By the way, kudos to all of you who picked up on my tip of the hat to ATLA: Abridged's genius creator, GanXingba, without whom our lives would be that much sadder. Thank you, GanXingba, for your addition of "sexyfine" to the Avatar lexicon.

Attention Span

"Be sensitive?" Zuko snorted. "I'm plenty sensitive! Who says I'm not sensitive?"

Haru raised his hands to ward off the Firebender's temper. "I'm not saying youaren't. Only…" he hedged "…try to sympathize with your wife. She's under a lot of pressure, too, you know. And Katara, being a Waterbender and all…well, water under pressure tends to…uh…"

"Boil? Become steam? Explode?"

"Get…really…cranky," Haru concluded lamely.

What was it with Azula's concubines that they couldn't string together a simple metaphor if their lives depended on it? Were they butterfly-bird brained? Did they have their senses knocked out by some…large…creature…that hit people…?

Zuko sneered, adding just a little more contempt to the snarl under his breath for his sister's favorite pampered pet. He didn't know why his uncle thought this simpering Earthbender could give him any useful advice…especially with that stupid wispy facial hair clinging to his soft upper lip like a malformed kitty-caterpillar.

"I don't see how you could possibly know anything about the way my wife—or any normal functioning woman—behaves," he voiced his skepticism. "You aren't exactly a currency in great circulation."

Hah, see? Metaphor.

"Just because I'm not Jet or Sokka, doesn't mean I don't know how to treat a lady," Haru protested. With a sniff he added, "Ty Lee accepted my attentions—"

"Ty Lee would accept the attention of a sabretoothed moose-lion in heat."

"—and so did your sister—"

Zuko arched his one expressive eyebrow. "And how's that working for you?"

Haru frowned, shoulders shrugging, hands gesturing emptily. "Women…just need to be handled gently, is all I'm saying."

"Unless they like it rough…like my sister," Zuko muttered.

Haru stared openmouthed at the Fire Lord a long moment.

Zuko winced. "Forget I said that last thing." He rubbed his brow in utter disgust.

"With Azula, it's different," the Earthbending captive explained. "She's not like other women. She's…she goes for the thrill before the kill."

"You mean she likes to play with her food."

Haru sighed his acknowledgment, and went on. "Women often do know what they want, and will actively pursue it. But when they don't know, and only have an inkling, they look to their family and friends and loved ones to confirm their choice or help make a decision for them. An example," Haru expounded, "is Master Toph Bei Fong. She is very much straightforward and to the point. She doesn't dilly-dally around. She knows what she wants and takes it. But when she doesn't know, Azula gets her to—"

Realization struck Zuko between the eyes like a Yuu-Yuan's arrow, or one of his uncle's well-worded similes. The Fire Lord leapt to his feet. "That's it! Why didn't I think of it before?"

"But…I didn't even get to the part about the chains and…" Haru swallowed dryly "…Metalbending." He was rubbing his wrists absently with slender, trembling fingers.

"My problem was I was asking other dumb men for advice. What I need is advice from another woman!"

"Does…does this mean I can go and hide now?" Haru whimpered, glancing around fearfully. His expression was hunted. "It's getting dark. When it's night, Azula likes to…" He trailed off, visibly shaking.

Zuko ignored him. "Steward! Send a summons to Master Toph Bei Fong immediately! I need to speak with her as soon as possible."

And to make sure the smarmy little blind chit didn't "accidentally" get lost because she "couldn't read a map" (what an excuse!), he added, "Tell her it's a matter of national security!"