Chapter 10: Downhill Spirals and a Notebook

Haiku

In the aftermath

Of a concealed betrayal

You are in ruins

Two days have passed since the revelation of an affair. Yesterday, Adrian and Dan were informed about the secret. Dan is in his bedroom, questioning the universe and why he's facing the aftermath of a giant lie. How could mom do this to me? How could she cheat on dad with the father of who I like? The truth is a nightmare that he can't escape from; there's a relationship that's highly impacting the lives of two families.

How are the twins doing? He believes that Phil and Fiona are feeling as if the world hates them too. Simon is withdrawn, barely able to leave his room except to eat, drink, take care of personal hygiene, and go to work. I don't think I've ever seen dad cry that much and beg mom not to leave him. He wants to be angry at his mother. He should want karma to hit his mother for devastating their family like this, but he can't. You can't force yourself not to love someone. Doesn't every protagonist in love stories say that they won't fall in love, but they fall in love anyway. It's harder to resist falling in love than to admit you are in love.

"Loving Johnathan was easy. Like your father, I fell in love with him because I found something in him that I could never find in another man." The explanation clarified a speck of doubt of whether or not Tabitha has true feelings for Mr. Lester. At least she isn't using him for money, like some mistresses are typically after (Louise has a thing for foreign soap operas, and it seems like every soap opera involving affairs of antagonistic women have intentions to be with the man for their money).

He thinks about Phil. His feelings for Phil are growing stronger every minute that he's with the raven-haired boy.

Tabitha is fighting for her love.

Maybe he should be doing the same.

~:~

On the lunch period of the first day of the school year's second semester, the eight friends sit around their lunch table. Five of the teens stare at Dan, Phil, and Fiona in complete shock. They can't believe what they are hearing. The trio had told them that they had something to tell them when school was back in session. For Louise, she didn't believe that what her friends was going to reveal would be this unexpected.

"Bu… Wh… HOW?" Joe sputters. "When the bloody hell did this happen?"

"Since last November," Fiona spats.

"Oh Fi…" Louise scoots closer to the female Lester twin and gives her a hug. How did we not see this coming? "So what are your parents gonna do about it?"

"I don't know." Fiona looks at everyone sadly. "After we found out, mom and dad told Phil and I they're gonna wait for things to cool down first before they talk."

Phil gazes down at the surface of the table. "I don't think they're ever gonna cool down. You all know that our parents are not the type to 'cool down.'"

"They'll have to if they care about us," Dan mutters. "They can't expect us to forget about it and pretend everything's fine. That's utter bullshit." He lets out a frustrated sigh. "I'm tired of seeing my dad act like he had a death wish. No offense Fiona and Phil, but if it wasn't for your mother, we wouldn't be in this mess."

"None taken," Fiona assures him. "The worst part is that your mom and my dad are in love. If they give up on their relationship, they're gonna be down in the sacks."

"But if they stay together, that's not good either," PJ points out.

"This is Love the Way You Lie in real life," Alfie joins in.

Zoe rolls her eyes, but stares at the trio in sympathy. "Eminem and Rihanna has nothing on their situation."

"So what kind of options do they have?" Louise asks. With all of the foreign soap operas that she has watched, a small part of her is delighted to see that affairs can happen in real life. Poor Mrs. Howell and Mr. Lester. I've seen what happens in those dramas.

Phil shrugs. "The best one I can think of is that my mom and dad get divorced. Fi and I prepared ourselves for that to happen for years. Even if there wasn't an affair, seeing my parents fight all the time can only mean that it's a matter of time until they decide they don't want to be married to each other anymore."

Dan stares at Phil. "And you'd be fine with that?"

Phil tilts his head up and looks at the entire group, then nods. "I want what's best for them, and what's best for them is to be away from each other for good."

~:~

During the last school period of the same day, Zoe sits in her chemistry class, listening to her teacher drone boringly about the class syllabus. While she and the rest of her friends are still coming down from their shock about three of her friends' dilemma, she's thinking that there's something else happening at the same time – something involving Dan and Phil.

I think Dan and Phil like each other. She plans to tell Louise about her hunch soon, knowing that a bit of Pentland insight could help her sort out her Sugg analysis. Since the time that Fiona confided in her and Louise about her crush on Dan (the boys were able to figure it out on their own, so when Fiona told them not too long after she told the girls, they were all doing their own I-knew-it reactions), she thought that Dan and Fiona would make a cool couple. She saw their comradery as sweet and witty, unlike her constant sarcastic comradery with Alfie the lovesick puppy.

Her opinion changed during the Halloween dance. When she caught Dan staring at Fiona while she and Phil danced, she questioned if Dan could be harboring feelings for Phil. Phil had acted casual about her comment, but the smiles that they shared at each other afterward confirmed her hunch. Dan and Phil smiled at each other in the way that she sees Matt smile at Louise. By the next day, Phan became her OTP.

She could be overthinking another analysis. Dan and Phil are closer than most friends. However, it doesn't mean that they don't have the hots for each other. I see the tension. I sense desire. I sense two people longing to be with each other. And since the weekend that the two boys attended the Muse concert, she noticed the increase of sneaky glances happening between them. The way that they look at each other seems as if they too are secret lovers.

She wonders if something happened at the concert. Could it be possible that Dan and Phil are already together and dating behind their backs?

~:~

On a Friday during his first week of college's spring semester, Anthony sits in his calculus class, concealing his phone underneath the table. The text that Fiona sent him has him concerned. She never texts him while they are at school. They have respective weekday agendas. Nighttime is usually the only time when they have time to call and text each other.

Fiona Lester: Need 2 talk 2 u. How soon can we meet?

He enjoys having Fiona as a friend. Even though she's still a high school junior, she has a brain that's college-ready. She's a girl that has AP English and honors physics. The only AP class that he took was for chemistry in his senior year, which he scraped by with a B-. Her intelligence is one of the things that he admires about her. She's smarter than his last two girlfriends combined.

He quickly sends her a text back. Today if you want. My house at 4? I wonder what she wants to talk about. Maybe she needs my help for a project or something. No… she wants to see me ASAP. It's gotta be more than a project.

Lost in his thoughts, the vibration of his phone startles him. Glancing down, he sees that she texted back. I'll be there

Fiona has been to Anthony and Ian's houses a few times. The two male friends want to go to her house too, but she insists that it's better if they hang elsewhere besides her home. "It's too messy and loud. Maybe another time." He presumed that she isn't ready to let them see her house yet, and he understands her perspective. Girls have their insecurities, and her house must be one of hers. She can be living in a beehive and I wouldn't care.

He hightails to his house as soon as he's done with classes for the day. Ian has a class that doesn't end until five PM. Unless his parents come home early from work (which is rarely), he'll be alone in the house. Whatever she has to tell him, at least they won't have to worry about anyone eavesdropping on him.

Fiona is sitting on the front porch when he parks his car in the garage. She has a somber expression on her face. When she sees him exit the car, the expression is quickly replaced by a smile. "Hi Anthony!"

"Hey." There's certainly something wrong. She's never this cheery. He unlocks the front door. She follows him inside, taking off her sandals and leaving her footwear next to the door. She gets settled on the couch as he goes to the kitchen and grabs two bottles of Sunny D from the fridge. He returns to the living room, sitting down next to her on the couch. He notices that she's still wearing her somber expression.

He cuts to the chase. "So what's going on? What do you want to tell me?"

She turns her head to look at him. "Wanna know the reason why I never let you and Ian come to my house?"

He nods. She's gonna tell me why. I didn't even have to pressure her.

"It's a long story," she starts. "It's mostly due to family problems. My home environment isn't safe for you and Ian sometimes, so I keep you two away so you aren't involved."

"Involved with what?" Please don't let it be drugs.

"With… fuck, this is hard."

"It's okay. Say it like you're ripping off a Band-Aid."

"You think you can take it?"

"How bad can it be?"

"Not bad. Scandalous." Scandalous? What is this? A Lindsay Lohan case?

She proceeds to tell me him her "scandalous" reason. During her explanation, he realizes why she calls it a scandal. She tells him about her less-than-perfect family life; her parents frequently fight with each other and she recently found out that her dad is cheating on her mom. What surprises him the most is how the woman that her dad is seeing is the mother of one of her friends.

"I've been feeling like shit for the past few days," she concludes. "I'm still a bit pissed, but I feel bad for my dad. I know how much he longs for love." A troubled expression crosses her face. "I don't get love. If people say it's the best emotion in the world, why does it bring nothing but terrible luck for me?"

He sits there like a fish flopping on sand. He doesn't know how to answer the question. This is a girl that grew up in a household that lacked love. All she has to lean on is her two siblings. He hasn't met them yet, but she has told him that she's very close with her twin brother than her older brother.

"Well… love isn't there for everyone" is his response. "Some people are happy without love. Your dad seems is the kind of person that needs love to be happy. I hope things will get better for you, because I don't like seeing you sad." He's choosing his words carefully. He doesn't want to say anything that'll diminish her perception of love down further.

"No one likes being sad," she agrees.

"Exactly."

She smiles. "Thanks, Anthony. Thanks for being a good friend. Ian too."

"You're welcome. Are you planning to tell Ian this story?"

She nods. "I'll call him and tell him about it."

"Sure thing. By the way, how did your friends react about your dad's affair?"

"They were very surprised," she replies. "Phil, Dan, and I weren't in a good mood that day, so I'm glad our friends took it well."

"Good." Friendship is important. It's why he and Ian have remained best friends since they first met when we were five. Family and friends are the golden people to be with when life gives you lemons. For her, friends are the only people she has with her situation.

She surprises him when she swings her arm around his neck, pulling him to a hug. Whoa. Hot girl hugging me.

"You're a good listener," she says. "I gotta introduce you to my friends. I bet you'll get along with them."

Of course I will. If I like Fiona, I'll like her friends too. "I'll take that bet."

He loves having her as a part of his life. Her problems are his problems. Meeting her at Best Buy is one of the best things that ever happened to me, and I promise to be there for her when she needs me.

~:~

It's lunchtime on the 30th of January, the 17th birthday of the twins. The group is sitting at their lunch table, giving their birthday presents to Phil and Fiona. The affair is still looming like a dark cloud between the Howells and Lesters, so the six teens are using the twins' birthday to provide a bit of happiness to the sibling pair.

Dan pushes two small wrapped boxes toward Phil and Fiona. "Here's mine."

Phil grabs the box with blue wrapping paper, while Fiona takes the box with red wrapping paper. They say a quick thanks to Dan, then rip open the wrapping paper.

"Oh my god!" Fiona squeals, holding up a key chain with a pale blue peace sign charm.

"Where'd you get this?" Phil asks in awe, marveling his own chain, but with a black music note charm.

"EBay," Dan replies. "I was searching for trinkets online and I found those I knew you two would love."

"I love it." Fiona leaps up from her seat and swings her arms around Dan's neck. "Thank you so much!"

Phil looks between the two of them, nodding his thanks. He buries his slight discomfort of watching his sister freely hugging the boy that he should be embracing.

Dan returns Fiona's hug, wishing that it was Phil that hugged him.

Their mutual longing is as big a secret as their parents' affair. Similar to the affair, exposure of Dan and Phil's feelings to each other can destroy their loved ones.

~:~

Martyn sits in a movie theater with three of his friends from college. While Phil and Fiona are trying their best to remain civil with their parents, he's trying to be away from his parents as much as possible. Whenever he's around them, he has to hold himself back from saying something that he'll regret. I hate my life. Why the hell was I born in a fucked-up family? It's because of them that he doesn't know what will happen to them, and he's powerless to do anything about it.

I wonder what Mrs. Howell is like. Before he found out about the affair (his dad told him the next day following the fighting that he heard from the previous night), he heard nothing but good things from the twins about their friend's mother. From what he gathered, Mrs. Howell is nothing like his own mother. Maybe dad should stay with Mrs. Howell. Maybe then I could trade my mom for someone that'll treat me like a son.

He should take his dad's advice and move out. He's an adult. He's in college. He gets a paycheck every month (he works part-time at a McDonald's). If he can convince one of his friends to live with him, he can rent an apartment. He's aware of a two-bedroom apartment available a few blocks away from his college.

The twins are two years away from turning 18 and graduating. He'll wait until his siblings are of legal age so they can escape their personal prison. He'll take them away from here, away to a place where no one will punish him for being a delinquent.

The three of them don't deserve to stay in a broken home.

They shouldn't be around the people that holds them back from what they want to do with their lives.

~:~

On the first week of February, Alfie and Joe are roaming the aisles of their favorite stationary store. Valentine's Day is coming up, and Alfie decided to give Zoe something that doesn't involve a typical Valentine's Day gift. Instead of going for flowers or chocolate, he wanted to be a little daring and try to be a bad boy. Joe, on the other hand, believes that Alfie's plan is ludicrous and could get them arrested if they aren't careful.

"Found what you need yet?" Joe asks Alfie, who is perusing the shelves that contains various folders, notebooks, and drawing pads. He and Alfie could have waited for their paycheck at Lilly's to come in so Alfie could have purchased a notebook without involvement of security guards and a possible phone call to their parents.

"Don't rain on my parade," Alfie sulks when Joe tried to talk his best friend out of the plan. "If I'm gonna get Zoe to notice me, this is the way to do it." Jail, here I come.

"Perfect." Alfie pulls out a hardcover spiraled notebook with a purple and sky blue checkered print. He opens the notebook to make sure there are no lines in it. "Zoe won't know what hit her."

Joe eyes the notebook. Zoe mentioned the other day that her personal drawing pad was a few more pages away of being completely filled. She was supposed to visit the stationary store to purchase a new one over the weekend. However, Alfie took the piece of information as his perfect Valentine's Day present for Zoe. "I'll be doing her a favor, and as long as we're friends, she'll have to accept it."

The pastel colors matches Zoe's artistic style. Joe grins. If only his sister's stubbornness can stop masking the portion of her heart that could be capable of loving his best friend back. "Cool." He lowers his voice. "Now can we go? I'm getting nervous, and I'm not the one that came up with the crazy plan."

"I know. Now be quiet." Alfie gets back up in a proper standing position. "Follow me."

The two boys leave the aisle. They stop at a corner of the store where there are no security cameras aimed in their direction. They've been to this store many times over the years for their school supply needs. They know the it's and out's of the small building. Plus, Louise's mother is the manager of the store and she has given the friends numerous discounts during back-to-school season. But it doesn't matter if the two boys are acquainted with the store's manager. If they steal anything, Mrs. Pentland won't cover for them.

"You're still an idiot," Joe mumbles. Alfie is behind him, indiscreetly taking off the price tag and scanning sticker on the notebook. The only way they can get away with looting from the store is to take necessary precautions. There are some items in the store that don't have scanning stickers on them, but a notebook isn't one of them. Fortunately, it's easy to get rid of the sticker and its adjoining price tag.

"Done." Alfie crumpled up the two flimsy items. "Is anyone looking?"

Joe glances at their surroundings. There are people milling at other aisles, though none of them are aware of the boys' criminal activity. This is too easy. Too easy that I'm more scared that we will fuck up. I'm too young to be in prison!

"We're in the clear," he whispers. "Put it in your bag and let's get out of here."

With a quick look around, Alfie nods, quietly opening the main pocket of his backpack and shoves the notebook inside. "Go, go, go. Wait, did you want anything else?"

"Yes." Joe walks away from the corner. "But I'll get my pens and 0.7 lead the old-fashioned way and buying them with my own hard earned cash."

"Cash you earned from your parents," Alfie points out. He's not wrong. I'm getting my paycheck from bosses related to me by blood.

"Whatever." Joe picks up three black gel pens and a three-pack of 0.7 lead. It's too late to chicken out now. But he can't walk out the store without doing some sort of good deed to balance out their bad one. After all, if their plan succeeds, he's officially the apprentice of a teenage shoplifter.

At the checkout counter, Alfie motions to the door. "I'll wait for you outside."

"Okay," Joe says nonchalantly. The cameras can see them now. You're a regular customer, so act like one. As he stands in line, he watches Alfie anxiously. The plan will be foiled if the security alarms go off. He strives to maintain his cool composure once he's finally at the register. The checkout lady takes care of his purchases, and he takes one more look at Alfie. Alfie is safely outside, grinning at him.

"We did it," Alfie mouths. You still could've done it without me.

"That'll be $9.32," the checkout lady tells Joe, and he gives her a 10 dollar bill. Two glorious minutes later, he releases a relieved breath when he strolls out the store with a paper bag of his pens and lead pack.

Alfie beams. "That wasn't so hard. I believe an apology is in order."

Joe flips him off. "I'll apologize when Zoe is all over you when you give her that on Valentine's Day." Zoe better appreciate what we just did. I could've spent Valentine's Day in a cage if we failed.

~:~

Meanwhile, in a bedroom of the Lester residence, Martyn stares blankly at the ceiling, ignoring the itchiness of his throat and the growling of his stomach. For someone like him, he thinks that he doesn't need two out of three of the basic requirements of survival. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.

Nothing is changing. His grades are fluctuating between B's and C's. Better than straight C's from high school. His job still sucks. When does working in fast food never suck? His ex-girlfriend is still screwing around with his ex-best friend. His parents aren't making up anytime soon. His sister is still crushing on a boy that doesn't have a remote interest in her. She won't believe me if I tell her that. His brother is still a scaredy cat that doesn't have the balls to get out there and go on a date with someone. Not counting Siri. He's keeping up his I-don't-give-a-fuck attitude around his family, even though he's secretly caring about the problems that everyone is going through.

His attitude is a ruse. It's his way of being true to himself without anyone influencing him that he should be a "good boy." Good boys are complete pussies. No wonder girls fall for bad boys. When he converted to his bad boy persona in high school, girls fawned over him. Once the awkward part of puberty was over, he made use of his new looks. He partied, slept with many girls, and was still able to scrape by high school with a 3.0. At 19, he made a fresh start in college so he could finally take his future seriously.

If only his own mother believed that his priorities changed. As long as he doesn't give up partying with his frat buddies and sleeping over at other friends' house, it doesn't matter if he's doing well in school. "Maybe if you don't drink, you'll get A's like your brother and sister."

It always comes down to his siblings. Despite his mother's constant comparison to the twins, he cares about the Phil and Fiona. He envies them. They have semi-popularity, great looks, and intelligence all rolled into one. When he was in high school, he depended on his looks and athleticism to stay in the popular crowd. There were perks to being a star basketball player. But acceptance amongst his peers doesn't match up to his yearning for his mom's love. He wants to be shown compassion, and the love by his mom is far from the compassion that he dreamed about. If he can feel it from his father, he deserves to feel it from his mother too.

There's only one way that he can get her attention. A mother's love intensifies beyond death. Once he's gone, he bets that his death will be the driving force that can draw out the compassion from his mom. How should I die? A knife? A gun? Hanging myself? Drug overdose? Getting run over by a train? It doesn't matter how he would die. Once his heart stops beating, he's gone to the world.

He closes his eyes. Who cares if I'm being irrational? No one cares about me anyway.

~:~

At 4:56 AM on a Wednesday morning, Simon's shoe-covered feet makes quiet steps across the living room of the Howell household. The luggage is in his car. His phone is in his slacks' back pocket. A note is taped on the refrigerator. His eyes sadly takes one last look around the house. If he leaves now, he can still have time to book a hotel room before heading to work. I have to do this.

He doesn't want to stay in his home any longer. The tension is chewing holes in his chest. It's difficult for him to come home every day anticipating whether or not Johnathan will be in bed with his wife. Since the exposure of their affair, Tabitha cut off contact with Johnathan. She wished to give her secret lover some space until they are ready to talk about what happens next. Knowing her, she'll most likely choose to break their relationship off. She was always the one that would sacrifice what she wants for the sake of her family.

As much as it hurts, he doesn't want Tabitha to break Johnathan's heart. Johnathan loves her. It isn't fair for her to stay with him and their children if her heart belongs to someone else. If she wants Johnathan, then Simon will let her be with him. For that decision to be made by Tabitha, he has to take himself out of the picture. He has to walk away from their marriage.

He reins in his tears until he's outside and he goes inside his car. The tears finally spill from his eyes when he's driving down the neighborhood, further away from the woman that has made him a wreck.

~:~

Two hours after Simon left his house, Tabitha and her two sons are reading the note left behind by Simon. Adrian clings to his Dan's waist. The note left behind by Simon confirms what Adrian was afraid would happen.

To Tabitha, Dan, and Adrian,

Please don't try to look for me. I'll be gone for a while. If there's an emergency, you know what my cell phone number is.

I assure you, I will come back. But I need to be alone for a while. With what is going on, it's not good for me to stay at home.

I'm so sorry.

Love,

Simon

"So I don't have a dad?" Adrian whimpers. What if dad's promise to come home someday isn't true? What if dad is a liar like his mom?

"Shhh…" Dan hushes. "It's not like that. Dad… went on a business trip."

He scoffs. "Business trip? I'm not an idiot. Dad left us because of mom." He glares at Tabitha, who is staring at the note with glassy eyes. He's still pissed off about the affair. "Your mother is seeing someone new."

Mom had an affair with Phil and Fiona's dad. Two married people were fooling around with each other for the last several weeks. Valentine's Day is in two days and his opinions about love is filled with bitter perspectives about how love brings nothing but lies.

"Adrian. Dan." Tabitha puts the note down on the kitchen table. "Why don't you go eat breakfast?"

Dan nods, a jerky up and down motion of his head. Adrian rolls his eyes. Mom doesn't even want to talk about it? "I'll pass."

"But I made pancakes," Tabitha protests.

"I'll eat at school." He lets go of Dan, shoves his mom aside, and stomps up the stairs. Food is the least of his concern. Don't worry, dad. Remember when you told me never to cheat in life? Turns out I don't need to do that. Mom is doing a great job at being a cheater.

~:~

Later on that same day, Simon and a woman stand in a dark hotel room. Their hands are all over each other. Her fingers deftly unbuttons his button-down shirt. His palms reaches underneath her dress and grabs a handful of her butt. In a minute, their clothes are strewn on various places on the floor. For the next hour, the room is filled with breathy whispers, moans, and groans.

Tabitha who?

When they Don't finished, his arms hold the woman close to his body. She draws lazy patterns on his chest, humming in contentment.

"Thank you," he murmurs, kissing her forehead. After the tears he shed this morning, he needed something like this to repel his mind away from his problems.

She smiles. "You're welcome." She brings one hand up to stroke his cheek. "I'm really sorry about what's happening with your family."

"Don't be." Tabitha should be the one that's sorry.

"I know," she says with a sigh. "But you're still married."

"It doesn't matter." She lied to me. She destroyed us. This is my way to heal myself. "Let's not talk about that, alright?"

They fall asleep that night with a burden carried on both of their shoulders. The law firm doesn't have to know that his working relationship with a co-worker isn't platonic outside the building. It's his life. Beyond the office, no one can control him.

~:~

They sit on a park bench a day after Simon's departure, a gloomy tension between them. Tabitha has told Johnathan that they can't see each other anymore. For Johnathan, letting her go is the most difficult thing that he's being asked to do. There's no point to convince her otherwise. Her husband left because of him.

"Can we… still be friends?" he asks her, his voice hoarse with the tears that he's holding back.

She shakes her head. "We've brought enough turmoil to our families. It's better if we leave friendship to our sons than with each other."

All he can do is nod miserably. Sacrificing is all he has done since Susan became a part of his life.

It's another sacrifice. Nothing I haven't already done. he thinks miserably.

At least he's giving up on love for the sake of Phil and Dan's friendship. His son's happiness always comes first before his.

~:~

She stares at her husband in satisfaction. I knew you'd choose me over that gold digger. Johnathan has told Susan and the twins about his and Tabitha's decision to stop seeing each other. Susan keeps a straight face, although she's smirking in the inside. It was obvious that she was right about Tabitha being the wrong woman for him.

"However," Johnathan says, looking at Phil and Fiona. "My business with Tabitha has nothing to do with Dan, so I won't ask you two to stop seeing him."

Susan remains silent. She has nothing against Dan, but she won't entirely enjoy the fact that her children are still associated with the enemy. For now, she's content. With Tabitha out of Johnathan's life, she can no longer interfere with her family and her marriage.

I didn't want to do this to Tabitha and Johnathan, but I had to. Dramas aren't complete without heartbreaking breakups.

So who is the woman that Simon slept with? You'll find out a little later. I know there was a lack of Phan moments in this chapter, but this chapter had to be mostly focused on how the affair is affecting everyone. After all, once you cheat, you can't take back your action. Trust me though. The Phan moments will return in the next chapter.

~ AA