Merlin refused to even mention the word marriage after that. He couldn't stop feeling guilty about Gwen. Arthur left him alone from trying to talk about it after he realised Merlin was going to keep ignoring him. The days after that were a bit of a haze. Breakfast with Arthur, training with Arthur, mid-day meal with Arthur, strolling the markets with king Bastian and Arthur, spending the afternoon with Morgana, dinning with Arthur, and going to sleep beside Arthur. All while spending most days throwing up at random points of the day. Arthur insisted with Gaius that it can't be normal but Gaius assured them both, that it was.
Today, Merlin had been confined to the bed by Arthur when he woke up nauseous. Merlin was too queasy to argue and simply agreed, staying under the covers, welcoming the warmth against the decreasing temperatures. He just lay in bed all morning, having had small bites of food at a time that Arthur left on his nightstand. Merlin was sincerely shocked to find Arthur knew how to serve food. Arthur was sincerely offended at his words and after messing up his hair even more than it already was in the morning, Arthur left for training.
George came briefly and placed his meal on the table. After unsuccessfully trying to get the man to loosen up, Merlin dismissed him and ate his mid-day meal.
After that he got frustrated because as soon as he was ready to get out of the room, he started feeling dizzy. When that finally passed he made his way down to Gaius' chambers. The familiar smell of the drying herbs made him feel instantly better and he walked in to see his mentor grinding some down to powder.
"Ah, Merlin. Come in, my boy. Have a seat, you look deathly pale." Gaius said with a frown, bringing him over to the sick bed.
"I'm fine… I was just feeling dizzy earlier. Now I'm just nauseous." He mumbled.
"Just lie yourself down. You've been stressing over something. I can tell." Gaius stubbornly tucked him into bed and Merlin huffed covering his eyes with the back of his hand, hoping it would do something. "Is it Arthur?"
"When isn't it Arthur?" Merlin asked.
"Hmm… you make a fair point." Gaius said and Merlin sighed. "I heard you're carrying, heard it from the cook. Overjoyed she was. A new prince, that should brighten up the place, she said." Gaius said and Merlin groaned.
"Arthur practically shouted it after king Bastian arrived and invited me to have a picnic with him. Then he proceeded to try and bet with Arthur that if he won the sparring match I could sleep with him." Merlin said. There was silence at first.
"What did Arthur say to him at that?"
"Arthur quit the match and refused to make a bet with him."
"Good." Gaius replied.
"No, not good, Gaius." Merlin sat himself up and looked at him. "Arthur's asked me to elope with him. I'm getting married to that turnip head!" Merlin whispered, putting his head in his hands.
"Well… where should I tell Hunnith to go for the ceremony?" Gaius asked.
"Gaius, you're not helping!" Merlin exclaimed. "Oh god… I haven't told my mother anything yet." Merlin whispered. "The one thing she always told me! Don't lie carelessly with girls, Merlin. You don't want a child out of wedlock, Merlin."
"Well, you haven't done the first thing. Plus, if you marry Arthur that seems to resolve half of what she'd complain about." Gaius mixed a powder with water and brought it over. Merlin was still glaring as he approached. "Drink this, it'll give you a little energy. Hopefully a little colour too, has Arthur seen the way you look?" Gaius said worried and Merlin sipped the somewhat bitter drink.
"Gaius, could you do me a favour? Could you tell my mother?" Merlin asked, looking at the drink. He was expecting him to refuse but his mentor placed his hand on Merlin's head.
"I already did, she's on her way now, actually. You'll have to update her on the wedding though." Gaius said. Merlin's eyes widened.
"My mother is coming?" He stood. "Wh-when did she leave Ealdor?" How many days before she was likely to arrive?
oOoOoOo
Arthur wished this day would end. He'd shown King Bastian around the finer stores around the citadel. It seemed that the man rather enjoyed buying things. Arthur didn't care, if anything it helped his people as it brought money in, but the man would not shut up about the differences in their courts, how much grander his kingdom's customs were, how much brighter the colours were, how much better the sun shined over there. It irritated Arthur to the core.
So when he saw a familiar face making its way through the citadel with decisive strides he almost ran toward it.
"Hunnith!" Arthur smiled in greeting. Merlin's mother looked startled to find him in the market but soon a rage sparked in her eyes and Arthur felt a pang of concern. Then he felt the sting of her slap. She was much faster than Merlin. Definitely stronger.
"Arthur, how could you?" Hunnith hissed. The guards rushed to grab her but Arthur rose his hand and they stopped.
"Hunnith, perhaps we can speak in the palace? Or somewhere more private?" Arthur asked, trying to resist the urge to reach up and cup his stinging face in front of the stupid king of Angevin.
"I should hope so, but first I'm going to get my hands on my stupid boy!" She exclaimed and turned, continuing her way to the castle. Arthur turned to the king.
"You'll have to excuse me, your highness, the guards will accompany you back." Arthur said and ran after Hunnith.
oOoOoOo
Merlin returned to his room when he realised he wasn't getting any better. Wait… his room? He stared at Arthur's door. Since when did it become his room too? He sighed and entered. He needed his bed. He just wanted to close his eyes and forget about everything.
"I told him to stay in bed." Arthur insisted.
"You and my son have been sharing a bed for a month? How long before that! Oh god what was Merlin thinking?" His mother's voice rang and Merlin's eyes widened, closing the door behind him and rushing into view.
"Mom?" Arthur looked up, relief in his face as well as a red mark on his cheek. His mother looked furious.
"Merlin!" She paused and looked at him. "My boy… how could you do this?" She whispered.
"Do this? I didn't do this! I was forced into it." Merlin said. His mother's eyes widened and turned with killing intent to Arthur. "No! That's not what I meant! What did Gaius tell you?!" He exclaimed running to stand in front of Arthur.
"He told me you'd gotten turned into a woman and that you're pregnant with Arthur's child. I knew you two were close..."
"We were not." Both said simultaneously.
"…but to think that after getting turned into a woman you could just do anything? Of course this was going to happen!" Hunnith said ignoring their interjection. Merlin took a deep breath as he began to feel dizzy again.
"Mom that's not…" Merlin took a deep breath and staggered back into Arthur.
"Merlin? Merlin!" He heard Arthur call, caught a glimpse of his panicked expression and fell into his arms. They were strong and held him as if he weighed nothing. He felt himself getting put back into bed and his mother trying to calm a frantic Arthur. Arthur sending for Gaius. A hand on his forehead petting his hair. His mother. Another coming to hold his hand far too strongly to be his mother. He gave that hand a squeeze to tell him he was fine. He couldn't help the squeeze of his heart realising he'd made Arthur this worried.
oOoOoOo
"He's fine sire. These things happen to all pregnant women." Gaius said simply. Arthur couldn't believe that.
"How is this normal? He's sick almost every day, now this? What if the spell is hurting him somehow? What if his magic is fighting against this? What if-"
Gaius' hand on his shoulder grounded him and Arthur took a deep breath. "He is fine, Arthur. You need to calm down."
"How do we know, for sure, the same thing that happened to my mother won't happen to him?" Arthur asked.
"To start with, it's a different spell, and a sacrifice has already been given." Gaius said. "Sire, you really don't need to worry so much. Merlin's much stronger than you think."
Arthur looked at Merlin, while Hunnith used a cool cloth on Merlin's forehead. He finally nodded. "Thank you, Gaius." Gaius nodded and left.
Arthur came to lean against the bedpost, staring at Merlin's rising and falling of his chest.
"A spell was used?" Hunnith asked. She looked tense, and Arthur knew she knew of Merlin's secret.
"Merlin broke free from his restraints with magic. Then he freed us with it. My sister killed the sorceress trying to use the spell to conceive. With her dead, the spell chose Merlin as the closest host. Merlin was turned into a woman by his own magic before the child entered him." Arthur explained.
"So, you two have never lain with each other?" She asked looking up at Arthur and he had to look away, not knowing whether to laugh or scoff so he did an odd mix of the two.
"No, of course not."
"Hmm… well that's surprising." She said and Arthur turned to her confused but she offered no explanation. "And you know of his magic."
"Yes, but my father doesn't. Only my most trusted knights and Morgana who was there." He said. "When did he start learning?" He asked.
She gave him an odd look. "Learning?"
"Learning magic?"
"Merlin didn't learn magic. Until he came to Camelot he didn't know a single spell." She said and turned to Merlin, petting his hair. "The day he was born, he was a quiet boy. Cried once and that's it. As I cried my heart out holding him to my chest… his eyes glowed a molten gold and flower petals began to fall from the ceiling." Hunnith said, smiling warmly.
Arthur stared at her then at Merlin. How was it that a new-born babe could have such power? Would his child be the same? If that was true there was no way of keeping it a secret from his father. A cold icy feeling settled in his chest and he realised… his father would not hesitate to throw his babe into the same pyre he'd strap Merlin to.
"He said he was born with it… I didn't believe him." Arthur whispered feeling almost out of breath. Now he was more than convinced that marrying Merlin was the correct option. It may not offer every protection. But it would offer some. "We're getting married, a secret from my father." Arthur said and Hunnith looked up at him shocked.
"You can't!" She whispered.
Arthur sighed. "It's the only way to offer him more protection." He said.
"Merlin is a servant, you are a prince."
"My child will also be of royal blood. To hell with stations!" Arthur said frustrated with this argument. It made Hunnith pause and stare at him.
"Do you love each other?" She asked. Arthur opened his mouth to lie but his voice didn't come out. He looked away.
"I love another." He admitted.
"Merlin would never forgive himself." She said softly and stood coming before him. "Unless you can say that you will at least try to come to love him, as a man, not what he looks like now, I won't give you my blessing." She said.
Arthur stared at her and looked at Merlin. Could he love Merlin? Merlin? Hah! What a stupid notion! How could he possibly come to love Merlin? Stupid, idiot Merlin. Loyal, brave… beautiful… His heart skipped a beat and he looked away. He's beautiful as a woman, yes, but as a man? To be honest they didn't look at all that different. He must have simply not noticed before.
The fierce, electric blue eyes, defined cheekbones, pale skin. Yes, he had always been beautiful. He took a deep breath looking at Merlin once more. "All I know… is that my life would be a lot emptier without him." He said and finally dared to look at Hunnith who'd been studying his reaction.
"That's good enough… for now." She said and smiled at Arthur, cupping his cheek. "Well, I never thought I'd have a son-in-law." She pulled him down and warmth went down to Arthur's heart as she placed a kiss on his forehead and caressed his cheek. It made him think of his own mother and his heart squeezed painfully. "If it's alright, I'll stay until the ceremony. That way you don't have to send me coded messages. If you're trying to keep it secret from the king it's probably best writing is kept to a minimum." She said gently and Arthur nodded.
"You're more than welcome." He said. She nodded and let go turning to look at Merlin who was glaring softly at Arthur.
"You keep your hands off my mother." He said and Arthur laughed softly, more of relief at seeing Merlin awake with more colour on his cheeks then when he fainted.
"You idiot, didn't I tell you to stay in bed?" Arthur asked coming round to him.
"I got bored." Merlin said. "Besides, this is normal." He said.
"Yes, Gaius was most insistent on that." Arthur said reaching to feel Merlin's forehead making them both tense. Merlin looked up at Arthur questioningly and Arthur pulled his hand back. "Good, no fever. Quite normal, indeed. Right, I'll, I. Things to do." Arthur said and nodded at Hunnith before leaving.
Outside the room Arthur tried to slow his heart beat. He could still feel the softness of Merlin's skin under his fingers and clenched his hand into a fist trying to forget about the sensation. The rest of the day he was haunted by the question Hunnith asked him. Could he come to love Merlin? His instinct every time was to dismiss the notion as absolutely ridiculous.
He kept thinking of Gwen and the feel of her skin, the scent of her hair, the softness of her lips. His reactions to Merlin were starting to scare him. Gwen he knew, Gwen he loved.
oOoOoOo
Merlin noticed Arthur acting a bit strange the days after that. He would avoid eye-contact with him and keep conversations short and simple.
One night Merlin woke up to the feel of Arthur's fingers on his cheek. He was half asleep so his eyes didn't open but he was certain of it. Then he felt the warm sensation of breath over his lips and his heart raced wildly, realising what was about to happen. It was gone before he realised it and Arthur jumped out of bed. Merlin heard him mutter insults at himself. He dared open his eyes slightly but Arthur wasn't looking at him. He dressed himself and put on his cloak. He was out the door in less than five minutes.
Merlin sat up and threw the covers off. He put on his boots and grabbed his own cloak, throwing it on and following Arthur as he was so used to doing. This felt familiar. Almost fun.
Arthur was easy to follow as Merlin was an expert by now.
A hand grabbed his shoulder and turned him around to be met with Lancelot's glare. "Merlin? What are you doing?" He asked confused.
"Shh!" Merlin whispered and blew at the other's torch. His eyes glowed and that simple puff of air turned off the torch. He returned to looking for Arthur and hurried down the corridor. The tinkling of chainmail told him Lancelot was following.
"Who are we following?" Lancelot asked softly afterward. "An intruder?"
"It's Arthur." He whispered, watching Arthur go out the back exit where the deliveries arrived.
"Honestly, you two make our jobs twice as hard." Lancelot said.
"Go back to your post and forget you saw us." Merlin said. Lancelot laughed.
"Not likely."
They followed Arthur through the upper town and when they saw where he was heading Merlin stopped. His heart raced. Arthur knocked on the door and Gwen opened the door soon after.
"Arthur!" She whispered surprised.
"Please… I had to see you." Arthur said and Gwen looked at him with longing, bringing him down to kiss him. Merlin stared as Arthur grabbed her almost with desperation, kissing her back in a way that made Merlin's heart squeeze painfully, while before it would have made him overjoyed seeing Arthur going for the person he loved. Arthur entered the house and the door closed. Merlin stood there frozen.
Lancelot wrapped his arm around Merlin's shoulder, giving it a squeeze. "Are you alright?" he asked.
"Fine… this is to be expected, isn't it?" He said trying to force a smile but it hurt. All he could think about was the warmth of Arthur's mouth over his own. Longing. That's what he'd felt.
"Stop it Merlin, I know exactly what you're feeling right now." He said softly. "Let's go back."
"No." Merlin said and looked up. "I have to hear what he has to say." He said and walked closer to the hut. Lancelot tried to discourage him but as they came closer they both had to stop talking or risk being heard.
oOoOoOo
Arthur held Gwen close, kissing her deeply, relishing the feel of her body against his own.
"I've missed you so much." Arthur whispered.
"I've missed you too…" She whispered and looked at him with those gorgeous brown eyes. "But why are you here?" She asked.
"I needed to see your face… I needed you." He said, caressing her cheek leaning in for another kiss but she moved back.
"Wait… what about Merlin?" She asked.
"Please, let's not talk about Merlin right now. I just want to forget about him." Arthur said reaching to hold her but she stepped back.
"Forget about him? He's still carrying your child." She reminded him. "And now everyone knows about it. What would people say if they saw you coming to my house at this hour?" She asked.
"I don't care what people say." Arthur said. "I just care about you. Gwen, I love you."
"So if people start calling me the things they call Merlin you won't care?" She asked.
"What are people saying about Merlin?" He asked.
"I think you can guess." She said.
"Gwen, I'm sorry, of course I care about those things but… I just couldn't marry Merlin without seeing you again." He said.
"You're getting married?!" She exclaimed.
"For the sake of the child! Please, Gwen. I love you, I'll always love you!"
"You need to leave, Arthur." Gwen said. Arthur shook his head and tried to reach for her hands but she recoiled from him. "Get out." She said louder.
"Gwen please, I didn't choose this!" He said.
"Neither did Merlin!" She yelled and Arthur froze.
"I don't love Merlin! I'll never love Merlin! He means nothing to me! I can't…" He whispered, sounding unsure more than anything. The sound of running feet drew their attention and Arthur stormed out, Gwen following him. Lancelot stood, leaned against the wall of the house, a robbed figure running away. "Sir Lancelot?" He asked.
"That's Merlin." Lancelot said. Arthur stared at the lone figure running in the opposite direction of the castle.
"Go after him." Arthur said softly.
"Why? It's not his child he's carrying." Gwen said bluntly and glared at him. A look that crushed Arthur. "This is reality, Arthur. You and I can never be. If you're done lying to me maybe you can stop lying to yourself. Merlin has meant more to you than you seem to realise. I'll never be able to compete with him. And I don't intend to compete." She said finally.
As if awakening from a heavy sleep, Arthur looked away from Gwen to Merlin who was nowhere to be seen. Merlin who was running opposite from the castle.
"Merlin!" He yelled and ran after him.