A/N – I have returned! Haha! Marla's Lost – Thanks for the nice review, and yes, I will be writing about September 11th, you have been warned. Ambient Space Noise – Thanks for the review, they always make me smile. Don't worry, there will be more Callie/Chris/Donna drama in the future. I'm not quite sure what kind of medication Eric is taking, I got the reaction he had from my mother, who had to take pain meds last year, I just can't remember the name. Again, thanks for the reviews guys, they're awesome and never fail to make my day a little brighter.
Anyway, here's a chapter that I'm very proud of. It's my favorite chapter I've written so far, but let there be a warning. There is angst ahead. If you are triggered by depression and mentions of mental health, then read with caution. This chapter's a bit of a plot twist.
Disclaimer – I. Do. Not. Own.
April 8, 2001
Jackie slept on the couch the night before, not really in the mood to share a room with Donna. Things have been extra tense since Hyde left to go back to Wisconsin. Hyde had made his peace with Eric and they were cool again. He promised not to tell Red and Kitty where their son was, as Eric said he wanted to contact them himself. Eric said he would go visit them soon, he was just a little nervous. Jackie would be too, it's probably pretty stressful to visit your parents for the first time in 22 years.
Anyway, Donna still obviously had a thing for Eric, with the way she had been acting towards Jackie recently. And Jackie had to admit to herself, she kind of had a thing for Eric too. It took her a while to admit that, but it was true. She liked Eric.
Jackie stretched her arms out above her head as she lay on the couch, looking up at the ceiling sleepily. The memories of the heated night previous suddenly flooded her mind and now she had the urge to go check on everybody, to make sure they were all okay.
Jackie slowly sat up and peered around the room. It was a bit of a mess. The coffee table was cluttered with dozens of things, there were dirty clothes on the floor, several full ashtrays used by Chris's mother lying all around the room. Barbara pretty much slept all day and partied all night. Jackie knew what she did, but Eric told her not to tell anyone, as social services would take Chris away because Eric didn't have legal guardianship over the teenager.
He told her he was trying his best to get Barbara help, and she did want to get better, for Chris's sake. It was just hard for her to get off such an addictive drug.
Jackie figured she should probably get up and go check on everybody, make sure they were all okay and nobody ran away in the middle of the night. *cough, *couch, Callie, *cough, *cough.
She stretched her arms above her head quickly before she stood and started down the hall. She figured she'd check on Chris first and just go from there, she saw Callie order him after her last night, so maybe she was in here as well.
Jackie slowly creaked open the beaten and battered door and peered across the small, cozy room at the small bed on the wall. There lay Chris, on his back, snoring softly as Callie laid next to him, one arm rested over Chris's chest and one arm laid above her head as she snored a little louder than Chris. It was kind of cute. Jackie smiled before she slowly closed the door again and went to check on the other two that were involved in some struggles the previous night.
She opened Donna's door and peaked in on her. She was laying on her side in the fetal position facing away from Jackie. She was snoring softly, signaling to Jackie that she was still asleep. Jackie closed the door and walked down the hall to check on Eric. He had a rough night last night. Seizure, concussion, hospital, meds, and being high as a kite. The last bit was pretty funny, but Jackie knew that he'd probably have a hell of a headache this morning and he might be bitchy.
Jackie opened his bedroom door and looked in on him. He was tossing and turning and groaning, as if in serious pain. Jackie widened her eyes in alarm and opened his door further and rushed into his room, darting to his bedside.
"Eric?" Jackie grabbed his shoulder and shook him gently. This is when she noticed the sweat that was beaded up on his forehead, his hair was soaked through with it. Jackie shook him a little harder this time, "Eric, are you okay? Eric… Wake up."
She didn't want to be too loud, not wanting to wake everyone else up. Eric groaned a little more, wincing in pain it seemed. Jackie noticed how pale he was as he suddenly whipped his head towards her and mumbled something incoherent.
"Eric! Wake up," Jackie whispered harshly.
After a few more rougher shakes, Eric's eyes finally shot open and he looked around the room frantically, "Jackie!" He cried her name as he woke, his hazel eyes wide and seemingly frightened. He looked terrified, "Jackie?... Are you… Are you okay?"
Jackie furrowed her eyebrows and gazed down at him in concern and confusion, "Yeah, I'm fine… Did you have a nightmare?"
Eric looked up at Jackie for a moment before he averted his gaze and sat up quickly, "Yeah, but it was nothing… I'm fine now."
Jackie eyed him as he got up and out of bed. He didn't look alright. He was pale, sweating, and trembling. He stumbled as he walked over to his dresser and looked for a clean shirt that wasn't soaked through with sweat.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Jackie asked as she stood and watched him closely.
Eric nodded as he pulled a black t-shirt out of a drawer, "Yes, I'm fine. Why?"
Jackie rolled her eyes and put all her weight on one foot, "Because, when I came in here you were talking in your sleep and… You're soaked through with sweat."
Eric pulled his t-shirt off and over his head before he threw it in the corner, where a pile of dirty clothes was sitting, "I assure you, I'm fine, Jackie," He said this as he was about to put a clean shirt on, but as he was about to do that, he suddenly dry heaved and put a hand to his stomach.
Jackie set her shoulders back and stood up straight, letting her arms fall limp by her sides, "Eric? Are you alright?"
Eric nodded, but he dry heaved again before he dropped his shirt and ran out the door and down the hall to the bathroom. Jackie rushed after him and when she saw him again he was over the toilet, dry heaving more and more.
Jackie tried not to watch, but she was worried about him and didn't want to leave him alone. Jackie went to the bathroom sink and grabbed a cup before filling it with water as Eric continued to try to get something to come up. Jackie set the water on the counter and looked down at Eric as he wretched over the toilet bowl, looking miserable.
Jackie just stood there, not really knowing what to do. Though she winced and tried not gag herself when she watched Eric, out of pure frustration with himself, stick his fingers down his throat and hit his gag reflex and force himself to vomit.
Eric hurled over the toilet, finally letting last night's meal pour into the toilet bowl as Jackie sat on the edge of the tub and hesitantly put a gentle, soothing hand on his bare back. It was then that Jackie realized just how skinny he was. He was always skinny, but now he just looks… Frail. It's as if he doesn't eat like he's supposed to. He's a lot skinnier than she remembered him being when they were teenagers. Usually aging brings more weight, not less.
It only got worse when Jackie began to rub his back slowly, trying to sooth him. She could feel his spine underneath her fingers, and she noticed it was more visible than most peoples. She suddenly became worried.
As Eric finished vomiting and resorted to dry heaving once more, Jackie grabbed the cup of water from the counter and held it out for Eric to take. When he finished gagging and took a few deep, wheezing breaths, he took the cup from Jackie and sipped it slowly, still kneeled in front of the toilet.
Jackie noticed the fresh tears running down his cheeks and the dark circles under his eyes. And was he always this pale? He did usually wear brighter colors, maybe it was to take away from his pale skin?
After Eric finished drinking, he set the cup next to him on the floor before he sat down and leaned back against the side of the tub.
He looked so miserable.
He sniffled, but he left the wet tears on his face, not bothering to wipe them away as he looked into blank space, his eyes looking tired. Jackie looked down at him, his whole body trembling. That's when Jackie noticed something down around his waist.
"Eric?" Jackie said curiously and with a twinge of worry as she pointed at his midsection, "What's that?"
Eric pulled in a sharp, shaking breath as he looked over at Jackie slowly and then to where she was pointing. He looked down at his waist and shook his head immediately, refusing to answer her question, "It's nothing. Can you go get me my shirt?"
Jackie hardened her gaze and glared at Eric, "No, not until you tell me what all that is."
Eric rolled his eyes, but hardened his gaze as well, "Jackie, I don't want to talk about it, just go get my shirt, please."
Jackie stood and turned around to look at Eric face to face, her small hands on her hips, "Eric."
That sounded like a warning, but Eric didn't budge, "No, Jackie."
Jackie just glared at him, pushing for answers silently. She was seriously getting worried about him. First the nightmare, now it was how pale he was, how frail he was. Granted, he did just throw up, which could have something to do with why he was so pale, but he was skinny. Almost too much. No. He was too skinny.
"Eric…" Jackie softened her voice and her gaze, feeling like maybe she could break him being more sympathetic, "I'm worried about you."
After a moment of Jackie's gaze, Eric's look softened as well. He averted eye contact and looked to the ground, sniffling, as if he were trying not to cry, "Jackie… I said I don't want to talk about it."
Eric was trembling a little harder now, his eyes glassy as a single tear fell from the corner of his eye. Jackie's heart broke a little at how broken he looked. Something was seriously wrong with him. Jackie slowly stepped towards him, her eyes showing sympathy and worry as she gently grabbed his shaking hands. They were cold and clammy.
"Eric," Jackie said softly, squeezing his hands a little, "Tell me what's wrong."
Eric looked down at his feet and choked back a sob and he shook his head, "I can't."
Jackie raised an eyebrow, "Why not?"
Eric let a few tears falls from his eyes and go crashing to the floor, "Because… It's pathetic."
Jackie looked down at Eric's waist again and asked once more, "Eric. What are these?"
Eric didn't want to tell her, she'd probably think he was a loser, or pathetic or something like that. But he had to tell her, she'd never let it go.
Eric started crying a little bit, which caused Jackie to look up at him and frown. She removed her hand from his and put it up to his face, stroking his cheek with her thumb and wiping away his tears, "Eric?"
Eric sucked in a breath and sobbed a little more before he finally said, "I'm so unhappy, Jackie."
Jackie's heart sank at his words. She looked back down to his waist and asked, "Did you do this to yourself?"
Eric sobbed and nodded slowly, leaning into Jackie's touch. Jackie pulled her hand away from Eric's face trailed her fingers along the many scars along his waist. She was so caught up in it all that she almost missed some larger scars up on his stomach and chest. How had she not noticed this last night when he was asking her for help putting on a shirt? Well, it was kind of dark.
"Oh my God, Eric," Jackie said, feeling tears sting her eyes as well, "How could you do this to yourself."
Eric sobbed harder at that, causing Jackie to look up at him and instantly regret saying those words. She shook her head, "No, I didn't mean it that way."
Eric was clenching and unclenching his fists, as if he didn't know what to do. So Jackie wrapped her arms around his middle and pulled him close. Eric wasn't even surprised at the sudden embrace, he just cherished it. He buried his head into her shoulder and cried as Jackie rubbed his bare back soothingly.
Jackie could feel tears stinging her eyes, she couldn't believe Eric was so… Depressed. He hid it well, but Jackie did notice he was a little out of it sometimes.
"Do you refuse to eat, too?" Jackie asked, asserting his physical health now.
She felt Eric shake his head into her shoulder as he responded with, "No… I just force myself to throw up most of the time."
Jackie could feel Eric trembling in her arms, his body wracking with sobs. Jackie wished she could hold him like this forever, comfort him in her arms and let him know everything was going to be okay. But she couldn't. She didn't even know why he was depressed. She didn't know that much about him at all.
Jackie rubbed his back soothingly for a few more moments before she pulled away from him and looked up at him, but he averted her gaze and gazed at the floor sadly. Jackie looked down at his middle to examine the scars. Some were new, some were old, which prompted the question, "How long have you been doing this?"
Eric sniffled and shrugged his shoulders, "A year… Maybe longer."
Jackie looked back down at his scars. Most of them were small, but there were some smaller ones, they were all healed, signaling he hadn't cut himself in a while.
"Did you stop?" Jackie asked, trying to look into his eyes, but he kept looking away.
But he nodded, "I haven't… Cut myself for a few months."
Jackie noticed how he hesitated to speak those words, as if he were ashamed of what he's done, "What made you stop?"
Eric shook his head, "I can't tell you that, I promised not to tell anyone."
Jackie furrowed her brow curiously, "Who made you promise?"
Eric shook his head, "That's not going to work, Jackie."
Jackie tried thinking of what might have made him stop cutting himself. He was obviously still depressed, so he didn't just stop himself. Chris maybe? Maybe he found out about it?
"Was it Chris?" Jackie asked.
Eric finally caught her eyes with his, his eyes showing every negative emotion Jackie could think of, "How'd you know that?"
Jackie grabbed Eric's arm gently, "Chris is the only one you really care about and love, Eric. I know you don't get along with Barbara, Chris is the only explanation."
Eric looked down at his feet again and nodded, "I didn't stop because he found out."
Eric said it so quietly, Jackie only caught a few words, "Sorry?"
Eric looked up at Jackie, a smile on his face, but it wasn't happy, it was incredulous and sad, "I found out about him."
Jackie furrowed her eyebrows once more, in confusion, "What do you mean?"
Eric sniffed and looked down at Jackie's hand on his arm before he answered her question, "He cuts himself… I only stopped because he does it."
Jackie felt her breath catch in her throat in silent surprise, "Chris… Chris cuts himself, too?"
Eric nodded and looked away from Jackie as he went on, "I only stopped because when I caught him cutting himself, it tore me up… I stopped because I realized that doing stuff like that to yourself effects other people emotionally. I wanted to give him a hug and ask him why he hurt himself, but I couldn't, because… I do the exact same thing to myself and I couldn't answer him if he asked me why I hurt myself. It's hard to talk about this kind of stuff, you know? It's harder to talk about it with your own kids."
Jackie gently squeezed Eric's arm a little, a show of support for what he's going through, "Does Callie know about Chris?"
Eric shook his head, "I don't think so."
Jackie nodded before asking Eric, "Does Chris know about you?"
Eric shook his head slowly, "No. I never told him."
"What about Chris? Does he still… You know?" Jackie had to know.
Eric shook his head once again, "No. Not recently. I think Callie helped him. With his depression. She's his first friend."
Jackie smiled at that, "She cares about him a lot."
Eric scoffed and nodded, "Yeah, I know."
Eric looked up at Jackie, their eyes meeting as Eric slowly calmed himself down. Eric's eyes were so… Bright, but he looked like a tortured soul. She could see the pain in his eyes. She'd never really looked into his eyes before, not really.
Jackie couldn't tell, but it seemed as if Eric had gotten closer to her. His eyes kept flicking to her mouth. Yes, he was definitely getting closer. Jackie felt her heart speed up at his intense gaze on her, she could feel the warmth radiating off his body. She wanted to kiss him, but she wasn't sure now was such a good time. Not with everything that had just happened.
"Eric, I—" But Jackie was suddenly cut off by a shrill, pissed off sounding voice coming from her left.
"What the hell is going on here?" Jackie and Eric both directed their attention to the side and saw Donna standing in the hall, glaring at both of them, catching them in a very intimate moment.
"Donna!" Eric cried, stepping back from Jackie and hugging his arms around himself, trying to hide his scars from Donna. He didn't want everyone to know about this.
Jackie saw Eric's arms wrap around himself, which caused her to step in front of him and block his body out of Donna's view.
"What are you two doing?" Donna cried, feeling a little jealous. No, a lot jealous.
"Um, Eric was sick, I was just getting him some water," Jackie said, pointing to the half empty cup on the floor next to the bathtub.
"He looks real sick," Donna snapped sarcastically, crossing her arms and cocking a hip.
"Donna—" Eric tried, but he was cut off by Jackie, who suddenly snapped back angrily.
"You know, I'm getting real tired of your bitchy attitude towards everybody," Jackie started, taking Donna off guard, "Every time Callie's with Chris, you get bitchy, every time Callie's not in your line of sight, you get bitchy, every time I'M NOT in your line of sight, you get bitchy! Why don't you just get your big nose out of everyone's business?!"
Donna was silent, she really didn't know what to say. But she had to say something, anything. So she said the first thing that came to her mind, "You shouldn't be with Eric, it should be me!"
Then everyone was silent.
Jackie let her shoulders slump and her eyes widen as Donna dropped her arms by her sides and instantly regretted what she had just said. She looked up at Eric, who was gazing at her in shock.
"Eric—" Donna tried, but he cut her off.
"Donna… We—We can't do this," Eric said, "Not again."
"But I—" Again, he cut her off.
"No Donna," Eric said, shaking his head, "I'm over you. And you should be over me. It's been twenty two years, you have a daughter, you've been married, it's time you move on."
Eric then weaved around Jackie, still holding his arms around himself as he rushed past Donna down the hall to his bedroom, leaving the two girls in complete and utter silence.
0-0-0-0-0
Callie heard her mother yelling from down the hall as she lay next to Chris, who was awake, but facing away from her, looking at the door. Callie couldn't believe her mother. How could she so easily forget her father? Callie felt angry, but she didn't feel like arguing, not again. So she just laid there and stared at Chris's back.
His shirt had ridden up a little bit, showing his scars from several years of cutting. He told Callie about this last week, he also told he hadn't hurt himself since they met. Callie was sure he cut himself over his depression of being alone. He told her he didn't have any friends until she came along, because she's the only one who didn't see him as 'different.'
Callie slowly brought her fingers to Chris's back and ran her fingers gently along the scars. She hated that he did this to himself. She hated that he hated himself. He told her that. That he hated himself. He didn't tell her why, though.
When Callie touched his back, he arched away from her touch. He never did like people touching him, especially he wasn't warned first.
"Does it hurt?" Callie asked quietly, her gaze focused on his back.
"Does what hurt?" Chris asked a moment after.
Callie swallowed nervously before asking, "When you cut yourself."
Chris was silent for a moment, not really wanting to answer these types of questions. But he figured he had to do it at some point, and he'd rather just get it over with, "Yes."
Callie furrowed her brow, feeling anger well up inside her, "Then why do you do it?"
Chris shrugged his shoulders, still not turning to face her, "It makes me feel better."
Callie was confused. How would something like this make you feel better? "That makes no sense, Chris," She snapped, but immediately regretted it when she saw him flinch. She looked down at her hands and sighed, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to shout."
Chris stayed silent as Callie slowly sat up, her eyes looking down at his face as he stared at the closed door on the other side of the room, not even ten feet away, "Chris?"
"Yeah?" He mumbled into his pillow.
Callie looked down at her hands in her lap and softly whispered, "Why do you hate yourself?"
Chris tensed up at this question. That was the one he was waiting to hear and it was the one he didn't want to answer.
After a moment of no response, Callie spoke again, "Chris?"
Chris sighed softly and clenched his fists nervously before he decided to sit up and face Callie, though he didn't look at her. Instead he looked at his hands in his lap, his fingers fidgeting.
"You can tell me," Callie said, raising a hand to put on his arm, but decided against that, knowing he'd reject her touch.
Chris sniffed before he spoke, "Because everybody else does."
Callie felt her heart sink at those words. How could he think that? "I don't."
Chris nodded and furrowed his brow, "I know."
"Why do you think everyone hates you?" Callie asked after a moment of deafening silence.
Chris shrugged again, "Because I'm weird."
Callie raised an eyebrow and shrugged her shoulders lightly, "So? Everyone's weird."
Chris shook his head and clenched his hands together, "No, I mean… I'm really weird. I'm different than other kids."
Callie clasped her hands together and gazed at Chris's face. He looked so sad, "What do you mean?"
Chris sniffed and spoke immediately after she did, launching into a story, "When I was eight years old, I got beat up at school by some older kids because I was 'retarded.' The teachers thought the same thing. They even talked to my mother about it. They said I didn't follow simple instructions because I claimed their rules were 'stupid,' I said mean things to other kids, as if I didn't care about their feelings, I had tantrums in class because of the LED lights and the other kids playing loudly… So, after a meeting with my mother, she took me to see a child psychiatrist. At first she thought I had severe ADHD, then it was bi-polar disorder, then schizophrenia, then autism."
Callie tilted her head a little in curiosity, "What did it end up being?"
Chris was flicking his fingers now, as if it calmed his nerves, "The woman called it Asperger Syndrome."
Callie furrowed her brow and scooted towards him in curiosity, "Well, what is it?"
Chris adjusted his shoulders, "Well, it's on the autism spectrum, but I don't think it should be. It's a little different than regular autism. She told me people with Asperger's usually have normal language development and an average IQ. But, they're also known to be socially handicapped and have limited and intense interests."
Callie smiled, "Like you and your art."
Chris smiled a little and looked up at her briefly, "Yeah."
Callie shrugged, "Well, why is this a bad thing? I don't think you're different just because you have a bit of disorder. I just thought you were a little shy, that's all. You seem pretty normal to me… Well, you know what I mean."
Chris chuckled and nodded, "Yeah, I guess."
The two then sat in silence for a moment, neither of them really knowing how to carry on with the conversation. But it was what Chris said next that made Callie smile.
"Callie?" He asked quietly, almost nervously.
"Yeah?" She said, looking up at him, his eyes cast downward.
"Can I, uh… Can I give you a hug?" Chris asked awkwardly, his face pink.
Callie smiled a wide, happy smile and nodded, "Of course, you can."
Callie opened her arms and embraced Chris, resting her hands on his upper back as he laid his chin on her shoulder. Callie noticed how awkwardly he hugged, it's as if he didn't know where to put his hands.
Callie smiled and retorted sarcastically, "Chris, if you're going to hug me, hug me."
Chris then mimicked what Callie was doing and placed his hands on her back. He had a loose hug, so Callie decided to tighten her arms around him. This was nice. This felt right.
0-0-0-0-0
Jackie walked into the kitchen about an hour or so later after showering and getting ready for the day. She was trying to avoid Donna, but there was something she had to talk to her about.
Jackie walked into the kitchen where Donna was sitting at the bar, drinking a glass of milk, still in her pajamas. Today was the day they started moving into their new apartment, but Jackie wasn't so sure about living with Donna anymore.
Jackie walked around the bar and into the kitchen, making Donna look up at her as she turned to gaze down at the sitting red head.
Donna stayed silent and looked down at her glass of milk as Jackie stood in front of her, her fists clenching and unclenching nervously.
"Listen, Donna," Jackie started, but Donna never looked up, "About earlier, it wasn't what it looked like."
Donna rolled her eyes, "Really?" She said, unbelieving, "Cause it looked like you two were about to do it right then and there."
It was really hard to keep your patience with Donna, but Jackie tried her best, "Donna, I'm telling the truth. When I woke up this morning, I checked on all of you. But when I checked on Eric he was having a nightmare and when he woke up he was sick, that's all that happened."
All of that was true. But she wasn't going to tell Donna the whole story. She'd let Eric do that himself whenever he was ready.
"Whatever Jackie, let's just move on, okay?" Donna said irritably, grabbing her cup and looking down at the milk, "Eric hates me, you hate me, let's just try to ignore each other."
Jackie rolled her eyes. Classic Donna. Pity me, pity me.
"Speaking of which," Jackie started, "It's going to be kind of hard to ignore you when we're living in the same apartment, so I've decided after helping you move into today, I'm going to go look for my own place."
Donna looked up at Jackie at that, "What? But we spent forever trying to find the right place."
Jackie crossed her arms, "Yeah, and it was hard trying to find a cheap place where three people could sleep. But I'm by myself and I don't think it will be as hard to find a cheap place for ONE person to sleep."
Donna sighed and rolled her eyes again, looking down at her drink again, "Whatever. Good riddance, anyway."
Jackie gasped in shock at that, "Good riddance? You know what, Donna? You're a class A bitch. Soak in that thought for a minute and let it sink in. Maybe then you'll realize you need to quit pitying yourself and move on with your life, because everyone around here is sick of your shit."
With that, Jackie turned and stormed out of the room and down the hall, brushing past Eric on the way by.
He looked at Donna, back at Jackie, and then back to Donna again in pure confusion, his hands sticking out in front of him as he raised an eyebrow, "What happened?"
Donna glared at Eric and Jackie and turned back around to her drink, really letting that thought soak in.
A/N – Thanks for reading guys. I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. This one's a little personal with the mention of autism and Asperger's and all that. In every story I write there seems to always be a character that I write that has this disorder, and it's always unintentional that I write these characters this way. That's me putting my personality into these characters. Chris's personality is kind of based off of mine. If you ever met me in real life, I would basically be Chris. That's why I love the internet, there's no face to face confrontation to make things super awkward. If you have any questions about Asperger's, leave a question in your review or just look up the disorder online. This chapter is super important to me because of the personal issues involved, this is coming from a person who has also been depressed in the past. But don't worry, I'm very happy with where I'm at now. Again, thanks for reading, and, as always, have a good day.