The Doctor collapsed outside of her room and slid down her door, "Don't you dare unlock this door." He threatened his TARDIS, drawing up his knees and dropping his head to them as he struggled to breathe. The venom was coursing through him now and his twin hearts beat wildly beneath his chest.
Her reaction had been relatively tame compared to the onslaught he knew his body was capable of experiencing. Particularly as he had denied himself the pleasures of a woman for so many hundreds of years now, not since River.
The foppish man child hadn't been immune to Clara's charms, he was even less so, he clutched his own arms across his chest, his hands shaking violently and he slammed his head back against the metal door. He'd have given more than he cared to admit to open her door, stalk inside and do exactly what he was certain they both wanted. But she was under his care... whether she liked to believe that or not, this would be an abuse of trust, no matter if they were both consenting adults, because she was as incapable as he was right now of making a rational decision.
He should have noticed the signs of the damn Ador Spiders... more and more species were deliberately infesting local moons with them to harvest the venom in its weakened state as an aphrodisiac. He punched the floor hard repeatedly.
Gods he wanted her, but then he supposed that was nothing new.
He wondered if she would ever be so willing to introduce him as her lover as she did his last face, would she proudly stand there shoulder to shoulder with him in front of her father and stepmother? The image pained him and he closed his eyes, squeezing them tight and trying to banish the thought, it was so quant he worried his mind was more addled than he'd suspected.
The concept of a physical age difference in a relationship meant little to Time-Lords. Husband and wives could be separated by hundreds of years and even genders throughout a course of multiple lifetimes together. Clara had been a Time-Lady once, she would know this as well as he did if she chose to go searching for the memory. But understanding it, breaking her human taboos would be more difficult.
And then there was him, she feared what was inside of him, the beast she knew he harboured that loving her would only make more dangerous. God the things he would do to protect the thing he loved, which it would seem had become her. He understood her fear. Admired that she could face it and still consider him a valid choice for her. The fact that she was wrong was just a cruel trick of fate on them both.
"Is this why you hated her?" he asked aloud, feeling the gentle thrum of the TARDIS as she drifted through the vortex. "Do I do something... for the love of her?" she didn't answer, of course she wouldn't. He'd assumed the Old Girls dislike had been because of what Clara was, much like Jack, she was an anomaly, for all intense and purposes she was a fixed point too... lots of them in fact.
Whatever it was the TARDIS had clearly resigned herself to the fate, because he still held the sonic screwdriver, a twin to his own, that she had produced for Clara.
He pulled it out now and held it next to his own, it was smaller, sleeker and with a whole host of buttons his didn't have, a different operating system if he wasn't mistaken. He hadn't given it her yet and he wasn't entirely certain why. Keeping his mind active took his focus from his body which was in full out rebellion against him; so he analysed himself now, let his mind mull over the problem that had been his and his predecessors for so long now. The problem of Clara Oswin Oswald.
So why not give her the sonic... a sonic made just for her? Perhaps it was for the simple fact that it would solidify the bond between them, it would take her a step beyond a mere companion, putting her side by side River in both his and the TARDIS' affections. But she wasn't River... she was infinitely more fragile and yet more whole than River had ever been; which of course had also been his fault. But he wasn't fool enough to think she was a match for River; River had been something different, a once in even his long-life. His bespoke psychopath, she had been every bit as beastly as him and he had adored and pitied that about her.
But Clara... she was the beauty to his beast, something to soothe not excite. Or at least that was how it was supposed to go. He closed his fist in frustration, biting his lip to prevent from crying out as his body spasmed his immune system working overdrive to banish the toxin from him as the sweat broke out all over his skin.
He wanted her. Like a child that needed a replacement toy for the other ones he'd broken. But if that was the role he was to place her in, it would be to admit that she would one day be replaced to. The futility of it was what destroyed him every time, the knowledge that everything ends... but with them, it was always too soon. The fear of that pain to come had always crippled him, so much so that he'd never been able to face it, and so he'd walked away time and time again, held up a barrier between himself and them, they could know him, but never truly be with him.
But he was a new man now, a man not littered with the genocide of his own species. The weight that had crushed him for a millennia was gone, the name he had created for himself was in tatters. What was there to fear? He had lifetimes of pain, what was a little more to add to it, if in the short term it bought him something new... happiness.
"Oh my dear Doctor, puzzling over little old me?" He opened his eyes and watched as his addled mind reached the hallucinogenic portion of its bag of tricks. His mind had done a wonderful job in recreating her he noted right down to that wickedly curved little mouth; he admired her shape as she sauntered up to him, that dress still plastered to her soaked form. In one graceful move she was sliding over his lap, straddling him and pressing her warm heat against his crotch. Perfect fit he noted, like this regeneration of him had been created to perfectly complement his eager little human.
"Clara, my sweet Clara." He rasped, feeling his hands settle over her hips. A remarkably tactile hallucination too he noted, no wonder this venom was selling for such a high price these days, clearly it had grown more potent since he'd last encountered it. Whether that had been artificially induced he didn't know, but he suspected. "Are you here to torment an old man?" he tugged her forward and pressed his lips to hers. His mind could be delightfully perverse when it wanted he noted, because she didn't taste of anything... his mental conditioning fighting the hallucination in its own way, forcing him to remain lucidly aware that the apparition pressing herself into him was just that, a fake.
He pushed her away, shattering the illusion and leaving his body in a worse predicament than it had started in. Of course sating the lust wouldn't help, if anything his endocrine system was being slowly overtaken, submitting to it would allow the venom greater access to flood it; leaving him a writhing mess who would need to struggle with himself not to simply override the mechanisms in her door behind him.
"She wouldn't say no." The hallucination teased, crawling towards him on all fours, worrying that lower lips of hers that he now knew from experience begged to be sucked on.
"You are not her." He closed his eyes, trying to force his body to ignore the phantom sensations of her hands as they trailed up his thighs.
"I'm your version of her... so many possibilities." Her honey like voice purred against his ear and he slammed his fist into the floor beside him again and again, the shooting stab of pain washing away the hallucination for a moment.
He sent out a mental plea to the TARDIS, "Do something." He bit out, "Block this infernal apparition." To her credit he felt his wonderful machine try, her telepathic link forcing its way into his mind and attempting to fill it with other thoughts, other ideas... the eye of harmony, the untempered skism.
Clara's small soft hands slid across his groin quite deliberately and he was jolted back to his hallucination, shoving her hands away and sucking in a breath at the sultry look she was leveling at him. He had to move. There weren't enough deadbolts on her door. His temptress followed him and he ran faster, sweeping through endless corridors, the TARDIS winding a labyrinth behind him. Despite his protests about it not being able to help he found himself diving headlong into the frigid water of the swimming pool, holding his head beneath the water and praying for something to drive this torment from him.
The Doctor awoke to find himself curled up on the floor, significantly rumpled and still damp in what looked remarkably like a broom cupboard, he sunk down and appraised himself... the toxin was gone. His miscoloured kidneys had taken the worst of the damage and he huffed at them. Mis-coloured and sluggish, not what one wanted in a kidney.
His head was throbbing and he blinked a couple of times, trying to forget why it was the TARDIS had clearly chosen to lock him in a room barely large enough for him, at least he assumed it was her, he doubted he'd have had the presence of mind to do it to himself. He was sore, all over. The knuckles of his right hand were split and bloodied he noticed, clearly the floor in the corridor wasn't the only thing he'd punched in frustration. He pulled up his left hand and compared the matching damage.
"Is she safe?" he whispered, dreading the TARDIS's response. It washed over him and he sagged in relief as the image of her sleeping soundly drifted through his consciousness.
He was depraved. He dropped his head into his hands, he hadn't resisted the temptations of his own hallucinations; he knew that, felt it. She had been so pliable, his mind twisting her innocent form to his own wicked desires with abandon. He felt a sob choke at him and he stuffed his fist into his mouth and bit down hard. Thousand's of years, of species... he knew every trick in every book, some that had been deliberately missed out.
That was not the man Clara wanted. Not the man she deserved. What if he couldn't love her the way she should be? What if this god forsaken Beast was all he had to offer her?