A voice in his mind whispered, asking him why he was tormenting himself like this. He wanted it, Lee wanted it-they didn't have to hide it anymore. Why couldn't they just give in to these desires?

But Gai had spent years trying not to think about it. After all that time, it was hard to just cast aside his inhibitions. He hesitated, looking into Lee's eyes. "After you get cleaned up, I think we should talk more. About..." He cleared his throat. "About us. And what happens now. And...about sex."

It was a good thing, Lee thought faintly, that he'd gotten a lot of practice in holding his desires back. Otherwise the soft touch of Gai's lips would've been enough to shatter his already fragile control. The Chuunin swallowed, Adam's apple bobbing with the movement, then nodded. "Yes, Gai-sensei."

He wanted to linger, but knew that the longer he spent with Gai right now, the less he'd be able to go back. Lee gathered his things and slipped into the bathroom. He stared at the shower knobs for a long time, trying to decide. He didn't think there was enough cold water in the world to keep him from getting hard when talking to Gai about sex, but the thought of the other option was enough to make his cheeks burn. If he took too long, Gai-sensei would know.

Suddenly decisive, he turned the water as cold as it'd go, stripped off, and stepped inside. The shock of the cold against over-heated skin was enough to make Lee flinch and suck in a quick, sharp breath, but he forced himself to endure it until the worst of the arousal had subsided.

As he dressed Lee realized that the lack of steam on the mirror would probably be enough for Gai to know what he'd done, but it was too late to try and cover it up. He swallowed nervously and pushed the door open.

Gai-who had been doing pushups on the living room floor, trying to burn off some of his excess energy-looked up at the sound of the door opening. Lee's hair was still wet from the shower, his jumpsuit clinging to his damp skin. Gai stood, gave him a quick smile-trying not to look too closely at Lee's body-and shut himself in the bathroom.

He showered briefly, resisting the temptation to relieve his aching need. It seemed somehow crass to do that when he knew Lee was sitting in the other room, waiting for him. After toweling off, he dressed and headed back into the living room, where Lee was sitting on the couch. Gai sat next to him, heart thumping, wondering how best to begin. "Lee..." He paused, looking into his student's eyes. "Now that we're aware of our feelings for each other, I think...well..."

Warmth rose into his cheeks. He'd never really discussed sex with Lee before; Lee had never asked him. Gai had always assumed he knew the basics, but he was also pretty certain that Lee had never done anything sexual with another person. Gai took a deep breath and took Lee's hand in his. "Before we do anything, I want to know what sex means to you...what you want it to be like. I don't want to risk doing anything you're not comfortable with." He ran his thumb lightly over Lee's knuckles. "This is too important to rush into."

Lee's gaze dropped, and he watched Gai's thumb caressing his hand, rubbing against the scars that crisscrossed his knuckles. "It is… something that you do because you care about someone. Because… you love them, and want to be close to them," he said quietly. He felt painfully aware that his view of sex and Gai's were different. Gai's absence last night proved that. Lee turned his thoughts away from that before it could hurt any more than it already had, but an ache lingered in his heart.

Gai saw the pain flash through Lee's eyes, and he understood what had caused it. His chest constricted in a spasm of guilt, and he held Lee's hand a little tighter. "I feel the same way," he whispered. "I know you might not believe me, after what I did, but...I think it should be about love. And I'm not going to sleep with anyone else again, Lee. You're the only person I want."

"I want you too, Gai-sensei," Lee murmured softly. He glanced up at his teacher, taking in the serious expression and the touch of guilt that lingered in the tension around Gai's eyes and the slight downturn to his lips. Lee hesitated and dampened his lips. "I want that with you. When you touch me, it makes me feel… dizzy. When you touch me it is easier to believe that all of this is real."

"I like touching you." Gai raised a hand to Lee's face. "And this isreal. I promise." His knuckles gently brushed along Lee's cheek, over his jawline and down his throat, where his pulse beat hard and fast. "I want to know..." His tongue crept out to moisten his lips. "When you think about us...making love...what do you see? There are different ways to do it, after all."

Lee's eyes widened, and he stared at Gai, cheeks slowly tinting crimson. He swallowed and shifted on the couch, and his breath quickened. Where before Gai's touch had felt warm and pleasant, now it felt like his fingers were searing Lee's skin. Lee was hyper-aware of the light touch, and the question in his teacher's eyes.

"Um. I. Like… we were before. With-" Lee's gaze dropped and he dampened his lips. "With… me on your lap, and you…"

Gai remembered, vividly, the sensation of Lee's bottom rubbing against his erection. He gulped, and his cock began to stiffen again. He tried to ignore it. "That felt good," he whispered. "But what I'm asking..." He paused, searching for some way to phrase the question. Something that didn't sound too crass. This was too important not to talk about-Gai didn't want to risk doing anything wrong or assume anything about what Lee might like or not like in bed-but he'd never fully appreciated how difficult it would be to talk about sex with Lee. To look into those round, innocent eyes and utter a phrase like "anal sex"...

Gai cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck, his face hot. "How do you feel about the idea of me being...inside you?"

Lee's mouth went dry, and he swallowed. Hearing Gai saying those words sent arousal slamming into him, and his eyes shut reflexively. Having Gai in him, feeling Gai stretch him, knowing that Gai wanted him, needed him, loved him… the feel of those large, work-roughened hands on his skin, Gai panting against his neck…

Lee's breathing quickened, and his hands tightened on his legs, spandex bunching beneath his fingers. He felt suddenly, painfully hard, and he wildly wondered if it was going to be at all possible for him to make it through this conversation. "That is what I meant," Lee whispered. "You in me, and…" He bit his bottom lip to stop the rest of the words, but the image was vivid in his mind.

Gai was fully erect now, his cock throbbing. A quick glance at the bulge in his student's jumpsuit told him the conversation was having a similar effect on Lee. "That's what I want," he whispered, his voice hoarse with desire. Holding it steady took an effort. "I've...fantasized about it. Dreamed about it." Even though they'd admitted their feelings for each other, speaking those words still felt so forbidden. "But...that type of sex can be uncomfortable, sometimes, even painful. And I don't want your first experience to be painful. I wonder if perhaps we should start with something else."

The idea of Gai fantasizing about him sent a shiver of desire through Lee, and a soft whimper slipped past his lips. Knowing that Gai had been thinking about him like that, wanting him like that… it made him wonder if some nights they'd been thinking about the same thing, doing the same thing- if Gai had come with Lee's name on his lips while Lee was dreaming of Gai touching him, taking him-

"I want that. I want you, Sensei. I have always wanted you."

"Lee..." The name escaped his lips as a sigh of longing. He wanted to push Lee to the couch and take him right there...and Lee's innocent eagerness made it that much harder to restrain himself. But he took deep breaths, reigning in his desire. Jumping right into that would be a bad idea, he told himself firmly. Then he leaned forward and placed his hands on Lee's shoulders, needing that contact, needing the warmth of Lee's skin under his hands. "We'll do that together. I promise. I just think...we should do other things first. I want a relationship with you, Lee, not just sex."

The warm weight of Gai's hands on his shoulders was enough to make Lee's eyes slip closed, and his teeth sunk into his bottom lip. He needed to focus, needed to think about something other than the fact that Gai was touching him, that Gai wanted him, and how good it felt when Gai kissed him. He took slow, deep breaths in an effort to control himself. Slowly, Gai's words sunk in past the haze of arousal, and Lee's eyes opened. He looked at his teacher's face carefully, seeking any hint of deception- any clue that Gai didn't mean what he was saying, that if Lee trusted in this, believed in this, he'd be cast away again.

He saw none, but that didn't stop the fear from nibbling at his heart. "Do you really mean that, Gai-sensei?" Lee whispered.

Gai nodded, holding Lee's gaze. "I want to do this right," he said quietly. "It's not just your body I'm attracted to, after all. It's you. Your mind and heart...everything that you are." He took Lee's hands in his and held them gently, rubbing the palms with this thumbs. "If we're going to be a couple, then I want to do the sort of things that couples do."

Lee's gaze dropped, and he watched as Gai's thumbs drew gentle circles against his palms. Somehow, even more than Gai touching him in other ways, this made it hit home. Gai cared about him. Gai loved him. Gai wanted to be with him. Gai wanted him. And Lee was terrified.

He hadn't realized until that moment how much Gai sending him away had hurt. He'd carefully compartmentalized it, but he'd never dealt with the feelings. They'd been too painful to look at, or acknowledge, and Lee had carefully suppressed the memory of being awoken in the night only to be told he no longer had a home. It'd remained a constant wound on his heart and his soul, festering every time Gai looked away from him, every time tension hung uncomfortably in the air.

Now Gai was offering him everything he'd longed for, and Lee was scared to believe in it- scared to take it out of fear of losing Gai again. Silent tears streamed down his cheeks, and they dripped down onto their joined hands.

Gai's eyes widened. Leaning closer, he studied the shining tear-tracks on Lee's cheeks, then raised one hand to wipe them away. More tears flowed down to take their place. "Are you all right, Lee?" He tried to meet Lee's gaze, but his eyes remained downcast, veiled by long lashes. "What's wrong?"

Lee shook his head, unable to answer. The words stuck in a lump in his throat, and his breathing hitched around another silent sob. Gai's hands were warm and soothing on his face, and Lee's came up to cover them, holding him there. He felt desperate for the light touches- for the reassurance that Gai wanted this, wanted him- but it did nothing to lessen the ache in his heart. "I want to believe you, Sensei. I want to so much, but I feel so scared..."

"Lee..." Gai's heart clenched painfully. The sight of those tears streaming down Lee's face, the tense, hunched shoulders, the downcast eyes and soft, choked voice...it reminded Gai of that night, years ago. He leaned forward and kissed Lee's cheeks, kissed away his tears. "What are you afraid of?" he whispered into Lee's ear.

Lee's eyes squeezed closed, and his shoulders trembled. "That you will send me away again," he whispered. "That you will not look at me, or talk to me… that you will never touch me…" And then, in a quiet whisper, the deepest fear- "That I will be alone again."

Those words ripped at Gai's heart. He swallowed, his throat tight, and closed his eyes, struggling momentarily for composure. Then he opened them and took Lee's hands in his again. "I did something terrible to you," he whispered. "I know that. I wish there was some way I could prove to you that it won't happen again...that I'll never push you away like that again." He squeezed Lee's hands. "We never really talked about it. In the three years since it happened, we've hardly spoken of it at all. But it still causes you pain, even now...doesn't it?" he whispered, his gaze downcast.

Instinctively, Lee wanted to hide. He wanted to tell Gai that it didn't hurt, that he never thought of it, to forget he'd said anything- and, deep down, he knew that desire to hide was a part of the fear. "I try to not think about it… but it is always there. Whispering. The feeling that I have to be careful… that I cannot let you know that I still feel that way about you. That if I do something wrong, that you will not want me anymore. That… you only took me back out of pity. That you do not really want me here."

"I want you here more than anything," Gai said quietly, firmly. "You're my life, Lee." He wrapped his arms around Lee and pulled him close, holding him tight, hoping Lee could feel his love in the strength of that embrace. His lips brushed against Lee's ear. "Sending you away was the hardest thing I've ever done. It ripped me up inside. I would never...could never do that again. I need you by my side, in my arms."

A choked sob escaped Lee, and he buried his face against Gai's chest. Tears soaked the stretchy fabric of his jumpsuit. After a long time, Lee tentatively slipped his arms around Gai's waist, and when Gai's arms tightened around him in response, he gave in and clung tightly to his teacher. For tonight, just tonight, he could let himself believe. He could pretend that Gai meant every word, that there was no danger lurking behind them. And if Gai changed his mind in the morning…

If Gai changed his mind in the morning, Lee would deal with that then.

Gai ran his fingers through Lee's hair in a gentle, soothing motion. Lee's shoulders still shook with near-silent sobs, and each one was like a kunai jabbing into Gai's heart. He kissed the top of Lee's head. There had to be something he could do for Lee, he thought-some way he could prove his love.

For a long time, they remained there on the couch, just holding each other. Lee seemed so hungry for contact, for warmth; every time Gai's embrace started to loosen, Lee would press closer to him, and Gai's arms would tighten around him again in response. It had long since grown dark outside, but still, neither one of them moved.

In the aftermath of his tears, Lee felt oddly numb. It was the first time he'd let himself face what had happened, he felt curiously light, like an omnipresent weight had been lifted. He listened to Gai's heartbeat and breathing, and his own slowed to match. The faint fuzziness of sleep tugged at the corners of his mind, but Lee fought to keep his eyes open. He wanted to stay with Gai- needed the comfort of Gai's arms wrapped around him.

Gai noticed Lee's eyelids drooping. "It's late," he said. "Maybe we should get some sleep." Lee's arms tightened slightly around his waist, and Gai saw the reluctance in his expression. Gai hesitated.

Lee needed to be close to him right now. And they had made up their minds to become a couple, after all. Gai cleared his throat softly. "Do you want to share a bed tonight, Lee? I mean...we don't have to do anything. We can just be close to each other."

The reluctance in Lee's expression faded, and he nodded. He lingered in Gai's arms for a long moment before standing, and glanced uncertainly at his teacher for direction. The tension that had unconsciously gathered in his shoulders relaxed when Gai took his hand, and Lee followed his teacher into his bedroom. There was another moment of hesitation as Lee looked at the bed, then he pushed the worries away. Tomorrow, he reminded himself. Gently he tugged at Gai's hand, leading him the rest of the way. The awkwardness fled when he was in Gai's arms again, and Lee nestled in close, soothed by the steady thrum of Gai's heartbeat.

Gai smiled. For now, his arousal had faded, and he was content simply to lay next to Lee and hold him close-to feel the gentle rhythm of his breathing and the warmth of his body.

During the dark, uncertain time after Lee's injury, Gai had stayed close to him always...and several nights, when Lee was especially depressed and in need of comfort, Gai had held him until he fell asleep.

Of course, this wasn't quite the same. Lee was no longer a child. They had a new awareness of their feelings for each other. But the sensation of Lee nestled against him, the scent of his skin and hair, was familiar. Gai breathed in that scent, his face buried in the warm hollow between Lee's neck and shoulder. "I like holding you," he murmured.

"I like it too," Lee whispered. His eyes drifted closed and he sleepily rubbed his cheek against Gai's chest. The languid warmth was seeping through him now, replaced numbness with contentment. "It feels so good," Lee murmured drowsily, and he nuzzled in closer. When drowsiness spread like fog through his mind, Lee didn't fight it. He slipped willingly into sleep, safe in Gai's protective embrace.

Gai remained awake awhile longer, just holding Lee and watching him sleep. He placed a soft kiss on Lee's parted lips. "I love you," he whispered. Then he closed his eyes and drifted off, his cheek resting against Lee's hair.

To be continued