I disclaim.

...gossip girl...gossip girl...gossip girl...

Minutes from the Emergency Bass Family Meeting, August 30th, 2031. Recorded by Arthur Archibald, Secretary.

Council In Attendance: Blair Bass, President; Chuck Bass, Vice Pres.; Eric Van der Woodsen, Treasurer; Arthur Archibald, Unwilling Secretary Imposed by a Fascist Oligarchy.

Members in Attendance: Katherine Bass; Liam Bass (with attorney); Alexandria Bass; CeCe Howard; Mitchell Howard; Serena Van der Woodsen; Nathaniel Archibald; (Honorary Members Dorota and Sacha also present)

Outsiders Ostracized from a Purposeless Hell: Dan Humphrey and Carter Baizen (both currently ostracizing each other as well).

A Memorandum from President Bass- "This is for your own good."

Topics on the Agenda (as listed on the 'Emergency Meeting Whiteboard): 1. Why spoiled children insist on making lives miserable by suing their parents and frolicking with inappropriate partners. 2. What 'don't get drunk and sleep with your ex-husbands/ex-wives/ex-boyfriends' really means. 3. Carter Baizen- if we kill him, can we hide the body/evidence successfully? 4. Does everyone have their first-day-of-school outfits picked out? Dorota needs to iron them the night before. 5. Is the world coming to when Alex is the mature one of the trip? Is the Apocalypse happening 19 years late and if so, should we sell our Mac shares? 6. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

At 9:10 am President Bass banged the meeting to order. (With an actual gavel. At 9am.)

Vice President Bass stole said gavel and hid it to the best of his ability under his chair.

The above topics were discussed in excruciating and unnecessary detail. Vital contributes were as follows:

Topic 1: L.B.'s attorney read a statement prepared by his client outlining his terms. B.B. countered and attorney proceeded to cry and reminisce about his mother, who was apparently also a bitch. C.B. declared his intention to cave (as usual) but rallied in the end by halving L.B.'s trust fund and credit limit. A.B. petitioned to have L.B. removed from will- was unsuccessful.

M.H. screamed (loudly) about C.H.'s life choices and tried to her with several nice female rugby players from Oregon. . played Tetris on phone. C.B. joined M.H. in questioning C.H. and K.B. on whereabouts last night. C.H. filibustered by vomiting last night's tequila into her purse.

Topic 2: The minutes were not taken on this subject as the enslaved secretary covered his ears and hummed as his parents discussed their sex lives.

Topic 3: Yes. Chop him up, Florida Everglades/Gulf Stream. C.B. knows a guy. (He knows too much.)

Topic 4: L.B.- Yes, it's a uniform; A.B.- No; A.A.- No, I need to reconsider polo shirts; C.H.- Is Dorota seriously going to come to Paris to iron my dress?; K.B.-I'm 24... and yes.

Topic 5: A.B. found this question to be insulting. Yelling ensued. D.H. came in, assuming death was happening; he was boo'd ASAP and declared the world's worst Cabbage Patch in all the garden by B.B., C.B. threw a scone. D.H. exited the meeting room. . indicated her desire to 'get this over with' and called for a vote. 12:4 A.B. was certainly up to something that hadn't yet been discovered or fiery hell would be reigning down upon us (and the majority of the members would not be rising to the top of that pot). Split vote on selling stocks.

Topic 6: N.A to B.B: "Whose the one leading a meeting at 9am on a Sunday morning?" A hunt for the gavel ended with an impromptu weapon made from a butter knife and a wedge of aged raclette. B.B. was calmed and meeting continued with the habitual group pledge to seek help.

God grant us the serenity to not murder each other with utensils or assassins, the courage to wear white after Labor day, and the wisdom to not murder anyone wearing white because it shows blood stains. Also we should probably go to therapy. Yahtzee.

At 10:58am President Bass used her husband's shoe to bang out the meeting.

End of Minutes.

AN: I'm not mocking the Serenity Prayer, just borrowing the phrasing. It's a great tool and helped a lot of people.