When there are no delegations and negotiations and no frenemies like Hux lurking about, Bast Castle is quiet again. And life with Kylo Ren can seem surprisingly mundane. Like a sitcom on the holonet called 'Honey, I'm Home from the First Order,' the conquering hero returns to his castle to conventional domesticity.
These are the days Rey waits at the landing platform with Milo and Han for Kylo's shuttle to land. Then Han is jumping up and down and running to Daddy as the amused Stormtroopers part for him to pass. These are the days when the First Knight wanders in shirtless and rumpled at breakfast rubbing sleep from his eyes. He's three cups of caf down before Rey has finished her one and his nose is buried in his datapad. But don't be fooled because he's following every bit of what occurs in the room.
These are the days when Rey can almost forget why she is here and how her beloved son came about, who Kylo Ren truly is and what he has done. It all gets buried in the comfort of routine and the quiet luxury that is private life at Bast Castle.
And since Rey can't change any of it, she won't fight it. It's a lesson from Jakku: pick the battles you fight and when you fight them. Pick a fight with Unkar Plutt? Not if you want portions or salt tablets. Pick a fight with Kylo Ren? Well, ask Chandrila what happens. Kylo Ren and Bast Castle are like so much else in Rey's life. She will tolerate it and make the best of it.
One day, Kylo takes to dropping in on Han's bedtime. The first time it happens, Rey is caught completely unaware. "Get back here you!" she hollers grumpily from the refresher doorway, holding the towel Han has wiggled out of. Han is running around the nursery stark naked and wet from his bath. Thrilled to have eluded Mommy once more. On his next pass by the door, Rey snatches him up high over her head. "Gotcha!"
Over the boy's squeals, she recognizes Kylo's snickering laugh. He's standing in the nursery doorway observing it all. Including her. His eyes pass over her hair piled haphazardly in a clip, her long sleeves rolled up past her elbows and the utilitarian kitchen apron worn to protect her elegant dress. It's her Bathtime Mommy Princess look, according to Han. Kylo laughs harder.
The tables are turned when little Han is dressed and ready for his bedtime story. "Daddy read it!" he insists. With a sly look, Rey rushes to agree with this plan. She can't wait to see how Kylo's dignity survives If You Give a Bothan a Bantha. To his credit, Kylo dutifully begins. He doesn't get far when Han starts screaming "Jawa! Jawa!" Wrong book. "Here," Rey grabs the holoreader and makes another choice. It's the usual favorite. One Jawa, Two Jawa, Red Jawa, Blue Jawa.
There's something incongruous but endearing about seeing this moment. Han's eyes are heavy as he snuggles up on Kylo. But he's listening intently and he corrects his father when he skips ahead a page. Han has the story memorized and the little tyrant will tolerate no deviations. When the book is read, it's time for bed and she collects Han from Kylo's lap. The boy looks down at his father and announces firmly, "Daddy, leave us. You are dismissed." Rey can't quite smother her laughter at the surprised look on Kylo's face. Like his father, Han is quick to command.
The boy brings up ghosts for Kylo. Mostly, it's bitter criticism of his mother. Rey learns that Leia Organa was away much of the time, and even when she was present she wasn't a very hands-on mother. There were probably many good reasons for this, but none of them were understood by the child Ben Solo. The grown man Kylo Ren only remembers distance and rejection. So when Kylo catches Rey up to her elbows in bath water or cutting up Han's dinner into bite sized pieces, Rey comes to realize that what she's seeing is his smirking approval, not his mocking ridicule.
It encourages her. Most days, Rey feels like she is a lackluster mother at best. She's winging it, having never had a mother of her own to use as an example.
Kylo isn't alone in wanting to redress the wrongs of his own childhood for Han. Rey, too, is captive to her own experience. If she is overprotective, it's because no one was ever there to pick her up, dust her off and kiss it better. And maybe it's foolhardy to be encouraging Kylo Ren's influence, but he is Han's father. And any father is better than no father, she thinks.
"Have you always wanted children?" Kylo asks her one night after they have turned out the nursery light and shut the door.
Rey thinks a moment. "I have always wanted a family," she tells him. "When I was growing up, I used to imagine having someone to look after me. Now, I have a child and it's my job to do the caring." She flashes him a sad smile. "I never got my wish for someone to take care of me."
Kylo scoffs at this. "You are very capable, Rey. I can't see you ever needing much help in life."
"It's true that I am very independent," she agrees with this assessment. In fact, she's proud of it. "But just because you can do it all on your own, doesn't mean that you want it like that all of the time. It would be nice to have someone to lean on. Maybe every now and then."
Rey asks him the same question. "What about you? Do you think you'll find a Mrs. Ren soon and give Han some half siblings?"
"I don't know," Kylo answers slowly. He gives her a searching look. "Do you think I should?"
"Oh, I definitely think you should." Rey grins deviously. "That's my best chance of getting out of here, you know. I can't see your future First Order princess wanting Han and I hanging around. Aww-kward." She laughs at the thought. "Plus there's the whole Vader legacy to pass on. Kylo, you need at least a couple of legitimate kids to name Anakin and Padme."
"Do you still want to leave me, Rey?" Something in his tone wipes the smile from her face and her laughter dies in her mouth. Kylo looks . . . vulnerable. It's so at odds with the commanding man she knows that for an instant it frightens Rey.
She misinterprets his meaning. "If we left, you would always be in Han's life, Kylo. He wants his father—I see that. And he will need someone to help him with the Force."
"I'm not asking about the boy, Rey. I'm asking about you."
"Oh," is all she can say in the moment. Rey whirls away from him. She can't think straight with those dark eyes of his boring into her.
Does she still want to leave Bast? Well, of course. It's the epicenter of the First Order galactic domination strategy and it's basically a glorified prison. But she's lived in far worse places and Rey has everything she and Han could ever want except for freedom. Is she desperate to leave? No. Would she prefer to leave? Yes, but not without Han. Could she stay here forever if this was the only way to keep Han? Yes, she could. Rey could tolerate almost anything to keep Han. Even Kylo Ren.
Kylo places his hands on her upper arms and he is standing close behind her. His breath is soft on her neck and his lips nearly upon her ear. "Here all three of us are together. This is the way it should be." He's holding her from behind now, hugging her close with his chin resting on her head. It's . . . nice. Not threatening, just comforting. Big, strong arms are holding her close. These are the arms that must have held her down on the Starkiller, she knows. But right now, they feel good. Rey closes her eyes and sags back against him. She could get used to this.
"Yes," she sighs, "some days it's almost like we're a real family." Except they are not. She's his prisoner, he's her rapist. It's . . . complicated.
Kylo chuckles at this. "Who knew we could be normal? There's nothing normal about you or I."
Rey agrees with this assessment. "You're right," she sighs. But let me pretend, she thinks.
And then, apparently, Kylo can't help himself and he has to go and ruin the moment.
He releases her and steps back. The intimate, teasing voice is gone. The monotone voice of command is back. "Show me that you are grateful that I keep you here. Show me that you want to stay with our son. Kiss me, Rey."
It's been months now, but they have played this scene twice before. Kylo's ultimatum is a show of dominance but it also feels like a plea for attention. One of the unfathomable contradictions that is Kylo Ren. Some small secret part of Rey thrills to hear Kylo Ren demand her kiss. She has something he wants. It makes her feel reckless. Powerful even.
So she tells him no.
"I'm not playing these games any more. It's been a long day. I'm going to bed." Don't start with this shit again, Kylo. Without even turning around, Rey sets off back down the hall to her room.
She gets about five steps before she is frozen in place mid-stride. Kylo has wrapped his power around her and she is immobilized. Just like he had done on Takodano the first time they met. Damn, how she hates the Force. Then, he's doing that weird circling her thing he did once before. This time it makes Rey feel like she's being stalked and it's unnerving. She can't move a muscle right now. Rey can't even flinch as he reaches out to cup her face with his hand.
"I can't sleep with you next door." Kylo has moved even closer and he's cupping her face with both hands now. His forehead is bent to touch hers. Rey is stuck staring at him in wondrous fascination because she is frozen and can't look away. "I close my eyes and I can feel your Light calling to me, Rey. I am drawn to your power." His voice sounds almost defeated. Like he is admitting something to her.
He breaks his Force hold and she stumbles slightly and somehow he catches her up into his arms and her feet leave the ground.
"Put me down!" Rey growls at him and immediately starts kicking and twisting.
This is not how Rey thought this evening would go. Just a few minutes ago they were putting their cranky toddler to bed for the night. Then, they would go their separate ways as usual. And Rey would have some rations for dinner, maybe watch a cheesy holovid and then sleep.
But now she is getting carried off by Kylo Ren.
"Don't fight it, Rey. I have been so patient for you." His long strides move fast and he's down the hall and through the door and suddenly she's in Kylo's room.
Rey's elbow finally connects with Kylo's chin. Hard. He puts her down.
She stands before him, her head tipped back and her mind racing. Kylo is looking at her as if he might devour her whole. She needs to get out of here before things get out of hand. There will no Hux to walk in and interrupt this time. "What do you think you are doing?" she demands.
"This."
His mouth comes down on hers before she can react. It feels as if all the looming intensity that is Kylo Ren has been distilled into this kiss. It's hot and dark and it scorches her. This man is Sith. Beneath his veneer of civility lurks a beast unashamed to lust for power and to lust for blood.
But tonight, he lusts for her.
Rey yields her mouth to him completely. There is a vehemence to this man and to his desire. He outright demands that she capitulates. And in a moment of weakness, Rey does.
Oh, stars, is that her moaning? No, no, no. Rey needs to stop this. Now. Before Kylo thinks that she wants this. But, oh, this man's mouth tastes like heaven. And his lips are soft. So soft, she wouldn't mind feeling them on her—stop thinking like that!
Kylo has found the zipper at the nape of her neck and in two seconds it's down and her dress is falling around her shoulders. "Let me look on you," he commands. Rey is busy grabbing at the fabric while Kylo is busy sucking on her collarbone and dragging his hot mouth over her shoulder. Rey stops fumbling with her dress when she feels Kylo's fingers creep over and then under! the lacy bralette she has on. Then he is walking her backwards and Rey is more focused on keeping her clothes on than resisting. That's a mistake because suddenly she tumbles backwards halfway onto his bed.
Her dress is at her waist, the bralette is off and Kylo Ren is laving his tongue across her bare nipples. "They're perfect," he breathes out as he skims over her petite breasts. He's doing that thing he did on the couch weeks ago when he bites her and then sucks. Gods help her, because Rey's head is thrown back and her torso is arching to give him better access. She whimpers. This is all wrong and it needs to stop now. But, oh. That's feels good. Don't stop, Kylo. Not yet.
He is wearing a black shirt and trousers today, and not his uniform. He pulls back for a moment to wrench his shirt over his head. Rey has been taking covert peaks at his naked chest over breakfast for months now, but running her hands over all that solid muscle is much more satisfying. And the gleam in his eye when she does this makes something in her twist with longing.
Then his mouth claims hers once again. Rey is so caught up in his rapturous kiss that she doesn't notice his hand hiking up her long skirt until it's too late. Belatedly she realizes that this is the same two-pronged diversionary assault strategy he used on Correllia. It's just as successful for him this time. Kylo is propped on one elbow stroking her hair as he kisses her senseless and the other hand is lurking up her skirt stroking ever higher on her thigh.
This is what General Hux had warned her about. Rey is leading Kylo on and it's not safe. Ren is not a man to toy with, Hux had told her. It is good advice. Hux knows his rival well.
"Hux? You're thinking of Hux!" Kylo drags himself roughly from her mouth and his eyes are hard with accusation as he glares down at her. Outrage oozing from his every pore.
Well, that broke the mood.
Rey hesitates a moment as she is jolted back to reality. Her hands fall back from Kylo's chest and he grabs them both, pinning her to the bed.
He shakes her. "You're here with me now thinking of Hux?"
Rey screws up her face. How had he figured that out? Oh. Right. "Get out of my head, Kylo! NOW!" she snaps back at him.
"I'm not in your head! You mind is always open and usually shrieking at me. It's easier to peak into your thoughts than it is to peak under your skirt, Rey." He pushes off of her in disgust and stalks across the room. "You need a teacher!" he rails at her hotly. "You are way too powerful to be this transparent to me."
Rey stares at him a moment. She's confused if Kylo is mad because she was thinking of Hux or mad because he could tell she was thinking of Hux.
It doesn't matter. This is her chance to flee. Rey is not going to squander it. She simultaneously pulls her dress down her legs and up her chest. Where is her bra? Who cares. She'll let him have it for a souvenir. Rey heads for the door.
"You need a teacher!" Kylo is still berating her as he advances. "I can teach you to hide your thoughts. You need to learn this." Kylo beats Rey to the door and only at that moment seems to suddenly realize that she was leaving him. "Wait—where are you going? We're not done yet."
Rey doesn't know if he means that he wants to yell at her more about the Force or whether he wants her to climb back into his bed. Either way, she's not going for it. "Out of my way. I'm leaving. Good night."
His eyes narrow as he takes in her sudden frosty demeanor. "Rey," he reaches out to her but she sidesteps him easily. He frowns and tries again with the help of the Force. And, of course, it works. Now Rey has her back against the wall by the door now and his grip is so tight it hurts. "Hux was right—you shouldn't toy with me, Rey."
Her knee comes up aiming for the Skywalker family jewels, but he anticipates her. "Don't do that," he warns.
"This was a mistake." Rey says this in no uncertain terms. "Let me go."
"Ah, but you keep making this mistake, Rey. Once on the balcony. Once in the library on the couch. And tonight you lay in my bed and moan for my touch. Did I miss any? How many times do you think you get to kiss me and then call it a day?" He leans forward to whisper to her. "I know that you are wet and ready for me under that dress. And you know that I can take whatever I want."
"Yes, I know," she tells him bitterly. "But don't expect me to give it to you, Kylo."
"You were ready to give it to me a minute ago!" He's mostly right, and she knows it. Rey's face flames with humiliation.
"Aren't things difficult enough between us?" she asks between clenched teeth. "Do you want to make it worse? You once said that you wouldn't hurt me. That I was in no danger from you. Prove that. Let me go."
He considers a long moment. Then he steps back and releases her. "Do not tease me again," he fairly growls this warning at her. Then he opens the door and physically thrusts her away from him and out the door. "Get out, then!"
"Go to Hell, Kylo!" she yells at him, knowing full well he can still hear her through the door. Milo can probably hear her two floors above.
Rey races down the hall to her rooms and locks the door.
Alone with her thoughts, Rey freely admits that she is lonely. Even with little Han and Milo, still she is lonely. Rey the war orphan from Jakku has always been lonely. But in her darkest moments, when she felt the most helpless and hopeless, still she has persevered.
There were plenty of men at Niima who would have sheltered her, shared their portions with her, perhaps even grown to care for her, in exchange for her body. Once or twice, she had been desperate enough to consider approaching one of them. But then her independence asserted itself and, pragmatic as she is, Rey had declined to bargain with her body. She had pressed forward alone. Always alone.
Why, then, is it so enticing to forget herself in the arms of Kylo Ren?
He does not care. He has never once apologized for his treatment of her. For his rape that thankfully she cannot remember. For erasing her mind. For his abduction. Twice. For ransacking her memory. Twice. For his imprisonment. Twice. She could go on.
All Kylo has ever managed is a few vague statements that he will not hurt her. As if keeping her here with the constant threat to take away her son did not hurt already.
How desperate is she that she welcomes his attention?
Rey buries her face in her hands, feeling the hot blush of her cheeks as she recalls the feel of his torrid embrace. Kylo Ren's kiss is the worst sort of lie. In the moment, it seems to promise everything. Comfort. Pleasure. Understanding. Maybe even happiness. But he would deliver none of these things. Kylo Ren does not give, he takes. And then he takes more. Because he can. He even says it proudly. I can take whatever I want.
And, Gods help her, Rey had almost been willing to give it to him tonight.
She looks down at her body in the shower, seeing the faded, silver scars on her knees and on her palms. Remembering how the Resistance medic droid had told her that she might have be two inches taller had she grown up with proper nutrition. Knowing that even years later she preferred the bland taste of rations to real food that overwhelmed her taste blind palate. This was the physical imprint of Jakku.
But there are deeper, hidden scars of Jakku. From the abandonment that makes her cling tightly to her own son. Makes her ready to sacrifice anything to keep him. Because no one had done that for her. From the loneliness that leaves her craving the monster's kiss because he makes her feel desirable. Because he lusts for her, the throw-away that no one has ever valued. Even if he will only throw her away in the end too.
The droid can paint her face and paint her nails, and she can slip into Coruscant's costliest couture to float around Lord Vader's castle, but the scavenger girl is still there underneath. Jakku . . . fucking Jakku. Where she had starved for food and starved for love.
But where she had always been free, Rey reminds herself.