Trying Not to Love You -10A-
Reference: birth-control-in-the-18th-century/
2013/06/05/british-contraception-in-the-eighteenth-century/
As he road home from his time on the beach, Ross determined that he had to confront Elizabeth about her recent behavior. Avoiding the situation was only adding to the distance that was already growing between him and his wife. He was also concerned that whatever had occupied Elizabeth so much in the past weeks was more than just boredom of being a poor squire's wife. He was waiting in his library for Elizabeth to return as it seemed that she had gone on another one of her trips to Truro with no explanation as to why. This, after Ross had assured Demelza that he and Elizabeth were fine and that there were no secrets between them. As he sat at his desk, his mind ran through the possible reasons why his wife would make these unannounced visits to town and just what was she doing on them. Demelza' s question about Elizabeth and Francis at the time seemed ridiculous but was it possible that something more was going on between his cousin and his wife that Ross was deliberately neglecting to see?
He was going over a map and another sample of rock when he heard a horse approach and then the front door open. Leaving his work he walked into the hall to meet his wife. She looked slightly flushed from her ride but her cool beauty shone through while the blue riding habit she wore accentuated her features. Startled to see Ross, Elizabeth stopped in her tracks.
"Ross? I didn't expect you to be home so soon. I thought the mine would keep you until late in the evening as it seems to have done lately." She moved seamlessly into the parlor, pulling at her gloves as she walked and talked. Removing the pin from her hat, she laid both on the table. Ross watched her, looking for some sign of guilt or hint of what she had been up to. Seeing none, he decided to come out and ask, heeding his own advice that he had imparted on Demelza only a short time ago.
"Where have you been, my love?" Ross tried to not sound as irritated as he felt. Looking at her more closely, he could detect that all was not as it seemed with this wife.
"Been? Out riding Ross," she answered smoothly. "Why were you worried for me?" As she walked past him, she brushed his arm in that familiar and possessive way a wife would. Surprisingly, Ross didn't feel the same electric charge he had felt from Elizabeth when they were first married and most certainly, not what he felt from being just near Demelza. What did that mean? It confused him and he found himself staring at his wife trying to figure out what was going on, not only with Elizabeth because clearly something was but within himself.
"I was just concerned because Prudie said you'd been gone most of the day." He paused and waited for her to say something. Instead she sat near the fire fingering a book that had been left on the settle not really acknowledging what he was saying or his presence. Ross continued. "Have you been to Truro?"
Elizabeth looked up, clearly surprised by his outburst. Taking a moment to compose herself, an action not lost on Ross, she spoke. She straightened her back and it was evident that what she was going to say was not necessarily going to be pleasant. Ross steeled himself for what was about to come as he'd seen that look on his wife's face before; specifically when she told her mother that she was going to marry him no matter what the older woman thought. It was then that Ross knew Elizabeth would do things to defy convention or more importantly, whatever she needed to do to please her. It was a trait that in the past, Ross had admired. He found a woman who would speak her mind and do what she felt like doing and that fascinated him, especially in their social circle. And he realized it was that same attribute that attracted him to Demelza as well. However, he was getting the feeling that this current defiance by his wife was going to have the same effect as that did to their lives.
"Yes, I've been to Truro," she stated simply. "I've been seeing a doctor." Elizabeth rose and went to the breakfront to pour herself a port as Ross watched. For a moment he thought that she was trying to tell him that they were going to have a child and a light came across his face. Elizabeth turned around and Ross smiled at her, moving towards where she stood, when she cut him off.
"I've been getting advice on how to ensure that I wouldn't become burdened with a child." As soon as the words were out, Elizabeth put the crystal glass to her lips and took a sip of the burgundy liquid. Ross stood stock still, unable to comprehend what she had just said. Did he hear her correctly? That she had been seeing a doctor to make sure she wouldn't end up carrying his child? He was dumbfounded and needed to confirm what he thought he heard.
"Wait! What? You've been trying avoid becoming pregnant? I don't understand Elizabeth. Why?" Ross was on the verge of uncontrollable anger not to mention hurt. He could not comprehend how the woman he loved and who supposedly loved him would not want to have a child.
"Ross, you have to see that we are in no position to have a child. Our coffers are meager and quite frankly, I've never really seen myself as a mother. Besides, you must admit that things between us have been less than perfect to bring a child into the world." Her voice was steady and calm as she spoke. Ross was amazed that there was no emotion in the way she related what she had done or why. He sat down in the nearest chair and looked down at the ground. He couldn't bring himself to look at his wife at this moment. He was afraid his face would give away the disappointment he had as well the pain of knowing the woman he married was not who he thought she was.
"Elizabeth, if we had a child I would make sure that neither you nor the baby would suffer for anything. Don't you believe that?" The hurt was overcoming the other feelings coursing through him. He looked up at her now, his eyes moist but determined to get the truth out of her, not only about this but about their marriage in general.
"I'm sure you think so Ross, but in the time we've been married, things have not improved for us financially, have they?" She sat back down on the settle, a safe distance from Ross. "And it doesn't look like that is about to change anytime soon." Elizabeth kept her eyes on Ross, waiting for some dispute to her statement. He had to admit he had none. Ross was considering her words when the door to the parlor opened and Prudie came in with little ceremony.
"Will you be wanting tea?" she asked curtly. She stood with her hands on her hips, waiting for a reply.
Ross looked up and silently relayed to Prudie that tea was not wanted. Looking between her master and the mistress, Prudie could tell the best thing she could do was leave-quickly. Turning without a backward glance, she left the room and closed the door.
Once he was sure the door was closed, Ross turned back to his wife, who still sat quietly, not betraying any emotions. On the other hand, Ross struggled to get his in check. He wasn't quite sure how to continue this conversation except that he needed to know what exactly she was doing and how long it had been going on. His voice was low as he asked, "How long have you been….doing something….to prevent a child?" He could not believe he was having this conversation. The question surprised Elizabeth but she was not embarrassed and answered.
"You mean you want to know what kind of treatment the doctor has been prescribing?" She waiting but Ross couldn't actually ask so she continued.
"Sometimes I take powders in ale but that is only for after we've lain together. I didn't want to take a chance that it might not work so I mainly use sponges with vinegar or lemon. Using it before we… are together…has prevented my getting with child." Again, Ross was astonished at the coldness in her relating of events. Who was this woman sitting in front of him? He didn't recognize her as the girl he fell in love with when she was 16 and whose image kept him alive during the war. She was a stranger and not someone he particularly liked or even wanted to know.
"I cannot believe you would go to such lengths. Do you despise me so much that you couldn't bear to have my child?" His voice was about to crack but he caught himself before it did.
"Ross, this has nothing to do with you. I care for you. I just don't want children."
"What else don't you want Elizabeth?" He looked directly at her, his voice stronger than it was a few minutes ago. Ross walked over to the window and looked out at his well worn estate. Perhaps she was right about not bringing a child into this world of theirs. They were not overflowing with money or even had a decent home, but he knew that he had enough love to spare for both Elizabeth and any child they were blessed with. Why could she not see that? And why wasn't it enough? He had heard more than he needed to know about the mechanics of this topic but another thing occurred to him about Elizabeth's actions recently that he wanted to find out about.
"Have you been riding to Trenwith? Demelza said she's seen you outside the gate, just looking at the house. Why would you do that?" And this time before she had a chance to respond and before he lost his nerve asked the other thing on his mind. "Are you and Francis involved?"
Elizabeth burst out in a coarse, harsh laugh. "Are you insane? Francis and I are friends. Just as you and his little scullery maid wife are. Should I ask you the same question, Ross?" He turned around and stared at her, at a loss for words. The bitterness in her tone was another thing that was new to her personality. Or was it? Was she perhaps always this cold and he was just blinded to the fact because of her beauty? He was going to give her a sharp retort but held his tongue because he didn't want to say something that would turn this already tense situation into something worse.
"Friends? Then why the visits to Trenwith without actually visiting? What are you looking for?" He was genuinely curious.
"I have ridden over there recently. Not only because the lands and house are magnificent but because….." she hesitated a moment and then stated, " I should be living there. How could Francis have chosen such an inappropriate woman to be mistress of Trenwith? I don't understand what he sees in her. Unless of course, she served more than tea on her visits with him." Now her voice turned cruel and sarcastic. Reminiscent of their mutual friend Ruth Teague.
"Elizabeth! Where is this hatred coming from? I don't understand you anymore," Ross said, exasperated.
Elizabeth walked around the room, avoiding direct contact with him, a fact not lost on Ross. It was as if she was gaining momentum as she circled the room, each turn giving her another wave of bravery. Presently she stopped in the middle of the room and continued.
"Anymore?" She almost laughed at him but restrained herself. "Ross, this is who I've always been. You just chose to see what you wanted to see in me. And for a while, it's served a purpose. However, now, I find that I'm not satisfied with this life. Or with you." She finished and a cold, smug look appeared on her face.
Ross was at a loss for words and struggled to reply.
"Elizabeth, I…." he started, his head down, his hands at his sides, clenching and unclenching. It was the first time in his life that he had no control over what was happening and no idea how to circumvent it.
"Ross, don't. There is nothing to say. It's not your fault, nor is it mine. We probably shouldn't have married. Our personalities are too different. You said it once yourself that I was a lady and could never play a scullery maid. And you were right. I'm just sorry it came to this for me to admit it."
He watched her as she spoke, and could feel the relief seeping out of her as if the burden of being his wife had been a virus that was now being cleansed from her body. She stood straight and sure, not at all like a wife who was telling her husband she was done with him and their marriage.
"But I loved you, Elizabeth. I went to war with that love as my reason for surviving. Now you tell me that you married me out of what? Pity? Obligation? Did you want to marry Francis instead? Please help me to understand. Tell me the truth." Surprisingly he found his voice was strong. He was still confused but determined to get to the bottom of this.
"You want the truth, Ross? Fine. Yes, sometimes I wish I had pursued Francis while you were gone. For then I would be mistress of Trenwith and would be enjoying the title and all that went with it." She sat down now, tired of holding herself in position.
"Did you love Francis? Do you love him?" Ross asked, waiting for her answer but sure he knew what she'd say.
Again, Elizabeth gave a little laugh before she responded. "No, Ross. I don't love him." Ross let that sink in and then asked what he needed to ask her.
"Did you ever love me?"
Elizabeth looked directly at him and with a steely look said simply, "I don't know. I think I loved the idea of you. Of being married to someone my mother didn't like. But no, Ross, I don't think I ever loved you the way a wife should love her husband."
Nodding his head in silent resignation and acknowledgement, Ross moved to sit at the table, his hands folded in front of him. Elizabeth saw his distress but did not move to ease it. She continued.
"But I didn't and don't love Francis either. He was too kind and it appears to me that I need someone of the same temperament and thinking. This is most likely why George Warleggan and I have taken to meeting."
And there it was. Ross's head turned sharply to look at her and her face was serene. Peaceful even. Ross stared at this woman and truly did not know who she was. He wanted to ask her how long she'd been betraying him with that upstart, but something inside had him choking on the words.
"Elizabeth, I don't know what to say. Is that also why you've pulled away from me? Because you've been sleeping with George?"
"Well, Ross, I wouldn't say we did much sleeping…" Her taunt was not appreciated by him but he let it pass. "Frankly, George and I have much in common. We both like the finer things, dislike the same things and people. But most importantly, he can provide me with the life I was born to live."
Ross was now getting angry and wanted this conversation to end so he could decide what he was to do next.
"So what do you plan to do Elizabeth? Surely you already have something in mind. We can't get a divorce as that takes an act of parliament and quite a bit of money, neither of which I have access to. So are you just going to be Warleggan's mistress?" Now Ross's tone was turning bitter but he didn't care. If he were honest, she could go to George and live with him, as long as he didn't have to see her again. It surprised him that he wasn't more upset at her confessions. He thought he'd be fighting to change her mind, but that was not the case.
"Actually, George has already made inquiries into how you and I can end our marriage. Since I can't ask for a divorce, if you ask for it—perhaps stating I've not been a wife to you—George will make the arrangements to get it taken care of. He has many connections and will use them to get me what I want. It might take months, but I'm willing to wait if it means starting over." Ross's face clearly showed his shock at how she had obviously plotted and schemed this for a long time. Elizabeth saw his face and went on.
"Surely you're not shocked are you Ross? And admit it; it's the best solution to our problem. You need someone else to be your wife. Not me. And I need someone who can keep me in the lifestyle I deserve. So let's get on with it."
Ross couldn't and didn't want to argue what she had said. At this point, he wanted her out of his house and life. If George could make it happen, it would be the first and only time he would turn to this man for assistance.
"Fine, Elizabeth. Do what you need to and I will go along with it. Now do something for me. Leave my house. Take everything that might remind me you existed and go. If we are going to annul our marriage, might as well start immediately." Now it was Ross who sounded cold and detached.
"I was hoping you'd say that. I've already started to move my things to George's home."
Again, Ross was surprised but not shocked at her statement.
"What will your mother say Elizabeth? Or society?"
"I don't care about society. As for my mother, she knows and I think she'll be pleased that I'll finally have a husband who can truly take care of me."
She moved to the table and picked up her hat placing it on her head and adjusting it in the mirror. Giving a final look at herself, she turned to say something to Ross, when Prudie opened the door with Dwight behind her.
"Surgeons' here," she said.
Ross rose to greet Dwight and shook his hand.
"What are you doing here? No one is ill."
Dwight hesitated before speaking, unsure how to proceed. Ross could see something was wrong.
"Dwight, what is it?"
Speaking slowly Dwight said, "It's your cousin, Francis. He's dead."