It was an uneventful day so far, with the usual gossiping and fake concern from Caroline. I did not have the pleasure of meeting with Elizabeth since last night so I presume she spent most of her time in the company of her sister. It was only in the evening when Elizabeth joined us in the drawing room while I was preoccupied with writing a letter to my beloved sister.
I wonder how is Georgina doing with her new companion, Mrs Annesley. What could they be doing right now? Perhaps playing a duet on the pianoforte? Or enjoying some light reading together? I just hope Georgina will re-emerge from her shattered shell with the help of Mrs Annesley. What happened in Ramsgate was too heavy a blow for a sheltered girl who had not come out in society then. I pray that she will be in a much better state than how I left her in when Bingley invited me to Netherfield.
I put a lot of thought and love in letters to my sister, which requires my utmost focus and concentration, yet Caroline seems to be judging me for every little thing. Can you just leave me alone to write my letter? Every time she tries to flatter Georgina or compliment me, I try not to roll my eyes.
"How delighted Miss Darcy would be to receive such a letter!" Tell me something I do not already know, would you? I know I dote too much on Georgina.
"You write uncommonly fast." What an interesting observation, Caroline. Pray, do you not have anything better to say?
"How many letters you must have occasion to write in the course of a year! Letters of business, too! How odious I should think them!" I wish I could simply ignore her, but I have no choice but to show her due respect as hostess.
"Pray tell your sister that I long to see her." That is already the third time you have said that! Although I only told Georgina once, it is not my fault that Georgina does not long to see you.
"I am afraid you do not like your pen. Let me mend it for you. I mend pens remarkably well." Excuse you, I have been using this pen for the last five years and I certainly do not find any problem with it. I would rather not entrust any of my belongings to you, Caroline. And mending pens is not one of the qualities an accomplished woman should possess in my opinion, so stop embarrassing yourself.
"How can you contrive to write so even?" What kind of trivial questions are these? I decided to keep quiet to see if she would continue to bug me if I refused to answer.
"Tell your sister I am delighted to hear of her improvement on the harp; and pray let her know that I am quite in raptures with her beautiful little design for a table, and I think it infinitely superior to Miss Grantley's." Pray, I truly have no care for what you think! A pity that my subdued reply did my anger no justice.
I thought that would finally silence her, but nay, she continues to ask me about my long letters. Then she comes to the conclusion that anyone who is comfortable with writing long letters can write very well. What logic is this? I do not see how this is a compliment at all. Instead, I find her statement utterly ludicrous, which further reinforces the point that she lacks true intellect. Unlike my Elizabeth!
I am happy to say that Bingley has come to my rescue again. Oh never mind, he is trying to insult my writing style. I take back my gratitude. At least his addition to the conversation distracts Caroline for a bit. She insults Bingley's messy handwriting to which he attributes to his rapid flow of ideas. And guess who speaks? I suppose she was itching for some conversation of sorts but the pitiful way that Caroline and I were engaging in must have been a source of private mockery for her.
"Your humility, Mr Bingley, must disarm reproof," said Elizabeth.
"Nothing is more deceitful than the appearance of humility. It is often only carelessness of opinion, and sometimes an indirect boast." I quickly answered, smiling at Bingley. I hope he understands that I do not wish to offend him. I am just using him as a subject of argument with Elizabeth.
"And which of the two do you call my little recent piece of modesty?" Bingley flashed a cheeky grin back. Bingley, Elizabeth and I continued on a dispute in which Caroline had no share whatsoever. In an attempt to end the argument perhaps, Bingley actually told Elizabeth that if I were not such a great tall fellow, he would not show me half as much respect! And he called me more than an awful object! Is there anything wrong with finding solace in my own house? And cherishing my precious free time on Sunday evenings?
Rather offended, I only smiled and counted to ten in my head. Elizabeth let out a restrained laugh. Remember to breathe, Darcy.
"Charles, how could you say such a thing of Mr Darcy? I believe he owns the
pleasure of behaving however he wishes to in his own house and in his own time." Caroline stared daggers at Bingley. But I am calm now.
"I see your design, Bingley. You dislike an argument and you wish to silence this."
"Perhaps I do. Arguments are too much like disputes. If you and Miss Bennet will defer yours till I am out of the room, I shall be very thankful; and then you may say whatever you like of me." Fine, Bingley. Be the peace-loving soul that you are.
"What you ask is no sacrifice on my side and Mr Darcy had much better finish his letter," Elizabeth said and so I did. With no more interrogation from Caroline, I was better equipped with the proper state of mind to finish my letter.
"Miss Bingley and Miss Elizabeth, would you ladies do us the pleasure of indulging us in some music?" I would wish for Elizabeth to be the one playing, but that request would be too obvious to even my dense company. As I expected, Caroline rose and rushed to the pianoforte before she recalled the presence of the other and invited Elizabeth to lead the way. To my displeasure, Elizabeth shook her head and declined, allowing Caroline to flaunt herself again. Louisa sang with Caroline as Elizabeth flipped through some music books scattered on the instrument.
Admiring her figure, I silently listed her favourable qualities before I stopped after "Shows unconditional love and care towards her family". Her family. Every time I try to imagine a future shared by both of us, her family always shows up and destroys the perfect image I had in mind.
In one of the many dreams I had involving Elizabeth, we were watching a Shakespeare play together when her sisters and mother rushed up on stage and chased after a certain male actor, who jumped off the stage and ran out of the theatre. Fingers were banging a series of dissonant piano chords off-stage and the scriptwriter dashed out to try to calm the raging crowd. It was Mr Bennet! After seeing his wife and daughters made a fool of themselves, he only sighed deeply and turned back the way he came from. Furious that the show was so rudely interrupted by a bunch of inconsiderate ladies, the crowd started throwing their belongings at the stage. Elizabeth's cries filled my ears and I had woken up in cold sweat that morning. That was one of the worst dreams I ever had and I could not help but question if that was an analogy of our fates.
Will Elizabeth forever be burdened by her family? Will Elizabeth forever be out of my reach? Will Elizabeth ever be mine?
Depressing thoughts indeed. Fortunately, the change of music brought about a change of mood with a little flame of hope and courage.
"Do not you feel a great inclination, Miss Bennet, to seize such an opportunity of dancing a reel?" I regretted saying it as soon as I did. What possessed me to do such a impertinent thing? Elizabeth is the one, not me. Worst still, Elizabeth smiled with no reply. Rejection, it must be. Or perhaps Caroline's playing had drowned out my voice?
I repeated my question and she said, "Oh! I heard you before, but I could not immediately determine what to say in reply. You wanted me, I know, to say 'Yes,' that you might have the pleasure of despising my taste; but I always delight in overthrowing those kinds of schemes, and cheating a person of their premeditated contempt. I have, therefore, made up my mind to tell you, that I do not want to dance a reel at all—and now despise me if you dare." To be misunderstood to such a degree! How could you think that I would ever despise you, Elizabeth?
"Indeed I do not dare." I cannot believe she denied me of dancing with me again. Pray, when am I ever going to get the chance to dance with her? Yet, who could be offended by that teasing face?
Remember her family, Darcy? Recall your nightmare! I realised that if not for them, there would be no scruples in seriously courting Elizabeth for marriage. Damn, it seems like my mind also jumps from admiration to love, from love to marriage! I am not a lady, I should not be thinking of such matters like one!
"Miss Elizabeth, should you not check on dear Jane again? I do wish for her to be recovered enough to join our company." Caroline stopped playing and turned to Elizabeth. Elizabeth quickly excused herself back to Miss Bennet's side for the rest of the night. If that was not evident enough of her jealousy, she relentlessly provoked me to dislike Elizabeth by talking our supposed marriage and my happiness. It should not have affected me, but it did, unfortunately.
Caroline's words made me more despondent, knowing that something I so earnestly desire can never come to fruition because of our different social standing and connections. It did not make me dislike Elizabeth more, it made me want her more, I dare say.
The next day, while Caroline intruded on my solitary walk in the shrubbery and started gossiping again, we met Louisa walking with Elizabeth.
"I did not know you intended to walk," Caroline sputtered out, most likely fearing that she had been caught red-handed by her victim herself. Louisa berated her for abandoning the two of them and hurriedly took my disengaged arm, leaving Elizabeth behind. I felt a rush of embarrassment. Why are these two ladies clouding my gentleman hue with their obnoxiousness? Elizabeth is going to have a bad impression of me if I do not do something.
"This walk is not wide enough for our party. We had better go into the avenue." I said quickly, looking at Elizabeth for her reaction. But she rejected me again. She laughingly said that the three of us looked charming walking together and left me in the clutches of the two evil sisters. How could you do this to me, Elizabeth? I very much rather walk with you in the shrubbery... I decided to take a shortcut back to the house to rid myself of Caroline and Louisa as soon as possible. I did not have any mood to walk anymore. I just wanted the company of my thoughts.
Returning to my room, I sat down on the armchair facing the window. Such an appropriate setting for serious contemplations. What am I going to do about Elizabeth? How am I going to endure Caroline once she and Miss Bennet leave Netherfield? How am I going to survive the rest of my life at all?
Unable to produce any answer at all, I tossed and turned in my bed that night, my thoughts swirling around in a murky puddle. I gave thanks for the comforting albeit temporary presence of our guests and my mind settled down a considerable amount, allowing me to finally rest after all the events of the day.
A/N: Don't forget to vote and comment if you enjoyed this chapter, thank you!