Harry Potter and the Blatant Copyright Infringement!

Disclaimers: If you had six legs, where would your arse be?

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Chapter Ten : Chicken Soup for the Shoemaker's Sole

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Upon leaving their first class of the year, Conversational Giraffe, our intrepid heroes made their way to their first Defense Against the Dark Arts class.

"You know," Ron observed, "Conversational Giraffe would be a good name for a rock band."

"Wait up!" Hermione called, joining them on their route to Professor Boogie-Mann's class.

"How was Clown Exploding class?" Harry asked as she fell into step with them.

"I'm not taking Clown Exploding, I'm taking Healing and Other Useful Stuff," Hermione sniffed.

As they entered the classroom, John Expendable-Character was sitting at one of the tables, smoldering. Literally. He was charred black and a thin halo of smoke encircled his head.

"What class did you just get out of?" Ron asked him.

"Clown Exploding," John replied. The others joined him at the table.

"I still don't see how I avoided running into you for the past several years," Harry said, shaking his head.

"Speaking of avoiding people, look who just walked in," Hermione said distastefully.

Malfoy walked over to their table, sneering at John. "Nice explosion you caused back there, Expendable."

"You're taking Clown Exploding?" Harry, Ron, and Hermione all asked incredulously, staring at Malfoy.

"It's an easy O," Malfoy growled before stalking over to his own table.

Suddenly, the lights dimmed before flashing like lightning. A roar of thunder filled the room, as well as a sinister 'mwahahaha' sound. Hannah Abbott screamed and fainted. Neville went pale. Malfoy hid under his table.

"Scoot over, Crabbe," Malfoy hissed, elbowing his crony in the gut.

Suddenly, the sounds stopped, the lights went up, and everything was hunky-dory. Standing in front of them, top hat, cape, and all, was Professor Boogie-Mann, looking very pleased with himself. The class stared wordlessly until Hermione blurted out, "Good grief, what an entrance."

Ron leaned over to her and muttered, "But at least it wasn't the entrance of a bad guy."

Professor Boogie-Mann's beady eyes cast about the room. "Welcome to Defense Against the Dark Arts," he said. "I am your instructor, Professor Kree P. Boogie-Mann."

Hermione raised her hand. "What does the 'P' stand for, sir?"

"Pabout," Professor Boogie-Mann said without batting an eyelash.

"Professor Kree Pabout Boogie-Mann?" Ron muttered. "I think he made that up."

The professor continued, but Harry wasn't listening to his introduction to the class. He found himself thinking about the Creevy brothers. They were dead. Murdered. And somebody was responsible. His money was on Snape. After all, he considered, idly watching Professor Boogie-Mann twirl his moustache as he demonstrated how to set fire to a chipmunk, no one else in school was so obviously nasty.

"Psst, Harry," Hermione whispered. "Wake up." All the other students were opening their copies of No Bad Guys Here : A Guide to Self-Delusion. Harry snapped out of his reverie and did likewise. The professor directed them to Chapter One : So You Want to Be a Member of the Easily Misled Masses.

Class proceeded normally, but Harry could not shake the uneasy feeling of Impending Doom. He made a mental note to say something about it to Ron and Hermione after they were dismissed.

"I can't shake the uneasy feeling of Impending Doom," Harry said to Ron and Hermione after they were dismissed.

"It must be bad, it's capitalized," Hermione observed as Ron nodded in agreement.

"Are you afraid another student is going to...to..." Ron tried to ask.

"...to meet an untimely end in a most gruesome and bizarre fashion?" Hermione added helpfully.

"Well, something like that," Harry said uneasily. "There is every indication that there is a murderer amongst us."

"Us?" Ron asked. "You mean the three of us?"

"No, you twit, us as in the whole school," Harry said impatiently.

"I'm sure Professor Dumbledore and the teachers are taking every precaution," Hermione said. "And I'm sure they're doing all they can to catch the murderer."

"But what if the murderer is one of the teachers?" Harry asked.

"Like who?" Ron asked.

They heard a loud 'mwahahaha' from down the hall.

"Snape," Harry replied.

"Yes! It's so obvious!" Ron exclaimed.

"Ron, don't encourage him," Hermione scolded. "Harry, why on earth would Snape want the Creevy brothers dead?"

"Who didn't want the Creevy brothers dead?" Ron retorted.

"Be that as it may, you can't just go around accusing people of murder. It annoys people in the movies."

"Well, who else could it have been?" Harry asked.

There was a loud explosion from the direction of the DADA room, accompanied by more 'mwa's and 'ha's.

"Well, I don't know, it's only the tenth chapter," Hermione said huffily.

"All this talk about death and murder is all well and good," Ron said, "but it's time for lunch. Can't we discuss something a little easier on the digestion?"

Suddenly, a scream resonated from the Great Hall.

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Yep. Cliffhanger. Who has died now? Is it...

1) Luna Lovegood, the weird little space alien who reads magazines upside-down...

2) Draco Malfoy, the obnoxious little git who doesn't read magazines upside-down...

3) Cho Chang, the whiny-butt crybaby that irritates everyone and makes farm animals restless up to two miles away...

4) Seamus Finnegan, the argumentative momma's boy...

5) Spanky the Wonder Muppet, who slices, dices, makes Julian Fries, and floats through the air with the greatest of ease...

-OR-

6) Britney Spears

Find out in the next thrilling episode! We already know, but we ain't tellin'.