A/N: Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha I love this chapter. The title makes no sense until about half-way through the chapter...oh well...

Read, review, and enjoy!

Chapter Ten: The Honeymoon

Rule Number Ten: Sometimes S-rank criminals forget they're S-rank criminals. When that happens, it's best to give them a little reminder.

Dessie

I woke up at ten o'clock in the morning with a big, fat hangover. Last night was nothing but a blur to me, though I distinctly remember a very pink birthday and a lot of sake…

When I opened my eyes I found myself lying on the floor of the living room surrounded by the debris of a desecrated cake and an unconscious Leader (he had the very distinctive mark of a book print across his face, but I didn't think I wanted to know how that had gotten there). Wearily, I rose from my seat and examined the room. Hidan was sleeping in the squishy armchair with Kakuzu curled up in his lap like a dog. Then, next to them on the sofa, Konan was lying out, a little bit of drool trickling down her cheek. Tobi happened to be sleeping next to Kisame on the floor, the two of them entwined together like a pair of lovers (I don't want to know what happened there) and Deidara had made a pillow of out his clay and was lying out on the coffee table in the middle of the room. I couldn't see Hottie or Zetsu or Kate or Hannah anywhere and decided that that mystery was best to be left alone.

I began to make my way across the room in the direction of the kitchen, but before I could reach the door, there came the sound of a heavy yawn and someone stretching.

"What the hell is this bastard doing in my lap?"

Hidan had woken.

And his shrill voice was making my headache even worse.

"Shut up, Zombie Whore," I muttered, massaging my head painfully. "You sound like a bitch on a hot tin roof."

"A what? Violent Stalker Chick, you aren't making any sense."

"Shut the h–"

We both cringed as my voice rose to a shout, our hangover unable to take the pressure.

"Truce, truce," said Hidan, rubbing his head irritably. Then, he caught sight of Kakuzu still curled up on his lap and whispered, "Get this shithead off of me!" He pushed Kakuzu off and, after jolting awake after meeting to floor, Kakuzu fell back into a deep sleep.

"Water…" I mumbled, turning back to the door.

Hidan sluggily rose from his seat and followed me. In a zombie-like fashion, we stumbled to the kitchen to fill our glasses up with water and chugged as much of it down as possible.

"Hell yeah," whispered Hidan. "This is what I need."

"Less talkin' more drinkin'," I muttered.

The next person to awake into ghastly reality was the poor and unfortunate Deidara. He stumbled his way into the kitchen and snatched the water from Hidan, downing it all in one gulp.

"Shit, I now know hell," grumbled Deidara. "And it tastes like a shark's ass."

"Were you and Kisame doing bitchy things together?" asked Hidan under his breath.

"Shut up. My brain hurts enough without listening to your garbage shit."

"What time is it?" I asked sleepily.

"I don't know, check your watch," muttered Hidan.

"I don't wear a watch."

"Sucks to be you then, bitch."

"DON'T Y–"

The three of us cringed and gave up on arguing for the day. Our brains could not take the immense pressure of saying witty/violent/crude comes backs in undertones and to scream them out loud was death to us all.

"Who do you think will wake up next?" wondered Deidara. "My money's on Kisame."

"He's in for a surprise…" I grumbled.

"He and Tobi were getting awfully comfortably down there…" added Hidan, a smile toying at his lips – the first smile all day.

"Well," I said. "I'm putting my money on Leader. He wasn't that wasted."

"How would you know?" asked Deidara. "You were the first one out."

"True…"

Just then there was the sound of the kitchen door opening and Kate stepped inside, rubbing her eyes. Unlike the rest of us, she had not gone through hell last night (doesn't drink) and she smiled rather cheerfully at the sight of the rest of us. "Only ones up?"

"Shhhh," Deidara hissed. "Whispers only."

"Sorry," said Kate, adjusting her voice accordingly.

"You saw everything last night?" I asked, helping myself to another glass of water.

"What I could. Tobi wanted to play Detective and assistant last night…" Kate's face turned bright red. "Apparently I'm Eliza now…"

"Psycho…" muttered Deidara. "What did I do?"

Kate shrugged, giggling slightly as she did so. "I remember something about you and Kisame arguing over whose bitch Itachi was…And then you bit Kisame's behind in revenge…"

"No wonder my mouth tasted like shark's ass this morning," muttered Deidara.

Hidan snickered. "You sick, pervert. I didn't know Kisame was a masochist. I always knew you were a sadist and all…"

"Shut the f–"

The three of us cringed and remember the truce. Kate snickered, completely unaffected by the raised voices. Then, there was the sound of footsteps and Konan appeared in the kitchen.

"Water…" she said in a raspy voice and Kate cheerfully helped out.

"I'm going to die…" she whispered hoarsely.

"No, you won't," I said. "The world would be too kind if you died. Instead, you must suffer the pain that comes with that happiness in a bottle we call sake."

"Urggg…"

BANG!

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!"

After a uniform cringe, all heads turned in the direction of the living room where there came a serious of loud, violent threats and a cry of "Tobi is a good boy!"

"Kisame's up," said Deidara wearily and, one-by-one, we all filed out the door to the living room to see what was going on.

Apparently, Kisame had awoken to see himself tangled up with Tobi and he completely flipped out. Soon, that woke everyone else up and Leader was trying to kill them all from causing his head to hurt so much while Tobi tried to flee from Kisame's wrath. Kakuzu was still fast asleep on the floor. However, Kate gently explained that the reason was Kisame and Tobi were all tangled up was not because of a romantic love affair (everyone was very disappointed to find this out) but because Tobi thought that Kisame was the Chimney Sweep Murderer. The two were in the middle of Tobi trying to arrest Kisame when they passed out.

"Shit, that had me worried," said Kisame collapse to the ground in relief. "My head's a mess."

"Shhh," everyone hissed in unison.

"All our heads are a fucking mess," muttered Hidan. "Now shut up."

Konan managed to calm Leader down and she carefully escorted him to the quiet kitchen for some water, but before Leader could leave the living room, he turned back and added, "All you shitheads. As punishment for putting my brain through hell you have to clean this place up. Now. Or I'll kill you all."

And with that, he and Konan left.

Hidan's response was for all of us: "Fuck."

So, despite our grueling headaches, the six of us (Kakuzu was still asleep and Itachi, Hannah, and Zetsu still missing) started to clean up the room. All the pink confetti and what remained of the piñata went into the trash bag and Kisame set about raking up the ruined debris of the pink cake and, after a good two hours worth of effort, the room was clean – and that's when Itachi showed up.

"Hottie!" I screamed (my hangover had disappeared of the last ten minutes or so. Everyone else winced in pain and covered their ears).

"Hn."

Was is just me or did Itachi look at me a little guiltily?

I didn't have much tie mot ponder this since Itachi instead turned to Kisame and asked, "Is everyone up?"

Kisame shook his head. "Kakuzu's being a lug and Hannah and Zetsu are still missing…"

"Where's Leader?"

"In the kitchen with Konan."

"Hn," and with that Itachi left, leaving a very, very depressed me.

"Well, what d–"

"!"

(Insert cringe in unison). Everyone looked around nervously, trying to figure out where there scream had come from. Were we being attacked? Had someone died? No one was exactly sure. Then, Hannah came sprinting into the room, still screaming at the top of her lungs and gasping for breath occasionally.

"What's wrong?" asked Kate nervously.

"I-I-I-I…" Hannah was unable to get the words out.

"Say it slowly," said Kate gently.

"I'M MARRIED TO ZETSU!"

Silence.

Everyone stared. It was Hidan, I think, who was the first to laugh, but everyone followed soon after that. Quivering with tears of laughter, they all collapsed on the floor. Even I was unable to hide the giggles of mirth bursting out from within me. Only Kate, in all her loyal friendship managed to stare at Hannah quite seriously.

"How did it happen?"

"I-I-I don't know… I was drunk and Zetsu was drunk… And we must have run off to some near by village and got married… I woke up this morning in his bed with rings on our fingers and a marriage certificate!" She wailed miserably.

"This is fucking hilarious!" cried Hidan between laughs.

"I know, right!" I snickered.

All pains of the head were gone, distracted by Hannah's current dilemma.

"Should we call you Mrs. Zetsu now?" asked Deidara curiously.

"What's going on here?"

After hearing the scream and then laughter, Leader, Konan, and Itachi appeared in the doorway of the living room, their eyes dulled with the pain of a hangover, but still curious.

"Hannah is married to Zetsu!" screamed Kisame delightedly.

"What the hell…?" Leader gawped at Hannah. "I ddin't know you…er…had those kinds of interests… I totally understand…you're like that…"

"I am not like that!" screeched Hannah. And then, she spoke the forbidden words: "At least I didn't try to rape Dessie last night!"

All eyes turned to regard Leader, no doubt who Hannah was talking about. I, of course, gasped and cried, "Leader! How could you! I know I'm a lot bustier than Kate or Hannah or Konan, and frankly a lot better looking, but really – I'm just a child!"

"I-I-I," Leader looked flustered.

"The cat's out of the bag!" said Hannah triumphantly.

"Rrrrawrrrr," I said, making a little claw shape with her hand.

"That doesn't change the fact that you're married to Zetsu," snapped Leader angrily.

"Who's married to me?" Zetsu appeared in the door way, the black half speaking.

"Hannah and you got hitched," explained Kisame.

"We did?" Zetsu regarded Hannah with appraising eyes. "What's up, baby?"

She screamed and cowered behind Kate.

Tobi sniffled. "They grow up so fast! Tobi doesn't what to let go of his nunu!"

"I am not a nunu!" cried Hannah.

I patted Hannah comfortingly on the shoulder. "It's alright, Hannah. Expect you fight. You and I are destined to a life as Tobi's…nunus…"

"You mean 'Mrs. Zetsu'," said Hidan.

"You asshole!" screamed Hannah, aiming a ferocious kick in Hidan's direction. He laughed maniacally and dodged it easily. Unfortunately for him, I decided to join in for fun and kicked him in the ass when he wasn't looking.

"Anyways," said Leader, suddenly serious. "What are we going to do about this dilemma. Zetsu and Hannah are married…" He suppressed a chuckle. "...What do we want to do?"

"Poor Zetsu," said Deidara, patting the Venus fly trap comfortingly. "You can't go to strip clubs any more. You're doomed to the life of a married man."

Zetsu ignored Deidara and instead turned to Hannah, the white half saying, "It's okay; we promise never to cheat on you – when you're looking," added the black half. The white half then said, "And we won't do anything until you're ready…And if you wait to long we'll eat you." (The latter part was the black half).

Hannah looked scandalized. "I want a divorce!"

"Zetsu!" cried Tobi. "How dare you make Tobi's nunu so unhappy!"

"You're going to end your marriage vows so quickly?" asked Konan.

"You need to cherish her, Zetsu," advised Kisame.

Needless to say, I was very confused. "Wait a second!"

Everyone turned to stare at me, half way through giving Hannah and Zetsu advice on their marriage.

"Why the hell do we need to worry about their marriage vows?" I asked. "You guys are fucking S-ranked criminals! Why do you care about honoring marriage vows and cherishing someone else's feelings!"

They stared.

"Oooooooh riiiiiiight."

"I forgot about that."

"Me too."

"Pshhh, screw marriage."

Rule Number Ten: Some times S-ranked criminals forget they're S-ranked criminals – at times like these you just have to remind them of their proper place in this world.

And so, the Akatsuki continued with their day, overcoming their hangovers of doom and continuing with their evil deeds, completely forgetting about Hannah and Zetsu's marriage. But, unbeknownst the anyone, Zetsu kept the marriage contract, framed it, and kept it on his wall where he could look at it every night while falling asleep…

A/N: I repeat: Mwahahahahahahaahahaha. Zetsu always was the scariest oft he Akatsuki members to me - hello? He's a cannibal in a Venus fly trap...and he has a split personality...and he has clones...that's just waaaaay too much going on in one psycho person. REVIEW! Or Zetsu will eat you all!