"I had a breakdown," Anna said. "Nearly three years ago."
Cassie sat up, and looked at Anna's distraught face. She didn't know what to say, so she just took her hand. She realized that her lover was shaking slightly. "You cold?" she asked her gently. Anna nodded. Cassie pulled the quilt up, then got out of bed, and grabbed a thick blanket that was on the chair on the other side of the room. She wrapped it tenderly round Anna's shoulders, and her own, and drew Anna to her.
"It's all okay now," Anna said earnestly to Cassie, feeling under the blanket to reclaim her hand. "You can see I'm okay now, so you mustn't worry, Cassie. I really am fine now. I've never been so happy, don't ever forget that."
Cassie kissed her softly. "You don't have to do this," her voice was compassionate.
"It all began just over four years ago," Anna went on, ignoring her remark. "I'd just started a teaching job near Windsor, which I loved. I was teaching English to secondary school kids, and for the most part, they were all great and really keen. Of course there was the odd one who wasn't interested, but that just added to the challenge."
"Sounds great," Cassie said.
"It was," Anna agreed. "I was having a great time during the day, and also in the evenings. Two of the other teachers were my age, and we often went out to bars and clubs, and sometimes to the theatre. We were at the theatre one night, and saw a truly awful play. It was so dreadful that we left at the interval, and we weren't the only ones, about 10 others left at the same time. Most of us went to a pub nearby, and we were all laughing so hard about the terrible over-acting. And that was how I met Tina. Krystina, was her full name. Still is, I suppose," and Anna laughed, but the laugh was hollow. Cassie could tell she was trying to lighten the atmosphere. She dreaded to think what Anna was about to tell her, but she wanted to know too, she didn't want Anna to feel she had to hide anything from her.
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"I wonder how it all went," Sam mused, as she and Janet ate their dinner that evening. They were both loving just being together, and were trying not to think about Sam's return to Atlantis in two days' time. Still, they were coping okay with the distance, and were both finding that the regular visits were enough, for the moment. They had agreed, though, that this would be the last time they'd ever consider being apart for any length of time.
"Huh?" Janet's mouth was full of chilli. She knew how inelegant she looked, and winked impishly at Sam.
"Cass, meeting Anna's family," Sam reminded her, smiling. "I remember the first time I met your Mom, I was terrified."
Janet grinned. "You were not!" she said laughing. "You can't have been scared of Mom. She's even smaller than I am!"
Sam looked her straight in the eye. "I was terrified she might not like me, and wouldn't think I was good enough for her beautiful daughter. I couldn't have borne it if anything had gotten between us. I already knew that I wanted you in my life, for ever."
Janet was moved by Sam's words. "She loves you, Sam," she took her hand. "And she has, right from the beginning." Janet thought of her mom, who lived in a retirement complex in Montana. Both she and Sam had tried to persuade her to move to Colorado Springs, but Montana was the last home she had had with her late husband, Janet's father. She had all her friends around her, and was happy in the complex. She had her own apartment, but everything was warden-controlled, and she had a great social life, and played bridge obsessively with other residents.
"She's great," Sam smiled warmly. "She's like a shorter version of you, and she's so funny too, just like you."
"I was scared too, honey, meeting Jacob and Selmak, can you imagine a more scary way to meet your father-in-law?" Janet said, with a laugh. "Talk about two for the price of one."
"Yeah," Sam agreed, "I was nervous as hell too, getting to know Selmak. But she was great for Dad, he really softened up. I still miss him, and Selmak too. But I'll always be grateful for those years, I think I was closer to Dad then than at any other time."
Janet nodded. "He was real proud of you, Sam," she told her.
"I know," Sam's voice was thoughtful. "And he was so happy we had gotten together, and loved his granddaughter so much too. Familes, huh," she laughed ruefully, "they can get so complicated. But I'll bet it went really well with Anna's family. And who could fail to love Cassie?"
Janet agreed. "We'll phone them tomorrow morning, just to check it's all good, okay baby?"
Sam nodded.
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"That evening," Anna continued, "Tina was so funny. She's Polish, a dancer," she fought to keep control of her voice as she dragged up memories she had tried so hard to tamp down. "And she re-enacted one of the scenes from the play, which was even funnier in her Polish accent. Her English was excellent, she had lived over here for nearly ten years, but you could still hear the accent. Sometimes I wondered if she kept it deliberately, just to be different. Who knows," she shrugged.
Cassie rubbed her back reassuringly.
"It's okay," Anna said. "We all stayed there until the pub closed, and then I got the bus back to my flat. Turned out Tina lived nearby, so we got off at the same stop. She came in for a coffee, and we just talked for hours. At that point, I found her captivating. She was 32, so nearly ten years older than me. But she looked so young, and she was beautiful, and she had a wonderful body." She swallowed. "Sorry, Cass," she said, "but I want you to know everything. I want you to understand why I fell for her. She was funny, and sexy, and clever, and charming. She was also incredibly jealous and controlling, but I didn't know that then. I just wanted to be with her. It was after 3am when she left, and all we'd done was talk. But I knew I wanted her. When she knocked at my door the next night, I was so excited I could hardly think straight."
Anna looked up at Cassie. "Don't suppose there's any of that whisky left is there Cass?"
Cassie could see she was struggling to hold it together. She went out to the kitchen, and returned with the half-full bottle and two mugs. "No glasses, I'm afraid," she smiled. She poured a slug of whisky into one mug, and passed it to Anna, as she snuggled back under the blanket with her.
Anna swallowed gratefully, feeling the warm liquid settle reassuringly in her stomach. "By the end of the month, I'd moved in with her. It was quick, I know," she said, "but I loved her. And I thought she loved me. Maybe she did," she mused, "in her way. To start with, everything was great. The sex was fantastic," she looked apologetically at Cassie.
"It's okay, Annie," Cassie's voice was soothing, "I don't expect you never to have slept with anybody else, we've both got pasts, and that's fine."
"She insisted we have separate rooms, though," Anna said, "and I suppose I should have realized then that something was off. But for the first couple of months, she came to my room every night. She wouldn't stay after, though. The first night she stayed with me all night, and it was magical, waking up with her in my arms the next morning. But after that night, she always went back to her own room after. She said it was to do with having a bad back from all her dancing, and I believed everything she said. I missed her, but then she'd come back again the next night."
"Whisky?" Cassie offered, raising the bottle.
Anna shook her head. "Not yet, I want a clear head," she told her. "So things were good, for about three months. And for a long time after that, I convinced myself that everything was still fine. But she started to want to control a lot of what I did, what I wore, who I saw. To start with, I was touched, she'd take me shopping, tell me what clothes suited me, and that made me feel special. But I came home one day to find my favorite jacket had 'disappeared'. She claimed to know nothing about it, but I saw it at the bottom of the dustbin, and I knew she'd thrown it out. I should have said something, I know, but I was caught in her spell. And my confidence failed me, I wondered if she had been right about the jacket, that it made me look fat."
"Fat!" Cassie spluttered. "You? Never!"
"Don't forget, she was a dancer," Anna said, "and she thought everybody should be ultra-thin. She started to make remarks about my weight. Nothing direct at first, she'd just look slightly disapproving if I had a second bowl of cereal in the morning, that sort of thing. And then she started making me low-fat lunches to take to school. I thought she was just being considerate, trying to save me money, being kind. One day, though," her voice shook at the memory, "she found I hadn't eaten my lunch. We'd had a special celebration for the school secretary, she'd just got engaged. So four of us took her out to lunch to congratulate her. Tina was so angry, she threw the lunch box at the wall, and stormed out. She didn't come back until 2am, and she was drunk when she came back in. She still came to my room, but it was awful, Cass. She was really... rough. She was so angry with me, I didn't know what to do. So I just kept quiet, and once she had finished she went to her room."
Cassie was horrified. "Anna..." she began.
"Let me finish, Cass," Anna said softly. "After that, it got better, quite a lot better, for a while. Tina apologized to me the next morning, told me she just couldn't bear to watch food being wasted like that. And she was sweet and kind, and I tried to forget all about it. As the weeks went on, though, she started being more and more controlling. She took me to her hairdresser's, as a 'treat', but once we got there, she insisted that my hair was cut just the way she liked it. It was okay, though, like that, so I didn't bother to say anything. You pick your battles, you know?"
Cassie nodded miserably.
"She kept on at me about my diet, too," Anna continued, "so in the end I just ate what she wanted me to eat. I lost a bit of weight, but not much."
"You don't have weight to lose!" Cassie protested.
"She couldn't see that," Anna said grimly. "Anyway, I just let it go. I still loved her, you see, Cass. I suppose she was my first real passion, and after a while, I lost all my confidence, so I started to rely on her to make all my decisions for me. I convinced myself that I needed her advice, and that without her I'd just screw up my life. And when she suggested I see less of my friends, I agreed to that too. In the end, I hardly saw anybody. Mum and Dad spent much of that year travelling, 'cos Izzie had got into a college, where she lived in. I still visited Izzie every few weeks though, I insisted on that, and I think Tina knew she couldn't stop me doing that. No fucking way."
Cassie started, that was the first time she's heard Anna use such harsh language. "So what happened, Annie?" she put her arm round Anna's shoulders and squeezed tight. "What was it that split you up?"
Anna paled. Cassie wordlessly poured another small slug of whisky and handed it to her. She swallowed it down.
"We'd been together nearly a year," her voice wasn't much above a whisper. "She'd been away for a few days, some dance presentation that her group was doing in the north. So I was 'in charge' of the kitchen. Usually she hated me doing any of the cooking, as she liked to keep control of my calorie intake, so she did all the shopping before she left so that I didn't 'slip'."
"Slip?" Cassie was burning with anger. "How dare she treat you like that?"
"By that stage, Cass, I thought I needed her to make those decisions for me. I know," Anna looked embarrassed, "how the hell could I have become such a wreck? But I was. Anyway," she cleared her throat, "most of the stuff in the fridge was salads, naturally. And I must not have been paying enough attention, but by the time I'd noticed it, a chicken breast - skinless of course - had gone off, it was rotten. I knew how angry Anna had been after I'd wasted that lunch, so I buried it right at the bottom of the dustbin, under all the other rubbish."
Cassie couldn't believe that Anna, this vital, confident, lovely person had been reduced to such a state that she was hiding trash from her lover. Her heart broke at what she had been through, but she understood, she knew that love did strange things to people, and how insidious these things could be.
"When I came back from school that day," Anna said, "she was already there. She was rather cold to me, I thought, but I put it down to her being tired. She was making a spicy casserole, which I took to be a good sign, it meant she didn't mind me having a filling meal. I thought," she snorted derisively at the memory, "I thought she was trying to be nice to me. Little did I know."
Cassie squeezed her arm. "You okay, honey?" she asked gently.
Anna nodded. "I am now. With you here. Are you sure you want to hear all this?"
Cassie nodded. "I hate hearing what she did to you, Annie, but if you want to tell me, I want to hear it. It's never going to happen again though, I swear to you."
Anna's eyes filled with tears. "Oh God, Cass, I know that. That's one thing I'm sure of. Well, two things: one, we'll be together for ever; and two, you'll always treat me beautifully. I love you Cass. And I'm only telling you all this so you know what's gone on. Try not to let it get to you, sweetheart, it really is all over. And I'm the happiest I've ever been," she knew she was repeating herself, but she hated knowing the effect on Cassie of what she had already said, and what she was about to say.
"So she made the casserole, and called me into the kitchen. I was surprised," she recalled bitterly, "that she had given me such a large portion. But I was hungry," she said, "and I knew she hated waste, so I ate it all. I wanted to please her, so I did what she wanted. At that stage, I always did what she wanted. But then, only a few minutes after I'd finished, I started feeling really terrible. I noticed she was watching me closely. She asked me what was wrong. I was going to say nothing, but I knew I was going to be sick. So I told her I felt a little queasy. I was frightened she was going to be angry with me. But she looked pleased. She got up from the table, and got something from the counter. She put it in front of me; it was the packet the chicken breast had been in."
"No!" Cassie gasped. "She didn't. She couldn't have?"
"She did," Anna whispered. "And she told me that she was teaching me a lesson about wasting food, that I hadn't learned last time, and that this time I wouldn't forget."
"Oh my God," Cassie's voice was shocked. "What did you say?"
"Nothing," Anna recalled miserably, "by that time I was in the bathroom. I only just made it there in time."
"Didn't she call the doctor?" Cassie was astounded.
Anna laughed. "Hardly," she answered. "She went out. For four hours. By the time she got back, I'd passed out on the bathroom floor. The next thing I remember is her sitting me up on the bathroom floor, and shaking me, asking if I had got the message."
Cassie realized that Anna was trembling again, and wrapped the blanket tighter around her shoulders.
"I told her I had," Anna continued.
"Did she call the doctor then?" Cassie knew just how serious food poisoning could be.
"No," Anna said. "But she did change suddenly. She became sweet and caring," she saw Cassie's mouth open, "I know, it was like she was a different person. She cleaned me up, carried me to bed, and she stayed with me. For the first time in months," her voice hitched, "she stayed all night in the same room with me. I think," she explained, "that I was more ill than she had expected. I think maybe she thought I'd just have a bad few hours and that would be that."
"How long were you sick?" Cassie's voice was barely audible.
"I threw up for four days, I think. It was hard to tell. I had a high fever, so it was difficult to work out how much time had passed. But that's not the worst part, Cass. The worst part is that I was actually grateful to her for looking after me! God, it sounds so stupid now," her voice grew increasingly bitter. "For the first time in months, she was kind and sweet and tender; she held me when I threw up, which I did a lot, she didn't complain for one moment about all the work I was causing her. And she stayed with me all night, holding me, sponging me down, soothing me, wrapping me in warm quilts, trying to feed me water. For four days. When I woke on the fifth day, she was asleep, but holding me in her arms, and I felt safe, and loved. I know," she saw the fury on Cassie's face. "It was so stupid of me. But I had been in such pain; I really thought I might die when I was at my worst. So when I woke up, feeling almost human, in her arms, I was just so relieved. And she continued to be sweet to me. She even told me she was sorry about the 'accident' with the chicken, and that she was so glad I was feeling better."
Cassie had started to weep now, hot, angry tears coursing down her face. Anna reached out and poured a slug of whisky into the other mug, and passed it to her. "It's okay, Cass," she said quietly.
Cassie shook her head. "It's not okay," she said hotly, "I can't believe she could do that to you. So you left then?"
Anna's laugh was hollow. "No, Cass," she told her, "I wish I could tell you I did, but I didn't. I was so low by then sweetheart," she tried to explain, "that I really thought I needed her. For everything. And she was so gentle with me afterwards. I lost a lot of weight in those few days, twelve pounds in all. She told me I was beautiful, that I was finally the right shape. She couldn't get enough of me, physically," Anna stumbled over her words. "I felt loved again. I know now it was a twisted, controlling love. But I thought she was making me happy, and I wanted to make her happy too. So I was desperate to keep the weight off," she took a deep breath.
"I had to take ten days off work, I was so weak. By the time I returned, I was trying so hard not to eat. I know I looked dreadful. Stacy, the school secretary, told me I looked like death warmed up. She tried to get me to eat, but I fobbed her off, told her I'd had a big breakfast, and that I'd be eating that night, all the old excuses. And Tina showered me with compliments all the time about my body. I think it wasn't so much what I looked like, more that I was just doing exactly what she wanted. She didn't want a lover, she wanted someone to control, a pet almost," Anna's voice cracked with remembered hatred.
"How long did that go on for?" Cassie wanted to know.
"Not long," Anna said. "Just under two weeks. It might have been longer, but I passed out in the staff room one afternoon. Stacy wouldn't let them call Tina, even though she was down as my next of kin. She knew Mum and Dad had returned from their trip the week before - she knew because I'd told her that Tina and I couldn't see her for a few weeks, Tina's decision of course - so she took it on herself to call Mum. She had guessed for a long time that Tina was treating me badly, I'd changed so much in the past few months. And she knew that I'd passed out because I wasn't eating; wearing baggy clothes hadn't fooled her for one moment."
"Thank God for Stacy," Cassie said, with feeling, her heart racing with emotion.
"Yeah," Anna agreed. "Mum and Dad drove straight down, I've never seen Dad so angry when he saw the state I was in. We went straight round to the flat to collect my things. I think I was relieved that they'd found out. Deep down, I knew it wasn't right, any of it. It took me hitting rock bottom to realize it, though."
Cassie hugged her tight.
"Story's nearly finished," Anna said, trying to smile. "When we got to the flat," her voice hitched again, "Tina was there. She's obviously taken the day off from the dance studio, and she was on the couch, naked, with one of the young dancers. After all that, she was cheating on me. But," she took another deep breath, "that was the best thing that could have happened. Any last vestige of love I had for her evaporated in that moment. Dad told me after that that was the closest he had ever got to hitting a woman. I'm glad he didn't, though, she wasn't worth it. He's too good to be brought down to that level."
She smiled at Cassie. "I'm so sorry, Cass, to burden you with all of this. I wasn't sure how much to tell you, but I couldn't lie to you about anything, I thought it was best just to get it all out there. Are you okay?"
Cassie sniffed, and looked over at her, her eyes full of hurt and love. "I'm fine, Annie," she said, "just so long as you're okay, that's all that matters to me."
Anna took her hand. "I really am okay, Cass, you have to believe me. I've been good for well over two years. It was rough to start with, and Mum and Dad bore the brunt of it all. I wasn't very nice to live with for a few months, and I had lots of 'food issues', but they got me all the help I needed. I saw a counsellor for over a year, and he helped me to put my brain in order again. And Izzie, when she came back from college, helped me so much. Iz is completely honest about everything, you may have noticed that? She can't lie, she just doesn't know how to."
Cassie smiled, "yeah," she said, "I noticed that. But she only ever seems to have good things to say."
"She didn't have anything good to say about Tina," Anna remembered, a small bloom of pride in her heart at the memory of her sister's protective fury at Tina. "But she told me I was beautiful, at least when I wasn't so thin, and that I was a wonderful person. And even though Mum and Dad had been saying that for months, it was only when Iz said it that I absolutely believed it. So everything slowly fell back into place. I started eating normally again, I grew my hair," Cassie reached up and ran her hand through the thick ringlets, "and life slowly became sweet again. And then I went back to teaching part-time in a local school which I loved. Mum was the one who suggested I go back to college to do the MA. She and Dad told me I was still young, but sooner or later I'd have to settle down and follow a career path and I should make the most of any opportunity. So they paid for me to study for a year, and honestly Cass, it was the most healing experience of my life. Literature and art has all the answers, you know?"
Cassie looked at her, nodding her understanding.
"I mean it, I know it sounds crazy. But if you look, all the answers are there. It was a wonderful year, and I'll forever be grateful to Mum and Dad for making it possible. I was finally able to understand what had happened to me, and to feel sorry for Tina."
"Feel sorry for her?" Cassie exploded.
Anna took her hand. "Yes, Cass," she said in a gentle voice. "Can you imagine how unhappy she must be, if she can only get her kicks that way? She'll never have the happiness I've got now, she'll never understand the meaning of true love. She'll never have someone like you."
"That's one thing I don't understand," Cassie took her hand. "You were so welcoming to me. Immediately. You weren't wary, or frightened. Or at least you didn't show it if you were. How come you were able to open up so completely to me? In your position, I'd have been terrified of ever letting myself be vulnerable again."
"I wasn't frightened," Anna said, "and I'm not quite sure why. I hadn't been with anyone since Tina, and I wasn't really looking for somebody. I was happy with the person I was. I'd finished my degree, and I was just spending some time exploring this amazing city before I go to Japan. But then I saw you. It sounds corny, sweetheart, but as soon as I saw you, I just knew. I wasn't sure I'd have the courage to say anything to you, but I knew immediately that I wanted you in my life for ever, even if it was only as a friend. I didn't know if you were gay, even. To start with I didn't care, I just enjoyed being in your company. But I was so angry with myself when I thought you'd left for France. Seeing you at the doorstep that night, wet and bedraggled, covered in dirt; you were the most beautiful sight I had ever seen."
"So you trust me never to let you down like that?" Cassie's voice was small.
"I trust you with my life, Cass," Anna said simply. "You are my life."
Cassie noticed that Anna had stopped shaking, and all the tension had gone from her face. She took her face in both hands, and kissed her softly. "Think you can sleep now?" she asked her tenderly.
Anna nodded. "What about you Cass?"
"We'll both sleep. And then we'll wake up. Together. We'll always be together Annie." Cassie helped her to lie down, and snuggled into her arms. "The future's bright, for us all."
"It is, Cass, it really is," Anna said.
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"I told you they'd love her," Janet told Sam as they hung up the phone. "They sound so nice, don't they?"
Sam nodded; she was preoccupied trying to get Toby on his leash. The dog was so excited at the prospect of going out that he wouldn't stay still.
"Once we're all settled, when you're back full time, and when Cass and Anna are living around here, we'll invite them all over, what d'you think?" Janet asked Sam. "Then they can see where they're living, check out in the in-laws, make sure they're happy with everything."
Sam had finally clipped the leash on the over-excited dog's collar. "That's a great idea baby. It was wonderful to talk to Cassie, she sounds so happy. Being with Anna's obviously good for her."
Janet hugged her tightly. "She just needed to find the right woman, Sam. Once you've got the right woman in your life, it's plain sailing."
Sam smiled. "You won't get any argument from me there!" she agreed.