed to disconcert him. He frowned.
"Alright." He simply told after a moment of silence, gesturing me to enter.
I came in the room and gently closed the door behind me. Without waiting for his consent, I sat next to him on the bed. My heart was beating at full speed. I was nervous, the fear of being rejected knotting my stomach. Kratos kept quiet, staring at me, and I knew he was waiting for me to speak. I couldn't resolve in looking at him in the face.
"...Presea came to see me earlier." I let out in almost a whisper.
In a glance, I saw Kratos' confused expression, expression that suddenly changed for carefulness. He seemed to fear what she had told me.
"...Oh." He simply said and I almost wanted to smile, if it wasn't for the fact that I was terrified at the moment.
"She... made me realise certain things." I said with hesitation.
Kratos opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him, lifting my face to plunge my eyes in his.
"Kratos... I'm sorry." I said in a rush with a pleading voice, not letting go of his eyes. I wanted him to see that I couldn't be any more sincere.
He seemed surprise to hear me apologize. Soon, he frowned and his expression became bitter.
"You don't need to apologize, I'm the one who..." He started with a tone full of regrets. I hushed him quickly, placing a finger on his lips.
"Let me speak, please." I whispered, removing my finger and Kratos nodded. I took a deep breath.
"I want to apologize for calling you a monster and rejecting you that way. It was horrible on my behalf and I don't think it at all. I never wanted to hurt you this way..." I apologized in a miserable voice, shadow of how I had felt this long week, without Kratos near me. Kratos closed his eyes and a hurt expression appeared on his face.
"But I fully deserved it..." He retorted.
"Don't say that! You repent for killing him, right?" I raised my voice, which caused Kratos to startle and his gaze came back on me. I didn't want him to think this way, for him to depreciate himself that way. It was hard enough to hear him taking all the blame on himself. I saw so much regret and sadness in his eyes that I felt my heart squeezing painfully.
"Yes, I regret it. I didn't want to go that far, I didn't think..." He murmured in a broken voice.
"Then you're not a monster!! I forbid you to think that again." I lost my temper once more. I couldn't bear to see him think such a thing.
A heavy silence suddenly weighed on us. I tried to find a way to express what I had to tell him, but this time Kratos was ahead of me. His hand brushed mine lightly and I started a bit, surprised by the touch. I looked at him once more and lost myself in his dark pupils. I was suddenly conscious of his proximity.
"I'm so sorry, Yuan, you don't know how much..." He whispered sincerely.
My breath shortened as I could not pull away from his eyes.
"...Why?"
Kratos looked away, nibbling his lip harshly.
"I betrayed your trust. I sincerely thought I wouldn't need to kill anymore, but when I saw that this asshole was about to rape you, I lost all reason... I beg of you to forgive me..." He said in a dark voice.
I shivered, recalling the moment Kratos had arrived just in time to stop Rodyle from making me his sexual slave. This event was too fresh in my mind. I sadly shook my head.
"I can't forgive what you've done, I'll never be able to. It goes against my principles." I declared firmly, staring at him.
For a short while, I saw a hurt expression on his face. I allowed myself a weak smile. Kratos looked at me in confusion.
"But I forgive you, because I know you only had the need to protect me in mind. And I think that if I had found myself in a similar situation, I would have done the same."
Kratos was speechless for a long while, looking at me in surprise. He didn't seem to have expected such an answer. Soon, his expression became indifferent.
"But you would have stopped in time." He pointed out darkly.
"... I don't know. Maybe I wouldn't have." I replied thoughtfully. I wouldn't know until his life would be in danger, and I preferred to avoid such an alternative.
I glanced at him, only to see him lost in thoughts. I leaned closer to his face, gaining his attention.
"Kratos... thank you."
His eyes told me he didn't understand why I was thanking him. I had the need to explain.
"If you hadn't arrived at the time to save me, Rodyle would have obtained everything he wanted from me."
My friend's gaze darkened.
"You shouldn't thank me. It's my fault in the first place if you found yourself there." He replied in a tone full of regrets.
Suddenly, without him having the time to react, I slapped him harshly behind the head. Kratos vividly turned in my direction, with a stunned expression.
"Ouch!! Why did you hit me!?" He was indignant and I showed a mocking smile.
"I told you I would hit you if you took all the blame on yourself!! How many times must I repeat to you that I make my own choices!!" I exclaimed in a half light-hearted, half irritated tone.
"Sorry." He grumbled, rubbing his head at the spot I just hit him.
I sincerely hoped he would cease to take the blame on all that happened. I regained a straight face.
"But, if you truly want to be forgiven, you have to promise me two things." I said with seriousness. I really wanted to insist on those two conditions.
"Everything you want." Kratos promised without delay.
"You have to promise me you'll never kill someone again just as you did with Rodyle."
Kratos' expression darkened and he stared at the palm of his hands thoughtfully.
"I don't know if I can promise you that, Yuan... If you're in danger once more, I might not be able to control myself..." He admitted reluctantly.
"Then I'll stop you. It's really important that you promise…" I insisted, thinking back at Bryant's warning. I knew pretty well that if Kratos killed someone again, I would defend him, costing me my job. I think he saw the importance of this request in my eyes.
"Alright. I promise. And what's the second condition?" He asked carefully.
"I would like you to cease hiding your emotions when we're only the two of us."
At the expression of his face, I saw that this request bothered him. I knew it was difficult for him to show his emotions, but I was tired to see him hide everything he felt. I wanted him to trust me enough to show me every facet of his personality.
"It's... Yuan, you know it's difficult for me... For years, I was forced to hide everything. I wouldn't be able to change overnight." Kratos explained softly and I shook my head, a sad smile painted on my lips.
"And I'm not asking you to do it. Even if it's little by little, it'll be enough. If I can see you truly smile one day, it'll be enough for me..."
I whispered, my eyes losing themselves once more in the abyss of his dark pupils.
I heard his breath stop for a moment. It was as if the dam that kept his emotions captive had collapsed. A myriad of emotions whirled in his eyes and I felt captured by them, unable to look away, having no intentions to do so.
Suddenly, Kratos' arms wrapped themselves around my waist and he pulled me gently near him. My eyes widened in shock.
"Kratos!?" I murmured, breath shortened.
"I'll do my best..." He replied on a trembling voice.
"I believe... you're managing pretty well..." I teased while laughing lightly.
He buried his face in my neck, tightening his embrace. Once the initial shock was over, I let myself go in his arms, loving the warmth of his body. I clutched tightly the fabric of his shirt as my heart threatened to come out of my chest.
"I missed you Yuan... This week has been unbearable without you." He murmured in my ear, which caused shivers running down my spine.
I felt myself blush against my wishes at those words. I was happy to learn he had missed me. My face cracked a big smile that he could not see.
"I missed you as well..." I replied in a whisper.
An unexplainable feeling took hold of me as I lay in Kratos' arms. A consuming fire threatened to take hold of my entire being and I pushed it away, fearing its signification. I wasn't ready to such an eventuality. I contented myself in burying my face in his chest, breathing his scent. It had been so long since someone had held me this way and that I had ever felt so... complete, as if Kratos filled the void inside me. I didn't want to lose that feeling, ever... I felt Kratos' warm breathing against my neck and I clutched his shirt even tighter. I didn't want him to break that embrace, I didn't want to lose this wonderful warmth he was giving me. This warmth that lulled me to sleep that I had so much wanted to obtain in the last week. I felt myself becoming lethargic and I tried to fight against exhaustion, not wanting to lose the sensation of well-being Kratos was giving me, but the emotions and weariness I felt soon got the better of me. I was aware of someone calling my name softly before I fell asleep, smile on my face.
A/N :
Littlerosebud: I hope this was to your taste. Yuan managed to forgive Kratos. What will result of that? Te be continued in the next chapter, do not miss it!
I also wanted to take this time to announce that there's a possibility the release of the chapters will be delayed a little, since school started again. We apologize in advance! We will do our best to not make you wait too much!!